New Orleans Craigslist Post

I guess somebody from New Orleans (which I’ve been hearing is also infested with cage-free Caleb’s) sent me this funny Craigslist ad. Now, compared with my Fishing for Hipster ads – if this ad got a serious response from some celery-physiqued beardo – it would be like catching Jaws and Moby Dick on the the same hook. Enjoy!

 

Hipster-ass Hipster Bike for Hipsters – $180 (Bywater)


Date: 2012-03-11, 12:47PM CDT
Reply to: cqcj2-2896467643@sale.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


 

I am selling my Vista Carrera 7 road bike. Perfect for the aspiring culture creator. I have recently become a Successful Entrepreneur and I no longer have the need for such trifling possessions. I drive a gigantic cargo van that literally pisses gas onto the road to mark its territory.

Do you want to be noticed? Do you want to stand out from the crowd? Sleeve tattoo didn’t do the trick? Dubstep bounce remix didn’t go viral? Look no further than this bike. Don’t even look past it in the pictures posted below. Import it into Photoshop and delete the background. I know you know how to do it, because you’re a graphic designer.

Orange body. Green accents. Pink handlebar wrap. Some silver. Black. Dirt. Are there even any more colors? There are awesome reflective stickers on the bike, too, which makes darting out in front of automobiles on dark evenings and asserting one’s absolute and total right of way even more self-righteously awesome. Dear motorist: Did you not see the stickers. Do you think I have time to just put stickers on things. I’m trying to save the world from people like you.

Just think of all the great places you could see and be seen on this bike:

1. An Obama rally
2. A Ron Paul rally
3. Rally’s
4. Miscellaneous

The possibilities are endless.

This bike will get you laid. If you ride this bike around Audobon Park at 1 in the morning without pants on, dudes will literally knock you off of your bike to try to blow you.

This bike is a freewheel fixed gear, because you’re a fucking monster and you have one speed, and that speed is +/- 15mph.

A seat comes with the bike, but is not pictured. If you want, you can ride the bike without the seat to simulate the stick you have up your ass about which Pavement album is best, which political cause that matters to you most intermittently, or about whatever it is that you “do.”

SAFETY FEATURES

This bike is Japanese and comes with four distinct safety features:

Safety Feature #1: front brakes only. Because you’re not about to conform to anyone’s preconceived notions of how a bike should stop.

Safety Feature #2: Quick release back wheel. I took this bike to Mike the Bike Guy on Magazine to get a tune up once, and he refused to work on it because of this Safety Feature. He said it was a “Frankenstein bike.” I asked him if he didn’t agree that Frankenstein was a literary masterpiece. I thought that after losing that argument he might be a gentleman and agree to tune up the bike for free, but he remained all pissy and still refused to work on it, even for money.

The next time I went in to Mike the Bike Guy on Magazine was to get air. I was all, hey MTBG, can I get some air? He was all yes. It was clear that we both believed that air is a free resource that should not be commodified. Common ground. He pointed me toward his air machine. Everything seemed cool. When I realized that the nozzle didn’t fit my bike’s tires, I was all, hey MTBG, how does this nozzle go on? He looked at me, turned around, took two steps toward the back of the room, and let out a loud SIGH. I couldn’t blame him. I work with people too, and sometimes they ask me questions because they don’t know things and I am the paid expert on the exact things they don’t know and I am standing right next to them, and I have to humiliate them in front of others before I answer them, too. It’s all just part of the job.

Safety Feature #3: Helmet. That’s my helmet. You can ride in a painter’s cap and pretend to be smart at the same time, but you’re not fooling anyone.

Safety Feature #4: Welding fix at seat joint. When this joint came loose, the bike was deemed horribly unsafe. When I welded it back together, it became safe again, therefore: safety feature. It’s supersturdy now; I welded it to fuck and back. I painted the welding joint green because I was feeling creative and I don’t have to explain my art to anyone.

Safety Feature #5: Apparently this bike has really nice rims. I am listing this under Safety Features because I feel that less-nice rims would probably make the bike marginally less safe.

Safety Feature $6: Earthquake proof.

$180 or best offer. Cash is fine. Your parents can PayPal me directly. Or see below:

I’m totally into creative trades (this part is actually serious). Musical instruments (serious – esp synths and pedals); original art (serious); US Currency (for srsly); leisure suits (I’m 6’1”, 180, with long arms and broad shoulders. Let’s stick with dark colors – I’m kind of pale and I don’t like to look washed out); real estate/underwater mortgages (4realz dogg); antique firearms (I promise I won’t trade you the bike and then shoot you with what was previously your firearm in order to steal my bike back and sell it again, although wouldn’t that be ironic, or would it, I don’t know, we use the word incorrectly so often that I’m not sure it matters); casual sex. Show me what you got.

