What Brooklyn Hipsters got for Christmas.

Just like Thanksgiving weekend, Christmas time is when transplanted hipsters take a vacation from their staycations in Brooklyn and head back to Iowa, California, Connecticut, Wisconsin, Oregon, etc, and visit their families that they left behind for Brooklyn coolness – if there is such thing. This is when they justify their subsidization by their parents by telling them how well their art and music careers are going. How Brooklyn is such a magical, cultural and diverse place for creative types. How they just need to be an unpaid coffee-run intern for 4 more years so they can finally become an assistant to the creative director’s assistant. Anyway here are some gifts the hipsters have received over the weekend back home at Mommy and Daddy’s.

Ethan, 38, Gowanus –  a Park Slope Brownstone

Stephonica, 29, Bushwick –  a sunflower seed oil powered Prius

Josh, 32, Williamsburg -  a small art gallery

Harrison, 30, Greenpoint –  a Penny Farthing

Chloe, 27, Bed Stuy –  an array of summer scarves

Zoey, 29, Williamsburg –  a .70 cents a day sponsorship of a Kenyan fair trade coffee bean picker

Mason, 35, Greenpoint –  a locally crafted belt buckle Metrocard holder

Logan, 30, SouthEast Bushwick –  a working vintage ColecoVision game console

Conrad, 40, Park Slope –  an all expense paid North Brooklyn local craft ale pub crawl

Piper, 26, NorthWest Bushwick –  a $1,000 gift card to Roberta’s Gentrification Pizza Parlor

Hayden, 31, Upper Mid NorthEast Williamsburg –  an authentic taco truck equipped with authentic Mexicans.

Megan, 36, Park Slope - a $250 gift card to an obscure book store that’s been closed since 1997

Parker, 27, Greenpoint - Tweed Converse All-Stars and a Sherlock Holmes Pipe

Caleb, 34, Williamsburg - a $500 deluxe edition Mast Brothers chocolate gift basket (3 bars)

Xander, 29, Bushwick - a new banjo and hand crafted tip jar for weekday morning subway performances

42 thoughts on “What Brooklyn Hipsters got for Christmas.

  1. man, you’re too fucking much!! i’m laughing my nuts off

  2. Is it bad that I want the CalecoVision game console? Hope that doesn’t mean I’m becoming one of them.

    • I know. My wife definitely got me a working sega master system for christmas.

      Retro gaming is just another thing hipsters try to make suck.

      • they already took. tho that said i still love my video game collection that spans every generation (well except the last)

        i have some doubles of sega master gear games if you are interested. free, but just have to get me back for the shipping. also a bunch of extra controllers if you are need. i bought a sega genesis once and in the box they put in 8 master system controllers. weird.

        *rob*

      • I’m still in a love hate relationship with the Intellivision. B17 bomber. Lol. Such a nerd… Anyway… Lets hope they don’t ruin retro gaming.

        • they can’t let you ruin things if you dont let them. i REFUSE to let them ruin retro gaming. besides their attention span is so short anyway, they are always onto the next thing to ruin.

          *rob*

  3. Come on DH, Nothing, I mean nothing from ETSY? No reclaimed north Brooklyn mixing bowls? No art supplies? No Crayons? and not a scrap of plaid to be found? No single sleeve sweaters? Not a single “Heros of Occupy Wall Street” Trading card? Oh, wait a minute, that’s what I wanted! No Ghost Bike tour map of hipsters who went SPLAT? Bah Humbugh!

  4. Their parents should have given them each a big box of RUBBERS so they won’t procreate.

    • I think that’s what the Woody Allen glasses are for

      • Exactly. They are way too infantile for (non-solo) sex.

        Still chuckling (can’t help it) over:

        Hayden, 31, Upper Mid NorthEast Williamsburg – an authentic taco truck equipped with authentic Mexicans.

      • Unfortunately, those birth control Woody Allen glasses fail once in a while…I’ve been seeing some emaciated thick eyeglass/wool cap/skinny jean/Converse wearing, fat cankled dumpy frumpy saggy-tattooed/disfiguring piercings people around town with their kids.

        Why do these people need to reproduce? They are adult infants themselves, how do they expect to raise children? Our only hope is that the stupid hipstery bullshit skips a generation…but what if it doesn’t? There are no guarantees that it will.

