54 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

  1. He wasn’t wearing a fedora?

  2. beautiful. If only there were no legal consequences. One can only dream.

    • Well I’m sure back in Prostate Gulch, WI daddy got a call and sent Attticus Finch to Williamsburg.

  3. elegant

  4. Sweet.

  5. A nice simple one.

  6. As a man who enjoys sitting in a bar with normal guys and girls bullshitting, having a beer, and listening to some good music, this beating warmed my heart.

    • Therefore making it my favorite beating to date,

      • Yep amen to that – and the smug look they get on their face makes me want to execute a well placed Timberland roundhouse to their pubic bearded mugs. Quinn the hipster always has that fucking smug sneer on his face – it’s a total look of contempt at anyone not displaying the hipster uniform. Bunch of carbon copied pretenders chowing on organic hummus and rolling their eyes at anyone who sees through their pseudo creative veneer.

        I’m seeing so many of these stupid animal hats already and it’s just gonna get more and more common among the standard beta followers. For fucks sake – you’re pushing 30; might be time to stop pretending that you’re 8.

        • It seems like a rapidly growing infestation. If only we had access to APCs and humvees with gun mounts to clear the city of these gentrifying cannon fodder.

        • Yes. They are coming out more. Its sad they ruin any establishment they go into. Where I live, all the normal people have been/are being pushed out(its no williamsburg, but I’m afraid we’ll be pushed out by june). There is no place to have a regular beer, listen to some ACDC or sam cooke and watch a game. Every place is filled with snarky beers, snarky beardos. And if there is a game on its soccer(with them trying to pretend to be european) or some ridiculous sport like flute javolin. My partner and I have given in. We just get drunk on the stoop until we get ignant just start harrassing the fucks. Its fun cause they try to act hard for 2/3 of a second but go running scared. But its bad that we can’t even go hang out with normal people after dealing with skells and beardos and yuppies all weekend.

          • It’s been hipster hell all weekend. For some goddamn reason I couldn’t get away from them.

            At Shoprite this afternoon, a beta male with an animal hat was pushing his fucking dirty, greasy Megan – no socks, filthy, torn chucks and of course – a black and green checked fedora. Age?I’d have to guess early-mid TWENTIES.

            They were racing and generally acting zany while slyly looking out of the corners of their eyes to see if anyone was paying attention to them.

            Well they almost ran into my son and me several times (do I need to say that the cocksucker didn’t even have the strength to push the goddamn cart?) I politely said, “excuse me” several times.

            Ten minutes later my kid and I are walking along the back of the market when you -know-who comes barreling up an aisle like AJ Foyte. He sees us, can’t stop the cart in time with his light bulb filament arms and goes crashing into a display of tomato sauce jars.

            Glass tomato sauce jars.

            For once my reflexes didn’t fail me. I grabbed my kid – who was right in front of the display – grabbed him by the hood of his jacket and flung him out fo the way.

            Jars fell over the place..splattered my pants and drenched the legs of the woman standing opposite of me.

            I checked on my kid who was on on the verge of tears because some he that this mess was his fault.

            I yell at Joshie, “THREE TIMES!! THREE TIMES YOU ALMOST HIT ME!!! AND YOUR STILL
            ACTING LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD!!

            He nasal honks and whines “hey man calm the fuck down”.

            That’s it. I lunged for him and had him pinned against the shelf by his throat.

            YOU ALMOST HURT MY KID YOU FUCKING CHILD!

            AT This point two butchers who were stocking the meat case pulled me off. The older guy grabs the guy by the collar and pushes him out of the store while kicking him in the ass.

            Apologies from the sissy store manager who I laid into because he saw the whimsical twosome wreaking havoc in his store and did nothing.

          • Good thing you didn’t hit them – although they definitely deserved it. You woulda had every high priced lawyer from Ohio to Wisconsin on your ass before you even got home. Pweshus shnowfwake knows his rights. He would call home and whine to daddy that he was just at the supermarket to pick up some organic hummus and soy milk, when some rude local started bullying him.

