It’s time to play: Complete that picture!


Once again, it’s time to play – Complete that picture! Above is a picture of only a small portion of a hipster on the train. To play this game you must complete this picture by describing the rest of his appearance among other things like name, age, occupation, hobbies, where he lives, where he’s actually from, and what’s in his bag. I’ll go first – you can just copy and paste my list into the comment section – erase my answers and use it as a template.

Rest of Appearance: Robin Hood hat, all-season Al-Qaeda scarf, small star tattoo behind ear, I Heart Bushwick t-shirt.

Name: Owen

Age: 31

Occupation: Full-time L/G Train Rider — Part-time Flea Market Doorman

Hobbies: Urban yodeling, worm composting, writing poetry in coffee shops with inkwell and feather from Robin Hood hat.

Lives now: With performance artist girlfriend in affordable $4,200 three family studio in Greenpoint with views of Exxon/Mobile oil spill.

Is actually from: Gosper County, Nebraska

What’s in the man purse?: Yodeling on desolate and edgy industrial Bushwick streets for Dummies book, fair trade coffee-scented Purell hand sanitizer, cage-free vegan popcorn for West Bushwick Rooftop indie film festival.


89 thoughts on “It’s time to play: Complete that picture!

  1. Rest of Appearance: V-neck organic goat’s-ass wool sweater, $400 nerd glasses (frames only), wry grin and wanna-be-ironic eyes that scream for a Moe Howard gouging.

    Name: Drew

    Age: 36

    Occupation: Organic soy-oil candle marketing blogger, ATM queue manequin, wallflower.

    Hobbies: Looking vaguely intellectual at rooftop parties, sneering at NYC natives, getting soy-based candles rammed up the pooper after rooftop parties.

    Lives now: Deliciously alone in $3000 broomcloset/pillow fort conversion rental.

    Is actually from: Goatscrack, Colorado

    What’s in the man purse?: Shoes for gazing, snide remarks, sense of entitlement, soy-based candles with lingering fecal aroma.

  2. Rest of Appearance: Flannel & Suspenders.

    Name: Mark.

    Age: 38

    Occupation: Part time found items restoration.

    Hobbies: Hardcover book juggling.

    Lives now: In a 1200 dollar a month closet of a renovated loft space in Bushwick.

    Is actually from: West Bumblefuck, Nebraska.

    What’s in the man purse?: Subway tokens. Whole Foods receipt collection. Original gameboy with Tetris. CD player.

    • ” Original gameboy with Tetris”

      I have an original GBA with exactly two games, one of which is Tetris, and yes, I still play it. But not because I’m a hipster–I’m just a horribly late/lazy technology adapter. >.> At least I have the sense to only play it when I’m alone, instead of making sure to whip it out in a crowded room so everyone can see me being Old School.

  3. Rest of Appearance: Cable knit fisherman’s sweater, wool cap, ironic women’s vintage sunglasses.

    Name: Isaiah

    Age: 27 and 3/4

    Occupation: Making artisanal tire swings from found discarded steel belted radials.

    Hobbies: Pretending to look for a real job to appease mommy and daddy, posing.

    Lives now: On a friend’s couch in Queens. (shh! Don’t tell!)

    Is actually from: Sault Ste Marie, Wisconsin

    What’s in the man purse?: A wallet with a Wisconsin driver’s license and an ATM card from mommy and daddy. A mirror for preening, expired condoms.

    • “Hobbies: Pretending to look for a real job to appease mommy and daddy, posing.”

      Don’t they all?

  4. Rest of Appearance: Jug Head Cap with “where’s the Beef?” button, Night Ranger T-shirt, Neck tattoo of Japanese characters (which translates roughly into “Stupid round eye”), Ear lobe extenders. 82 dollar handcrafted wallet from Brooklyn Flea. Lingering Odor of rancid beer farts and apathy.

