Complete that picture!

Once again, it’s time to play – Complete that picture! Above is a picture of only a small portion of a hipster on the train. To play this game you must complete this picture by describing the rest of his appearance among other things like name, age, occupation, hobbies, where he lives, where he’s actually from, and what’s in his bag. I’ll go first – you can just copy and paste my list into the comment section – erase my answers and use it as a template.

Rest of Appearance: 1800′s bar keeper vest and suspenders, Yosemite Sam moustache, monocle, AAA battery arms.

Name: Colby

Age: 33

Occupation:   Future assistant creative director of hummus aisle at upcoming Whole Foods on Bedford Ave.

Hobbies: Long boarding on 33rd birthday, saying “like, yah”, looking important in cafes.

Lives now: Far East Williamsburg $2200/month chicken coop.

Is actually from: OreWiscoCaliSota

What’s in the man purse?: Map of Niew Breukelen (Prospect Park and above), 1/2 eaten Mast Bros Chocolate bar, emergency extra ski-hat for double protection from heat, inflatable raft for Gowanus Canal sailing.


50 thoughts on “Complete that picture!

  1. Unsentimental
    Driving around
    Sure of myself
    Sure of it now
    You were standing this close to me
    Like the future was supposed to be
    In the aisles of the grocery
    And the blocks up-town
    I remember
    Remember well
    But if I’d forgotten
    Could you tell?
    In the shadow of your first attack
    I was questioning and looking back
    You said “Baby, we don’t speak of that”
    Like a real aristocrat

    Compound to compound
    Lazy and safe
    Wanting to leave it
    Wanting to wait
    When the taxi doors opened wide
    I pretended I was horrified
    by the uniformed clothes outside
    and the courtyard gate
    You’re not a victim
    But neither am I
    Nostalgic for garbage
    Desperate for time
    I could blame it on your mother’s hair
    Or the colors that your father wears
    But I know that I was never fair
    You were always fine

    Driving around
    Sure of myself
    Sure of it now
    You were standing this close to me
    Like the future was supposed to be
    In the aisles of the grocery
    and the blocks up-town
    I remember
    Remember it well
    And if I’d forgotten
    Could you tell?
    In the shadow of your first attack
    I was questioning and looking back
    You were standing on another track
    Like a real aristocrat

    Vampire Weekend – Taxi Cab

  2. DH you must ride the F train. You see these guys get on and off at certain gentrified stops all day everyday.

  3. Rest of Appearance: Willy Wonka hat that girl from the youtube subway video left at his house the night she went there to cry in his arms about the mean old nasty knucklegragging native new yorker didn’t get her unique genius. Orange, yellow, and pink parka from the eighties because it’s summer now.

    Name: Cooper

    Age: 42 but has a fake ID that says he’s 34

    Occupation: Volunteer secretary for the receptionist’s intern at Living Social.

    Hobbies: Sneering. Smirking. Quoting Vampire Weekend.

    Lives now: 75 square foot, $1,500/month, repourposed storage closet in “The Schwick”. Sleeps on his vinal collection.

    Is actually from: Round Rock Texas.

    What’s in the man purse?: Change of drawers in case he meets any real Brooklynites on the train. Moose and vintage comb in case his purposely messed up hair gets straightened. New Yorker to Midwest Nasal Honk Dictionary (but not the other way around). Drew Carry glasses, Woody Allen glasses, Buddy Holly glasses, Neil Young Glasses. Mustashe on a stick.

  4. Rest of Appearance: Bowler hat, beard parted and tucked behind ears, thermal underwear (with flap unbuttoned) and Park Slope Co-op apron.

    Name: Atticus Kitsch

    Age: 37

    Occupation: Vintage bowtie curator/ATM Mannequin

    Hobbies: Photographing vintage cameras, Brooklyn Kickball League historian, collecting Flintstones jelly jars, stroking beard while reading “Ad Busters” in a coffee shop, calling 311, ballroom dancing in rush hour traffic, replacing i-phone and waiting for puberty.
    Lives now: : In an $6,000 month loft in a restored strychnine factory in Upper Billyburg.

