Fishing for Hipsters.

Yes. It’s time for another installment of Fishing for Hipsters where I pretend to be a spiritual, magical, artistic, care-free, hipster transplant girl looking for love in New Brooklyn on Craigslist.

Here was my ad:

Creative girl looking to DO THINGS! – 28 (The heart of Brooklyn)

Date: 2011-11-20, 8:08AM EST
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here

I want to take doll sewing classes with you …I want to try and ride a penny farthing along the Brooklyn water front while the wind blows through our hair…

I want to have a 7-day morning and night nonstop art gallery hopping expedition and visit every last gallery in Brooklyn with you…

I want to incorporate hummus into sex with you…

I want you to recite 19th century poetry to me in the park on a chilly afternoon as we drink hot absinthe infused Peruvian tea.

I want to have tofurkey with you on Thanksgiving….

I want to visit OWS with you and fight for whats right…

I want to start a blog and document our lives in Brooklyn together….

I want to sell quirky art that we make together at a flea market….

I REALLY REALLY REALLY Hope the right boy reads this and responds. Please tell me a lot about yourself. My name is Zelda, Im 28 from Portland and live in Southwest Bushwick.

I wish us luck!






Here were the responses:

I don’t know anything about sewing but I am eager to learn

I love the brooklyn bridge and art gallery idea, though i don’t know brooklyn so much but carrol’s garden and bergen street.

Humus, OMG, never thought about it  !

Poetry has to with Beaudelaire or Appolinaire (we go for Mr Poe for the Americans, which i am a big fan of)

I am cooking a 17 pounds turkey two days from now and i getting exicted about it, though it will go with mushrooms (and not cranberry) and regular mashed potatoes (sweets are too sweet)

OWS is a complicated story (did you watch inside job ?)

And the flea market is about right a block from where i live.

To be conceived, i really liked your post, it was very charming, very well presented and now i am dying to meet you.

PS : I don’t care if you made the flower in the coffee cup, but i love the picture.


Hey I am loving, caring, respectful, loquacious, athletic, creative, musical, open minded and free spirited. I would like to mention that your name Zelda is the name of the princess in the Zelda games which are my favorite. I also got a kick out of when you said ” I want to incorporate hummus into sex with you”. Thats straight out of Zohan ! Anyway Write me back if you’re interested.


im ready for a creative girl who wants to sell things at flea markets/farmers markets, ect


Hey princess Zelda… From portland, always wanted to go to that voodoo donut place.. Mmm bacon maple bars… I digress though.. My name is jeff, chef, chef jeff.. Can u guess what i do? Seriously though i have a passion for food and cooking, i love music, im pretty artistic/bohemian very easy going.. Down for almost anything.. Like your list of ” things to do” very creative. Maybe change the 19th century poetry to 20th and the hummus to.. Chocolate ganache.. I dunno.. But anyway im 31 dark hair dark eyes, slim, but built.. Just lookin for someone to vibe with basically.. Hope to hear from ya


Hey, hows it goin?  holy shit is your name really Zelda? Thats fucking awesome. Lol now that thats out of the way, a little about myself:

I play guitar, bass, piano, keys, drums, banjo, and sing

I went to school for music recording and work at a recording studio in Williamsburg.

I constantly write and record songs all the time

I tend to work a lot at the studios. I’m trying to make it as an engineer and so far my hard work is paying off a little….still need to bust my ass though.

I don’t mind the hummus thing as long as it’s spicy hummus ;)Speaking of spice, I love spicy things….my friends call me gross due to the amount of hot sauce I like to put on stuff

I like walking around and talking and connecting, whether it be in a park, THE park, or just around the city. Being active is fun =)

I’m not the most confident man in the universe….but I make up for it bc I’m a nice guy….

I actually did some field recording of OWS for a documentary. I was down there for 3 days and it was an amazing experience. The compassion and genuine nice-ness of the protesters there is really awesome. This was during the start of the movement right after the girl got maced. I haven’t been back very often because I have been working a lot, although the times I went it was jamming out on my acoustic. I’d love to bring my electric guitar down there and make some jammy tribal metal with the drummers to piss off the fat cats up in the buildings >=)

Physically, I’m 5’6 140is lbs, have semi long hair (it’s growing) and a few tattoos.
I’m not scrawny but I’m not huge either….I naturally have some muscle but you can’t tell bc I slouch and wear black t-shirts all the time. So yeah thats me in a nutshell….I don’t know what else to say. If I sound interesting I guess hit me back otherwise have a nice life.


Hi Zelda,

I really liked your ad and all those things sound so much fun.  It sounds like a great relationship with great adventures!

