Today, as I was pushing hipsters down the Bedford Avenue L train steps for looking like Olive Oyl with a beard, Fedora hat and lumberjack shirt I noticed Elijah and Toby selling organic wheat grass and bean sprout smoothies that they make by spinning them on vintage 1970’s turntables for only $9.50. So I put earth-friendly Whole Foods shopping bags over their heads and beat those vapid, Brooklyn ruining, staycationing, talentless, effeminate, nasally, gentrifying, sustainable asshole hipster pieces of shit with my good old stick ball bat until all that was left in my hand was a toothpick. End of story.