    Is actually from: Boar’s Tush, Wisconsin.

    What’s in the man purse?: Vintage Wizzo top, Guy Fawkes mask for his cat, “Facts of Life” lunch box, NOS replacement parts for “Mystery Date” game, Engelbert Humperdink 8-tracks, 90 day supply of Adderall, Wheat grass roll ups and Hello Kitty facial massager.

  5. Last time I saw something that looked like that from the knees down it had a house on it!

    • That’s it. I’m sending you the bill for dry cleaning my shirt.

      “We represent the Artisanal, locally sourced, fair trade, organic lollipop guild

      the Artisanal, locally sourced, fair trade, organic lollipop guild

      the Artisanal, locally sourced, fair trade, organic lollipop guild

      We represent the Artisanal, locally sourced, fair trade, organic lollipop guild

      and we only charge 35 dollars”

      • Thanks Pat. Guess it’s just a matter of time before the herd discovers lollipops. thanks for the song

        • I did a search. You may be right. My bad for opening up my mouth.

          Straying a bit from the post:

          My cousin attended a baby shower in Park Slope a few weeks ago. Long short – the high point of the affair was the presentation of a crib to the mother-to-be by her hipster hubby.

          He made it himself – from lumber taken from the abandoned chicken coop in their back yard. Prior to that it was reclaimed from Lord knows where. You’re a smart guy. think of the health hazards – besided the protruding nails, splinters.

          My brother-in-law was ready to beat the guy senseless with a tire iron.

          • I can only imagine. Why am I willing to bet that the whole thing looked as if it had been constructed by a blind St. Bernard?

          • Probably full of chromated copper arsenate – a yummy treat you get from treated wood.

            Still not as bad for you as an American Spirit, though.

    • “BENEATH the frantic social signaling of hipster parents lies their greatest fear: the possibility that they might be ordinary.”

      I’d argue that a little bit, but only a little. The possibility that they might be ordinary is a hipster parent’s second-greatest fear. Their greatest fear is that they might have a kid who wants to be ordinary.

      • I grew up thinking that I was special, but the time I truly became an adult; the time that I truly started gaining wisdom, was when I realized I *was* ordinary, and that no one is impressed by people peacocking,.

    • “This new generation of parents, raised on constant reminders of their own individual uniqueness, refuses to see themselves as merely the latest in a long line of people who have reared children. Because they have so little perspective beyond their own limited experience, their search for authenticity and meaning quickly deteriorates into an orgy of exposure and self-regard.”

      It always comes back to the LOOK AT MEEE, I AM UNIQUE, SPECIAL AND INDIVIDUAL! PAY ATTENTION TO MEEE with those fucksticks.

      “he lives in fear of becoming the kind of father (and the kind of man) whose idea of a good time is a Saturday spent studying the organic greens at the farmers’ market and bonding with his son over soy chais at Starbucks” He lives in fear of it? It’s already happened! He’s just in denial about it, like they all are.

    • The parent wanting his kid to be cool was about the lamest thing I’ve ever heard.

      Fast-forward 10 years and the kid will be wearing all the deckest clothes from early-teens hipsterism……and the kids will laugh at him just like they laughed at kids wearing polyester suits in the late 70s.

    • Excellent article. Both helicopters and hipsters are living vicariously through their offspring. Sort of like the Toddlers and Tiaras crowd, even though the comparison would horrify them. Trailer trash is not limited to trailer parks by any means Don’t know what else to say about the helicopters except that they are obnoxious and they are not exactly all that new on the scene. I’ve known many like them through the years. But the hipsters are worse because they are fighting tooth and nail for the triumph of style, if it can be called that, over substance. The appearance of Cool or Authentic Eternal Youth over a more realistic view of life and the world in general. But hope springs eternal. There is always the possibility that these children will see through the parental fantasy and reach for a saner, more mature way of life. Adults can be fools but children are not stupid.