I’m a 25 year old artist.  I stand at 5’9”, weigh 140 lbs and have brown hair and blue eyes.  I’m very nice and friendly, but can be shy at first sometimes. 

 I hope we can do a bit of everything together!


I want to get arrested with you after being on the government ‘watch list’ for some time because our coexistence has proved too subversive for the good of America.


Hey Zelda,
I’ve never had an absinthe infused tea, sound great. Have you sewn dolls before?


You had me at sex and hummus haha. You sound really interesting and Id like to get to know you a bit more. Any chance we could start with a pic exchange and go from there?


Your ambitions with hummus drew me to emailing you lol I am also in Bushwick.  Check my pic and send yours.

75 thoughts on “Fishing for Hipsters.

  1. a) this really is what it’s like to be a single female and to try internet dating aka fucking disgusting
    b) i think that the second from the last response is from my ex tee hee
    c) i think if zelda were real, i’d like to fix her up with the penny farthing

    • Sounds like your ex was a piece of work. (I sympathize. I really do. In my case, my ex is a physical and temperamental ringer for Edina Monsoon from the Britcom “Absolutely Fabulous”, combined with the typical work ethic of the hipsters who continue to work for minimum wage at used bookstores because, and I quote, “I wanna stay in the publishing business!” I suspect that if DH runs a Fishing For Hipsters installment with a Josh seeking a Meghan, my ex will be the first to respond.)

      • Edina Monsoon OMG, I loved that show. The whole gay-hairdresser world of fashion is just ripe for satirizing. Actually, the fashion world never really bothered me. They live in the boutique enclaves of London, Paris, New York and a few other places, are self-supporting and don’t invade working class neighborhoods.

        I recently saw Nathan Barley on youtube. God, I wanted to rip my eyes out after only one episode. The show was funny alright in its Britcom way but the world it depicts is beyond satire. Bottom line, you can’t make hipsters funny. There was no sympathetic character on the show to contrast these shitheads with. Screaming in a World of Stupid with no redeeming quality. Made me want to nuke Shoreditch (or wherever the shitheads congregate in London) for the good of Humanity.

  2. These ”guys” sound like real winners. The asshole who wants to be arrested sound like he has mental issues, but I guess that’s the goal of all the attention seeking OWS protestors. They absolutely looooove telling people they got arrested. As if that makes then hardcore.
    On a side note….
    Why are hipster douche bags 6′ 2” and like 140 lbs? Is something wrong with being 6′ 2 and 220 lbs? It’s like being a beta male (more like female) is attractive to hipster bitches.

    • Most kids from the suburbs have average bodies. The kids who have somewhat masculine bodies tend to be athletes or ex-athletes. The rest of them think that having a little bit of muscle or maybe an ab or two is being “jacked, cut, ripped” (their own words). You wouldn’t believe the amount of false advice I’ve been given by them based on their average bodies before. Hell, look at TV, movies, etc.. most guys and girls from the suburbs these days are average in every way, including their looks and bodies.

      5’6-5’9 and 140 is pretty muscular if you’re getting the most out of that 140. You know these kids are never like that though.

      I find it funny as hell to see these kids walking around like they’re so big in their own neighborhoods and similar ones. I guarantee you they don’t walk around like that when they venture into places with actual tough dudes.

      • 5’6″ and 140 might be muscular, relative to height (and mesomorphic build). Not 5’9″. Absolutely right. I’m 5’8″ and around 150, and muscular. And I mean ripped. Like all muscle, almost no body fat. I work out for it. Even so, I’m not going to consider myself at an ideal weight until I’m around 165. People secretly observe me at the gym to try and copy my workout and supplementation routine. I’ve proven myself against big guys, and they tend to look at me with respect, and often fear, oddly enough (which I am genuinely getting tired of. It actually isn’t fun when so many people avoid you from fear that you become an irritable hermit because you have such difficulty meeting people. I’m a nice guy, just don’t piss me off. And people who walk around thinking they got it piss me off. They think they’re all that, but quake in fear when a bigger or sketchy guy passes). Once upon a time, it was fun walking around being a jerk, pushing anyone in my path around, and having them (including muscular guys well over 6′ lol) apologize to me. But as I said, the negatives far outweigh the positives of a lifestyle like that, though being an unapologetic jerk to hipsters is a different story >:) I know how to handle myself and have dealt with all kinds of sketchy people, including gangsters (and being threatened to be killed by them if I screwed them over more than once, the standard token stuff) and been to sketchy parts. Interesting stuff, but not a life I want. Life’s not about always being the most “badass”. I seriously hate hipsters. I was vaguely interested way back in high school… then I found out what it was about, and became a metalhead. I don’t regret that decision and never will. I’d cut off my nuts and post a vid of me doing it on Youtube before I’d become a hipster.

