Today’s hipster beating.
Posted: January 25, 2012 Filed under: Today's hipster beating. 33 Comments »Today as I was doing drive-by M-80 tossings into artisanal coffee shops full of safety pin-bodied gentrifiers who vapidly stare into their MacBooks I saw Colby ‘becoming one’ with Brooklyn while doing yoga on a Twister mat as his friend Jasper video taped him for his YouTube debut. So I slathered him in Alpo, wrapped him up with the floor mat like a doggy bag and locked him in the back of the U-Haul he arrived in from Ohio with a pack of starving pitbulls. End of story.
Beautiful – always appreciate a nice hipster beating to end the day. Colby as artisanal chew toy; now that’s art!
I assume the Alpo was organic and locally sourced.
have you ever noticed ‘artisanal’ contains the word ‘anal’?
hehehehehe
They probably got more out of the one can of Alpo than from the hipster.
there need to be more drive by M-80 tossings
Hahaha
Yo, my DH peoples…
What is up with the influx of butthurt hipster apologists coming on this site for? Somebody is MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
Today I saw Zachary taking photos of Latinos in bushwick to showcase for bushwickbk.com so I fucked him up. End of story.
Today as I was walking to work, I saw Zach the longboarding enthusiast who longboards because real skaters half his age make fun of him because he can’t ollie up a curb even at 34 and Zoey the quirky Etsy store sewer and knitter of cute little jackets for dogs that end up getting laughed at on Regretsy blogging in the local coffee shop about “Lamestreamers”. So, I took Zach’s brand spanking new Macbook and smacked it against both of their heads. End of story.
I’ve always wanted to do one of these. It’s my first time, so bear with me.
I forgot…spanking new parentally funded Macbook.
Haha.. you should do a Pittsburgh-themed one.
You guys don’t fucking get it huh? You cultureless heathens and parasites! I read Ernest Hemmingway novels in a Thom Browne sweater, APCs, and a vintage “Where’s the Beef” trucker hat I paid $59.99 for on Ebay! I’m better than all of you! All of you suck and yer all meanies! I’m from Nebraska motherfucker! I’ll get me an my six friends who all have the combined body mass of cookie dough to fuck you up…online on World of Warcraft! Now I’m gonna go listen to Arcade Fire, jerk off, and cry while I wait for my rich lawyer daddy to send me my monthly allowance check!
Hey don’t hate on World of Warcrack.
I got stuck playing that stupid game for 3 years because my ex (who is nowhere near a hipster) got me into it. However all my friends who used to play have either quit or moved on to the new fad: Star Wars: The Old Republic.
Yeah I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time playing WoW, too, and it’s mostly sexually frustrated computer programmer or enlisted types, not hipsters.
Okay something weird just happened. I was just at my local market, which is just like any other working class market. Pretty much every minority around my city is represented there, Italian, Greek, Polish, Macedonian, Vietnamese, Cambodian, Indian, Sri Lankan etc. Its mainly made up of fishmongers, butchers, Asian groceries stores, dollar shops etc. My family has been shopping here every week since I can remember.
So today as I’m walking across the fresh food area of the market I spot a new store. What is it? Its a freaking Organic food store, of course! I couldn’t believe it.
I looked inside and the first person I see is a pasty thin guy. He was wearing tight corduroy pants, a fedora, a cardigan and some kind of shawl or scarf around his neck, just the perfect attire for a blistering summer day! He was unshaven and had this stupid smug look on his face.
I looked around the store and it was filled with these people, they were just extremely pale and looked like they were in their late 20s or early 30s and seemed well off. The cashier was this guy who was dressed in a ‘edgy’ way, actually all his clothes were probably just designer clothes bought off the rack.
I was just so surprised since I haven’t ever seen these types any where esle in the market place, but there they were. They were just congregating in that one store and they weren’t interacting with anyone else. What to do guys think, is this the first sign of an invasion? I’m actually worried.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. Or start carrying a baseball bat.
It looks like the virus is slowly but surely making it’s way into your area. Be advised to lock your doors as blood thirsty and ravenous hipsters may try to pester you for a cigarette.
I give the advice I always give with hipster infestations, courtesy of Hunter S. Thompson: “Tear gas slaps at the problem. Nerve gas solves it.”
Wait, what city is this? I think I have a map of where they are all heading to and comments about more locations: http://therumpus.net/2011/05/post-grad-hipsters-guide-to-inhabitable-u-s-cities/
Oh. Dear. God.
I just read all of the comments on that little map and just wow. At one point, hipsters from “rival” hipster cities were sending passive-aggressive digs each other’s way.
I had no idea that hipsters were in Altoona too. What the fuck? Altoona?
Thats funny cause there’s absolutely nothing in Altoona.
The author of that article:
“Katie Gillett (pronounced like the razor) is a multimedia storyteller with roots in Orlando and pieces of her heart across the globe. In 2010 she quit her theme park photographer job to go on a cross-country road trip from Florida to California—via Canada—with: 6 of her best friends, an unregistered yellow Mustang, a Toyota Corolla named Tinkerbell, 2 walkie talkies, and the motto “No pants, no plans, no priorities”. The plan was to “find herself”…or something. She now finds herself living at home again. She enjoys rewriting pop lyrics to make them relevant to social justice issues and making socio-environmental documentary films.”