          • “… every high priced lawyer from Ohio to Wisconsin…”

            So what is that, like six? Ha!

          • That depends upon the definition of “high priced”. Most of Wisconsin’s best will work for a few cases of beer, a couple of roadkill porcupines, and a crack at the plaintiff’s teenage sister.

          • Look at the bright side. They’ll be going home for Christmas. That’s two solid weeks, maybe three, where the population will be a bit thinner in Brooklyn. Of course, it’s all of us in the flyover states who’ll be receiving the vermin, and God Almighty help anybody who finds themselves in a baggage claim area when eight or nine wannabe musicians decide to have a jam right in the middle of the concourse floor.

        • NO KIDDING!
          Our kids have those hats, they are adorable on little ones.
          Not so much on adult toddlers.

          • Yes – they are cute for little kids; not cute on 34 year old kids

          • Wait until you see the fortysomethings with the cutesy animal hats, with their teenage kids following along behind giving them death stares.

  7. One of my Berlin friends just sent me a link to a the second video. Before you look at it, please look at the first video. Einsturzende Neubauten (collapsing new buildings), a famous industrial rock band performing in SO36 nightclub, sometime early 80s (OK, it’s an acquired taste but Berlin’s had a scene since before Hitler was president).

    Now, here’s the 2011 equivalent. Please try not to puke. (Sorry. I had to share this before I kill someone)

    • Sorry – 17 seconds was all I could take.

      They really are like cockroaches. I’m seeing more and more fedoras in Bay Ridge and it’s hard not to pick up a “sustainable barstool” (great image!) and use it as nature intended – a hipster beatdown.

    • Looks like Borat

    • BTW. Click on the youtube link. He has a whole load of other shitty videos of all the places he’s been to. Watch out Pompalmoose.

    • Uhh…
      Big Stu is a comedian.
      From Ireland.
      Do the terms “parody”, “send up” or “taking the piss outta” mean anything to you?

    • Prince should track him down and kick his ass for abusing his music.

    • What the hell? Apple? In one of the most iconic stations in US history..

      Yeah, that makes a whole bunch of sense. What’s next.. a Starbucks sign on the Empire State Building?

      Or better yet.. they can change the Statue of Liberty to a statue of the Mast Brothers..

      • Apparently Apple was allowed to have the space for $60 per square foot, being cheaper than what other retailers have to pay. To add insult to injury there are some reports of Apple not having to share profits with the MTA but that Apple’s presence should be enough to bring in more business to the surrounding shops.

        So much BS and the hipsters are funding it all.

        • That’s ridiculous. Grand Central is really the only “old” major train station left, since they knocked down Broad Street’s station in the ’50s. How can they sell that out to Apple?

          I get that Apple is considered “upscale” or whatever bullshit but you’d think such an important place would have a bit higher standards than to bring in a company that sells gadgets, and bring them in at a discount no less!

          Who the fuck thinks “Oh, I’m a bit early for my train… I should buy an iphone!”?

    • I wonder if that was also to point out how these sheltered girls always want to find somebody they can’t take home to mommy and daddy.. just so that she can take him home to mommy and daddy and use him as a middle finger to “rebel”..

    • Gotta love the onion…

      And ya especially gotta love hipsters trying to get into the graffiti game and failing miserably. Is there really no facet of culture that is sacred to these people? LOL @ these clowns making the most miserable excuses for graffiti ever, getting punked out by actual graffiti writers that have had clout, and only being able to get the positive accord of lame people (i.e. the 19 year old girl in the article) that wouldn’t know real culture if it stood infron of them and peed all over their chuck taylors.

      As a former graffiti writer who quit when too many friends of mine were getting arrested, jumped, and jailed, I just find it funny. Kids who failed art and had no artistic bones in their linguine shaped bodies trying to get into graffiti. The shit is no joke and I learned at a young age that you can’t fuck around as a graffiti writer. This was back in the late 90s and early 00s.