        Most of these pansy white kids have Abercrombie bodies and think that means something. Hello, back in the old days when people had to do real physical work, they would consider someone with that kind of body a 98-pound weakling. I do. I believe that a man should be a MAN. Like seriously, what happened to the days when our idols were manly?

        LOLOLOLOL over 6’2″, 140lbs, and girly: the dude above just described my sister’s boyfriend (girlfriend?) perfectly. A totally effeminate “guy” and a complete hipster who looks somewhere in between a dumb kid and a tall girl. Grow the hell up you pathetic little boy.

        Advice to all hipsters that may read this: Grow the hell up and get a real job. Shave that pathetic ‘stache. Put on some normal-fitting jeans and a dress shirt and be the preppy pansy-ass white kid you were before the hipster bs because that’s you (which isn’t great, but still a vast improvement over being a hipster). Stop pretending to be from Brooklyn, or pretending to be badass in general. Stop pretending to be starving, the genuinely poor people out there (like me…) actually lead miserable lives. Our diet sucks ass. I don’t get to go out much for monetary reasons or enjoy myself in general. I have enough cash to buy myself and my girlfriend one new article of clothing each (and a cheap ones) every 6 months or so. If you want to be truly starving, support yourself (without your upper middle class parents) on a crappy min. wage job like I was doing. Maybe you’ll learn something. Being poor is not living ina $2400/mo loft in some fancy area. It’s living in a $800/mo sh*thole and still having trouble making ends meet. Or living on the street. You are not a nonconformist, you are acting the same as 99% of the other hipster douchebags, which is a huge population. Life isn’t about conformism, just do what the hell pleases you and don’t do what doesn’t. WTF does conformism fit into that equation? I f*cking hate these pretentious douchebags. Learn that there are some people in the world who actually live crappy, miserable lives and it’s not fun, trendy, or something to aspire to. I’m now trying to work towards getting a REAL education to get myself out of my shambles of a life spun out of control. Oh, and you want to be badass? Get sent to a max security prison in Texas (haha and last under 3 seconds).

        I’m not from Brooklyn, or the States in general, but damn do I feel for you guys. The hipster scene is bad enough where I live, I’d hate to imagine what Brooklyn’s like. Ok I’ll get off my soapbox now, sorry for my long-winded rant that probably broke some stupid hate-crime law somewhere lol.

      • Thanks for that very reasonable explanation. No wonder all of these kids at the university I go to think I play sports due to my frame. Most kids there are average…I grew up in the suburbs so I know what you’re talking about.

        I think it’s even funnier when I tell them I don’t play sports/watch them/and absolutely hate them and just work out and lift weights to sex up women and knock dudes out!

  3. You should do a male post and see what type of cankle females respond.

    • Actually, none will respond. The ratio of males to females on CL is like 100 to 1. Post an ad as a female and you will get hundreds of responses from the most pathetic specimens of humanity. Even if you ask for someone to saw their arms and legs off with a chainsaw and cannibalize them, it won’t stop them. I know, I’ve tried it.

      Post as a guy looking for girls and you’ll get nothing. You might get a couple of spam posts or hookers or transsexuals/gay guys. Otherwise nothing.

      The whole thing set my opinions of humanity down a couple of notches.

    • (OK, a bit OT here).

      I just saw this movie last night which restored my confidence in humanity. Two NON-CANKLED Euro-chicks have a lesbian experience in Rome and fall in love. It’s actually quite a good movie too. Boner-iffic!!!

      “Room in Rome”. Good to know there are still non-hipster artists out there. If you are attracted to women at all, you will enjoy.

  4. Bwahahaha — another instant classic!

  5. “…work at a recording studio in Williamsburg.” — Meaning “I recorded my friend’s shitty indie band on my 4-track and computer.”

  6. You couldn’t make up these replies! I’m sure there really is a Zelda that does those things, but she’s currently a lesbian….

    (I like this post much better than the ones that bring out the political fangs)

  7. Well Done!

    I would like to do one and submit it. Only with resumes.

    • Damn good idea. Half of the fun would be submitting a fake job posting, preferably for something in magazine publishing or “media”, and seeing what sort of walking wounded try to apply. The other half would be to post a typical hipster resume, and see what sort of scammers try to snag a new victim.

      • The only problem is that it might be easier to be found out. These idiots all have and actively use plenty of sites/search engines that they could probably use to find out if the job were legit or not.

