This week’s i-Stole Report.

Here is this week’s North Brooklyn i-Stole report taken from The Brooklyn Paper. You ain’t in Wiscossota any more Joshy.

A thug mugged a Josh on Manhattan Avenue on Dec. 18. The Josh said he was near Greenpoint Avenue at around 3 am when the perp confronted him, demanding his money, credit cards, and coat. The Josh complied, but the punk punched him anyway before fleeing.


A thief stole two laptops from a Megan’s car that was parked on Berry Street on Dec. 29.

The Megan parked her car near N. 12th Street at around 6:30 pm, and returned the next morning to find that her vehicle’s rear window had been shattered and that her laptops had been nabbed.


A crook stole a Zoey’s iPhone on Union Avenue on Dec. 23.

The Zoey was talking on her phone near Metropolitan Avenue at around 4 pm, when the perp snagged the phone from her hand and fled.


A hungry burglar broke into a S. Sixth Street nouveau barbecue joint on Dec. 24, where he cracked a safe and stole $880.

The Harrison locked up his restaurant at 6 am, but when he returned a few hours later, he saw the safe was open and his cash was gone


A thief stole a bag, iPod, camera, and keys from a car parked on Meserole Street on Dec. 21.

The Ethan left his vehicle near Manhattan Avenue at 12:45 pm. He returned at 2 pm, but it was already too late: his driver’s side window had been smashed and his stuff was already missing.


A thief stole two guitars from a car parked on S. Fifth Street.

The Caleb parked near Kent Avenue at 9 pm on Dec. 17 and didn’t return for more than 24 hours — giving the thief plenty of time to break the driver’s side window and take the music makers.


A thief stole an iPhone from a Molly on Union Avenue on Dec. 23.

The victim was nearing Metropolitan Avenue at 4 pm when the perp grabbed the phone out of her hand and ran away.


56 thoughts on “This week’s i-Stole Report.

  1. Who the hell leaves that stuff in their car in plain view? I get nervous if I leave my purse in my trunk, and I don’t live in a bigass city. Every now and then I’ll leave something important in the car, but I at least try to stuff it under the seat or leave my car towel (don’t leave home with out one) folded around it, on the floor, so it doesn’t scream, “I’M HIDING SOMETHING EXPENSIVE LOOK HERE.” But I’m also in a smaller/medium town, if I lived in a big one I wouldn’t even do that. I’d count on someone wanting to steal my towel.

    I don’t think anyone *deserves* to be stolen from, but if you leave $1500 worth of equipment in a car in NYC, overnight, in plain view, consider it your idiot tax.

    (BTW, the last item, Zoey, is a repeat of an earlier one.)

    • A friend of mine who lives in Connecticut once drove down to Fordham Road in the Bronx to do some shopping. She put everything in the car, went around the corner for one last item, and came back to find the windows broken and the car empty. This was in broad daylight on a crowded street. I’m talking about 10 shopping bags at least.

      Of course it happened around 1991 during the crack epidemic but still… Taught me an important lesson not to leave stuff like that in the car. Even in today’s cosmopolitan Billyworld I wouldn’t do something that stupid.

    • This. A thousand times this. If it’s visible, then it’s gone. If you HAVE to store it in the car, put it in the trunk.

  2. Hehe, I love how they leave their laptops in the back seat….do they keep their Ohio license plates on their cars, too? Lemme guess, she has a “Mean People Suck” bumper sticker….

  3. If i saw Zoey’s iPhone get jacked, does that make me an iWitness?

  4. it’s also mind boggling how many of them will leave their laptops, phones, etc out in coffee shops and then go to the bathroom, go buy another coffee (lol not really that one), go out to smoke, etc etc etc. i see this happen ALL the time. the one of many starbucks near my job in soho has at least a few reports of something being stolen everyday. and sure enough it’s ALWAYS someone who left their shit unattended. how stupid can you be? i wouldnt even be shocked if these people are stealing from each other as well. i mean why the hells not? and yeah, file a police report, but sorry youre not going to get your stuff back and cops have more important shit to deal with anyway.

