A couple of weeks ago someone in Staten Island saw a hipster with a LQQK AT ME license plate and sent in a picture. Well over the weekend at the movie theater at Sheepshead Bay I see this car parked outside. It’s obviously a twizzler-bodied hipster who wants everyone to know what his limbs look like. So I’m standing there wondering why a fucking interloping gentrifier is all the way down in Sheepshead Bay? He can’t be seeing a real movie that makes it to a national chain of theaters – he only watches horrible indie films on Bushwick rooftops. Then I figured he must be trying to sell artisanal popcorn to the theater and probably drove down Bedford Ave – the only street he knows in Brooklyn - that actually goes all the way down from Greenpoint to Emmons Ave in Sheepshead Bay. So anyway I hid behind the Jordan’s Lobster Dock fisherman statue until he came back to his car. I jumped out and said “Hey you fuckin’ Josh” and I clotheslined him. I stuffed him in his trunk and drove a few blocks over to Roll N Roaster. I dragged him in the back, handcuffed him with an onion ring I found on the floor and threw him in the dumpster which put a smile on his face since he sustainably get his groceries from dumpsters on his freegan adventures. So I took him out and simply tossed him in the bay. Maybe by now one of the fisherman found himself a new fishing pole named Josh?
“handcuffed him with an onion ring I found on the floor”!!!!!!!!!!
That part
almost made me spit out my coffee.
That is great. Haha!
That was the thing that got me. HaHa.
C’mon we all know hipsters only drive, Smart cars, Priuses, Fiats, bugs and late 50′s Carmen Ghias (rusted out of course).
http://gothamist.com/2012/04/25/shuffleboard.php
So what games are they gonna bastardize next – Odds and evens? Buck Buck? Bridge?
Any guesses?
Let’s see them take on “Don’t Whiz on the Electric Fence”. I only say this because most of them could play Russian roulette with an automatic and still fuck it up.
I saw a fucking skinny leg jeans wearing hipster douchebag today with the biggest damn scarf I’ve ever witnessed and that beta male pussy expression on his face. The thing was wrapped around his pez dispenser neck like 5 times, and still hung down a good 2 feet. I really wish you could get away with slugging some of these fucks. This guy was a walking advertisement for ‘mediocre art student who believes his own bullshit’.
Man, I fucking hate hipsters.
LOLLLL @ pez dispenser neck!
Any chance that scarf could have gotten “caught” on something? Like an express bus?
I told you they been in Sheepshead.I keep seeing the one guy with dreadlocks no shirt and a vintage shawl scarf and suspenders with PBR beer tatted under his eye riding a antique Rambler Columbia 1800 S Bicycle Chainless Rococo Lug Rare Gear Shafed
bike
I’ve also seen them making their way across the Marine Park Bridge on their frankenbikes in the summer after Time Out NY named Riis one of the best beaches. Thank god I can drive right on past their pasty white asses to the manned security gate into Breezy which is hipster free.
They actually are flocking to Tilden dunes at an alarming rate. Only two years ago you had elbow room and could chill. Some shithead blog or news article blew it up and the breadstick army and Betty Page clones beelined there. No lie….it went from 3 or 4 bikes locked to a fence or a pole to about 60 or 70.
I was sitting there watching packs of jerkoffs frolicking past me. Of course wearing shit like Captains hats, Underoos, knee socks, Top Gun glasses and that gold old summer favorite…”the Grizzly Adams beard”. A few pipes getting smoked too.
I hope the sharks make a guest appearance this summer and maul a few of them.
Haha! I forgot about Tilden. One of the old timers told me he had to change his fishing spot 2 years ago because he was sick of dodging frisbees. Yet they had to cancel the concert series at Floyd Bennett because they weren’t getting the numbers they thought would attend. Let them stay on their own waterfront in the North.
Hey, I have been riding from Manhattan to Breezy Point (The Irish Riviera) for years. Stopped by Tilden last year prior to Irene, there were 2 ‘Like Yah’ girls by the bathroom. Almost puked. Time to bring back the nuclear tipped Nike Hercules missiles to the fort, convert them from ground to air to ground to ground, aim them, launch, and wipe out all of these fucking hipsters! Sorry.