        • Yeah, but the idiots applying probably won’t have the intelligence to use them.

          • It’s not even the intelligence. I am continually amazed at the sheer levels of denial used to justify passing up real jobs for one vaporware project in “media” that will probably happen only after the Dallas Cowboys win a shutout World Series. I used to see that all of the time, with people trying to warn these twits about companies that were nothing more than scams or sweatshops, and the twits jumping in anyway, figuring “Well, it won’t happen to me.”

          • As I posted below, Swatch started a watchmaking school in North Jersey. It’s a two year program.Tuition is FREE. Top graduatesare in high demand and can earn up to 100K working at the repair center of a well-known luxury brand like Rolex.

            The curriculum is very demanding. Getting in is no problem. why do they have trouble filling seats?

        • Just add to the post for the job that you are doing this ‘underground’ because you only want the best of the best to apply for the role. I would take it a step further and after you get some resumes have a girl call them back and arrange a meeting time. Have the meeting somewhere they will be in view of a public web cam and let the hilarity begin.

          No one will show up to meet Mr Cockbreath and everyone can watch him have his internal temper tantrum when he figures out he has been played as a idiot once again.

  8. Wow. Hummus and sex. It’s so obvious but it never would have occured to me that hummus is a part of every Josh’s sexual fantasies.
    Fucking predictable little freaks.

    And seriously that one dude is trying to pick up a chick by telling her that he’s not very confident?

    • When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Stating up front “I’m not really confident” is hipsterspeak for “I’m looking for someone to take care of me, and feed me, and wipe my bottom when I go boom-boom.” It’s truly amazing how many otherwise sane and rational women will fall for this, figuring that all this loser needs is love and support to turn into a success. They usually learn, but often not after kids interfere with a quick divorce.

      • They’re trying to make themselves out to be the “nice guy” like you see in romantic comedies, who is insecure and unsure of himself but just “such a great guy”. In reality, that guy does not exist. “Nice guys” the pushover kind, are always so focused on fighting back against these stereotypes they think exist that they have no identity outside of that and everybody around them has to deal with it. They think they’re better than everybody who isn’t a pushover little bitch.

        In reality, the people pretending to be nice guys are douchebags who can’t just be themselves because they have nothing to offer anybody and are nothing but what they have and the bullshit they do to come across as things they can never and will never be.

        Girls fall for it because they themselves (the type who go for guys like that) are so focused on staying away from/fighting against the stereotypical “jerk, asshole, etc” type that they can’t “see” guys except for in comparison to that stereotype. In reality, they end up getting with the very stereotype they so claim to want to avoid and fight against, only in a different disguise. It’s been the same type of guy all along and they can’t even see it.

        And around and around they all go, annoying the hell out of those of us who aren’t involved in that bullshit.

        • As Beavis and Butthead used to say “Sometimes you have to act like a wuss to get chicks!”

          Oh, and Fuck You Julia Roberts! Ever wonder how many women took up prostitution because they saw “Pretty Woman” and thought Richard Gere (why does any woman like that wimp I don’t know) was just one blow-job away?

    • I would like to mention that your name Zelda is the name of the princess in the Zelda games which are my favorite.

      NO! YA DON’T SAY!!!!

      Good to know that MBA in Finger Painting really paid off.

    • Yeah, but at least he didn’t talk about his feelings of “self-loathing” like that guy from the last Fishing for Hipsters post…

  9. LOL – this is beautiful!!. A great commentary showing that the hipster look at me movement has gone so far, that even a girl like Zelda isn’t unusual.

    The ad and the responses are fucking hilarious; lots of gold.

    • Oh, just wait ten years. That’s when we’ll be seeing lots and lots of Anakins and Amidalas, and that’ll be the exact name on their birth certificate. (Not all of them will be going as such. The sane ones, the ones wanting to foreswear their hipster ancestry, will put up with the incessant laughter and bullying until they moment they’re old enough to move out on their own. That’s when they legally change their names to something that isn’t a fucking “Star Wars” reference, and never see their parents again.)

  10. Professional references, available upon request:

  11. I love how all of these Hipster wanna meet this fake chic Zelda. They haven’t even seen what she looks like. Not one Hipster said send me a pic. Imagine Zelda was this FAT pig?
    The Hipsters will jump at anything to get laid.

    • Doughy megans need lovin’ too!

    • Hippies: Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll.

      Punks: Sex is sweaty and grimy and usually disgusting.

      Hipsters: Can’t get any sex.

      Any questions?

      • What the fuck is this – the hipster version of “The Big Chill”? Are they all going to make hummus while dancing to Arcade Fire.

        it’s like listening to rusty hinges on an endless loop.