      Now, it’s all a joke so Ethan (who writes UMB) and Zach (who writes Gayme) can try to get in zooey and meegan (with two E’s cause here parents fried their spines on ACID in the 60s) sailor moon panties as they send them their “flicks” of shitty bubble letters they did in the Schwich to wherever the hell they crept from in Pennsylhioconsindakotabraskadahokansasklshomatucky.

      • Oh yeah I completely agree. You know what’s funny though is these shits actually start that shit in the suburbs where they grow up. You would not believe the amount of graffiti I see in nice areas. It’s hilarious.

        But what’s the best is seeing those “SouthwestPhilly” tags around my nice ass neighborhood and others like it. Honestly, who the fuck do these kids think they’re fooling? Graffiti is an art. A real one.

    • I can personally claim to have seen this beardo all over Southern California. He’s usually blocking people’s view of the beach with his ‘performance art,’ or pretending to be a homeless rock musician with that one white dreadlock guy. They ask for change while somehow having enough money to leave a half dozen musicial instruments laying around.

  8. This guy so desperately needs a hipster beating… with a Mummer’s baton.

    http://blogs.phillymag.com/the_philly_post/2011/12/01/encounter-ca-conrad/

    I love how typical elitist, entitled white kids always try to make working class Italians, Irish, and other “white” ethnicities out to be typical racist white people. I guarantee you those schmucks have never stepped foot in a real Philly area hood with the very minorities they secretly despise/fear.

    • Philly has an image problem. Look at every magazine, TV show, news promo it’s always a montage of guidos, obese Eagles fans, quasi-illiterate Phillies fans, cheesesteaks, pretzels and Billy Penn. Like hipsters, these guys like to think they’re tough but like you said, they’ve never ventured after dark into the neighborhoods they love to show off.

      But Philly has itself to blame. It’s OK to be proud of your working class roots. But Philadelphia is also home to Independence Hall and the largest concentration of medical schools (and colleges in general) in the US and maybe the world).

      I wanna shoot the TV Elvis-style every time I see that the Moe,CLarry and Curly of Philly Stereotypes on the Food Networks: Tony Luke, the guy from Pat’s Steaks and the late Geno Vento. These guys are cring-inducing. They do nothing to help the city’s image except accept attract hipsters looking for a working class experience. They Goombah shtick is weary and embarrassing.

      • I definitely agree with you there. That’s moreso due to all of the other things just up and leaving town with the wealthy people over the past 50 years though, and the way Philly’s been shit on ever since by outsiders, which made everybody focus more on community and hard-nosed, blue collar things than anything. Also… Rocky.

        That’s changed a lot though these past five years or so.

        I mean really.. does it have to be one extreme or the other though? This motherfucker saying “we need to get rid of the mummers” is just.. betrayal really. It’s a tradition for a reason. It’s like some of the things they do in New Orleans the way these people put pain-staking work into every part of it.

        I invite everybody who reads or comments on or writes this blog to come to Philly New Years Day and watch the Mummers. I’m sure as hell going this year, and I better not see that fake fuck there or I’ll give him the beating he’s asking for.

        • Look I’m not a big fan of the mummers. I don’t hate them but I understand that they are a well-loved institution and Philly loves them. The same douchebag who wants them gone is no different than the NYC hipsters who are petitioning to get rid of the feast of San Genarro – which is a NYC tradition and a religious to many. To these fucks, diversity extends only as far as what they want.

          • Exactly. The thing that pisses me off most though is that they label all of these things as “Philly” things only, and completely ignore the actual origins of them. Cheese-steaks, hoagies, and strombolis to name three were all invented by Italian-Americans. Nobody outside of the area mentions that though, and it completely cheapens what they actually are. Hell even Tony Luke’s made a movie about a local Philly boxer so at least he’s doing something to promote the actual city and not just his cheese-steaks. Still, you are right, they definitely sell a certain “Philly” that outsiders want to see in order to make money off of them.

