Today’s hipster beating.

Today, being that thousands upon thousands of asparagus-physiqued, self-proclaimed creative type, ironically bearded, out-of-place wannabe Brooklynites are coming back from their Mid-West Mommy and Daddy visits, I hid with my brand new Louisville Slugger in a suitcase labeled ‘Caleb’ on a luggage carousel at the JFK arrivals terminal. When Caleb came over to get his suitcase I burst out of it and pounded him over and over like a railroad spike until a couple of TSA agents came over to arrest him for illegally coming to New York with a whiny, nasally kazoo voice. End of story.

65 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

  1. A suitcase? Don’t you mean backpack?

    • Shame, comments closed on the article

    • “Skee Ball is such an antiquated pastime. Nobody ever says, ‘Let’s go play Skee Ball!’ And yet here we are, saying that very thing!’’ Oh boy, how special they are. I once said ‘let’s go play skeebal’… When I was a CHILD. Never have I said this in the recent past, as, you know, an ADULT. Let’s put on our scarves and go play SKEEBALL!

      These people act as though they’ve discovered skeeball. Personally, I don’t understand why they think it’s so great. As a kid who grew up in the midwest, I remember seeing skeeball machines in every crappy, rundown amusement park and carnival I’d ever been to; and even back then, it wasn’t anything special. I think that this story is another example of upper-middle class yuppies trying to appropriate and legitimize something that poorer people once enjoyed, as though it had no real significance until THEY ‘discovered’ it.

    • “Why can’t they adpot something that’s beneficial to society”

      Because they’re not good at anything that’s beneficial to society? Oh wait, that was rhetorical.

      • The most predicatable part of that article is that, although it had absolutely nothing to do with the topic she was being interviewed about, Zooey couldn’t get through 4 sentences without mentioning that she’s ‘an art director’. Of course you are Zooey, of course you are. And of course the photo in the newspaper article has a hipster with Buddy Holly glasses and a scarf playing SkeeBall, you know, so we can see how they’ve discovered an old game and put a quirky and whimsical twist on it.

        These trustafarians make fishing line look buff

    • God damn, but I love me some skee ball. Other kids wanted their own basketball court, I wanted a skeeball lane and a badmitton net. Love ‘em both without a lick of irony.

      Always have, always will.

    • I find this pretty funny. A few years ago I was living in Seattle. There was a bar not far from my place. It was considered a “bro bar”. Lots of frat boys and their girlfriends went there. A major attraction was….Skeeball! Never remember them getting coverage for a game we all played as kids.

      • That reminds me of this one bar that my friends used to frequent that served cheap beers and cheap bar food. the gameroom there consisted of two pool tables and a skeeball machine! It was pretty popular at the time.

        Atleast back then when I was a youngster, playing skeeball at Chuck E Cheese or Discovery Zone meant winning tickets which led to prizes. Now, all you get as a 20something kidult trying to look cool is a look of genuine disgust from everyone else.

      • Kidnap the hipsters and take them to a Dave and Busters….all the Skee-Ball(tm) you want! And all the deep-fried artisan food you want! Sysco’s local in Houston…

    • I was thinking of putting a ping pong table in my basement and setting up my old slot car track on top of it.

      You should be seeing the special feature on me next month, in Architecural Digest.

      Maybe I’ll get a dartboard, too?

  2. If only that bit about the TSA were true. I will vote for whichever presidential candidate vows to turn the TSA into a agency devoted to hipster beating.

  3. Good thing the TSA arrested Caleb for annoying you so much. Chaos reigns.

  4. Oh, you guys are going to love this. Until last week, my wife thought my loathing of hipsters was a bit of an overreaction. Then she had two incidents that set her forever in the way of hipster hate, and she doesn’t give me any more grief.

    The first: my wife works for a jewelry store, and her boss decided this late in the game to jump on the “We Buy Gold!” market. This may have been profitable two years ago, but now all you get are obvious scammers, deluded alter kokkers who demand an appraisal over the phone (and who go bugfuck when they’re told that no sane jewelry store employee or owner is going to give a monetary value based on a vague description), and lots of hipsters in need of drug money. Last week, she had a herd of the latter walk in, with one Nasal MacBeardo dropping a dental bridge on the counter. Apparently, Hummus had been shopping that bridge around to every jewelry store, “Cash 4 Gold” store, and pawn shop in the Southwest, because the first thing out of his mouth (other than a sneer over how nobody recognized him as the People’s Poet) was “Yeah, that’s my bridge.” Considering that half of the teeth on the right side of his mouth were gone, my wife figured that Mommy’s money had dried up, and Hummus had to pay for his heroin any way he could. The reason why she knew he’d been to every store in town was that when she gave a tentative price, he immediately quoted the latest price for gold that day, and immediately started with attitude when she pointed out that dental gold is generally about 6 carat. (It has to be: 24-carat gold is too soft for molars, and has to be cast with lots of other metals for strength.) Since she wasn’t willing to pay 24-carat prices, he stormed out, but not before screaming “Well, a REAL jewelry store would know better!” He then went a quarter-mile down the road to a pawn shop, where he threw the same tantrum with the same results.

