Today’s hipster beating.

Today I saw Zachariah the 34 year old photographer of sidewalk gum who also holds a 4-year liberal arts degree in artisanal tea brewing skipping to a weekday afternoon urban adult tug of war match in an abandoned factory in zany Bushwick. So I scotch taped him to the sidewalk and jack-hammered his skull in. End of story.

62 thoughts on “Today’s hipster beating.

  1. Wow, he’s a Barista and a photographer – what a valuable addition; he really fills a void, after all Neu Breuklein is badly in need of some more talented 30 something youngsters that can snap photos and make latte foam swans.

    Too bad Zachariah met up with the hipster beater before he could bless Brooklyn with more of his whimsical creativity.

    • I would have skipped the library paste and move right to a two part epoxy adhesive, and unloaded a can of expandable foam in his ass.

      But that’s me…

      • …not library paste…scotch tape…arrrgh.

      • The Hipster Beater uses materials such as scotch tape, spaghetti, rubberbands, spider web, etc to represent how easy it is to restrain a Q-Tip limbed man/boy in women’s jeans – in case you were wondering why he never uses stronger restraints.

        • Ahhh…a man who’sefficient AND knows his enemy.

          Good…very good..(cue evil, maniacal laughter).

          Honestly these beating get better and better. I wonder if he takes pictures of coffee with an olde tyme ironic box camera where you have to light flash powder?

          • I’ll bet the Mast Bros. use one of those old timey cameras to take cabinet photos of themselves sucking each other off and rubbing each other’s taints with their beards. Yeah, I bet they’re a couple of regular Matthew Brady’s over there in Ye Olde Neue Breuklynnn.

          • Hipster = Bizzarro MacGyver





    • You know, I supported the protest, but how long did they really think they could squat in a park, and what did they think they were accomplishing by sitting there for months?

      GO HOME! If you haven’t made your point in a month, annoying everyone around you sure isn’t going to help. all the normal people have gone home, now just the hipsters are left.

  3. It only took him four years to finish that Liberal Arts degree?

    • Ah yes, and our friend Quentin is also in a band:
      “”Quentin Rowan, a notorious Brooklyn shut-in and armchair philosopher found an outlet in a bass playing alter ego. As the possessed manipulator of the low frequencies he is able to conjure the not-yet-dead ghost of Peter Hook and John Entwistle while in his trance-like state.

      Oh the drama

      • Jesus, what a waste of oxygen this pseudo-intellectual hipster cliche is. Love how the writer perfectly pegs both him in that Haunted Library article, his pretentious doucheshop, and 2011 Williamsburg.

        This should send some Like Yah’s running for cover.

      • Hooky and The Ox would have taken this fucking pretentious asshat of a hipster lice-farm to the shed, and turned him into a shredded piece of Gibson jerky. Nothing fucking irritates me more than when hipsters casually associate themselves with actual, talented people, and then act as if somehow their greatness will osmotically transfer to said hipster’s talentless, PBR-swilling existence, whose only value to the world is the sales tax he pays on the Parliament cigarettes and fixie chains that he buys with daddy’s monthly allowance check.

      • “The Eaves aspire to sell you their strange elixir of invention and romance. Made of parts as diverse as the members, the formulas are newer abstractions of familiar antidotes?sounds that wear off the listener?s inclination to dismantle, inspect and assimilate by categorization and move them to simply ‘feel’. Bending angular white funk/no wave into the best of 60′s pop experimentalism through a prism of guitar driven pink noise ala the Creation Records set. The result is a unique form that is greater than the sum of its parts. Blind to expectation. Modern. As potent to the bedroom as the dance floor.”

        “As diverse as the members”? How are they diverse? They look exactly the same. They have the identical I’m-a-tortured-artist-nobody-understands-me-you-wouldn’t-get-it look on their faces.

  4. “…conjure the not-yet-dead ghost of Peter Hook and John Entwistle..”

    Entwistle? What Do they put in that PBR?

    The only way this guy will ever come close to emulating John Entwistle is to die from a cocaine overdose.

    • “notorious shut-in” aka paranoid schizophrenic whose parents sent him to Brooklyn to get him out of their house.

  5. White House shooter arrested. Nice mugshot…he’s a pubic-bearded urban lumberjack!

  6. Well, it appears that someone else is tired of the hipster parents out there:

    Speaking of which, I wonder what happened to ol’ Matt Gross? Did he finally leave New York because the money ran out, or because every bar in town told him that his daughter was more welcome than he was?

