77 thoughts on “Brooklyn & Not Brooklyn

  1. “Salumeria”…I can feel my arteries hardening just thinking about it.

    Some nasally soda straw Ethan was on the walking path today at the park…walking in the opposite direction as everyone else just to get attention. It’s the middle of winter and he’s wearing sandals, skinny jeans and one of those disgusting v-neck T-shirts.

    He goes to pet my dog (a 90 lb. black lab) and he damn near got his fingers bit off.

    “Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to touch someone else’s dog?”

    • That was hiliarious..LOVE IT!1

      • I feel sorry for your lab… he must’ve been traumatized.
        Crap, my 3-year-old knows to first ASK the dog’s owner before approaching a dog… what is it with some people?
        And labs are usually the cutest, friendliest creatures there are… seems like yours already knew what an asshole the guy must be.

    • Sensible dog. Give him a pat from me.

    • Guys, I have no fucking words for this one.

      http://www.victorychickenco.com

      Apparently now you can start your own “urban chicken movement” with chickens and a coop provided by NYC. Anyone want to take a guess where this company is located? Anyone? Bueller?

      • We don’t have this in Dallas yet (we’re too busy fussing about how Portland has more bike lanes than Dallas and Fort Worth combined), but I figure it’s just a matter of time. The city spent an inordinate amount of time trying to crack down on urban chickenkeeping when it was going on in the poor sections of town, where people were doing it because it wasn’t an option. Pushing $1200 moveable coops with built-in Webcams for upperclass suburban dorks, though, is perfectly okay.

        • Urban chickens in a poor area full of (mostly Mexican) immigrants?

          -City fines owners for code violations, police are called if said immigrant blinks the wrong way. Coop and chickens destroyed within 36 hours, cleaned up, and carted to the dump, as city demanded (non compliance equals triple fines).

          -Immigrant is sad to lose his chickens and all the hard work that went into them. The fines took much needed money from his families tiny food budget, which had been supplemented by trading extra eggs with neighbors that had gardens.

          2 years later….

          Urban chickens in the same, formerly poor, neighborhood, owned* by Megan and Irwin?

          -City created zoning specifically to promote and allow these chickens (written by Megans lawyer father), sponsored a class on urban chicken keeping, and now call their city “pioneers” in urban homesteading.

          -You see, Megan had gathered a group of canklesaurs to go to the statehouse dressed in farmer clothes (half of their daily get up), holding chickens with signs reading “urban chickens for all!!” Her powerful lawyer father ensures that her neighborhood gets a variance, so she can keep her chickens. After all, he didn’t pay 10 million for a 1 bedroom in Bushwick to be treated like a poor local!

          -Meanwhile, Irwins mommy brings organic food and feeds the chickens, as Irwin cannot be bothered to actually go out, buy feed, and carry it home- “but, its soooo heavy!” Instead, he sits indoors, playing with his $3,000 iBook, making indie sounds for the chickens to listen too.

          -He occasionally puts his wooly hat and scarf on over his V neck flannel print shirt, so he can go outside on a hot summer day to play chase with the chickens, all while dodging his neighbors. The nerve of those neighbors! They think the yard is theirs, but they are unenlightened and don’t appreciate the chickens.

          -The duo works very hard! They make a video every day for their You Tube and Vimeo channels “2 Brooklyn, 2 urban, 2 Cool Chickens”, they tweet about the chickens day, and work on their urban homesteading/urban pioneer/ organic chicken/ super foods/ astrology blog, in hopes of being written about in the local ‘pape!

          • * = “owners”. Megan and Irwin don’t like to think of themselves as owning the chickens, as they are sentient creatures too. They consider themselves to be friends, maybe even family, instead.

          • Chicken parents. Excuse me – gotta throw up now…

    • Someone should put that Bari logo on a sweatshirt. For two years I lived a few blocks from there on 67th bewteen 18th and 19th.

      Trunzio bros was excellent but I think they cashed out and went to Staten Island.

  2. I’d like to hang the owners of “The Meat Hook” on an actual meat hook.

  3. Notice in NOT BROOKLYN how the meat case is almost trying to be shown as an art project, the word “Brooklyn” must be thrown in to ensure it’s hipster clientele will make visits and of course – hipster must extend his arm into the photo to show the blogosphere his deep meaningful quirky tattoo. MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Looks like someone went for their PhD in meat-arrangement.

