diehipster’s missed connections

Dear Holden and Holly. I saw you studying the bronze sculptures at the 14th st A, C, E, L station yesterday evening and I knew you were getting to know either Chelsea – your new parentally sponsored ‘nabe’ – or the final stop on the amazing and quirky L train which comes from your other possible new stomping grounds; Williamsburg / Bushwick. Your matching all-season itchy and hot ‘look at me’ wool hats tipped me off to your recent arrival to NYC. The massive Nikon 4SXQe977.114 cameras around your chokeable necks also tipped me off. That death-stare I gave you was for real. I hope you enjoy the pussification and feminization of NYC that you are helping progress. Well after all, it’s all about progressive art, music and urban living that you homogenized mother fucking transplants root for all fucking day.  I know we’ll meet again. My chances will probably increase if I wait in front of the entrance to the Brooklyn Flea where you will soon discover to be a place to buy bacon flavored guitar picks and eat cage-free pickles. I hope to run into you again soon. If you happen to read this while surfing the web during business hours in a smug, $9.00 a cup North Brooklyn cafe run by bearded, lice hosting Spin Doctor looking mother fuckers - be sure to e-mail me so we can catch up on your progressive and zany Brooklyn staycation.

47 thoughts on “diehipster’s missed connections

    • Holy shit. I didn’t know this whole “missed connections” fad existed. So instead of growing a pair and being creepy guy on the subway when you approach a random hot girl, you write about it on the internet later that day, where everyone BUT random hot girl will read it. Brilliant. I can’t wait to not do this.

      • Is this for real? Really? Who knew?

        Well, anything to kill time rather than get a real job, I guess.

    • Holy shit those are pathetic (if they are real?)

    • These can’t be real

    • LOOK OUT! They’re trying to spawn!

    • Second one is fake but I fear first and third are real.

      • I wouldn’t be even remotely surprised if all three were real. Read them over and you can see the way they view the world. They’ve been brainwashed to think that every person they meet or every moment could be the start of some love story or something “special” or “magical”.

    • “I’m constantly compelled by the nature of digital communication and love-seeking in our modern setting, and by the duality of the idealized versions of ourselves that we choose to present to the world.”

      I think whoever wrote this is 100% for real. It is very representative of the art-speak nonsense you overhear, and filled with liberal-arts school anthropology major cliches. They think that if they string together enough big-people words then what they’re saying has to be deep and profound. If you actually read the sentence above, its complete gibberish. “I’m constantly compelled” does not make sense with what follows. And how you can be compelled by “duality” is a mystery to me, but the “idealized versions” don’t have “duality”, they are one side, with supposedly another side, and THAT would be duality.

      I can only hope this was DH fishing.

      • That’s what scares me about these people. Their entire existence is filtered through a digital toy. Ever walk into a bar or coffee shop and see them all staring like zombies at their little screens while basically ignoring the people all around them?
        Emotions and communications can only be transferred through the digital realm? Sick.
        I’ve seen couples who come in together ignore each other, not talking, hypnotized by their tiny screens.

        • Amen. The filtering aspect really creeps me out. They can’t “see” the world around them unless they view it via their gadgets. Fucking pod people. And now they’re brainwashing their children. Is anyone else creeped out by that iphone ad that ends with a little boy staring, open mouthed, hypnotized by a phone???

          • Hummus for Two pretty much sums it up, even if it was probably DH fishing.

            Ever go into a store and want to bash the living sh!t out of one of these douchebags because rather than TALK to the cashier they are texting/talking/studying the screen?

            I always want to yank their Daddy-provided Sm@rt@ss phone out of their paw and smash it to smithereens.

          • That’s why I’m actually glad that the Post Office has those automated postage machines out front these days. I end up mailing off a lot of stuff, and I got so desperately tired of being stuck behind some fiftysomething horseface so stuck on her phone that she’d grunt and point at the clerk rather than speak. Then, when the clerk would ask something that actually required an answer that couldn’t be handled with sign language, the horseface would sigh like a steam engine and start screaming “Can’t you understand me? Why don’t you learn English?” (Tapping said horseface on the shoulder and asking “You went to SMU, didn’t you?” produces an even better tantrum, because it hits too close to home.)