    i wasnt very hungry on my lunch hour the other day so i decided to go into starbucks and borrow the newspaper from the office and sit and read and have a coffee… ugh. it’s basically IMPOSSIBLE with the entire place packed to the gills with people “working from home” on their laptops (i.e. updating their faceprofiles really). the whole place just looks like a computer lab, not a single person actually talking to each other, hardly anyone with actual coffee purchased from the place, and not a single seat EVER available. i really wanted to just go up to any number of them and put my coffee down on the table and be like, look you dont have anything you purchased her and i do, so get the fuck out and let me have this seat and table.

    it might not be so bad in other places, but i work in soho and KNOW it’s a crowded clusterfuck, but let some people who actually BOUGHT shit get a table. i cant tell you how many times european tourists and shit would go into that store (having BOUGHT stuff) only to not be able to find any seating because mollly mcwonderbread has all her iProducts all over a giant table that should seat six. GRRRRRR.

    sorry for the rant


  5. I thought that a lot of NYC coffeeshops were “pulling the plug” on wi-fi moochers (also blocking off power outlets or not letting them use the wi-fi during peak hours such as lunchtime.

    I guess not in SoHo

  6. Pretty funny. No joke though, I saw some non hipster get his iphone stole in Flushing. Right out of his hand. You gotta be careful, hipster or not.

  7. Got to vouch for DH here. He is reporting the Brooklyn Paper crime reports verbatim and just substituting a hipster name to protect the guilty.He is probably about 97% right on the names but these assholes just seem to leave their 5 digit priced iCrap in their cars overnight and just expect it to be there in the morning, Are their arms so feeble they can’t carry their shit into the coffee house?

  8. While trying to get a review for a restaurant in my neighborhood, I stumbled upon a funny game that also validated what I and others on here believe.

    Some Meghan wrote a bitchy review of the place on yelp because they wouldn’t deliver to her place. Her Nathan wrote the same obnoxious review the same night. (Their last names started with the same letter and they had the same exact idiotic, “the world should move for me” review).

    Anyway, Meghan annoyed me so, like picking at a scab, I had to see what other turds of wisdom this precious snowflake dropped on the world. Here is where it gets interesting. Almost all of of her reviews are from her “hood” (she used the word) of Ridgewood/Bushwick. But on Christmas eve she went to an iStore in Arizona. Since apparently this idiot has to run to yelp anytime she goes outside, I could figure out that this native Brooklynite spent the Christmas holidays in Arizona with mommy and daddy.

    I then browsed other people’s profiles in my “nabe”, and sure enough, every time the picture looked like the kind of transplanted artist/barista/assistant I scowl at on the Subway, he or she spent Christmas in Michigan, Ohio, Nebraska, and on and on.

    I recommend yelp to others on here in case you ever think to yourself that maybe you’re being too hard on these idiots. First of all, every pizzeria and chinese place that you’ve been going to since you were a kid will be reviewed as dirty, smelly, greasy, and God forbid, “not very vegan friendly,” while every hipster oriented overpriced shitbox will be kewl, hip and “more of what we could use in this neighborhood.” Second and more importantly, Josh’s review of “Pat’s Irish Times” in McMansionville, Michigan on December 26th proves that every last thing we say about them is true.

    TLDR; God I hate them all

    • I remember reading yelp on the Masturbation Bros Butt Chocolate Fantasy Land a while back. All the reviews fell into one of 2 categories:

      1. Normal people, non-hipsters, not on coke, who said the “chocolate” tasted like cardboard and couldn’t figure out why any normal human being would shop there.

      2. Hipsters on coke who thought the whole thing was like a trip to Disneyland on acid. Also Eurotrash who came all the way from Spain or Germany to Billyworld for the unique experience and were not disappointed.

      Speaking of which, they have a factory now. Listen to the melodious voice of the Brooklyn Independent Television lady tell it with panache.

      • “at the end of the day we’re just making affordable $7.00 chocolate bars”

        • Funny how when they first opened, chocolate bars were $10 – $12.

          Then they went down to $8.

          Now they’re $7.

          WTF? Is reality biting the Masturbation Bros?

          • Yeah they were so smug with that douchebag $10-$12 price tag. Those dried out handmade artisinal beard haired chocolate bars will be affordable where they’re $1.00.

    • quote:
      “more of what we could use in this neighborhood.”

      i HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE when that is said. it’s like NO, it’s not what more of WE ALL can use in the neighborhood, it’s just more of what you and your 3 bedbug bitten cankle queen roommates can use.


