Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Brody the barista receiving his 14th place participation trophy in the Big Wheel Race-Sit ‘n Spin-Latte Foam Happy Face Making triathlon for emaciated bearded transplants from Jasperville, Pennsylhiokota to Brooklyn. So I whacked him across the face with my tire iron so hard that his summertime wool ski hat landed in Staten Island. End of story.

60 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

  1. Poor Brody. Maybe he and his fellow “more money than brains” trustafarians can stop on his way back home to get a cupcake from the cupcake ATM:

    http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2012/03/08/cupcake-atm-vends-sweet-treats-around-the-clock/?hpt=ea_bn2&hpt=hp_c2

    So…place your bets. Will the cupcake ATMs be taken out first because only a few idiots are willing to pay $4 for a fresh-baked cupcake at 4 ayem, or will the whole cupcake craze crash and the parent company shut down first? (I swear, the worse a fad company is doing, the more likely it is to do stupid stunts like these in the hopes of getting some more attention.)

    • Both. And it’s not so much the actual number of cupcake shops but the media saturation – blogs, newpapers and – what – six seven reailty series about cupcakes? But I can’t wait for the whole thing to come crashing down – and I’ll be laughing hardest at the former 250K a year financial analyst who put her self in hock to persue her dream of owning a cupcake shop – at the tail end of the trend.

      Why doesn’t anyone invent something society really needs like an ATM that offers 4 dollar rub-n-tugs?

      • You and me both. It’s already starting to come down in Dallas, where a lot of it started. I know a lot of the local cupcake boutiques are in trouble, and I figure that we’ll see lots of notices from landlords informing the tenant that the locks have been changed before too long.

        I don’t worry about Joyce and Kandy running themselves into hock, though. Dallas’s own cupcake geniuses are usually financed by their workaholic finance husbands, who figure that paying for their wives’ little hobby businesses gives them more time to spend with their girlfriends. The same thing happened a few years back with the whole scrapbooking fad, where the stores’ bankruptcies were practically a math error for the owners’ husbands’ portfolios. Before you know it, Joyce and Kandy will find some other bright shiny object and and start over, making sure to cut a big check for their kids Josh and Meghan in Brooklyn while they’re at it.

          • If I remember correctly, that Blockbuster is now dead, too. They’ll have that parking lot all to themselves. It’s also right on the edge of Highland Park, where you have far more money than brains. You could fill those cupcakes with dog shit, and the Highland Parkers would fall over themselves to brag about how they “discovered” a new taste sensation.

          • As f-d up as this story is, you really can’t blame the guys for at least one part of their plan: wanting to seperate hips and yups from their parents’ money…

            It’s especially funny that they apparently bought a lot of the cupcake supplies from Walmart in the form of Betty Crocker mix kits. About the only thing hipsters pretend to hate more than Betty Crocker is Walmart.
            Imagine the look on Granny’s friend’s face when she realizes her “brilliant” manager’s red velvet cupcakes came out of a box.
            Oh, actually I see in the second article that when asked about it she denied it. Nice work Megan.

            And speaking of red velvet, my brother and I were talking about the hipster plauge in his neighborhood the other day and he made a great point: “it’s funny that all these green, natural, crualty free, fair trading sheep love this red velvet crap so much. The shit is like half artificial coloring.”
            HA!

          • That’s probably the only reason why “D” magazine went into that expose. The only time “D” switches from its incessant “Best of Dallas” coverage in each issue, designed specifically to amp up hit counts as people vote for awards that mean NOTHING, is when someone on the staff has been wronged. Well, that’s not completely true: it also suddenly switches on the outrage directed at someone else when someone on the staff is under investigation, such as going nuts when the editor was caught strongarming a Dallas school into getting his kids into a program designed for low-income children. The only other time you’d see anybody at “D” getting upset is if a global plague suddenly took out every coca plant on the planet.

        • Hipster ponzi scheme

    • Wow, just wow. How can there be 8 poster children? This is almost a parody

    • Justin Roase, Darrin Kovar and Pip Hanson all looked like they raided the LLBean catalog at thrice the price.

