Hurry! This deal won’t last! Made from “genuine reclaimed Northern Brooklyn wood”

Holy shit. Check out this Craigslist ad. I cannot believe the useless, worthless, pieces of shit that have flocked to Brooklyn, driven up our rents and taken up precious living space all in the name of horrific art and pointless projects. These delusional cumstains must think they are in some movie about the adventures of a raw and struggling artist who lives in gritty conditions – scraping by in this big bad city on a few sales of their deep and unique art work and craftsmanship. Meanwhile,  they are really some Sunny-D type adult toddlers who were chauffeured around suburbia in Volvo’s most of their lives – went to some expensive liberal art school and are staying in Brooklyn as long their parents or trust funds allow them to. How sickening is that?

Who the fuck would buy that termite-eaten piece of crap for $230 dollars???? Not me but that was a rhetorical question. I’ll tell you who might buy it. Some pseudo-quirky Megan or ironic Quaid who would back up their reason for this purchase by saying they believe in supporting local artists and giving back to the community blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah ok, fuck that – it’s all about being an attention starved try-hard to them. It’s all about meeting at Egg or some other gentrification eatery for brunch, being seen eating rooftop kale and poached eggs, wearing a zany hat and telling Josh and Molly about their one of a kind table they just bought.

Here is the ad:

Hand-made wooden tv stand – $230 (bushwick)

Date: 2011-12-19, 12:01PM EST
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

Cute and Cozy, just in time for winter. Fresh out of the studio!
I built this out of reclaimed wood found throughout northern Brooklyn. Painted with Milk Paint. All the wood was sanded and varnished.

This piece could be used as a nightstand or a small tv stand. I put a couple of extras on this one like a drawer and a little cubby hole with a removable container to keep baby-doll arms, sling-shots or cornmeal. There’s also a little black door to keep things tidy and out of sight. I also put a shelf on the right (removable for larger items) and cut a hole in the back for cords for a dvd player or other electronics.

I did a little wood-burning to make it super-cute.

This would be a great addition to a small apartment, bedroom, children’s room, or to throw off of a old ship at sea.

Height 16 3/4″
Width 21 1/2″
Depth 14 1/2″

Free Pick-up or $15 delivery

If you have any questions or comments let me know. My name is John.

47 thoughts on “Hurry! This deal won’t last! Made from “genuine reclaimed Northern Brooklyn wood”

  1. Just offered him $5 bucks if he would deliver it. I’ll let you know how it goes

  2. April Winchell at Regretsy correctly stated that weathered wood was hipster catnip, and this just proves it again. Considering the number of hipster venues that seem to think that badly painted and battered furniture is “authentic”, I’d love to compare their output to actual sales.

  3. It’s a Trojan Horse for bedbugs.

  4. No. Just…

    • The headline reads: “You need to know about: Birch iced coffee delivery”

      No, we don’t need to know anything about these gimmicky Mast Bros. sans lice farm redbeards with their ironic vintage bicycle. We already know their fair trade organic sustainable artisinal hand crafted coffee is over-hyped and overpriced.

      • Well, the author sure seemed to be impressed. Was it because she gets off on watching middle-aged douchenozzles in goofy outfits, because Mommy sees nothing wrong with paying $18 for two quarts of coffee, or because she was so coked up that she otherwise dedicated 30,000 words to her thoughts on watching a Stargate rerun?

    • It’s all so soul-crushing

  5. “… removable container to keep baby-doll arms, sling-shots or cornmeal…”

    It’s funny because those three things are SO RANDOM!!!!! It makes you think: why those three very specific things, in particular? This is why they’re great artists, because they have the creativity to focus on little esoteric details like this. Only the most creative mind would be thinking of poetic imagery to do with baby-doll arms, sling-shots and cornmeal – all at once – while writing a Craigslist advert.

    “… great addition to a small apartment, bedroom, children’s room, or to throw off an old ship at sea…”

    Did you notice the last one?!?! The list ends with an item that is SO UNEXPECTED AND RANDOM compared to the others! It’s evocative of imagery! This isn’t an advert, it’s a work of art. It proves everything can be art.

    • Actually, those make me think that this listing is by a non-hipster who wants to offload some crap furniture from their storage unit or basement, and is going to try to appeal to the hipster demographic to get $230 for a $5 pile of wood.

      • Unfortunately, I guarantee you that this is genuine. No male who has any bit of self-respect or masculinity would ever lower himself to saying “super cute”.

        • Maybe his girlfriend/sister wrote and posted it for him? /shrug

        • Exactly my thought. I mean, “super cute” – really?

          Jack, as to the three “random” items you cited, even that isn’t original. It was stolen from the Netflix radio ads.

    • I created some art in the toilet a few hours ago.