  9. Oh Sweet Jesus! I couldn’t even make it to the end of this. Any volunteers?

    • From 00:57 to 1:30 I count him saying/mentioning/inserting Brooklyn 7 times.

      Gotta get your Cool/Brooklyn points up.

      What a joke, give me QUeens or the Bronx any day.

    • You can’t make this shit up. Especially the Salted Crack Caramel.

      Every story starts somewhere. Ours started in a little place called Brooklyn.

      In the city of New York, across the East River, far from the hustling, bustling streets of Manhattan sits an enchanted borough known as Brooklyn. It was here, in this magical place, among the same streets that inspired the poetry of Walt Whitman, that Ample Hills Creamery was born.

      It started when Brian Smith decided to take a break from writing science fiction movies and turned his imagination towards making the most delicious, most fun ice cream around. Using only the freshest local, hormone-free ingredients, Ample Hills was first sold out of a cart at summer concerts in Prospect Park. It didn’t take long before concertgoers were lining up, eager to try flavors like Maple Bacon, Stout ‘n’ Pretzels, and Salted Crack Caramel. Leaving with a taste they could not forget, it was clear to all who tried it that this ice cream was as magical as the place that inspired it.

      Today, you can find Brian and his family scooping 24 fun, delicious flavors at their full time shop in Prospect Heights, just a short walk from the park where it all began. Stop by for a cup or cone, and see what the magic of Brooklyn really tastes like

      • quote:
        In the city of New York, across the East River, far from the hustling, bustling streets of Manhattan sits an enchanted borough known as Brooklyn.

        fucking BARF! so the three million people who inhabit this distant faraway secret land never existed?!?! well than you very much Christopher Canklebus!


      • quote:
        It started when Brian Smith decided to take a break from writing science fiction movies and turned his imagination towards making the most delicious, most fun ice cream around.

        translation: Brian realized his writing sucked and was forced into his true calling in life. scooping ice cream. yet he’s so insecure about the fact that his lot in life was destined to be an ice cream scooper that he has to describe his job title with 50,000 buzz words.


        • Yes. You are correct in your translation. His writing sucked, and he wasn’t a good enough cocksucker to get a real movie deal, so his daddy bought him a factory instead. Magical secret place inhabited by Elves who live under toadstools far from the madding crowd. Fucking derivative hack asshole writer. Whoever wrote that shit should be lynched.

        • “Take a break from” really means “couldn’t find anybody dumb enough to buy his scripts for”. If you think hipsters are bad about claiming “I work in media,” you should see science fiction fans. Even the most pathetic and pointless Cat Piss Man is just a couple of days away from getting a script consultant position on some top-secret SyFy program that should be out in two or three years. Amazingly, they never have any scripts to show you, their contacts don’t exist or have never heard of them, and if anyone dares call them on it, they literally shriek like a four-year-old.

      • Hormone-free ingredients sold by hormone-free people.

        • He seems to be full of estrogen if you ask me.

          That little girl is more masculine than him.

          And one more thing, what the fuck is with the “super swishy gay black guy” (Goronchev) in the pink shirt.

    • Remember: we’re talking about kids aged 35 and up here.

      Ride the

      There’s only one thing more fun than riding a bike, and that’s knowing that there’s ice cream waiting for you at the end of the ride. The only one of its kind, this cream-churning bicycle was built exclusively for Ample Hills, and it’s yours when you plan your party with us. We add the ingredients, you add the pedaling power, and poof!-Ice cream magic.

    • Ok, I watched the whole thing. Really! And what I saw wasn’t bad. Average business, run by a guy who has a passion for what he’s doing and a VERY understanding wife, who didn’t know anything about business so he took an 8-week crash course so he’d know what he was doing. No talk about organic, vegan, green or sustainable anything, and the only flavors mentioned were dark chocolate, bubblegum, Hey Batter Batter (cake batter), and a combo called the Elvis Impersonator (peanut butter and orange-banana ice creams). No wackier than what you’ll find at Coldstone. His beard was very closely trimmed and tidy. And his wife sounds like a native, too. From that, these folks strike me as being just another business who’s not trying to do something hip, but to do something good.

      However, I have not looked at the website. From the quotes here, it sounds like any hipsterism is coming out there, and the TV people did a good job of showing them as a stable business instead of a hipster hobby.