      • “I have the Royal Tannenbaums soundtrack, too…”

        Of course you do, you vile, worthless, bedbug-infested, cultural Johnny-come-lately piece of hipster shit.

        • UGH, I HATE that stupid movie. I went to see it assuming it would be a comedy, not a non funny, faux sarcasm fest. Didn’t even watch the whole thing. The cast was pretty good, so it was extra disappointing.

  12. 150 years ago it was the Irish and their cholera and TB….today it’s hipsters and their bedbugs. Same infestation, different group.

  13. Not one person ever hinted for a second that Zelda could be a fake.

    I guess that’s part of their quirky Iowa naivety (to borrow a phrase Hawkeye Pierce used in a very different context).

  14. “I want to get arrested with you after being on the government ‘watch list’ for some time because our coexistence has proved too subversive for the good of America.”

    Yeah, they’ve really been subversive alright. More like dragging their hosh posh attitudes all around the Brooklyn I was BORN in and changing it into some artsy fartsy soon to be gentrified area that takes liberties in devaluing the REAL Brooklyn natives and their culture. It’s saddening. They can go suck it!

  15. jammy tribal metal.

    these mouthbreathers never fail to amuse me with their rabid pretentious airs.

  16. I definitely would love to see a male version of this. Maybe you could get one of the female commenters to write it?


    “Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Yah!”

  18. “I want to incorporate hummus into sex with you.”


  19. “I want you to help me drain my parent’s saving account in order to support my shiftless immature self-centered lifestyle.”

    That would be about the long and short of it.


    Get a life.
    Get a job.



    Basically states a comparison of the jobs that are produced from the hipsters who have factories in Brooklyn is NOTHING compared to 80 years ago.

    ” Even Brooklyn Brewery has only about 50 employees, small potatoes when you consider that Schaefer Beer’s Brooklyn factory—now a luxury building called Schaefer Landing—once had 1,000.”

    • Article claims Brooklyn “got its groove back” but go to the end, where…

      “Brooklyn’s story, then, doesn’t lend itself to a simple happy ending. Instead, the borough is a microcosm of the nation’s “hourglass economy.” At the top, the college-educated are doing interesting, motivating work during the day and bicycling home to enjoy gourmet beer and grass-fed beef after hours. At the bottom, matters are very different. Almost a quarter of Brooklyn’s 2.5 million residents live below the poverty line…”

    • Interesting comments section, though.

    • Some times I take a long “angry walk” from work to clear my head. Tuesday I walked down 5th ave in prospect park. Slow tues, couple om moms out shopping, dodging the fucking cyclists running red lights. Kind of quite until I get to this place called Gorilla Coffee or something. The place is packed wall to wall and out the door of 30 something scratchy beard wool hat (70 degrees Tuesday) she-men. Dozens of them , some with strollers. WTF are they doing at 1:30 in the afternoon hanging in a coffee shop? Dozens of them! This is an expensive neighborhood. How can the afford to do this? Houses here cost $ 1 million plus! Prospect Park used to be exclusive. Guess not no more

      • Prospect Park is still exclusive – it’s excluding people who can’t afford a million bucks for a house.

        From what you posted it appears there are a lot of parents in Ohio living on cat food.

      • Those are the new “Stay at Home Dads” and “Work at Home Dads”, who often have very successful, high earning wives, or high tech jobs with lots of freedom. It’s hilarious to hear them whine about how no one appreciates their hard work at home! HA! Get in line, assholes. Moms have been singing that tune for centuries, and still no one thinks much of childcare.

        • I agree. I worked from home for two weeks because my son was delivered by c-section.
          I prepared the meals, prepared formula, changed diapers, did laundry, etc.

          I found out I actually got more done because I didn;t have to attend meeting or have people stop and suck up my time with worthless questions.

          But our son slept, ate well and never kept us up. he maintained a schedule. My sister OTOH, had twin boys – both of them colicky.

          What I’ve found is when the kids become a bit older and mobile and REQUIRE your attention, want you to play with them – that to me is what really takes a lot out of you.

          My wife works from home. When our son was younger she took him to the park, library, museum and interacted with him 100%. No mommy time until i got home.

    • City Journal is one of my favorite magazines. Kay Hymowitz is usually spot on but I was put off a bit by the tone of the article.

      I think a better observation is Brooklyn as a modern day potemkin village – a playground. Everyone thinks alike, dresses’s like the Stepford douches.