            All of this is very new to the entire area. We haven’t had outsiders or any of that stuck-up bullshit in our area in years, not since the “elite” fled the city and inner-ring. We’ve been ignored or shat on and left to live in our own almost hidden city, being some of the only people who knew how great the whole area actually is. More importantly, we defined the entire area, not some spoiled little shits who hate the working class and the ethnicities that make the area great. Now we have these publications and other people claiming to represent “Philly” who are fighting against everything that makes Philly what it is. I’ve said before that I understand that this is a big city now and it’s not for “Philly” anymore but to completely insult and discount things that are completely Philly? It’s like “oh, that’s not the real Philly. I live in the real Philly, in my expensive fucking apartment/condo. These are just uneducated savages.”

            I will say though that everything that is “Philly” has completely lost its way, including the Mummers. They stay true to themselves and their traditions sure but everything around the event has just become another “Philly’s so not classy” thing all because people like to pound beers instead of “drink merry ale like they did in the days of yore”. I mean Jesus, how many people even know the true origins of “Philly” things? That’s a problem. We only have ourselves to blame too for not making sure these things stay true to their roots and that people know where they come from and why they’re important. Instead, everything is just “Philly”, which of course means it needs to be made out to be as obnoxious/unsophisticated/not-classy as possible by elitist little shits.

            Don’t ever let that happen to the feast of San Genarro.

          • It’s sad reading about Philly’s decline. Though I never lived there, both my parents are old school Philly. (W. Philly & Bartram HS). I think my father went to school with the son of the Pat’s Steaks guy (Prince of Steaks?) and even Chuck Barris lol. (Can’t remember if that was HS or Drexel).
            Anyway, they all have interesting stories.
            Just to show appreciation I often scour old bookstores for books on Philly history. People forget the history of the places where they are. (Or never learn it in the 1st place.)

            Don’t be afraid to walk up to the old timer on the park bench and ask questions about his town. You might learn something.

          • Oh definitely. That’s how I learned about the neighborhood I grew up in. I agree too, there are way too many kids growing up who never learn the history or even pay homage to the past or to the ancestors that are the reason they aren’t living in the shit those people did for years. Everything’s about the present these days, and people are almost proud of not knowing the past.

            You should come to the Mummers Parade this year if you’ve never been. It’s a great way to feel “at” home even if you’re not actually from there. There’s even a museum for it.

      • I had to laugh at those Occupy Philly hipster schmucks complaining about the way the police treated them when they raided the area and arrested the protesters.

        I said to myself “These idiots are lucky this didn’t happen during the Frank Rizzo days.” Back in the day, the Philly PD (also known as Rizzo’s Army) would have crushed the Occupy Philly movement in less than an hour. Frank Rizzo didn’t mess around – unlike the gutless politicians in Philly today….

  9. Just to pass on word, the hipster equivalent of William Shatner’s “Get a life” speech is starting a new season next month, and they’ve already dropped an H-bomb on hipster cuisine:

    http://www.wecanpicklethat.com/

    I love how the show has built up Portland. The longtime residents alternate between laughing themselves sick and wanting to get a shotgun loaded with rock salt. Meanwhile, the show’s targets alternate between laughing about how they know someone else who’s that bad and nasally sneering “I don’t think this is funny at all.

  10. Tonight a twizzler bodied, know nothing, expecting everything + the world & self proclaimed “lawyer” and son of a hotel billionaire stole my friend’s drink, screamed out the classic lil john “Ye-yea” and claimed he owned the entire block. He chatted with my friends for a bit before talking himself up and gulping every last thing in our flask. He proceeded to grab my hair and steal bleeding french a kiss from my hiv infected gums after I told him to get the fuck away from me. End of story.

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