  10. hmm….being a unemployed crackhead living in another crime adled sespool, or being an educated treehuger that doesnt hate the world….thats a tough one.

    • How about just settling for being “educated” enough to be able to spell ADDLED, CESSPOOL and TREEHUGGER correctly?

    • “hmm….being a unemployed crackhead living in another crime adled sespool, or being an educated treehuger that doesnt hate the world….thats a tough one.”

      And I’m sure this dilemma will fry every synapse in that neural junkyard you laughingly call a brain .Now why don’t you crawl back under the rock that you slithered out from.

    • Well, I guess the last part of your screenname is pretty accurate.

  11. Where’d Texas go?

  12. Some of these “thefts” sound like Josh and Megan got hooked on heroin, ran through their more than ample allowance, went home for the holidays where everyone noticed they were strung out, got cut off (well, except for rent) and staged this for the insurance money to spend on dope. It happens all the time.

    The rest are just idiots that have no clue about street smarts and no respect for expensive gadgets that they never pay for.

    • I think I brought this up a while back but you are also correct. These assclowns steal from each other more than the local crackheads do. I’ve seen it happening, but since I wholeheartedly approve, I did nothing about it. Nothing like that initial moment when Zooey or Nathan realize their i-shit was jacked and their entire life, no, their very soul has just been stolen.

    • i believe you are correct.

      it’s not like these people are automatically immune from shit in life that happens.

      when the money runs dry, people will do what they have to do. part me laughs, part of me weeps. i dont wish ill on anyone, but i’ve been noticing MANY new homeless people these days and i swear to fuck i wouldnt be shocked if their names are megan and josh.


      • Oh, believe me, they will be Megan and Josh. Yes, the next big “Movement” in NYC (and therefore the world) will be “Homeless Hipsters” and I for one am totally looking forward to it.

        It will finally be my chance to spit back everything in their faces they’ve been saying all along about “changing times” and “reinventing yourself” they’ve been shitting out for the last 15 years or so.

        I just hope EriKKKa Reitman is among them so I can kick her gummy teeth personally, once she’s sold her iPad to buy organic food. (Actually, I have a whole list of names I want to kick in the teeth, mostly from this site. Say, anyone know where Special Edd is sleeping right now?)

      • They already exist, and they’re called “crusties”.

      • “This week’s i-Stole Report” a.k.a. “Butthurt in Breukelen”

    • Considering that you’re now seeing hipsters trying to sell their bridgework to jewelry stores to feed their habits, you’re probably right. If they don’t have insurance, then it’s begging on Facebook for sympathy and contributions, because “OMG I just can’t get through life without a brand new laptop!”

    • I’m just glad it fell on a Sunday this year.

      Do hipsters even have to know what day of the week it is if none of them work real jobs?
      I suppose FourSquare tells them it’s no pants day so they don’t even have to know the date?

  13. Got a copy of the Brooklyn Courier today…on the FRONT page was the following sub-headline “Cold Trees Get Warm Sweaters” , one of the paragraphs states “A quirky Park Slope street artist has dresses a strip of trees in knitted sweaters….to rethink their environment. I read that so you don’t have too. meanwhile on page 9, some important information about another slope sex attack…Who edits this sh*t?

    • Those stupid “sweaters” on the poor trees make the street look ugly.

    • One of the first things I ever posted here a couple of years ago was about some “yarn bomber” at the U of MN who knitted “sweaters” around trees and rocks.

      LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I can knit outside!! I can make a tree warm!!!!

    • Cold trees?

      They are such wastes of life- if you have to knit shit to give away, why not knit up some warm sweater for the real homeless people? maybe some hats or long johns. Call it a performance, or “keeping the bums warm”, whatever. sure gets putting sweaters on trees. Even putting one on a freaking dog is better than this idiocy.

      And knitting around a tree? I would have to choke her with the yarn if I saw something so dumb. Consider it my contribution to the Darwin Awards.

      • To be honest, those “tree cozies” and “shopping cart cozies” creep me the fuck out.

      • I work with a cankly hipster Megan whose hobby is knitting. I wouldn’t want any sweater knitted by her. They all look scratchy. She knitted a baby sweater as a shower gift for a coworker, and it looked scratchy as all hell.

  14. These people are doing the Lord’s work right here.

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