      • Yeah “Pip” especially made me want to punch him in his beadbug factory. Oh, your name is Pip eh? We get it Pip. You read Great Expectations just before you decided to start dressing and acting like an 18th century silversmith’s apprentice
        Fucking Sheep.

        Swamp Yankee: ‘Almost’ is the key word. Unfortunately this is exactly what the majority of people in two of the four corners of my city now look like. It used to be just the transplants, but now even a lot of the locals are hipsters, and it’s even in the suburbs. What’s worse for you and all our friends in BK, is that as soon as they can convince their parents or their parent’s AIF that the scene in Minneapolis “is so totally dead now maaaan, like yah”, they’ll be on the first U-Haul to Billyland.

        • Darrin Kovar is in desperate need of an appointment with the hipster beater. What a redbeard fuck.

          • That’s the one I would target… “Day job: Photographer/student.” I highly doubt this 35-year-old perpetual student is making a gentrification living as a “photographer”. What a parasitic fuckbag. Should be dragged by his red beard into the street in front of a dump truck…

          • Ha – I didn’t even notice that before – “Photographer/student”. That is classic. Dude in his mid to late 30s, still wasting his parents money by taking useless courses that offer no financial future, and hanging around at night taking pictures of fixies, penny farthings, and other hipsters. If I was that thing’s father, I’d be looking into retroactive abortion.

          • Look out Matt Gross – you got another trustfund, red-bearded, worthless, gentrifying, yupster “daddy-blogger” out there:

            DARRIN KOVAR

            tapirspoop.blogspot.com

            Bio: Kovar, 31, is a stay-at-home dad. He and his wife live in St. Paul with their sons, ages 3 and 6 months.

            The lone blogger: Kovar recently hosted a play group at his home for parents from his Early Childhood Family Education class. He was the only dad among the moms — and the only blogger. “I’m not that techy,” said playgroup attendee Shannon Korb, shrugging.
            “They’re much better parents than I am, they don’t say, ‘Daddy needs time with his computer,’ they spend time with their kids instead,” Kovar joked.
            “We read Darrin’s blog instead of writing our own,” Korb said, laughing.

            Blog style: Kovar’s wisecracking continues on his blog. “My blog is not going to talk about the pain of breastfeeding,” he says. “It might be a little more snide.” But it’s actually a family-friendly blog, in which Kovar writes about activities that parents can take their kids to around the Twin Cities.

            Gear daddy: Besides covering activities for families, Kovar also writes about gear, such as the philteds stroller, a New Zealand export that causes people to stop him on the street. “I should be getting a commission from them,” he says.

            Excerpt: “There is something very un-Lake Woebegone (sic) about posting yourself up for everyone to see or, for that matter, assuming that anyone would want to see you in the first place. Can you even be passive aggressive over the Internet? So, despite my inner Minnesotan telling me that there is something very wrong with having a blog, here I am.”

            STOP FUCKING BREEDING

          • Wow, can you imagine what kind of fucking pussies those kids are gonna grow up being?

          • Mr.Baerga! :o) how are ya?

    • Holy shit…

  2. What did Staten island ever do to you?

    • As countless emaciated lumberjacks sitting in Latte Collectives in gentrified Ye Olde North Breuklein do a search on their MacBooks to find out what state ‘Staten Island’ is in. Haven’t had that many Haydens jamming google search since the Hipster Beater told of how he impaled Quaid and Hummus on a Johnny Pump.

    • My brother lives in Staten Island and has for over 15 years now. He made me crack up the other day when he said “You really need to clue me in on wtf a hipster is.” Maybe I need to move to Staten Island to avoid them.

    • Oh, and now you have an idea of what their parents are like:

      http://gothamist.com/2012/03/07/video_texan_reviews_nyc_notes_its_k.php

      For the record, anybody who wants to punch her in the throat has my blessing. I suspect she’s either from Highland Park or Plano, and torqued out of shape that everything isn’t sanitized and silenced for her protection. Seriously, guys, this is why everyone in New Orleans is shocked beyond words that I say things like “please” and “thank you”, because they’re used to Dallasites like this piece of shit.