      You won’t see any big businesses – manufacturing or otherwise coming back to Brooklyn. The douche whistles and cankle spaniels will never do anything as mundane as start a coat hanger factory. Oh no. It has to be quirky, fun, organic and whimsical. Heaven forbid they do or make anything useful. Think anyone in williamsburg would consider starting a maid service? Power washing business? Of course not.

      Swatch started a watchmaking school in North Jersey. Tuition is free, save for the cost of tools. Even in the current economy, top graduates can earn up to 100K working at a top notch repair center. Watchmakers are in extremely high demand.

      But the curriculum requires dedication (8 hours a day at the bench), discipline and hard work. Point is – many graduates went on to start their own businesses – some which employ close to a hundred people. How many do you think are in Brooklyn?

      My other issue iswith the saturation of ill-planned businesses. Even the most severely brain damaged understands that no neighborhood can support eight coffee shops per block and 50 food trucks in a 6 block radius. But these ass weeds still do it because most of them are playing with mommy and daddy’s money. There’s no risk,so there’s no incentive to do the research needed.

      Then there’s the lack ofbusineses we desperately need but don’t have.

      When we bought our house, home repairs were a breeze because we had two hardware stores about 4 blocks away. I also had an appliance parts vendor. They’ve all gone out of business. Was it Home Depot? Nope. The stores closed down because a) the kids didn’t want to take over established, profitable businesses and b) younger people are too stupid or lazy to do small home repairs (my neighbor actually called in a handyman to replace her electrical outlet covers). I hate going to Home Depot. It sucks up a major portion of my day. But I have no choice.

      I remember the typical weekend in Carroll gardens. The home owners would rent scaffolding to paint their homes. Every week there was a skip parked in front of a different house because the owners were re-modeling their buildings. Now these adult children can’t even be bothered to clean their apartments.

      Sorry for the rant.

      • You’re absolutely right; everyone today wants the house, but isn’t willing to put in the basic education and discipline required to maintain it.

        I just moved from a hipster-fied city neighborhood to a nice quite place in the country; my last week in the city, my neighbor — a 26-year old beardo who “played” guitar, never seemed to leave his house before 2pm, and was always stumbling home 12 hours later, with no apparent mode of income for his $2k+ monthly rental – came over and asked me, “hey dude, do you know anything about electricity?”. Assuming he wasn’t looking for details on the differences between an ohm, watt and volt, I asked him to clarify. As it turns out, all the appliances in his kitchen stopped working. So I naturally said, “did you check the breaker panel?” He stared at me blinking for 30 seconds, and bumbled, “uh… what’s that?”

        I literally had to show this twatwaffle where his fuse panel was located, and how to trip a breaker. Abracadabra, toaster and microwave were working again. Afterward I just stood at him and looked astounded, waiting for the other shoe to drop and have him ask me how to change a lightbulb.

        And of course, taking a play right out of the hipster manual, he shuffles me out of his house without so much as a thank you or other tacit acknowledgement of gratitude.

        How fuckers like this can survive beyond adolescence just astounds me.

        • “How fuckers like this can survive beyond adolescence just astounds me.”

          Because people (like you in this case) always seem to come along and help them with what they want. Let them do shit on their own and they will either die out or have to step up to the plate.

        • Our first neighbors were sort of wanna be hipsters. The husband…well he was useless. One day during summer I happened to notice his roof vent blew out – apparently the fan came loose and went flying off the shaft and blew out his vent over. I went over to tell him. he shrugged and went back to his TV. two weeks pass – and one hurricane – and i see squirrels going into his attic through the hole. Fuck ‘em.

          Later on, a few months later, twatwaffle (I love this term) has six guys of his buds over. he had new carpets installed and he had to reinstall his doors. Let me repeat – he needed six guys to re-hang his doors.

          Anyhoo…doors don’t fit. They needed to be cut down a tad. Borrows a cricular saw and some sawhorses (the guy was gonna cut them on the ground). Two hours later he comes over to borrow my belt sander. I ask to see the doors. It looked like a fucking angry beaver went town on them. I ask for the tape measure. They look at me as if I’m speaking in tongues.

          I get my tape measure. One door is shot. They cut about three inches off the bottom. I measure and strike a line for each door. Then I grab my hand plane and take off about 1/8″
          off one door in about three minutes. They looked at me as if I had sawed a woman in half.

          Four days later? he shows up at my door. he wants to borrow a screw driver – “the pointy kind”.

          • quote:
            Four days later? he shows up at my door. he wants to borrow a screw driver – “the pointy kind”.

            LMFAO. it’s shit like that, that scares and worries me. seriously.