  6. Rest of Appearance: T-shirt that has cats on it playing with yarn, Ironic weight lifting gloves over his boney hands attached to his frail arms. 4 different necklaces, none of which are better than the other. Multicolored ski hat with a no longer existing company patch.

    Name: Preston

    Age: 37, acts 17, and has the perception that he has the maturity of a 47 year old.

    Occupation: Chief Executive Assistant to the Assistant Director of the Intramural Adult Kickball League.

    Hobbies: Convincing all that he is not a Hipster Douche, perpetually begging the “Rents” for sustenance, and “Like Yahing” all day long.

    Lives now: Everywhere. Couch-surfs, and helps spread the bedbug infestation amongst hipster tool friends.

    Is actually from: Nixa, Missouri.(too bad Jason Bourne didn’t kill him)

    What’s in the man purse?: Iphone 4, Ipad 3, Ipod, Occupy Wherever literature, anti-corporate “We are the 99%” bullshit, and some canny trinkets he shows to all his non-hipster(actually Hipster) friends.

    • I love DieHipster and all, but the Occupy Wall Street references really need to stop. A decent amount of OWS people have been assholes, but they’re a different type of person. “We are the 99%” is at least a statement that comes from a place of sincerity, not from a place of hipness. Get your stereotypes right.

      • But they rail against corporate America while making Apple and Starbucks richer. They are the 99% from MinneOreWisNeb that can’t find a job in NYC! If they had one, things would be a lot different, wouldn’t they? Hypocrytes!!!!!

  7. Rest of Appearance: Jewfro, long scraggly mustache and beard that would put ZZ Top to shame, technicolor square frames without lenses, permanent smirk, vintage purple velvet jacket that looks like it once belonged to Prince, yellow low v-neck t-shirt from American Apparel, grey baseball cap with “Brooklyn” in big letters across the top, huge bright copper scarf.

    Name: Gavin Tyler

    Age: 39

    Occupation: Purveyor of artisanal goats milk cookies, xylophonist for the new band “Begging for Tempeh Bacon” and President of the Zooey Deschanel fan club.

    Hobbies: Playing Red Rover on command, taking pictures of garbage cans, running a videoblog on the experience of being a real Brooklynite, taking excursions to places with good reviews on Yelp in South Brooklyn and the Bronx.

    Lives now: Converted garage apartment in Bed Stuy for $2300 next to a serial killer.

    Is actually from: Cleveland, Ohio

    What’s in the man purse?: Day old half eaten burrito from Urban Rustic, rubiks cube, denim cut off shorts, vinyl records including Neil Diamond, bicycle bell, scrap pieces of paper that were tossed in the street to be used in his GF’s next art project.

  8. Rest of Appearance: $150 pre-frayed plaid shirt, non-prescription Buddy Holly glasses, and a Blue’s Clues backpack (Because he is so fucking ironic!)

    Name: Stardust

    Age: 34 going on 16

    Occupation: Part time package handler and Shaft Serviceman.

    Hobbies: Making sure everyone is looking at him, especially when he is pretending to be thoughtful and worldly. Being an attention whore. Straightening his beanie in the mirror before he goes out into the 80+ degree weather.

    Lives now: In a studio payed for by his 1% dad who he “hates so much” for $3600/month

    Is actually from: East Chuck, TX

    What’s in the man purse?: Nothing, it’s just for show.

  9. Rest of Appearance: The same shirt Kevin Arnold wore on the Wonder Years TV show, which had been
    unironically purchased by his mom ten years earlier.
    Name: Rylan

    Age: 39 and 1/2

    Occupation: “Lifestyle” editor for New Yup Times

    Hobbies: Looking down on others, saying “like, yah”, slowly killing the souls of cities.

    Lives now: “Super South Slope” (aka Boro Park) $3000/month room share (with complimentary window).

    Is actually from: Where rednecks go to (in)breed.

    What’s in the man purse?: 10-year-old unused condom, soon to be re-purposed as a tire tube for a fixed gear motorcycle that runs on contempt for working class Brooklynites.