      • DC is loaded with Texan broads and their caregivers like this too. But they stand in the middle of the street or Metro steps and clog things up for the normal people. Go back to fucking Mayberry, assholes..

    • Lessee – goat takes a dump on the floor. New topping! Goat? What goat? Idiots.

  3. Yo..DH my dude. You really need to stop associating these hipster fucksticks with the DJ title. As a dj of almost 15 years, most of these types don’t and never had what it takes to even get that title. Using a usb controller to pick songs on itunes/virtual dj is not shit! Ive gone through buying vinyl, carrying heavy ass crates/flight cases, working my way up to residencies, opening up for national/international acts and actually working to get that title. The fuck does some hayden know about carrying 25+ pound crates when they can’t even lift more than 10 pounds without having a heart attack!

    • Most of them can’t even properly mix, beatmatch, don’t know anything about cutting or scratching, don’t know how to connect cables, or even how to gauge a crowd in order to keep people into it. They would probably play their cheeky indiestep remixes of MGMTcollective and clear out the room.

      • Lack of technical prowess aside, they simply have no taste.

      • Don’t remind me. Not only do I have sympathy for you, but I regularly do events where someone decided to hire Hummus as the DJ. Not only, invariably, are you talking about shitty music, but hipster pseudo-DJs ALWAYS get butthurt when the participants try to talk over the music. Whether it’s a private party or a shopping expo, it always leads to someone having to scream to tell the DJ to turn down the fucking volume, and the DJ whining about how “everyone’s happy with it”. My wife and I do a lot of local arts expos in our area, and the moment we see “DJ” as one of the features of the show, we turn it down, because it’s impossible to sell anything when you and the customer are having to scream to hear each other over Vampire Weekend or Arcade Fire at 130 decibels.

      • MGMTcollective indie shite, clear out the room. That’s exactly what they do. I know because my nephew, The Most Talented, Most Unique, Most Precious Snowflake Of Them All(if you believe what his sticks-up-their-asses/noses-in-the-air yuppie parents say) does this with the $6,000+ MacBook iProducts said parents bought for him. I looked through his iPod once to see what the big deal was, and it was all MGMT tripe.

        Since every time we have a family visit, I am forced to listen to his remixes(and his tedious parents’ latest paranoias), let’s just say I generally make other plans. They think it’s music, although you can tell they have no clue what they’re listening to. He goes into lengthy flowery colorful descriptions about it and they still don’t get it, but he’s Precious; so whatever Precious does, IT MUST BE GENIUS.

        Random sounds with no progressions, rhythm changes or dynamics is how I would describe it. But his mom thinks he’s cool.

        • Oh, and 2 years ago he got a $3000 remixing pad for Christmas. Three guesses who got it for him. A couple months ago I asked Precious if he’s still using it. He said “nah, it’s old.” So there goes that $3000 down the drain and the toy goes into the recycling. Must be nice to have $3000 to just throw away like that.
          And his music still sucks. Just because you have expensive equipment does not mean you are talented.

          • “nah, it’s old.”

            Could you imagine what the DJ from the Bronx in the 70s and 80s would think of that? Those guys, who started it and had real talent for it, would hotwire their turntable and speakers to lightpoles in the park, and connect ratty old extension cords to each other to get power. Now you have some hipster snowflake Hummus motherfucker that can’t use a $3000 piece of patentally supplied equipment because there is a newer version somewhere. And hipsters wonder why every ethnic group despises them?

          • If memory serves me right, Grandmaster Flash hand built the world’s first cross fader with $20 worh of parts from Radio Shack. I can’t say for certain, but I bet he used that brilliant little piece of equiptment for years while he was modifying and improving on the original.

            Now we have “DJs” who at BEST use Serrato to scratch MP3s with real vinal and even worse, on the far side of the lame spectrum spin CDs on the “ones and one” or spin fake records on thier iPads. And apparently also toss out $3,000 mixers after a few years when they get “old”. Unbelievable. That right there is the difference between someone who works for their money and loves their art, and a person who is given everything and latches on to someone else’s culture to be trendy.