    • LOL? More of these superficial “die hipster” concerns? I love how you post these childish “cultural desecrations” as if kissing a frog can turn it into a prince. LOL. Sorry. You still lose. Your attempts at meager authenticity is no different from a quintessential Republican white calling himself or herself a “real American.”

      Yes. You are pathetic bitching about these things as if they make you special. They do not. :)

      • Wow, you really are just not very good at what you do. You know somebody’s got nothing to say when all they do is try to project onto others.

        What’s the matter, Regnum.. lost your thesaurus and handy-dandy book of hipster comebacks to use on us dumb meatheat non-hipsters?

      • You and your ilk are pathetic in thinking that wearing clothes from a thrift store. sipping overpriced coffee, and riding things from the past make you special. They do not. :-D

        • as opposed to: wearing clothes from the mall, drinking folgers, and “riding things” from the present?

          neither version sounds like a claim to special status. they are just descriptions of cultural difference.

          live and let live?

    • You totally hit the nail on the head….that “deep, quirky and meaningful” tattoo is the symbol for the state of Pennsylvania. Go figure!

      • Don’t rub it in. Bastard’s making the state look bad. He’s probably from the Pennsyltucky part.

        • PA Pride! I’m from the keystone…that motherfucker in the bullshit butcher picture is making us look bad.

          • Pittsburgh, I remember. It’s nice to see our two rival cities can agree on something for once. Honestly, who the fuck gets a Keystone tattoo? The only two things I think of when I see the Keystone are the government and the lottery.

      • Where’s a disgruntled Amish farmer with a scythe when you need one?

        “I did not see him, English…he looked just like a stalk of wheat.”

  4. I’m always amazed that the guy in my neighborhood who’s been making sausage for 30 plus years never felt the need to call himself an artisan. Yet every one of these assholes who does anything with food is instantly an artisan. Dicks.

    • That’s because people who actually make a quality product don’t know how to make it any other way than the right way.. or won’t ever settle for anything less than their absolute best.

      Something hipsters know nothing about. There’s a reason the highest quality food comes from cultures that mostly came over as poor immigrants. Yet some nasalfuck from whereverthefuckville thinks he or she invented doing things in a way that people have been doing for centuries.. a way that your borough of Brooklyn is known nationally for and has been for god even knows how long.

      • beautifully said.

      • This is a very good point – the guy that takes pride in doing things the right way from the start has no real interest or need for hipster cliches to describe his service or product – the quality speaks for itself.

  5. BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLYN BASED
    BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLYN BASED
    BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLYN BASED
    BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLYN BASED
    BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLYN BASED
    BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLYN BASED
    BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLYN BASED

    Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Yah!

  6. Hahahaha. This website is a joke. A bunch of juvenile Brooklyn meat heads complaining about “hipster” meat stores? How shocking for community college graduates who claim to have “real” problems.

    • Warning! The End Times are here!

      Stevie’s army of sock puppets has begun the attack. It’s all part of the pran. It’s a very precise pran and he’s been working on it for over 10 years now. Stevie, along with Trey Parasucko, Keen Koala, i might be the person you hate, Hollander and Regnum, among an army of thousands of others are going to take over the Internet.

      First, they will attack where it hurts most, your fashion sense. Then they will keep reminding you you have no life because you don’t have a frumpy, 47yo, teenage, unshaven Meaghan or Zoey for arm-candy or that your glasses are not big enough and because you are not coor enough for Birryburg.

      All Horrywood will support him. Then he will rerease the bomb. The whole world will revert to savagery and eat each other. They will have no-one to turn to except Stevie who will force the survivors to dress like gay Asian vampires while they cry out for their lost coolness. The whole world will turn hipster and there’s nothing you can do about it.

      Congraturations Die Hipster. You have Stopped Nothing!

      • I get the feeling some of these newcomers are the douches from Barnes & Noble who were overheard complaining about this site. Timing is about right.

        • Haha for real? Glad to see diehipster is getting to them outside of just the internet.

      • You forgot to mention the other part of his plan: Writing his own definition of ‘hipster’ in the urban dictionary and voting for it a couple thousand times and thus that slow-motion train wreck of a man becomes the defining god of hipsterdom.

        • They fucking love urbandictionary, don’t they? Ever notice how like 2/3 of the definitions on that site are for internet nerd terms? Very urban.

    • Hello again, Regnum.