  10. Rest of Appearance: Rollie Finger’s mustache with huge beard shaped like a bedpan, vintage pipe waiting to be lit once he’s outside by stick matches, Ben Franklin glasses, size “smedium” floral button down in kooky teal and muave color scheme, early 80′s t-shirt from a random camp he didn’t go to, white Member’s Only jacket, 1976 Timex digital watch with red numbers, kooky tattoos including a flat head screwdriver, a bottle of hot sauce and a pork chop.

    Name: Duncan

    Age: 38

    Occupation: Part time “Line Ends Here” sign holder at Trader Joe’s and volunteer cat sitter.

    Hobbies: being seen, being smug, dressing “weird”, DJing old records no one’s ever heard of or likes, being frail, ruining Bklyn.

    Lives now: Squatting in the old Domino’s sugar factory.

    Is actually from: Haysville, Kansas

    What’s in the man purse?: Organic pepper spray in case thugs set it off, vintage skeleton keys for no reason, yellow wool hat, unlimited AmEx card paid for by loving parents, mints shaped like little dicks to suck on and 3 iPhones.

  11. Rest of Appearance: Knitted beard from Etsy, way too big glasses with no glass and floral pattern, Dinosaur Girl’s hoodie (see video below), Spin Doctors hat (lice infested and not washed since the Spin Doctors were still giving concerts)

    Name: Luke Skywalker Smith

    Age: 47 (and still a virgin)

    Occupation: Historian and chronicler of New York City dog-poo

    Hobbies: Taking up not less than 10 places in Starbucks with ironic Apple products, blogging, organic chicken farming with portable home-made chicken coop which he takes couch surfing everywhere .

    Lives now: Somebody else’s $4,000 broom closet in South Billyworld with chicken coop.

    Is actually from: Bumblefuck Alabama.

    What’s in the man purse?: Waxing kit for his legs and bikini area (gotta look good for kickball next Tuesday afternoon after breakfast), Love letter from the Hipster Grifter that he got in exchange for $5,000 of his parents’ money for her cancer operation (he’s still waiting for that blowjob when she comes out of prison), The Communist Manifesto, The Fountainhead, Mein Kampf, Tinker Bell’s Big Coloring Book, crayons (all ironic of course).

  12. I will be off in the DC / NoVA area this weekend, leaving tomorrow, so hold down the fort for me guys till I get back! I’ll be sure to throw things at hipsters in DC for you!

  13. Dudes dressed like a leprechaun…

  14. He’s probably holding a Schwinn bike next to him, one that he just picked out of grandmas backyard in Ohio.

  15. Name: Wicked witch of the East. You probably killed her when you house flew in the tornado…

    She is probably from Kansas anyway….

  16. Rest of Appearance: Thick eyeglasses, beard, fedora, scarf, ironic ringer t-shirt, tweed blazer, hot pink boxer briefs coming out the top of his saggy-butt pants, sleeves of tattoos because he thinks they make his skinny soft arms look more masculine.

    Name: Skyler

    Age: 30

    Occupation: One of 12 unpaid interns to the assistant talent coordinator’s assistant’s assistant at Like Yah I’m An Artiste Fashion PR/Talent Agency, 3 days/week.

    Hobbies: Looking down his nose at all of the uncultured people who didn’t grow up with Lunchables and every action figure known to mankind. Cashing checks from his parents. Buying drugs with parent’s money. Telling everyone back home how he’s “from Brooklyn”.

    Lives now: Far East South North Williamsburg luxury organic 20 ft. $3000/month studio/closet above an authentic Brooklyn bodega. Hey, it has a closet. The closet is the studio. Get it Skyler? It’s all about how you sell it to these morons.

    Is actually from: Butt Cheek Hills, Wiscohiowasota

    What’s in the man purse?: The trifecta: iPhone, iPad3, Macbook. Measuring tape to make sure the cuffs on his pants are exactly the width that all the fashion blogs tells him they should be.

  17. Rest of Appearance: Unkempt ginger beard, expensive birth control glasses, ragged flannel shirt, ironic high school sports t-shirt that sags on his pipe-cleaner arms, his Zoey’s jeans.