Theme-park photographer? That’s not a real job is it? A real job is something you give notice and quit; a make-believe one (what this sounds like), is something you just stop doing and disappear.
Living at home again? What a shocker. Wow that Liberal Arts education was really worth it wasn’t it?
From the description (summer, large Balkan/SE Asian immigrant community) I would guess Australia. Not a place I would once have associated with being hipster-friendly, but then we can’t say anywhere is safe these days.
It makes sense actually. The only people who are immune to the hipster disease are those who already have a distinct culture and an identity that they are a part of and embrace that. The majority of people in Australia are of English descent, and many of those people do not want to admit that or acknowledge it. They talk like they are as native to that country as the indigenous peoples they still oppress to this day are. Don’t be surprised to see South African hipsters or New Zealand hipsters either.
So, to follow your spongiform ‘argument’, you must be the proud owner of a ‘distinct culture’ (whatever that is) and therefore ‘immune’. Oh, and you must be some form of ‘native’. Or just a clueless encephalopod. *Tick*.
By the way, the majority of alleged origin-denying Australians are of European descent. And we have plenty of hipsters as dull-witted and ill-informed as you. Yay!
Well let’s see here… Using bigger words than necessary? Check.
Trying to make the other person’s argument seem ridiculous because you don’t want to accept reality? Check.
Saying exactly what I said and trying to make it seem as if you’re contradicting what I said? Check.
Trying way too hard to come across as everything you could never be? Check.
And you’re calling me a fucking hipster.
Well, Roger, let me tell you something. First of all, the majority of Australians are of European descent thanks to you doing what you did to the actual indigenous peoples of that country (native only means being born there, so it doesn’t make sense to say it as meaning a peoples who are indigenous to somewhere). Secondly, I in fact AM a part of a distinct culture (nobody can own it, you stupid fuck, and you know exactly what it is), and yes, I very clearly AM immune because I see right through every bit of your little hipster world. And yes, I AM some sort of native… native of my neighborhood, which you hipsters aren’t. Lastly, if anybody is dull-witted and uninformed, dear Roger, it’s you.
Oh, and you talk like a preteen girl. I’ll gladly cure you of that little affliction by throwing you through a fucking window, because I’m such a nice guy and I like helping people. You’re a bitch, Roger. You’re a little tiny bitch who I could make do whatever I want, and I can tell that just by all of the wittle things you have to do in order to come across as things you could newver ewver be.
What words aren’t too big for you? ‘Cat’? It’s hardly a stretch making your ‘argument’ seem ridiculous, AnonymousMiddleClasshole, since you’re doing such a good job with your own inarticulate, contradictory dribble. Your juvenile, pig-ignorant cant about foreigners (not non-whites, of course, you fucking coward) no doubt passes as tough-talkin’ socio-political critique with the other losers at the deep-fryer, but it doesn’t cut it. You seem to think your remedial ‘observations’ about colonialism are some kind of blinding insight, like it had never occurred to us great unwashed. Like when you’re getting all authentic in your ‘nabe’ (mommy and daddy’s mock-Tudor in Whitetown), thoughts of your own history of genocide and slavery simply don’t trouble the single brain cell stuck to the inside of your neolithic skull. I bet your only contact with ‘culture’, other than masturbating to Creed, is the yoghurt you smear on your fundament to ease the pain of ingress. You are, in the Australian vernacular, a ‘dill’, a ‘dropkick’, or more bluntly, a ‘dumb cunt’. When you’ve saved up enough cash from fluffing, why not pop on down here for the glassing you so richly deserve? Meanwhile I’ll let my ‘indigenous’ bretheren know they can breathe easy now that some zit-encrusted trust-fund pipsqueak cunt who couldn’t even point out Australia on a world map is ‘telling it like it is’.
Well, that was quite pathetic, Roger. I’m disappointed.. you used even more words than the first comment to say even less.
I’ll just say.. stop being a little bitch just because you can’t handle the truth. The rest of the world lives in reality. You should join us sometime.
That may explain why so many hipsters are white, and why I keep seeing so many white folks join Falun Gong. They lost their own cultural roots, drowned out by suburban living.
“If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything”.
-http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Who_wrote_this_quote_’If_you_don’t_stand_for_something_you’ll_fall_for_anything’
HAHAHA Chicago not listed! Might have something to do with the whole “100,000 gang members” thing?? (http://abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=news/iteam&id=7981123)
Not a fan of disgusting tattooed bangers, but is it possible that disgusting tattooed hipsters are even worse???
Hipsters vs Hasids in Crown Heights:
http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/brooklyn/crown-heights-jews-fashionable-hipster-neighbors-article-1.1011974
They actually had the gall to call the hipsters “fashionable” when one chick said she wears sweats under shorts. Because yah, that’s fashionable!