  6. “This would be a great addition to a small apartment, bedroom, children’s room, or to throw off of a old ship at sea. ”

    Or just drop it off at a junkyard. Let Brooklyn reclaim the wood once and for all.

  7. Look at the photo. Notice the nice hardwood floors — seems to have some decent space too. No doubt all of this is paid for by Johnny’s parents, since career in poetry hasn’t taken off yet. Anyone with a real job wouldn’t spend their free time traipsing around Brooklyn looking for scrap wood to buid shitty pieces of furniture.

  8. Posted on Craigslist Monday at 12:01pm – That’s actually pretty early for him to be awake on a Monday; they must have moved kickball practice up by an hour.

    • In my opinion, that’s a good thing. Not the gentrification.. fuck that shit. But it’s a good thing that minorities are moving to the suburbs, where there tends to be better schools and better opportunities for them. Even some of the worst schools in the suburbs around here are better than the schools in the worst parts of Philly. Kids get a chance.

  9. It looks big enough to stuff a hipster in.
    Or hipster body parts.

  10. WHAT THE FUCK??!! This can’t be real. PLEASE tell me this ad is some kind of joke.
    If this is real then the hipster virus makes the bubonic plague seem like a treat by comparison!

    Whatever odious cretin that would pay this loser $230 for that piece of shit made out of garbage picked wood deserves to be fed into a woodchipper feet first. Sure there’s a sucker born every minute and a fool and his money and all that. But for fuck sake, this purchase would transcend retard and plumbs the uncharted depths of brain dead imbecility.

    And this John character should be thrown off an old sailing ship at sea.

  11. Where’s the hidden drawer for the coke stash?

    This will go great with Joshie’s stake vegan cupcake lamp and futon made with 100% asbestos fill.

    What a craptastic example of ineptness. I’ve made pallets with a more style, craftsmaship and better proportions. Who made this – a beaver with ADD?

  12. DH,

    Are you sure this wasn’t posted by you? It seems too hipstery to be true.

  13. This can’t be real. Maybe some scorned “Fishing for Hipsters” victim who’s now “Fishing for DieHipster”??

    If it is real then I over estimated the hipster. And that my friends is no easy task!

  14. I built this out of reclaimed wood found throughout northern Brooklyn. Painted with Milk Paint. All the wood was sanded and varnished.

    No you didn’t. You found a piece of shitty furniture that somebody threw in the trash. Plus, it was already worn like that when you found it.

    Also, WTF is “Milk Paint”???? That’s a dead giveaway you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

    Nice try Hummus. You’ll never pay your $3,000 rent with used firewood. M’Kay!

    Now fuck off and die y’ hear.

    • There is such a thing as milk paint. Just another way of making paint, but an old pre-petroleum based coating. I’ve used it on my own furniture that was too much work to strip or over-painted to strip. Does a nice job, has nice colorshave to overcoat it with clear satin poly tho.

      However painted the North Brooklyn Drift Wood weekend project doesn’t know how to use milkpaint or basically alot of things.


      • Thanks for that info. I never heard of milk paint before. Now I know.

        I still say he found that piece of junk in that state and didn’t do anything with it. Maybe its previous owner sanded it, saw it was a piece of shit, and threw it out before wasting any more time on it.

        If only he knew, he’d be $15 richer today.

    • I hear that by using the latest forensic techniques, and exhaustive detective-work, they’ve painstakingly narrowed the list of suspects down to the entire population of New York City.

    • I thought that whole video about how his cafe would be “unique” and so original was grating BS, but he didn’t deserve to be murdered. I’m sad for his family.

    • Let me guess; he owed money to the Mob. Dredge the East River. Use the concrete boot detector.
      Maybe his parents killed him so they wouldn’t have to pay out money for the rest of their lives.

      • Nah, not the mob. They’d kill him here in town. That was some wacky homo rough trade sex thing. I bet Rob Halford was involved. Where was Priest playing that night?

  15. “I did a little wood-burning to make it super-cute.”

    If only he had done a little more, it might have saved someone else the trouble.

  16. My comments (posted from home) are not showing up but when I post them again I get a message stating I already posted the comment twice. What gives?

  17. My goodness, this that thing is horrible! I can go to IKEA and get something better for less!

    • Hell, you could wander along the side of the road through most of Georgia and get something better. Probably with fewer jizz stains on the top, too.

  18. I build REAL furniture on the side, on weekends, apart from my REAL job. Night stands and TV stand and other stuff….I can tell you, I can build something a heck of a lot better than this pile of shit for less than $230

  19. And if you didn’t already want to set fire to something, say hello to the hipster Christmas tree dealer of Greenpoint:

    And when I say “say hello,” I mean “make this inarticulate scatmuncher a reason to beg for police brutality, because the worst cop beating would still be more merciful than anything he deserves.” (In particular, read the comments. The hipster rage keeps building, including the comment “this is a problem that can be fixed with fire.”)

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