27 thoughts on “New Orleans Craigslist Post

  1. I’ve been reading this site for a while and I thoroughly enjoy wasting productive time at work on it, but seriously, proof before you post. It should be Calebs, plural, not Caleb’s, possesive. Don’t hate me. I’m just sayin’. If one is going to publish to a global audience – and DieHipster reaches a global audience – one’s English should be propper.

    • I do that often when I type fast and post quickly. I don’t really care if I do either. I don’t claim to be a writer or English major. I think the points I try to make overrule the grammatical errors. Now I hate you.

      • Damn! Didn’t mean to bring the hate. Was just trying to help. You got something good, here. You could make some serious ad revenue from this. No offense intended.

        • Ok, I don’t hate you anymore. But you’re not the best proof reader either. I wrote the word “the” twice (the the) in the first paragraph too.

          • It’s 10:30 PM EDT and I am having Cap’n Morgain induced dyslexia… Point DieHipster.

      • For what it’s worth… I’m not a writer or English major. I dropped out of school in the 9th grade and taught myself grammar, as best I could, while doing time on the south Georgia chain gang.

      • But you wanna know why I like this site? Because I’m an ex-con who couldn’t buy a job, so I struck out on my own. Now I own several tech-based businesses. I don’t give a fuck if someone grows a a beard or wears skinny jeans — they just can’t work for me because I don’t hire pretentious-ass mother fuckers. I’m a 50-something ex-biker, Army vet and I love how this site exposes what the late George Carlin calls “the culture of child worship.”

        This site is important because it tries to stop the pussification (another George Carlin term) of America.

        • I’m a 23 year old woman and I agree with you and George Carlin’s “culture of child worship”. Luckily(and I’m not being ironic), I was raised not by a boomer but by my mom a crazy but loving immigrant from a 3rd world country who gave me whoppins and never let me or my ego step out of line. This is why I can’t relate to hipsters. I was told and I knew if I was going to college I couldn’t study a hipster major like linguistics or spanish if I wanted a job. I do want a normal job….I’m no sorry ass hipster. Generally if you were raised by American baby boomers, you are most likely going to be a hipster. I would say 80% of the kids I grew up with who were raised by Americans are now hipsters with no job or no plans for a real career.

          What you have left is a few outliers and then all of the children of immigrants. It’s interesting, I would like to learn more about the psychology of hipsterdom.

    • it’s spelled, “proper”. ;)

    • I am sick and TIRED of these hipsters

    • propper, eh?

  2. “Your parents can PayPal me directly.” Love it. All of it. When I lived in the south, cow tipping was our pass time. Man I wish I was young again. I’d be tire-ironing all day long.

  3. Wow, that was funny. You may have some competition.

  4. That was an amazing and priceless.

  5. ..”EARTHQUAKE PROOF”.

    +1!

    • Or this whole crew:

      http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304450004577277482565674646.html?mod=WSJ_article_comments#articleTabs%3Darticle

      And right here we have the explanation for why so many parents run themselves broke to keep their fortysomethings in Brooklyn: giving them whatever they want is better than having to deal with a temper tantrum. And speaking from experience, having seen it a few times, there’s nothing quite so spectacular as a fortysomething linguini-leg’s tantrum.

      By the way: apparently Britain’s hipster problem goes back a bit further than I thought:

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Student_Grant

      • I’m a firsthand witness of this coddling helicopter crap. My nephew, Precious Snowflake, has been coddled and protected his whole life by his overbearing overprotective paranoid helicopter yuppie parents. Now at age 22 he can barely get himself dressed and out the door without assistance. I’ve seen 14 year olds who are more competent than him.

        I can’t stand it….really…and there are so many that have been raised just like this or similarly…

        Precious was held back in the second grade because his parents felt he was too shrimpy to compete with the other kids, and so by being a year older than the other kids, they felt he’d have an advantage. -NewsFlash- Aren’t ALL kids in the second grade kind of shrimpy? Because they’re KIDS!?!?!! Also, because he didn’t have the attention span of Albert Einstein at age 7, they put him on the Adderall, Risperdall, Trazadone cocktail.