Clear shot then go,GeronimoOooOo….WAR!!!!1
Naw, I recommend a neutron bomb. Eliminates the hipster douche infestation but leaves the buildings intact.
Or maybe this little beauty…
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XT5jo7aZzTw&w=420&h=315%5D
Billyburg and the ‘Schwick are TOAST!
“in the bay”. Sorry, DH, this is serious water pollution. Please use an appropriate “Brooklyn based” solution next time. Like under a steamroller pressing down fresh asphalt, preferably somewhere along that boulevard of dreams, Bedbug,errrr, sorry, Bedford Avenue.
LOLOLLLLL you shoulda fed him some Roll N Roasters first and then wrapped him with fishing line from Bernie’s to drag him up and down Oriental with his own car and THEN tossed him off the pier.
Oh my god, you brought back memories. I grew up in Marine Park and my family still lives in that area. My 86 year old uncle still likes us to drive him to Roll n Roaster.
Like yah! A New York State license plate just adds to his authenticity and street cred back in his home state of IOWA.
You know those fake cat tails you can buy and hang out of your car trunk? Someone needs to sell fake hipster twizzler arms to do the same thing.
Or just do it with a scarf.
D-Cell batteries and piss balloons make them scatter like roaches. More fun than Shoot The Freak.
If women stopped having sex with hipster guys, then the entire hipster phenomenon would be shut down pronto.
If girls stopped giving guys undeserved attention for wearing stupid hipster glasses and converse all stars, and acting like the dainty and spineless turds they are, then overnight there would be no hipsters left. If women stopped rewarding the destructive sissification of America then our country would wake up to see it.
My wife secretly dispises hipsters too, and that is how we met.
Tell that to the Mollies and Meghans. They want to spawn…
I hope they spawn like rabbits because when SHTF they’ll start eating each other in large numbers since 5 hipsters is just a Scooby snack.
This site has been a revelation for me. I feel like half the shit you write I’ve thought or will think at some point. I love the fact that their supposed “rejection of the norm” is being exposed as the ultimate contrived, try-hard, bull shit that it really is. You like a deer head on your wall? Guess what fuckface? So does every other PBR swigging idiot. Bands no one has heard of? Guess what moron, all your hipster friends have heard of them too. And you know what? They suck. They really suck. Bon Iver? Fucking terrible drivel.
Your clothes aren’t original. They’re uniforms. An ironic t-shirt. Tight jeans. Messy hair you took two hours to sculpt. FUCK OFF!
If they kept to themselves and and weren’t so judgemental of everything outside there pathetic little vintage-inspired universe, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck. But that’s not the case. This manufactured rejection of the norm that, unbeknownst to them, actually is the norm, is what gets me. Look around. If you’re such a critic of culture, why haven’t you noticed that everything you do is based on a trend. That, is, the antithesis of everything you “stand for”. And by stand for, I mean..well, they don’t stand for anything. Except perhaps, spoiled, sarcastic glares. God I hate them.
Brace yourself for their venom as well when you dare to point any of the above out to them. They’ll spend as much time as you’re willing to give them in an effort to prove that you are a sheep among ‘the masses’. IOW, how could a lowly person like you deduce, observe, or comment on anything. The snark and arrogance is more pervasive than I’ve seen in any group of people. They’re the bluebloods without actually being blue bloods. The private country club members without the official charter.
I heard, yet again, another ‘music project’ ( why can’t they just be bands? ) members talking about why they named their album the way they did. They honestly said,”We thought it would be whimsical, and imagined our future fans coming up to us and saying part of the title and we would respond with the other half of the title.” Then they giggled in self-approval.
Anyone can see how much entitlement and expectation of recognitiion is built into that statement and if I never hear the word ‘whimsical’ again I’ll be just fine. For me, the ultimate problem with hipsters is they ruin everything they touch. They adopt something out of quirky whimsy and then also mock it with a snarky spite, just to deflect any potential criticism they may recieve for being nothing more useful than tourists to the society that tolerates them.