    Name: Harrison Whackamole

    Age: 27

    Occupation: Coffee house pundit, Grand Marshall of Mermaid parade, Shopping cart racer

    Hobbies: Blogging about evils of fast food and corn syrup while eating artisanal BBQ smoked over barrels reclaimed from Williamsburg turpentine factory. Pondering how many I-Phones he’ll need to relinquish on L train today.

    Lives now: 3500 dollar work/live church steeple in Greenpoint.

    Is actually from: Apron Strings, Montana

    What’s in the man purse?: Log of wry suburban cliche’s for band’s latest video, Zooey Deshanel inflatable doll, Che’ Guevara action figures, vintage Speak -n-Spell, oissue of Maxim’s “Babe’s of Bensonhurst” with pages stuck together, 8-track tape of Defrnaco family’s Greatest hits, list of women he responded to on Craigslist that were actually trannies and his g*nitals in a Gerber baby food jar.

  5. Rest of Appearance: Ironic Blatz beer shirt with Amish suspenders. Gray fedora(Sammy Davis rolls over in grave) and tiny round early 90′s Richard Lewis sunglasses frames

    Name: Brayson St. Jorgenson

    Age: 28

    Occupation: Barista at artisanal “beans from a monkey’s poop” coffee house, that only uses creamer made from the breast milk of local Sasha’s and Chloe’s

    Hobbies: smoking a professors pipe while wearing a vintage cardigan and crossing legs like a woman, while speaking very matter-of-factly about issues he has and never will know of first hand

    Lives now: Riverwest, Milwaukee but visiting old Kenosha High School friends who live in a $2800/bi-weekly apartment with paint splattered all over the walls to prove they’re “artists”, because he heard Williamsburg is “totes neo-boehemian”

    Is actually from: Riverwest, Milwaukee – before that suburban Kenosha, WI

    What’s in the man purse?: vintage typewriter just in case he sees a graveyard to type his short film script next to, cuz he saw Jason Schwartzman do it in Rushmore, and Rushmore is awesome because Wes Anderson made it, and Wes Anderson is the “greatest filmmaker of our time, because he’s quirky and ironic, and he thinks no one will notice that he’s copying the behavior of some hipster character from some hipster oriented film, and then all the sudden there’s a bunch of hipsters typing short stories in graveyards all over the country. Because they invented it, because they’re “creative” and “interesting”


    • If a hipster uses the words “quirky” to describe Wes Anderson more than three times, Bill Murray will appear to punch them in the mouth.

  6. Rest of Appearance: Goofy bowl haircut, 28-pound glasses, perpetual sneer at anything “mundane”, authentic fake vintage “Star Wars” T-shirt (goes with his extensive action figure collection).

    Name: Mark (real name: “Melvert”)

    Age: 38

    Occupation: Full-time clerk at nonprofit, nonpaying zine store

    Hobbies: Kayaking in toxic waste dumps, food truck and urban chicken blogging, hitting on 21-year-old English lit dropouts with serious daddy issues.

    Lives now: With wife (who works three jobs to subsidize his comic book habit) until one of his many girlfriends gets that book deal and asks him to come along for the signing tour.

    Is actually from: Dogfelcher Falls, Ohio

    What’s in the man purse?: Vintage bicycle parts, the Greedo action figure he’s been carrying around since he was seven, four abandoned high school crafts class sculpting projects, manifesto on how he’s going to get even with everyone in high school who used to pants him and shove him down the stairs once he’s famous.

    • Wife: who’s just a friend really. Yeah, they’re married but she doesn’t actually have sex with him. When she wants a kid she’ll have sex with a real man and pretend he did it while sleeping.

      Girlfriends: just friends who don’t have sex with him.

      Melvert: makes up for sexless marriage by blowing Josh and Caleb in the men’s room at Bushwick Arts Collective.