        Then he got sent to a very expensive prep school. It’s supposed to be very exclusive and special because of the high price tag. It keeps the, you know, those ‘other” people out, but in reality, if your checkbook is big enough, they will happily accept any Precious child. And they are very generous with the Participation Trophies, because Precious has a room full of them.

        At age 12 he got into some fight with some kids at the yuppie country club in yuppie Cul-De-Sac-Ville, that his yuppie parents couldn’t afford but felt they needed to belong to. So mommy jumped in and said OK Precious you don’t have to go back, Mommy will protect you from all those scary rich kid gangsta cul-de-sac hoodlum country club thugs. Now a lot of those scary “thugs” are all in med school, law school, MBAs, engineering school, etc., and Precious is an Art History of Architecture dropout sitting on his ass in his bedroom of his parents’ playing Macbook DJ and video games in his skinny jeans, ironic t-shirts and faux lumberjack shirts; waiting for that Big Internship to fall out of the sky. And his parents are totally allowing this, even encouraging it. After all, Precious is too Precious to wait tables or be a line cook or sales clerk until he finally(if ever) actually gets the internship. It would take away from his Art of Macbook DJing. And while waiting for the job as the Head Curator of a big museum (uh, yeah, with no college degree yet and no actual work experience. Talk about entitled).

        His parents would be happy to PayPal directly. They’re used to it, hell, they do it all the time. You don’t even have to ask, it’s already a given. However, 22 year old Precious doesn’t know how to ride a fixie. His parents won’t let him because it’s “too dangerous” even with all those safety features you’ve included. Maybe if you add even more safety features(perhaps a set of training wheels? Four more sets of brakes? Giant air horn?) they’ll bite. But if you have some really expensive video game consoles, really expensive camera or DJ audio equipment for sale, they’ll Pay Pal you in a nanosecond for those.

      • Short answer? A lot of it has to do with the exurban/ outer suburban lifestyle of chauffeuring your kids around until college due to a lack of public transit.

    • Great line from the article: We no longer send astronauts into space with our own rockets – instead, we rely on Russia – yet seem to open new cupcake boutiques faster than a neutrino in a European (not American) particle accelerator.

      So TRUE! These people have one brain cell between them, and can’t see that when they open their Kute Kupcake boutique, there are 5 others in a 3 block radius doing the EXACT SAME THING. There is nothing cute about paying $5 for Betty Crocker E-Z Bake oven sized cupcakes.

  6. That was interesting Leroy! It makes sense. But what is funny is how much these hipster dicks claim to hate their parents yet always need their parents to tie their shoes for them at 30. I wouldve caught a whooping if I asked my dad to untie and put on my shoes at age 8!!!! Actually come to think of it, any one I know from my neck of the woods who isnt a hipster….they maybe a yuppie….anyways had a mother and/or father that was a doctor or a lawyer or had a father(like mine) that was in Vietnam. My parents actually met when my mother spit on my dad while protesting Vietnam in The Village! Time passes, I am born. My father taught me work ethic etc. My mother taught me to care for others above all else. “Youre going to be a doctor, a policeman, civil rights lawyer, fireman” yada yada…. Well here I am back in the city of my mother’s birth tying everyone my age’s shoe. They claim to be socially conscious but really dont want to help.

    They love to call 911 for the homeless drunks in the LES. Now the claim to feel sorry for them and want to show their friends how concerned they are about the poor just like they were taught to do in their WASP churches back home. What they really want is EMS to “remove the garbage” from in front of their favorite bar, stoop, or L train. So I show up annoyed because I hear real jobs going out. But I guess if someone says YAH over the phone Bloomy will have every piece of emergency apparatus respond to help pwecious. I show up annoyed and let Ethan know it. “Congrats! You saved a drunk man sleeping!” They love to give me the “shame! you fascist! shame!” in front of all their like minded bobble heads. My response is ALWAYS this(and I love it cause they know they are beat)”You really care about this guy? He’s cold and hungry? Youre really want to help?….”um YAH!” “How about you pick up this smelly urine soaked person with your own muscle power and take him back to YOUR apartment and give him a shower, something gluten free from Whole Foods, and let him sleep on you couch?” Funny. I still have no takers.

  7. Just think of all the great places you could see and be seen on this bike:

    1. An Obama rally
    2. A Ron Paul rally
    3. Rally’s
    4. Miscellaneous

    The possibilities are endless.
    LOLS!

  8. Here I now insert my hate.

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