      Seems you hipsters love to keep changing your name every time you get your ass handed to you on this site. It might not be so obvious if you didn’t use the exact same insults as before and reference things we said to you.

      Have a nice day now, fuckwad.

      • Yawn, are these idiots still recycling the same overused, tired ass attempt at insults despite how many times we have proved them wrong?

        Move along, nothing remotely intelligent to see there.

    • Well, let’s just call him Stevie-Sybil ! So what happened? Did all his sockpuppets get tired of talking together on diediehipster so that even Stevie realized what a bore he really is? Or could it be that he’s just off his meds?

    • i think your asshole would be shocked if you only knew the wide range of demographics that read and AGREE with pretty much everything written on this site.

      also no one here is trying to push their belief systems onto anyone else.. something you and your ilk would be wise to learn.

      *rob*

      • point being… i have never in my life seen a group of people so closed-minded, unaccepting of other peoples’ cultures and beliefs, and insecure in their own lifestyle choices. spare me cuz i know youre just going to come back and say everyone else is doing the same thing to you. spare me the persecution complex, many different peoples and cultures and groups have been persecuted on this planet, but none so vapid and culture-less as yourselves.

        *rob*

  7. Once again lets check Yelp for some comments on the Brooklyn Kitchen:

    “This place is super cute! I have no idea how to cook or bake or what half of the items in here are but it makes me want to know!

    “We ventured out to Brooklyn for the sourdough bread class with Nathan Leamy. I hadn’t read the class description too closely and thus assumed that we would each be baking some bread during the class but it turns out that it was more of a demo style class where Nathan did most of the bread making as he walked us through the art of sourdough. Even though I was initially a little disappointed about not being able to get my hands dirty, I think the class format actually worked out really well. ”

    “This review is specifically about the “Pickling Class” taught by Bob McClure of McClure’s PIckles, which I went to with my boyfriend for his birthday. I figured since one of the very successful McClure brothers was teaching it that it would be a full-on informative class on how to pickle with types of pickles, with pickle tasting and sampling.”


    Need gourmet salt? They got it.
    Need a KitchenAid stand mixer in sea foam green? Check.
    Need kitchen knives and garlic roasters and wine keys shaped like a mustache? No question.”

    Not begging for mercy yet? I’ll continue:

    “The Brooklyn Kitchen is absolutely magical. If you love to cook, and constantly fantasize about building your kitchen arsenal, this is the store for you. They have somehow delved into my subconscious and also stocked their shelves with everything I never new I needed, but now plan on buying.

    I need to somehow win a shopping spree here, a la “Nickelodeon’s Super Toy Run”.”

    “In addition to the Lab aspect, the store itself is stocked with all sorts of food and drink related items. Anything you might need to cook with (utensils, ingredients, knives, cookbooks), and some odds and ends I haven’t seen in many other places. Like:

    1. Egg pants. Self-explanatory.

    2. Marmite, a disgusting brown substance that I am only aware of because I have friends in London.

    3. Spicy beans! In case you didn’t know, the dearth of spicy beans is one of the main reasons Bloody Marys in this city will never be great.

    4. A huge metal scale that you stand on, and it weighs you. I guess that doesn’t seem that special when I write it down. It’s much cooler than it sounds, and you’ll just have to take my word for it until you go check out the Brooklyn Kitchen Labs.”

    “This store totally embodies to me what Brooklyn is all about. Its mom and pop, hip and friendly. Its a smallish store with eclectic kitchen wares (both vintage and new) and the staff seems incredibly friendly. When I came in a class was being held on butchering and as soon as I walked in they made sure to warn me not to look if I was sensitive to that which was very kind. I have yet to take a class there but they offer several one time classes a month that look to mostly be under $50 which is awesome.”

    I could do this all day but I’m sure you guys have seen enough

    • The last one was just hilarious. I only needing to read the first two lines. Just wow.

      • Needed.. fuck, I’m turning into one of them now.. can’t even speak coherently anymore!

        • Just go to yelp, pick any store in Williamsburg and the poetry just flows! One cloying, self-serving, pretentious line after anther. They are all little Pulitzer Prize winners in their own mind so their chance to prove it is Yelp.
          Here is one for Artists and Fleas Market:
          “The vintage clothing offerings are better than average. Saw a sheepskin coat that I liked and wanted to try it on. The seller said that it was $248 (!), which seemed unreasonable, as it was originally made for Ohrbachs, which was not a higher-end store. He offered the advice that I was small enough to fit into it as a reason to love it, My body may be small, but my brain isn’t – not paying that much money just because a coat fits! If it had been half the price, I would have paid, but will no doubt find something similar at No Relation if I just keep checking. Most of the other vintage clothing items were much more reasonably priced.