  7. Rest of Appearance:

    Name: Rowan

    Age: 28

    Occupation: Full-time L/G Train Rider to make up for all the lost years that his paranoid Oprah The View watching helicopter parents wouldn’t let him. Laptop DJ at totally obscure Bushwick art gallery the size of a janitor’s closet. Actually, it WAS a janitor’s closet, now it’s an art gallery.

    Hobbies: Reading about art in Brooklyn in the New York Times, talking about art in Brooklyn. Worshipping Dan Deacon. Going to a 6-figure tuition private university majoring in something useless, for the past 5 years, yes, at this point it’s a hobby.

    Lives now: When he’s not couch surfing in Ye Olde Tyme Breukelen, he lives on UWS with his parents.

    Is actually from: Upper West Side. Hangs out in Bushwick because it’s so urban and gritty, compared to the coddled Precious Snowflake Prep school upbringing he’s had so far.

    What’s in the man purse?: Gift certificate for a spa day from his mommy. Ritalin prescription. Artisanally crafted $200 wallet with no driver’s license (doesn’t drive). Macbook Pro, every Harry Potter DVD in existence.

    • Rest of Appearance: $200 faux-vintage Space Invaders t-shirt, faux-distressed military style jacket, carefully crafted bed head hair. Looks like he’s perpetually hung over(probably is).

      I’m at work and got interrupted, so I had to come back to filling that part out.

  8. Amos is that you? its been some time now that you have written the family. We are worried about your health and safety since you last told us the story of leaving for the big city. Understanding and showing a sense of demut will guide your way back to the Mennonite teachings and your Amish upbringing here in Indiana, Your home Amos.
    Father and Mother eagerly await hearing from you. Brother Joseph is finishing the barn as I write and could really use the company and guidance you once provided to us.

    I hope this note finds you with comfort and love,


    Sent from my iPad

    • Picture that going on city-wide, and you have a very good idea of why Portland, Oregon is going under. The same exact idiocy, with nothing but lies behind it, and anybody who dares point out that the Emperor doesn’t even have tattoos any more gets shouted down as being negative. (The city’s Sustainability Bureau spends more time making videos of what they’re planning to do than they spend actually working, and each and every one of them comes off as having been the hipster kids beaten up by the anime club every day after school.)

      • Sam Adams has hired former Oregonian right-wing nutball David Reinhard to lobby the legislature to provide funding for the Sustainability Center – a building to replace an *antiquated* 15-year-old building (the 1900 4th Avenue building) that costs twice as much as the next-most-expensive building in Portland.

    • To send a kid to FIO360, it costs $1,529 monthly for preschoolers and $1,708 for infants. Gwendolyn Ward (center) checks to make sure food is okay during the lunch.

      Wow. With a business model like that how could they possibly have failed?

      Pass the Mast Bros. Chocolate.

      • Wow. With a business model like that how could they possibly have failed?

        Pass the Mast Bros. Chocolate

        Damn that was a good laugh. Feels like I did 2000 sit ups.

  9. Rest of Appearance: Porkpie hat, bright red Buddy Holly looking glasses, 70′s style porn mustache, unrecognizable thing on chin (is that a beard or a shit stain?), $300 low V-neck shirt, huge bright orange scarf that doubles as a dress when feeling naughty, arm sleeve of tattoos that have conflicting meanings.

    Name: Chase

    Age: 38

    Occupation: Part time music blogger, part time compost and kombucha grower

    Hobbies: Making art with cans of PBR, using butt cheeks to create post modern murals on canvas, spreading the word of the Thompson Twins

    Lives now: In a self built treehouse on Knickerbocker Ave. in Bushwick. It helps keep the drug dealers out.

    Is actually from: Hell, Michigan (why do you think I left?)

    What’s in the man purse?: Cruelty free beef jerky, single serving cup of Lucky Charms, gluten free, Brooklyn based hummus flavored yogurt, spare pair of blue Converse sneakers worn so bad the soles are falling off.

  10. Rest of Appearance: Justin Timberlake Fedora, purple thrift ladies scarf, taco tattoo on left arm, Oscar the Grouch T-shirt.