        • Don’t worry. Even if Josh’n’Megan have a big enough trust fund to get Megan Jr. into Brown for her degree in Puppetry Studies (which is unlikely), Megan Jr. is going to wake up sooner or later. The economic decline of the US will have one positive effect, and that is that useless people will have to become useful to survive. This whole anti-productivity fad cannot go on forever.

  5. Look, an article in the Times about the runners track in McCarren no longer being enirely for runners:
    https://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/27/sports/lives-overlap-on-the-track-in-brooklyns-mccarren-park.html?hp
    “A high tolerance for irritation, it turns out, is also needed at the McCarren Park track sometimes.”
    ““It used to pretty much be Spanish, Polish and Italian people here when I was growing up,”

    “petitioned Parks and Recreation to monitor the track more closely and wound up with painted lettering in Lanes 1 to 3 that read, “Runners Only.” The signs were printed in Polish, English and Spanish, the primary languages of the neighborhood. “It did absolutely nothing,” Liam said. “People were probably like: Oh, cool, Runners Only. Must be a new band.”

    ““The rich folks wouldn’t want to have to look at a bunch of immigrant kids sweating on a dirt field,” said Beyonce, one of the racquetball players. ”

    Hipsters poison everything

    • That’s one reason why the bike riders in the Philly area aren’t as bad. I do not like their little groups at all because they try to make everything about bicycling but they actually do tell their rank and file to respect other people when they’re riding and not to ride on sidewalks and all of that shit.

      You guys should run with baseball bats and just knock them off as you go around the track.

  6. Guarantee Megan uses that gift card to try to prove that she is actually from Brooklyn, despite knowing zero about anything south of the hipster line.

    Normal Person: “I went to Lincoln High”
    Megan: “Like yah!!! I’m from….uhhh, I mean my cousin is from Nebraska too!”

    Normal Person: “I went to New Utrecht”
    Megan: “I thought you said you grew up in Brooklyn.”

    Normal Person: “I played baseball in school – learned how to hit in the old batting cage in Coney.”
    Megan: “Uh, there has never been a batting cage in Coney Island – I would know; I’ve been there 3 times this summer. You must be confused with the baseball stadium – that has been there like forever…like yah.”

  7. I hope not a damn one of them got any Fleshtones music. Please tell me these playdate fucks haven’t co-opted one of my favorite NYC bands (yeah, I know…they’re from Queens).

  8. AHAHAHAHA I love working hard. I was able to send my native mother presents rather than vice versa………(you regular posters know what i mean)

  9. Jessup- an internship that pays less than nothing

    Noah – “Penny Farthing Parking Only” sign

    Harrison – To not have anything stolen for a whole year

    Clay – To grow back the three fingers I lost in the pig butchering class at “The Ambivalent Carnivore”

    Meghan- A man that doesn’t look like a wet lanyard, wears my jeans and sounds like an air raid siren on estrogen.

    Colin, Farris & Zooey – A steam powered copper hot tub shaped like a fedora.

    Maddy- an I-pad made from reclaimed lumber

    Anakin- To have the term “boxing” officially changed to “fisticuffs”

    Marny- Ankles

    Hummus – muscle tone.

    • The last two are hilarious. Hell, all of them are. Nice work.

    • ANKLES lmfao

      *rob*

    • Great stuff! Got me cracking up.

      Had some business in SoHo this morning, and saw a hipster beardo on Prince St. with the most smug fucking look I’ve seen in a long time on his lice farm mug. I guess the trustafarians that stick around during the holidays are the most stubborn pretenders – kinda like ingrown hairs that need to be extracted kicking and screaming back to Ohio.

  10. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Merry Belated Christmas DH (and also to all the good, hipster hating people who frequent this site) from Minneapolis.
    Where I stayed for the long weekend — and did notice at least a slight uptick in the number of neckbearded and cankled “creative” types. The ones with their noses in the air and just a hint of an east coast accent. Because, you know, they live in BK now and have been there for at least 9 months which is so long that they’re starting to lose their midwestern accents already.

    On purpose.

    Fucking posers.

    • That shit makes me laugh my ass off. I hear people fake Philly accents all the time, even on TV these days it seems. Then I look them up and hey look.. the guy’s from Kansas or some other Midwestern place.