          Booths are packed tightly so don’t travel with packages. Also has two bathrooms and a communal sink. ”
          or this one. Please don’t read if you have a week stomach:

          “It’s a mix up of really awesome unique stuff (adorable hand painted jewelry) and stuff that used to be unique, but is now par for the course in Williamsburg (brass bunny head necklaces).”

          If you type in the word “Vintage” in your browser search it shows up 30x on the first page alone. Got try it out. Go to Yelp, search Willaimsburg and play the game yourself. DH, I hope you will consider Williamsburg Yelp reviews as a regular feature. Come on read that last line again:

          “It’s a mix up of really awesome unique stuff (adorable hand painted jewelry) and stuff that used to be unique, but is now par for the course in Williamsburg (brass bunny head necklaces)”.

          • Speaking of Yelp reviews…..

            I went in and typed the word “vintage” in Brooklyn, NY. Apparently there’s a dude in Gerritsen Beach that seems to be making bank off these hipsters by selling vintage bikes. They are all raving and drooling over him. So not only does he get them to go way out there (which even for South Brooklyn is in the ass end out there, next to maybe Mill Basin or Sea Gate) but it looks like he is making at least $200 a pop off these guys. Well played, dude. Oh and to idiots at Yelp….it’s spelled Gerritsen not Gerritson!

            http://www.yelp.com/biz/brooklyn-vintage-bicycles-brooklyn

    • OVER-STYLISED WRITING!!!!! I can feel a heart attack coming on trying to read all those cutesy, overly tactile descriptions. “Ventured… thus… I’ll continue… dearth…”

    • quote:
      They have somehow delved into my subconscious and also stocked their shelves with everything I never new I needed, but now plan on buying.

      heh.

      maybe they are geniuses after all? (the people slinging the shit, obviously not the people like the person in the quote who gobbles up all this shit). just wow.

      *rob*

    • quote:
      I need to somehow win a shopping spree here, a la “Nickelodeon’s Super Toy Run”.”

      well if THAT doesn’t just scream, I grew up on sunny D and fruit roll ups, i dont know what does!

      *rob*

    • Anytime somebody says a place is “super-cute”, it just lets me know not to go there.

    • hihi, since one of those morons mentioned sourdough bread i just had to share this gem with you (normally i just hang around and read the posts and comments but now i felt i was time to post):

      in stockholm there’s actually a sourdough hotel. you wonder what that is? well, it’s a hotel where you can leave your sourdough when you’re out of town. kinda like a cat hotel, just for sourdough. i’m not kidding:
      http://www.thelocal.se/36414/20110928/

      here’s also a picture of the genius who owns the place (of course it’s called “urban deli”): http://www.metro.se/nyheter/sveriges-forsta-hotell-for-surdegar/EVHkdC!dtFjeZXFaJGro/

      in the first paragraph of the article they seriously write: “are you considering not going on a trip abroad because you don’t know what to do with your sourdough? calm down, you neither have to let it die in your fridge nor put its fate into an unknowledgable friend’s hands”. hahaha!

      you were right of course if you assumed that the hotel lies in the hipster mekka of stockholm :)

    • Did that nigga just say “gourmet salt?”

  8. ““This store totally embodies to me what Brooklyn is all about. Its mom and pop, hip and friendly. ”

    For Christ’s sake.

    • my favorite is:
      ” Like:1. Egg pants. Self-explanatory.” (I didn’t add the “Like” it’s a direct quite)
      ?? really, will someone please explain to me what egg pants are? Is it pants so tight it looks like you have eggs in them?
      I am baffled

      • Like the guy said, it’s self-explanatory.
        It’s the typical smell of a pasty ironic artisan’s skinny jeans, before he heads back to Ohio over Christmas to have mom wash them.
        Like yah, must we explain everything to you locals?