    Name: Zechariah

    Age: 32

    Occupation: Owns food cart selling $9 bahn mi sandwiches and $12 portions of Pad Thai, both vegan, “sustainable” and local.

    Hobbies: Sniffing at non-hipsters buying food from him, smoking American Spirits.

    Lives now: Mississippi Avenue condo paid for by his parents
    Is actually from: Missoula, Montana.

    What’s in the man purse?: iStuff, packs of American Spirits, copy of McSweeneys.

  18. Rest of Appearance: Crusted hair (clean hair can make the hat slide off), tattoo of last bath it had on left linguini arm and pants 3 sizes too small cause it wants to show it really can look like an ugly woman.

    Name: Bryce

    Age: 29 & 1/2

    Occupation: Maker of men’s peds & continental belts.

    Hobbies: Sketching feet for those peds and his one friend, ‘Spot’.

    Lives now: He’s not sure yet if he likes right under the Williamsburg Bridge or an apartment at the more dangerous but lovely, Bushwick Gardens.

    Is actually from: OHIO

    What’s in the man purse?: Four bucks for a freshly roasted cup of mango culata java, a picture of the iPod that was stolen from him on his last subway ride, and lastly a book titled, ‘Favorite Places for Spot to Poop’.

  19. Rest of Appearance: $200 handmade belt buckle purchased from fellow hipster, kickball league t-shirt, suspenders, ironic mustache with ends waxed into curls, green vel-felt German Alpine hat.

    Name: Jackson

    Age: 28

    Occupation: freeze tag referee.

    Hobbies: red rover, pretentiousness, listening to bands you’ve never heard of, leaving butthurt comments on diehipster, pillow forts

    Lives now: Clinton Hill. Tells people he lives in the burg.

    Is actually from: Dingleberry Crossing, Idaho

    What’s in the man purse? Kurt Vonnegut novel that has been bookmarked at page 15 for the last 6 months, iPad, bag of cruelty-free dried apricots

  20. Rest of Appearance: Depression-era bare-knuckle boxer mustache, elbow patch thrift store blazer

    Name: Owen

    Age: 35

    Occupation: Organic kale buyer and urban goat farm collective compost wrangler.

    Hobbies: Vegan food blogger, chronicling all the best places that have opened in “the Nabe”.

    Lives now: Bed-Stuy shared $8000/month loft space with three non-profit administrative assistant lamp-post band poster staplers.

    Is actually from: Mansfield Ohio via Corn Cobbler Iowa.

    What’s in the man purse?: Pitchfork magazine press release to promote his band, which has yet to play a gig and leaflets to promote all white anti-racist roller derby collective

  21. Not sure about the rest but: :
    HOBBIES : annoying the pre-existing, knuckle dragging native population, demeaning the pre-existing population, civilizing the pre-existing population, uplifting the ungrateful pre-existing population , pricing out the pre-existing population and organically, sustainably, artisinally rimming the pre-existing population in hopes of ingesting urban, gritty authenticity. Lotsa luck !

  22. Rest of Appearance: Scabs, bruises, and tears – all courtesy of my fists.

  23. Rest of Appearance: 1980′s era “Vintage” T-shirt with quirky saying from random Kellog’s brand cereal that he himself would never eat since it is not organic, is not sold in whole foods or otherwise offends his delicate sensibilities, knit cap bought in trendy boutique reported to be made of all natural organic hemp fibers by starving women in Kenya, Cardigan sweater reminicent of Charlie Brown, full sleeve tattoos of generic koy fish and lotus flowers that looks just like his best friend Dylan’s, pretentious self-centered look of entitlement

    Name: Ethan

    Age: 38

    Occupation: Proffessional assistant to the assistant manager of an up and coming Brooklyn microbrewery run by 3 guys orginally from Minisotta

    Hobbies: Drinking overpriced decaf soy lattes from cafe’s while extoling the long list of reasons why they are entitled to live off Mommy and Daddy until they are 50 years old and discussing social injustices that are far beyond their myopic comprehension

    Lives now: 300 square foot studio in trendy Nabe with the low parentally subsidized price of $3500/mo plus utillities with 3 “artists’ that haven’t seen a razor in a year and a half.