        • It’s bad enough when the neighborhood becomes hipsterfied, but I warn everyone I know to get the fuck out of their neighborhoods when the hipsters gradually get replaced with Trekkies. It’s a subtle change, but one that’s vital. Hipsters won’t do house repairs because it’s beneath them, but they can usually depend upon a biannual visit from Mom and Dad in which Dad will fix shutters and clean out gutters. For you guys in Brooklyn, Thanksgiving means that all of the hipsters go back home to hit up Dad for more cash. Out here in Dallas, where the hipsters suddenly became homeowners because Dad wanted a tax writeoff, Thanksgiving means that the Home Depot is full of fathers picking up plywood and nails while Josh plays with the spraypaints and power tools.

          The danger, of course, is when the neighborhood goes from “edgy” to “tolerant of stupid hijinx”. The first implementers in an edgy neighborhood are the ones who convert the garage into an art studio or a welding shop, and they usually move out when they get sick and tired of everyone borrowing their tools and getting butthurt when they’re asked to return them. It’s when suddenly the neighborhood is known for long outdoor guitar jams or naked swimming pool parties that you want to run like hell. That’s about thye time the science fiction fans move in: they don’t know anything about home repairs, either, but they also can’t be bothered to set aside money for those repairs because that cuts into their costuming or gaming expenditures. They also generally don’t have parents willing to do repairs or pay for them, so they let the house rot around their ears. At this point, you have a neighborhood when you know someone set off a bug bomb because thousands of roaches migrate across the street. At this point, you’re better off with raccoons as neighbors, because raccoons are less likely to entertain themselves by flushing plastic garbage bags down the toilet “just because” and shit in the back corner of the yard because the toilet doesn’t work any more.

  21. It’s pretty simple really. Somebody who isn’t a man can’t teach his son how to be a man. These kids are mostly the offspring of kids who either grew up in the suburbs or in bumfucknowhere. The few fathers who actually are worth something and are capable, handy types don’t even bother to teach their pwecious wittle Josh or Ethan how to do simple things a homeowner or any man in general should know how to do. These kids probably have no clue how to fix pipes or tighten hinges or fix simple things like loose doorknobs or something hanging on the wall getting wobbly.

    Look on the bright side though: the need for every kind of tradesperson will definitely go up and you can overcharge the shit out of these little idiots. “Oh, this outlet cover badly needs to be changed. With parts and labor, I figure that’ll be about a grand, maybe more.”

    • Don’t laugh: I have a friend who does precisely that, mostly because they’ll stand around and pretend to understand what he’s doing and refuse to get the hell out of the way. He refers to the price increase as an “asshole tax”, especially when they lie to him about how “that light was like that when I found it.”

    • It’s worse than that.
      The average hipster views working people with utter contempt and really sees no difference between skilled trades and menial labor. To these little cockrags, ALL work is menial and performed by people they despise. Of course, ironically, the paid work they usually do is itself menial but in their own delusional world it is somehow artistic, creative or grandiose. For instance: a hipster coffee counter clerk is an artist because he makes smiley faces in the latte foam or the hipster bookstore stockboy is employed in “publishing”.
      Naturally by virtue of having a masters degree in Tibetan basket weaving or PhD in fingerpainting, the douchester is “educated” and “enlightened” above menial labor so what they do cannot be anything less than a magnus opus. These assholes can make cleaning a toilet look like a complex masterpiece and probably still manage to fuck it up.
      Only proles need to know mundane stuff such as knowing what tools are or how to use them even for simple tasks.

      So when you hear hipsters braying and quacking about a living wage, understand that its for their entry level unskilled labor that they’re demanding $25 an hour for. They, the highly educated demigods (in their own warped imaginations), really couldn’t give a shit less for anyone else.

      • Well, the only exception to this is if they finally deign to do this themselves so they can pretend to be worldly. At that point, changing out car spark plugs is a miracle comparable to the parting of the Red Sea. They’re willing to spend lots of time learning about wiring and woodworking if it means making something “whimsical”. If it means doing basic maintenance, though, fuck that.

      • But…. They’re open-minded, right???

        You ever see that Louis C.K. bit with him talking about kids these days acting too good for their shitty job, the entitlement? I can’t find it, but it reminds me of this generation of youths.

        I’m just annoyed by the bullshit storyline they give themselves. I’ve never come across any other types of people that truly know so little about themselves. Ask them to roughly describe themselves, and you think they’re talking about someone else, because from what what you’ve gathered and will gather, there’s no way in hell they’re anything what just dribbled from their face.