      • I completely agree.

        I was at some club, can’t remember where. The transitions were horrible. Weaving songs together that really had no business being next to each other, and it was obvious the DJ had no idea of what bpm meant. He was just playing songs at random as if he connected his iPod and just let it run.

        My boyfriend has friends who are DJs who have been doing it for years, and a few play at some of the in clubs in the city. They scoff and make fun of these wannabes all the time. I also work with 2 guys who DJ at night, and they blow the lid of these assholes.

  4. Big Wheels? Shouldn’t it be Venti?

  5. Its so nice out tonight, I’m hoping to see Hummus leading a urban exploration party up to Tremont and Webster tonight he he he

  6. Oh goody,
    Apple is expanding into Austin. Good for us, not so good for Austin. I just invested the SwampYankee fortune in bike-rack futures!

    • On one side, Austin has always been a tech center, and Apple moving there isn’t surprising when you note that Dell is headquartered in Round Rock. You should see the maps of “Silicon Gulch”. On the other, the current plague of hipsters got its anchor from available customer service and design positions where the companies were happy to get individuals who knew how to turn on a computer. I knew a lot of proto-hipsters in the late Nineties who were suddenly doing very well for doing almost nothing at Dell, and they were insufferably smug about it.

      Of course, there’s always a good side to the tale, and that lies with how Austin is very much a boom and bust town outside of the University of Texas and the state government. In 1999, most of those proto-hipsters thought their shit smelled like lilac, and then the bust hit. Naturally, every last one went into denial: I met one guy who acknowledged that his company was doomed, but he was going to ride it out because he was making $60k to do nothing but read science fiction novels all day. When they got caught in the layoffs and another position that allowed them to jack off all day didn’t materialize…well, let’s just say you had a flood of Joshes who had to check to make sure that Mom hadn’t rented out their old rooms. (One was a guy I’d known since high school, who was on a desperate search for another sugar mama after his girlfriend finally got tired of him sitting around watching television and smoking weed all day. Back in the day, he had a rough Kurt Cobain “Please pity me” look to him that was catnip for Meghans. Imagine what Kurt would look like now after 20 years of heroin and bad booze, and you have a good idea on how blind a new Meghan would have to be to take him in.)

    • “The neighborhood’s new-found cool has also drawn trendy restaurants like Fatty ‘Cue, chef Zakary Pelaccio’s Southeast Asian barbecue joint on South Sixth Street that is slated to reopen soon after renovations”

      Awesome – glad ZACK could bring new found ‘coolness’ and hip food to the horrible, ignorant locals that have somehow survived all this time without him. Thanks, ZACK

  7. Filthy hipster scum.

  8. What kind of DOUCHEBAG wears a winter wool hat in summer? With a fucking scarf?

    • First Class Douchebags.

      I have had the misfortune of recently having had to live on Oahu, and the island is full of these clowns who are standout even amongst the other pretentious transplant asshats who live there.

      It is fooking Hawaii – year round it never gets colder than maybe 68 in the middle of the night in winter, and rarely over 85 in the day ever, and these pretentious jerks are kitted out in their jeans, scarves, wool hats, and all the usual paraphernalia amongst the normal people wearing shorts and t-shirts. Of course they rarely go outdoors, so maybe they need it for AC.

  9. Stay like developmentally challenged children forever. Thats what this website, Die Hipster, is chronicling and to have a platform to voice our reactions as we watch the devolution adult humans.

  10. As I type this, I’m watching a bunch of hipsters on the corner dressed as furries juggling and playing hoola-hoops.
    And I left my flame-thrower at home.

    • Oh My God! I feel sick after 1 minute of that shit.

      Animated Gifs, a history of something I’d prefer never existed. Talk about scraping the barrel for ideas.

  11. Does anyone know what happened to feeling some sense of guilt over getting copious amounts of financial assistance from your parents post age 25? I guess spending 24k a year of your parents money on rent alone, and being a judgemental fuckhead is the Brooklyn hipster version of being a sincere/decent human being!!!!!!!!!!!??????????? Fuck, really?!

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