    Name: Drew

    Age: 36

    Occupation: Full-time Artisan Dream Interpreter

    Hobbies: Growing and cultivating turnips in dumpsters, people watching in gowanus canal and food explorer

    Lives now: With colony of finger painting artists in old abandoned MTA electric powerhouse overlooking new proposed bike lanes on the BQE.

    Is actually from: Woodstock, Illinois

    What’s in the man purse?: Wirefly cell phone to call helicopter parents, finger paint, sketch book detailing all the “urban” sightings so that one day it will be published and read by fellow Illinoisians, security blanket.

  11. I won’t bother with a description. It was this guy.
    He even has his own church.

    “Unless you become as little Children, you can’t see God’s kingdom.” –Jesus
    “All you need is faith and trust… and a little bit of pixie dust!” –Peter Pan

    “Through the Cracks Ministries”. I sure feel safe leaving my kids with this guy.

  12. Rest of Appearance: power rangers tattoo, red pubic beard, Buddy Holly glasses, wool hat

    Name: Hummus

    Age: 43

    Occupation: Doesn’t have time to find a job right now.

    Hobbies: Blogging photos of graffiti made by real New Yorkers, Riding fixie through McCarren, Performing mime outside of Roberta’s, Bedford L station Ukelele soloist,

    Lives now: The Edge

    Is actually from: Des Moines, Iowa

    What’s in the man purse?: Star Wars action figures, play-doh, Rice Krispies Treats, MacBook, MacBook Charger, IPad, Ipad Charger, Ipod, Ipod charger, organic hummus, artisanal cupcakes, Spin Doctors Greatest Hits, Snark for Dummies, Bushwick rooftop honey

  13. I can’t remember who said it, but we had a visitor a little while back who was relating that the reason why so much indie rock sucked was because of the amount of money Mommy and Daddy were spending to make their little snowflakes into rock stars. Dude, thank you for the heads-up because here’s New York’s latest answer to Teen Hearts:

    Personally, I blame this all on Vanilla Ice, and his daddy paying to keep him exposed to the world. If I’d known back in 1987 that the dweeb hanging out at Emerald Street in North Dallas was going to be a role model to other talentless rich kids, I would have kicked his ass myself.

    • “They’re providing work for a drummer and a voice teacher and “a guy [who] sends email blasts to databases of hip music blogs,” not to mention their manager and booking agent. They’re helping support music gear companies. And by not taking those $400-a-week writing assignments, Harper is letting another writer make that money. And best of all, their decision to write about their enormous waste of money on the internet in the most casual and entitled way possible”

    • I just thought of a name for that band:


      Like yah, I’m famous.


      I like drinking mocha frappucchinos too. How ironic. Like yah!

    • Why did they have to spend so much money to come up with such bland, generic sounding music? The video was just stupid, with the requisite “authentic” subway and cramped apartment footage. And are those pimples or bedbug bites?

      It’s yet another boring band created according to the hipster algorithm. It’s so predictable.

    • like the great Bill Hicks once said ;” Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever…”

      these people make me ill

  14. at work sometimes (well a lot) i read the new york times and wall street journal while im eating lunch and they had some moonface article about how to cuff up your pants, and it is EXACTLY like that. 2 whole pages dedicated in the new york times to these people on how to cuff their pants exactly right. so of course, you wind up noticing it everywhere.

    then just today, the times had an article about “man buns” :-/ not mens asses btw that would have been fine, nope.. im talking about like men putting their hair in buns as a style. im like no this CANT be for real. so im getting my coffee this afternoon and i look around and what do i see as far as the eye can tell!?!? MAN BUNS. i felt like i was in the twilight zone.

    and whatever i KNOW fads happen and they always have, but there is something today that… well, someone says it and then people do it just because someone said it, and it’s in the FUCKING NEW YORK TIMES, so you KNOW it’s lame as fuck.