    Is actually from: Small suburban neighbor hood in Michigan where Mommy and Daddy never told them no

    What’s in the man purse?: Flier for poetry reading and art show in a tiny gallery in North Williamsburg, Glass case for his pretentious horn rimmed glasses of bottle glass proportions, change purse used to hold proceeds of his recent performance art piece at the park last week, Organic breast milk cheese wrapper, receipt for a Venti quad non-fat decaf soy latte, portable yoga mat to cushion his pretentious behind in case of emergency tantrum

  24. In his Man purse: kangaroo scrotum coin pouch, balilaka and foldable
    digeredoo hand carved from sustainable wood by pre-pubescent aboriginal youth and purchased from Kadjeem, a black marketeer on a Kirgistani peace corps mission, early-to-mid 70s new wave disco sheet music for didgeridoo practice, a Smoky Robinson 8-track cassette, Starburst, a mini lite-brite

    Hobbies: tap dancing, impersonating Laura Palmer at illegal impromptu underground Schwick dinner parties, posing as “the underground sandwich man:” peddling Grass fed Philly chese steaks customized with pink vegan cheese whiz art just to make some extra cash to subsudize his future documentary focusing on the plight of the Himalayan Chinchilla, as well as dancing the charleston and hand rolling fair-trade menthol tobacco cigarettes from his monthly bicycle sojourns to the Poospattuck Indian reservation.

    Job: artist~ he collects moustache clippings from portable biodegratable art deco barbershop phone booths and repurposes them into moustache-trimming lacquered rotary telephones that he sells at the flea market but in reality he is the assistant intern to the director of organic local yak milk procurement at the co-op, even though he is vegan and lactose intolerant.

    Name: Lawerence, but he goes by Garrett

    Currently lives on a $2200/month fire escape in Greenpoint with 7 roommates and a 3 couch surfers, but he actually aspires to live in a repurposed $5000/month bingo-hall-studio just off of Bedford Ave.

    Originally from: Buttefuck, Wisconsin

    Outfit: cowboy shirt from vintage Texas rodeo show store, paisley scarf, a Russian Shapka hat, an alligator belt, a Davey Crockett faux raccoon tail hat, a smurfette tattoo designed by the great nephew of Andy Warhol’s greatest lay.

  25. Rest of appearance: Rainbow striped ringer shirt rejected by Vincent Garber’s stylist for use in “Godspell”, and subsequently purchased for $250 at a thrift store you don’t about. Doc Holliday vest, complete with pocketwatch. Goes to Anti-Racist action protests with a long moustache and beard as a silent protest because they are ironically reminiscent of old southern slave owners in places like Flinksburg, Tennessee.

    Originally From: Flinksburg, Tennessee

    Name: Brewster (he spells it Brustur)

    Currently lives: $2800/month studio split in Bushwick.

    Job: Unpaid intern oatmeal marketing firm.

    Hobbies: Working on his screenplay, taking accordion lessons, wondering if sewing up the holes in his socks would make them less ironic, understanding the suffering of the natives and wondering why they don’t like him even though he understands their suffering and leads protests to help them out, complaining that everybody knows about instagram now, trying to get the restraining order that Zoey Deschanel took out against him overturned, writing poetry on the train so everybody sees him writing poetry.

  26. Rest of Appearance: Lime green v neck t-shirt with the cast of scooby-doo on the front with beige colored suspenders. A blue and orange scarf and a brown suede fedora hat.

    Name: Bradon

    Age: 31

    Occupation: assistant to the assistant of the assistant manager of a non profit orginization that helps people come up with names of new Lattes.

    Hobbies: Trying to create art, banjo playing, scarf shopping, trying to figure out how to please a woman.

    Lives now: park slope studio apartment with 3 roomates.

    Is actually from: Butthole, Idaho

    What’s in the man purse?: extra pairs of socks, a joint, a vintage pez dispenser, a pamphlet asking for more bike lanes in brooklyn, no money.

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