          • Don’t get me started on that. It should be illegal to give your kid a phone to play with instead of something that kid should actually have.

          • The closest thing I had to an iphone when I was a kid was etch-a-sketch.

  1. The guy that did those bronze sculptures, Tom Otterness , is a real douchebag who once adopted a stray dog from the pound, shot it and killed it. He videotaped it. To him it was “art”.
    I’d love to kidnap the fuck and do my own art project on him.

  2. A success as usual DH. Im sure I speak for everyone when I say “cant wait for the next Fishing for Hipsters”!

  3. I discovered this blog less than a week ago and am completely absorbed in it’s wonderfulness. I live in Maine, and while we frequent more of the “Trustafarians” than the hipsters, the same concept is there. The local and sustainable thing is a lot more genuine here, and we all pretty much partake in it as a whole, but as for the guy outside my office window, dressed in a bright teal sports jacket wearing cat eye sunglasses and an unnecessary comb over while he cleans snow off of his car with a witches broom, that’s what us Bar Harbor natives get in the form of a hipster. There is a college in our town that you could definitely do without, called College of the Atlantic. It’s the dream education many of your middle aged Brooklyn hipsters go to before transporting to Brooklyn. Costing roughly $50,000 a year, it houses hipsters, trustafarians, self proclaimed farmers and 3rd world country geniuses with full scholarships (who actually deserve to be there). There is only one major, human ecology, which translates into pretty much nothing. Its just the study of humanness. You build your own curriculum and could spend 4 years studying the growth of Kombucha if it pleased you. So for a large price tag, you get a college “degree” in a major that can do little more than give you bragging rights and render you jobless, resulting in what I’m assuming is your end of the spectrum, the parentally funded pilgrimage to the Brooklyn. It’s all starting to make sense now. Thanks for the posts.

    • This is College of the Atlantic’s Mission Statement: “At COA, students design their own major. If we’re going to truly wrestle with the problems of the world, we’ll have to make paths as we go. Along the way, choose from classes like…. Animation, Jazz Rock and Blues: From Their Origins to the Present, Ceramics, and Animal Behavior…”

      • ….transgender puppetry….chewing gum sculpture….

      • LMAO at a previous post: Gender Neutral Macrame

      • My family has a little place a few blocks from The Seawall Motel in Southwest Harbor. I have always loved Maine and was shocked enough when the meth came in to the area. Now you’re saying hipsters have invaded too. Welladay! Even more sadly, I live in Brooklyn. When the Helter Skelter happens and the shit really (and target practice) hits the fan, I will be the first one to don a Slipknot mask and start shooting hipsters in the face for cans of peaches from the roof turret of my armored Mad Max Winnebago. If my post-apocalyptic travels take me back to Bar Harbor, and you see me driving by, hold up a sign that says “Emily” and I’ll stop and give you some peaches. K?

        • Well, you will be happy to know that Seawall and Southwest Harbor have been affected the least on the island (the meth is still there), but the hipsters tend to stay on the trendy Bar Harbor side of the island. Southwest still has the genuine fisherman and rusticator feel to it.

    • Thanks for your post ! True Maine rocks. Organic farming and sustainability used to be called “life” in Maine, and still is for some, no ? I’m sure the coast is crawling with trustafarian hipster pseudo-sustainable wannabees – my condolences.

      I grew up in New York and New England, but have been out in Denver for about 17 years. The armpit of sustainable poseurism out here is up in Boulder, which is thankfully not that hard to avoid……. a “progressive, diverse” group of white limousine liberals and their bratty green offspring. This is hipster breeding ground central.

      I’ve also noticed that up in Boulder there’s a lot of “young family hipsters” who met in Brooklyn, but then just had to “leave the city” to come out west and raise their hipster progeny in the awesome clean mountain air and earthy self righteous smugness that is Boulder (a fucking glorified cul de sac at this point).