        Well, first off, they think it’s a huge ordeal to do, because their ego thinks they’re too complex and varied to be broken down into words. They need to get over themselves. I find it cute they dislike righteous religious folks, but they worship their (lack of) imagination and obviously living in an elitist, fictitious epoch. As I mentioned in another post: what they say and think of themselves is no where in align with what they actually do.

        They pride their “intellect” and “creativity,” lined with tenacity to challenge the norm… except THEMSELVES and others alike. It’s a f***ing joke, really. I feel like I’m the only one that notices in my town and seen as a pessimistic hater if I challenge it. They don’t see the ironical-contradiction in it, and they love irony too. They’re missing out on a good one! At least this site makes me feel sane.

        It’s not always easy to see the ugly or flaws in yourself, but you keep your mouth shut and not act like you’re mind is a probing surgical knife.

        • To note my last paragraph, we obviously dissect and ridicule them on here thus putting ourselves above them, so it sounds hypocritical.

          Beyond this site, in daily activity, I try to keep unassuming, even poking fun at myself if I ever sound elitist or typical. I don’t find myself to be better than others, plenty smarter and more knowledgable than me, but I will critique anyone who has the gull that thinks otherwise of themselves, even if not aware they’re doing it. I just can’t stand how parochial their sense of culture, their rubric for sophistication, and how it’s all packaged.

          I can only speak for myself, but I don’t think hipsters realize they’re the only group most people may hate. There’s others I can find annoying but to each their own, not everyone is going to be like me. The difference is they don’t have a sickening moral elitism and false sense of identity. Long as they can keep reasonably unassuming and a reasonable self depiction, I could care less what they do.

        • Believe me, Bosco, we get it. We all do. That’s why we come to this site. That’s why I’m a faithful reader of this site, even though I live in the Philly area and not NYC. This is the only site that isn’t either run by hipsters or pretending to be a hipster-bashing site while actually praising them. That’s the hilarious thing really is when hipsters try to bash other hipsters. It’s almost as hilarious as when they try to act tough.

          What it is, is two completely different worlds. I’ve seen it firsthand, growing up in one and then moving to another. That Bill Whittle guy had it dead right when he mentioned perspective. This isn’t self-esteem movements coming home to roost though. It’s the magnification of the differences between the privileged and the non-privileged, and a convergence of different things. Over the past however many decades, everything has penetrated their little suburban world. Everything except for reality.

          They’ve been allowed to pick and choose what parts they take from everything, including the world around them and the realities of it. People like Diddy packaged hip-hop (and thus its culture/identity and that of the people living in certain places) in nice, shiny, watered-down and easily generalized boxes for them. People used them for their money and continue to do so, and because of this, they allow the suburbanites to be the way they are. The government does the same thing. They make it just fine to harass somebody repeatedly or provoke anything but the second you fight back, you’re facing charges. The schools do the same thing. These kids and even their parents have been protected from reality for decades. These kids are the product of all of that.

          The funny thing is I say “kids” but in reality it goes up to people in their 50s. I don’t hold any ill-will towards any of them, nor do I blame them. I feel sorry for them. They’ll never be happy or free or independent. Everything they do is based on other people whether it be their parents, their peers, or whoever else. They’re under enormous pressure from all sides to conform and they could never in a million years break free from the world they live in. They’re not capable of it. It’s sad really.

          Still, you can be damn sure I’m going to fight back when they affect those of us who don’t live in their world. Tolerance goes both ways.

    • Its not about gender, it’s about laziness. I can fix all types of stuff myself, they simply lack the will to figure it out.

      • I agree but what I meant was that usually a son learns these things from his father or from the men around him. If those men don’t themselves know how to do it then they can’t teach the kid how to.

        Obviously no matter what your gender, not knowing how to do basic things is a very stupid way to go through life. Being able to do basic and especially more advanced upkeep puts you at an advantage over those who can’t and saves you money in the long run.

  22. They’d rather have 10 rilly kewel artisinal coffee shoppes, “curated” vintage clothing or cupcake shoppes in a 3 block radius than open a place that people really need, like a regular, non-overpriced, non-artisanal hardware store. But having a hardware store is, like, like, not as kewel as yet another fugly art gallery, maaaahn.

  23. It’s a delusional sense of entitlement, exactly. Plus narcissistic personality disorders. these kids are a result of what happened when Generation X did too many drugs and procreated….they gave birth to aliens…..end of story.

  24. Oh good lord… HOW COULD THOSE PEOPLE ACTUALLY RESPOND?!?! hilarious/scary.

    DieHipster, how come you didn’t write anything about that obnoxious article in the Times about the “literary underclass” that hangs out in a “salon” on the UES talking about poststructuralism and thinking they’re hot shit?

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