      • Okay, I had to look it up. Apparently they’re little pvc “pants” that you put on your cooked eggs. Here’s a description: “Egg pants! These PVC egg cups were all the rage on the food and design blogs a little while ago, but they were just a prototype. Now they’re in production and for sale at Lizkin Design. Stubby-legged, slightly stretchy, and perfect for that morning egg and toast. Is it too early to be thinking about stocking stuffers? $20 for a set of two.” Must they put whimsical clothes on everything?
        Twenty-fucking-dollars for chrissake.

        • Are you fucking serious?

          In before “See, this shows just how creative and whimsical we are! We even know how to make eggs fashionable!”

          *needs the face palm icon from CD*

        • Egg pants. Give me a fucking break!
          Yet another pitiful attempt by hopelessly mediocre suburban rubes to elevate themselves in their own minds to olympic levels of “coolness” through mindless consumption.

          Of course it’s not like egg cups haven’t existed since time immemorial for the cost of a dollar or two. Oh, no! In the status-mongering, vapid, intellectually bankrupt, uh…culture (?)…of hipsterdom, It must re-labled and priced to the stratosphere to be considered “kewel” enough for them to purchase. There is indeed a sucker born every minute.

          I think it’s only a matter of time before some hipster clown announces his invention of the artisianal wheel- for the use of the “kewel” people to show off their elite status. All brought to you by the people who put the ‘anal’ in ‘artisanal’.

        • Cankles for eggs.

  9. Doesn’t get much more real Brooklyn than 18 Ave. I love that stretch by the train station – great florist right on the corner, and J & V – miss the OTB though.

    Just a reminder to Quaid, Harrison the BMX blogger, Ironic Ethan, Zooey, Molly, Josh, Parker, Hummus, Caleb, Megan, Piper, and Hayden; this part of Brooklyn is not for you – it is below the Hipster Line, and you are not welcome.

    • My lunch today is actually a chicken JoJo straight from J&V. And fair warning, I have caught hipsters in there a few times as well as by Villabate.

      Time to load the B.B. gun since I have seen hipsters reviewing some of the places in my precious Bensonhurst.

      • Bet that chicken JoJo was damn good!

        Yeah, couple of months ago I was sharing a pie over at Europa and watching some football with a buddy of mine over on the casual side. So we finish, and when we get outside I look into the restaurant and see a couple of guys sitting there with their wine, etc. One of them was a plaid shirted twizzler with Buddy Holly glasses and wool cap; fucking broke my heart. I really wish they’d all head back home, but while they are here on staycation, I really wish they’d confine their urban exploration to Williamsburg, Bushwick, and Greenpoint (though I feel sick for the normal people these Peter Pan fucks are gentrifying out of their homes while Caleb makes Spin Doctors action figures out of organic clay). I guess they saw the 7-11 and assumed the block was a safe haven for Ohio trustafarians.

        • A few weeks ago we went to Peggy’s Burger Joint (which sucks, btw) on New Utrecht. We walk out and there’s 2 hipsters sitting on the bench in front of the place. Apparently a few have been there also and reviewed it on Yelp. I actually said out loud to my friends as we stood outside “What the fuck are hipsters doing this far into Brooklyn?” to which my friend replied “They probably got lost trying to find Coney Island”. They didn’t even look up. I presume as usual they didn’t think we were talking about them.

  10. Hipsters loathe simplicity in form and function. Your simple post of just two pictures captures precisely why snipers should be used to control the hipster population. Good day.

  11. ““This store totally embodies to me what Brooklyn is all about. Its mom and pop, hip and friendly. ”

    Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit

  12. Does that filthy gentrifying piece of shit in the bottom picture seriously have a tattoo of the outline of a practice pad? Really?

    Wow. Congratulations hipster. You’re a drummer. And you got a really edgy “prison” tattoo that shows both your creativity and originality, but of course not in an actual prison.

    Let me guess, his name is Hummus?

    • He soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo urban

    • Seriously, what the fuck is up with the fake prison tattoos? I hope they accidentally get one that’s affiliated with the rival gang of some stranger and they get shanked for it.

  13. He felt the meats display wasn’t complete without his LOOK AT MEEEE MOMMY tattoo in the picture…WTF? That tells me the foods are sub-par because obviously it’s more about the douchey posing with “edgy” tattoos than about selling quality product. How typical of them.

  14. What is fucking wrong with take your ass to a fucking super market and get some eggs and some chicken legs? God these people fucking make me sick.

  15. I am still upset they changed their recipe for the mini rice balls. They should have left te prosciutto in it

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