    Story the second: we went out for dinner on our anniversary, and our table was next to one with two couples talking about their children. What made my wife perk up and listen was hearing one woman talking about her daughter “actually sending us a check for $1200.” The whole table was commiscerating with her: apparently her daughter had “gone hipster,” moving to Brooklyn to find herself, and ran up about $100k in debts before Mom cut off the spigot. “The worst part was that she’d refuse to pay her bills, and wait until she owed late fees and overdrafts before she’d say anything. I finally told her that she wasn’t getting any more money, so she got a real job. I didn’t expect to see any of that money again, so that check was a surprise.” The funniest bit, though, came from a guy who was relating how his formerly pweshious snowflake was throwing fits over having to be a responsible adult: “Better a daughter in a whorehouse than a son who’s a hipster.”

    • “Better a daughter in a whorehouse than a son who’s a hipster.”

      Hahahaha! The next time Grandpa talks about Precious Snowflake I’m going to drop that line into the conversation. He’s gonna love it! Grandpa is a WW2 vet and takes no shit, minces no words. When Grandpa was Precious’ age, he was overseas defending our country. What is Precious doing? Talking about art art art in Bushwick art in Williamsburg art art DJ minimalist techno performance camera equipment art internship art MOMA art Los Animal Of Montreal Scissor Collective art art art you wouldn’t understand if you’re not as cultured as me art art art. And nothing about actual work.

      • And how old are you? Why the fuck are you not overseas? It’s an insult to those of us who have served for little shitheads to support us and bring us into arguments we have nothing to do with, like this retarded, wasteful website. When we protect and serve, we protect EVERYONE, no matter who they are, if they are American, I defend them. You maggot scumbag, what a fucking disgrace for an American.

        • Change MATT DAMON to ED DAVID.

          Nice try Ed but we’re smarter than you anyday.

          • I can’t help myself I am so fixated with this site. I am a needle dick loser with no life so I post this stupid shit under many different sockpuppets. I have issues.
            Will you please be my friend?

            Edd

          • Actually, it’s “Will you please pay me a new trust fund. My parents are destitute now and I’m still not the next Cecil B. DeMille like my mom said I would be. Plus I pawned my cameras for PBR and organic tofu hot dogs and the homophobic meatheads keep pissing in my cardboard box when I’m trying to sleep.”

  5. This is the funniest Hipster Beating I have ever read.

  6. More News from Berlin.

    Here’s a guy with nothing in his life except a big trust fund. An American urban archaeologist without a plan. Bit like those clueless guys who go down the subway for “exploration”.

    The Press Release: Dumbshit found some old buildings under Berlin – No Shit Sherlock!
    http://www.thelocal.de/lifestyle/20111202-39219.html

    The Organization:
    http://www.skulpturenpark.org/

    His web site: (under construction as I write this)
    http://www.eriksmith.de/

    Aaaaaaand, here he is in action. Try not to get overcome with excitement.

    • From the source…

      “It’s the essential unknowability of his find – the fact that he [the California "artist"] will never know exactly what those stairs were used for, or what it felt like to be in that space – that most intrigues him.”

      Like ja. They’ve ruined Berlin worse than Portland.

      • There is a reason people don’t go digging up shit like that – live munitions! I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard it in the news; stories of neighborhoods being cleared for hours because of WWII munitions being discovered. Hope his little adventure isn’t too costly.

        • I never even thought of the live munitions. Didn’t they just evacuate half of Koblenz recently because of some big WWII bomb?

          You know, this might be interesting if the guy actually knew something about Berlin history and researched the story of that house. That empty lot he’s on is actually part of the Death Strip from the Wall, which from the sound of him, he doesn’t even know existed.

          Oh, and these shitheads are pushing up Berlin rents too.

      • “the fact that he [the California "artist"] will never know exactly what those stairs were used for”

        Need I say more?


  7. yea

    • Luckily for them, no child in Brooklyn ever went hungry. Otherwise the OWS cops would have beaten the crap out of them.

    • Every week is frosh week for these assholes.