      • So, this is the line up: Grow up in the midwest, come to coastal Maine or somewhere equally hip and different for a liberal arts degree, reach your peak and make the move of your life to Brooklyn, and then get knocked up and make the best of it by moving to Colorado. We are starting to figure them out! And, yes, true Maine does rock. And I’m willing to admit that there are some hipster like tendencies in the normal people here, but the difference is that they are genuine and have purpose, and are not for show (sustainable farming for example) But, I think the thing we’ve been robbed of most recently, the thing that leaves me the most annoyed, is the Bean Boot craze. Bean Boots are hand made in Maine and VERY durable. They are somewhat of a necessity up here or anywhere with a decently cold climate. My friend, who lives in Brooklyn, talks about how “EVERYone down in Brooklyn wears Bean Boots. They have the really cool ones with the fur” … Really?

        • Really it doesn’t matter where they grow up or go to school as long as both aren’t actually in anywhere remotely urban or hard-nosed. We’ve got plenty of hipsters not far outside of Philly in the suburbs to the west of the working class boroughs and townships people like me grow up in.

          Then of course the inevitable move to whatever city they go to. I don’t hate them for that because it’s understandable to want to live in and experience somewhere completely different from everything you’ve ever known. However, that’s what places like Manhattan in NYC or Center City in Philly are for, not Brooklyn or South Philly. It’s not right to price people out of the only neighborhoods they’ve ever been allowed to live in.. and that’s where I draw the line.

        • Throw in the obligatory year or two in Portland/Austin and I think you have the Hipster life-cycle correct.

  4. I love it. Cage free pickles, LMAO

    • Better news for us: this is probably going to be shot down. Reading the whole thing, the author hits on so many hipster memes that I’m amazed that he didn’t include a link to this site.

  5. DH, “cage-free pickles”? nicely done!

  6. Nothing says “CREEPY HIPSTER SEX” like that PETA Valentine’s Day commercial where Meghan wears a neck brace.

    Repulsive.

    • Don’t remind me. An old friend of mine married a hipster, and he’s suddenly decided (just short of turning 40) that he “doesn’t want to be the grown-up any more. He won’t move out and he still comes by her house whenever he wants something, but mostly he comes by to brag about the latest sexual bullshit he’s trying with his new Meghan girlfriend. The latest twist among Dallas hipsters is to play “boss and secretary”, mostly because the world of work is completely alien to them. The twist with these little games is to set up rooms in a house as individual “offices”, with sex toys hidden in random places therein, and everyone is welcome to mix and match. When I heard this, I asked my friend “Do you need help shoveling his shit out on the lawn, or do you want me to break a 2×4 over his head right now?” (She won’t kick him out just yet, but I’m figuring that day is soon. When that happens, I’m looking forward to affixing his scrawny neck to a light pole with his vintage bicycle chain and kicking him until he pisses blood.)

  7. the feminization of new york needs to stop. Go dicks!

    • reading the article makes me want to go to one of the coffee shops the hates the practice and order 25 of them for a kindergarten class and then have the cock sucker label each of them with my snowflakes name, top individual ones with specific amounts of cinnamon and chocolate powered and make sure they get everything 100% perfect so that I can make all of the hipster fuckers in line behind me start to whine, snort and complain in their nasally voices about how long it is taking to get their cat shit coffee.

      I would then ask if they are organic soy based drinks and proceed walk out and leave it all on the tray when they tell me they are not

    • i saw this on the morning news yesterday or this morning… i had to barf. canklesaurus moonface brooklyn mommies with their crotchfruit saying that their precious little ones should have the whole coffeeshop experience as well. BARF. of course it was all brooklyn mommies. fucking idiots, and it’s nothing more than a 3 ounce cup of steamed milk (but not that hot they said! with some cinnamon sprinkled on top) :-/ i can only imagine how much they charge and these idiots lap it up. one of the news anchors made a joke and was like what next are they gonna serve apple juice to these brats in wine glasses at wine bars next?
      she didnt say the word brat, but i could tell she meant it.

      *rob*

  8. Brilliant, DH. Missed Connections is probably my favorite DieHipster feature.

  9. So many people write here giving their opinion as, “HEY WHY DON’T YOU GET A JAWB” “HEY THIS HAS GOT TO BE FAKE” “NOBODY WRITES THESE FOR ME EVEN THOUGH I (NOT SO) SECRETLY CHECK THEM EVERY DAY WISHING SOMEONE WOULD” etc. Well, why don’t you get a fucking life or write your own craigslist ad, guys? Seems more fruitful.

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