      Go figure.

    • Anyone who tweets, “Fuck you, Mom & Dad!” because they didn’t get what they wanted needs to be kicked off this planet.

      Fucking ingrates.

    • All of those spoiled brats should be rounded up and forced to listen to the Jonas Brothers 24/7 until their heads explode.

      • Thats what would happen to these hipsters and some of these south brooklyn italian spoiled brat kids if you send them to Brownsville/East New York.

        2:29 “I’m quite sure your father got an excellent motha fuckin job. you don’t pay no bills do you?”

        You can basically substitute any of these scenes with a hipster and it will still make sense.

        • “your father got an excellent motha fuckin job”
          What exactly are you criticizing here?

          • Dunno… I guess some blacks have a problem with having a good job. Kind of reminds me of basic training when the sergeant made TyJeezey walk back and forth about twenty times until he stopped his “gangsta lean” and wiped the smirk off his face.

    • These whiny douchenozzles need to be eliminated, one at a time, before they further infect
      society at large.

  11. My kid got an i-Pod for Christmas so I had to venture into our local Apple Store for the second time in about 5 years. The difference is – this time I actually had to make a purchase – a charger and an i-Pod case.

    The place was packed…but it was more like a party – people sitting on stools, chatting like it was a party.

    So I wait. And wait. There are three employees sequestered in a corner chatting – one of which looked like a cross between Buddy Holly and Beluga whale. They avoid eye contact with with me. Obviously I’m an interloper.

    I flag down a Josh. I get a hand in my face. “I’m busy”, he says.

    There’s an old guy standing next to me who getting just as pissed off. After 15 minutes I walk over to the trio in the corner and say (quite loudly) , “PARDON ME – BUT IS THIS A BUSINESS OR A SINGLES MIXER FOR THE SOCIALLY AWKWARD?”

    The fat guy comes up to to me and displays first class customer relations skills:

    “What do you want?”

    I tell him. He hands the stuff to me. I look at the price of the case.

    29.95.

    For a piece of plastic.

    “Excuse. The case is for a nine year old. Do you have anything cheaper?” (cue eye roll).

    “That’s the cheapest we have”

    “It’s 20% of what the i-Pod cost. You must be joking. I could get one online for 5 bucks”.

    His response? “Go ahead. Buy a hundred and decorate your trailer with them”.

    I look at him.

    ” Ya know…I bet if you shaved, washed your hair, wore a shirt that fit and got rid of the birth control glasses you might MIGHT get close enough to a woman so she can smell the rancid bacon fat on your breath before she vomits”.

    Folks we’re doomed. Half the customers were in the store were there with their kids.

    Oh…and here’s a beaut. the merchandise is stacked on a table – along with the cash register – by the front door – which is about 40 feet from a parking lot.

    Quote of the Evening: Would you like your receipt e-mailed to you.

    Finally…the bags….they’re made to look like backpacks.

    Have a safe and happy New Year!

    Pat

    • Fucking disgusting. Steve Jobs rot in hell.

    • How on earth do these idiots still have jobs in customer service is beyond me….we experienced something similar at the Gap (of all places) The ‘supervisor/megan on duty’ complete with bangs and a snarky attitude had the nerve to tell my friend that a certain shirt was NOT on sale (even though there’s a sign that says “t-shirts half off”) she glared at him and said in a very condescending and whiny drawl “OK I’ll give you a sale price THIS TIME, but NEXT TIME you probably should ask before you buy”. I interrupted and told her “you know if it wasn’t for your face you’d probably be beautiful” my friend told her “we’re contacting corporate about your attitude, you should be cleaning toilets and not helping customers, skankboat” We asked to speak to her manager who was wearing a tank top, donning a mustache and unkempt hair, very scary…we weren’t getting anywhere with that one…we asked her how long it takes for one of her pods to hatch…she didn’t know what to say and we left. All we can say is keep complaining to their customer care/human resources personnel if you run into these fucktards. They don’t belong in customer service, there are a million other folks out there who actually want to work and show good attitudes to the general public…

    • Never go into an Apple store. If you must buy an iPad (I prefer Motorola Android tablets, but whatever) just buy it online…. what were you expecting?

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