    • “We are all unique individuals. Now let me read the Times so I can plan my wardrobe for next week.”

    • oh daveinbedstuy beat me to it! damn, should have read all comments before posting


    • Calling them “man buns” is particularly dumb because it’s a “bun” whether or not it’s attached to a “man”. A “man cave” (so called) is not a cave at all, but a room used for the purposes of a man. “man boobs” are not “boobs” at all, but fatty areas on a man that resemble actual breasts on a woman. Hence the “man” qualifier becomes necessary. Call the shovel a shovel: the dude’s wearing his hair in a bun like a chick. Did anyone ever call them “man ponytails” or “man earrings”?

  15. Rest of Appearance: Sweat-soaked beanie, neck tattoo featuring something in Sanskrit. A “Your favorite band sucks” T shirt (which is at least true when he’s surrounded by all his friends)

    Name: Holden or Austin

    Age: 36

    Occupation: Theremin player in 14-piece rock band, part time shelf stocker at Anthropologie, urban rooftop garden seed wrangler

    Hobbies: Does smoking weed every day count?

    Lives now: Clinton Hill – with 6 roommates, no more than 4 of whom are full time baristas at any one time.

    Is actually from: Marysville Ohio

    What’s in the man purse?: Mace to ward of muggers in his “edgy” nabe


  17. Name: Havarti

    Rest of appearance: Wool scarf artfully tossed around their neck (in June, of course. only an unenlightened philistine would a scarf when it’s actually cold out), waxed mustache that he spent two hours trimming and curling, skin-tight jeans with tears and holes added by those delightfully ethnic child workers in the Philippines, quote from some Jack Kerouac novel he never actually read

    Age: 27

    Hobbies: Being seen in coffeeshops with his new ipad, being seen with his new iphone,

    Occupation: Writer (that erotic Harry Potter fanfiction is technically a story, after all)/professional vegan

    Actually from: Des Moines, Iowa

    What’s in the bag: Copy of The Walking Dead (not to read, but to be held up conspicuously), vintage mustache comb, cruelty-free recycled burritos from Whole Foods, 3 packs of American Spirits

  18. People. The socks no doubt conceal ironic calipers. It’s a trick. Clearly.

    • Save me.

      We just got a call from from a well known station overseas who want to interview local businesses in the Greenpoint/Williamsburg area on how “hip” the area has become. My boss is considering it.

      Shoot me now.

      • oof :-/ ive been meaning to ask, what industry are you in exactly!?


        • I would say, but it would very easily give away where I work as I don’t think there is another one in the area. I will go so far as to say it’s retail, however.

  19. Rest of Appearance: surplus Soviet Union Belt Buckle, Levi Shearling lined dungaree jacket, Stormy Kromer cap with the ear flaps down, Wispy wanna-be beard.
    Name: Matthias
    Age: 31
    Occupation: Usher at a rooftop urban theatre, full time foodie blogger specializing in Eastern Guatemalan Cuisine.
    Hobbies: random herb gardening around sidewalk trees, Vice President of the Brooklyn Ferret Owners Society.
    Lives now: In a $2800 per month studio along Smith Street…not by the restaurants, but by the Gowanus Canal.
    Is actually from: Mackinaw Island, Washington
    What’s in the man purse?: a never read or will be read copy of Baudelaire’s Fleur De Mal. Organic free trade wintergreen mints, metrocard in a protective jacket.

    • Don’t write “ferret” and hipster on the same page, it’s too much of an insult to those critters.

      Hipsters don’t have ferrets anyway, since they are illegal in NYC, they cannot be paraded around town like annoying dogs can. And ferrets are smart enough to bite hipsters.