    • these are the first assholes to eventually shit out a kid or two, and then call 311 (and 911) every single time someone opens up a fire hydrant when it’s 100 degrees out in their newly discovered neighborhoods. i watched 1/2 a minute of that video and realized it’s nothing more than a bunch of brats whose parents wouldnt let them in the balls bin at their local chuck-e-cheese or something cuz their parents were terrified that one of their precious little droppings had peanut allergies or something. BARF.

      *rob*

    • im white, and i HATE when people play the race card, but could you fucking IMAGINE if these were non-white people!?!?!? the national guard would be out in FULL FORCE! how do these suburban shit stains get away with this!?

      *rob*

      • The better question is where are the cops?
        Why are they basically allowed to mess up a couple of city blocks without even a complaint from a neighbor or store owner?

      • Remember, these are the same 99% of poor indebted students who can’t get jobs with their Gender Studies degrees. Just wait until OWS starts up again. They’ll be gone in no time.


  8. more bedford action

    • Couldn’t even get through that…wow that was horrible!

    • “Look at me! Look at me! Look at us! Look…we have a black guy in the group! And a dobro! Aren’t we so diverse and unique? Look at my stuffed animal! Why am I holding it on the subway platform? How ZANY!”

      • And the black guy?!? He’s a bluesman who killed a man on a southbound trains! How authentic!

    • She looks like she’s well on her way to the psych ward.

  9. Subway, Meagan, Ukulele
    STFU Meagan

  10. If we want to clean up the hipster scum, we should beg these guys to do business in Williamsburg and Park Slope.

    • 1:00 you’ll get a taste of Brooklyn in my New Jersey kitchen.

      Seems like everyone uses the “Brooklyn” gimmick these days.

      I love reading all these posts, makes me love living in QUeens that much more.

    • Wow! Real Men.

      I thought that species had gone extinct 20 years ago. Guess there’s some good DNA left for the future.

    • I’m not so sure Sneezy. I think she may be on our side. I looked up the painting and lets just say only a hipster would think this painting is worth $30,000,000. Frankly if my daughter painted this, not only would I not hang it on the fridge, I would call the art teacher to complain. Judge for yourself:
      http://www.pbs.org/newshour/multimedia/clyfford_still/8.html

      • Hmm. Perhaps you are right. I based my judgment of her on three things: 1) hideous neck tattoo 2) visited a brand new art gallery while drunk 3) age. Although after viewing the actual painting, it could be speculated that the original artist created that shit using the exact same method she did to destroy it. Hipster on hipster crime? This could be a good thing. Perhaps she was just jealous, and this is a signal of their own undoing. We can only pray.

        • Hipster on hipster crime? This could be a good thing.

          If there’s one thing we learned from “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”…

          “Mr. Taylor, Mr. Brent, we are a peaceful people. We don’t kill our enemies. We get our enemies to kill each other.”

        • I’ve come the conclusion that anyone with a neck tattoo will never pay taxes unless they are a mixed martial arts fighter. All the rest are either going to prison or OD

        • Hipster or not, she is a gross skank.

        • A smart person would have used paint remover.

    • There’s a subtle difference between hipster and gutter punk, although hipsters with serious addictions or who get cut off by their parents can become gutter punks.

      Somehow, I think Ms. Butt Is It Art makes her money spanging instead of snootily slinging coffee or PBR.

  11. I know this is about 2 years too late but….

    it sums up the hipster ideology perfectly. (Or at least I think it does. If anyone wants to sit through the entire 20 minutes of it without killing him/herself, let me know).

    • The driver may be charged with littering.

      • The driver HAS TO be at fault – after all, he ran over a gritty, street smart New Yorker that would certainly understand the do’s and dont’s of urban bike riding. After all, he moved to Brooklyn to practice his art all the way back in 2010.

        And to anyone who thinks it’s impossible for the driver to not know he ran someone over, when you factor in that flatbed trucks can be extremely loud inside, it is not that hard to understand. In addition, the drivers are perched higher up than average vehicles, and have partially obstructed views in certain positions, so they rely on pedestrians and bike riders to use just a tiny bit of common sense. If a bike rider is going to take the smug, self entitled, narcissistic attitude that “like yah, I was here a quarter of a second sooner, so he’s gotta yield”, then eventually that rider will end up a statistic – and it won’t be anyone else’s fault but his.

  12. This hipster didn’t die, thanks to quick-acting firefighters…

    http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2012/01/portland_bicylist_makes_illega.html

    http://bikeportland.org/2012/01/05/early-morning-bikecar-collision-results-in-heroic-rescue-life-threatening-injuries-64739#more-64739

    Let’s see – illegal lane change (and got a ticket for it as well as a ride to the emergency room), no lights (at 6:30 am in Portland on January 5, it’s still dark), probably no helmet, probably wearing all-black as well.

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