  20. Why is everyone assuming this is a he?
    Rest of Appearance: dirty hair in long braids; ashen dull lifeless skin; mini skirt on top of the jeans. dingy lumpy sweater with holes in the elbows
    Name: Jenna
    Age: 29
    Occupation: recycled dog/cat/ferret hair knitwear artist; bedbug circus talent trainer
    Hobbies: avoiding sunshine, fresh air, soap, toothpaste
    Lives now: $2500 month studio share in Billyburg
    Is actually from: Madison, Wisconsin
    What’s in the man purse?: organic tampons; organic gruel; wide variety of electronic security blankets/pacifiers. What’s not in the man purse: soap, razors, anything remotely feminine.

  21. Rest of Appearance:sweaty funky grey hat knit made by Indigenous peoples, red bow tie, and flea market scored t-shirt that reads “Night Stalker”

    Name: Eigil

    Age: 30

    Occupation: professional i-phoneographer

    Hobbies: standing aimlessly on Bedford Ave., creepily people watching at organic grocery stores

    Lives now: in a 10ft by 15ft room/ loft share with Zak and Betsey

    Is actually from: Black Falls, WI

    What’s in the man purse? i-phone, mp3 vesrion of “How to Speak Hip” and a harmonica used to provide subway entertainment while pan handling for coins



    • LMAO I just posted the new video on CD, is that where you got it?

      • Got it from youtube, posted so it can get as many or more views than the “aspiring comedians” (fat, Jersey, transplant-jews)

    • that was good and made way more sense (and being from jersey i got more of the references than i did from the original one)


  23. Rest of Appearance: Roth era Van Halen concert t shirt, Swatch Watch, Hitler moustache, Dutch Boy haircut that he cuts himself, “More Money, More Problem$” tattoo.

    Name: Jackson

    Age: 32

    Occupation: Big Wheel Repair Shop Owner

    Hobbies: Making snow angels in dirt, Hopscotch League, Pogo Stick Marathon cheerleader

    Lives Now: Jersey City (“Brooklyn is so 2009″)

    Actually From: Farmdale, Ohio

    What’s in His Purse: Rape whistle, Buddy Holly glasses, iPad insurance claim form

  24. Gentlemen:

    Thought I’d share this article:

    I love this kind of thing because it’s what hipsters all wish they were, but will never be. These people have skills, help their city in real ways, are humble, and are actually French, not fake wanna-be French. I mean, they repaired a 19th c. clock? In the Pantheon? That is cool.

    How many Brooklyn-invaders can even read a clock?

    • That’s because in places like Europe and Asia (see my China post above) they value things like education. Learning a real skill is considered an investment in the future while pointless crap like “Gender Studies” is rightly considered a waste of time.

      Then, Americans wonder why they can’t get jobs and the rest of the world is passing them by in the express lane.

      • Exactly why I went into accounting. Because no matter what happens, people still have to pay taxes and companies still need someone to balance the books.

  25. Name: Issakale

    Age: 30

    Occupation: Temp meatpacker/ full time traveling street musician and ukelele enthusiast

    Hobbies: Drawing mustaches in fashion magazines at Latina beauty shops, recording and looping street sounds, trading foodstamps for locally sourced Whiskey

    Lives now: Treehouse outside 10-person traveler commune in New Jersey; periodically rides Penny Farthing to NYC to couchsurf off of wealthy Aunt

    Is actually from: Sacramento, CA

    What’s in the man purse?: Assortment of children’s noisemakers, found driftwood for treehouse decor, half-eaten Mast Bros chocolate bar, multiple Kant books with pretentious annotations, Sharpies in case art calls, Prepaid Visa from mom, black Barbie with handmade glasses, blunt wraps

  26. name:robear
    occupation:organic homoginized fat free no calorie seed salesman
    hobbies:watching grass grow,finger painting,kniting scarfs and hats,doing yoga in the buff,riding the l train
    lives now:in a $2300 shared apartment with a nice mexican family of 7
    is actually from:kneedeepinshitville ohio
    whats in the man purse:kazoo,bugeler tobaco,dads visa card,extra set of wheres waldo glasses,out dated condom,extra wool hat for the times its over 60 degrees,benwa balls..

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