  7. Hey there calling from Melbourne Australia…we have a heavy Hipster infestation downunder.
    any help would be great…I went to see the latest hertzog movie last night and couldn’t get a park because about 300 fixed gear bikes had spilled onto the road…finally I got into the theater and when the lights went out I yelled “Hipsters Suck Dogs Balls”…no snappy come backs from the crowd which proves they do…

    • “Hipsters Suck Dogs Balls” – haha I love it!

    • You can isolate the virus by having the appropriate authorities establish a new city or town named Brooklyn or Williamsburg with a main drag called Bedford Avenue. Rents should be in the A$ equivalent of US$ 3,000 to 4,000. Even new units should look like hovels. The infected cells will flock there on their own to the relief of normal people.

    • You guys pretty much wrote the book “1001 Ways to Start a Fight” and that’s the best you can do? c’mon, mate. ;)

  8. Nice excoriation of Occupy movement on Canadian TV

    • Yet this only seems to hurt the people who have to get up every morning to go to work for an honest day’s pay. Clogging up the subway and harassing people? The cops should not arrest anyone for beating these fucks, or even shooting them as this, again, hurts the regular people.

      Fucking college students getting up and leaving class in protest… didn’t they pay a nice sum in tuition already for said class? Goes to show that college kids, mostly in liberal arts degrees of some sort, have no fucking clue and are spoiled fucks. Meanwhile the engineering and science students are buckling down in preparation for finals since they’ve already paid for the courses and are not entitled to a refund.

      • Icame home for lunch today and the wife had on CNN. The clip they were showing was the one of the cop dragging woman getting dragged by her backpack through the street. She immediately goes into shrill hysterics mode: THEY’RE DRAGGING HER BY HER HAIR!!!!”
        No you stupid cunt. Obvuilsy you’ve never had your hair pulled . The dumb bimbo’s arms were flailing. Had she been dragged by her hair (and the rest of the video clearly showed she wasn’t) both her hands would have been on her head.

        A on old retired cop told me that when he had to deal with protestors in the 70′s staging sit-downs and would not move after several requests all he had to do was pull up on their hair and they had no choice but to get up. Then, when their abdomen was exposed he’d nail them with a their baton.

        Jc, I think the folks who are pissed off at this vermin will get little comfort from the cops. The cops are targets. Unless Obama plans to open a can of whup ass and unleash the national Guard, tear gass and rubber bulletsand authorize the use of force, we’re in this for the long haul. I think the breaking point is goingto be when commuters, construction workers, truck drivers AKA regular people snap and start picking up pipes, bottle and 2X4′s and start unleashing the mother of all beatings on these assholes.

        I do not deny them their right to a protest. But this isn’t a protest. This is mayhem. It’s chaos – no coherent message and now they’re destroying business of hardworking New Yorkers whose only crime is earning a living near Wall Street.

        From what I’ve read this entire debacle is the brainchild of Ad Busters, up in Canada (and allowing the paranoid in me to rear it’s ugly head, I think Geeorge Soros is behind this as well). Can’t the get warrants against the ringleader and charge them with inciting a riot? Anything? Tape kilos of horse to their fixies?

        Right now my stomach’s churning. I have to head into philly tomorrow and the me monkeys blocked off the bridges today. I’m hoping someone who has get into the city ASAP loses their marbles and mows down forty or fifty of these cocksuckers in a Tahoe.

        But you gotta love these DNA strand girlie men who bravely spit in a cop’s face and then scream “HEY MAN! WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME!?! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING MAAAAAAN!! OWWW!!!…while the rest of the spidermonkeys start screeching about rights and democracy.

        No assholes…there’s nothing in our constitution that allows you to damage property and prevent people from earning a living.

        So here we are……I can’t get to work…and these trust fund crotch droppings keep yelling Zack in a crowded coffeehouse.

        • NOTE: The “stupid cunt” comment was geared to the CNN commentator not my wife.

          ANd no she’s not looking over my shoulder.

    • Who the fuck does that bitch think she is anyhow? She’s a multimillionaire, just like all the celebrities coming down there to show their “support.” It must’ve been a real chore for her to leave her expensive apartment just to do such a thing.

      Just like those goddamn PETA celebs, charity of the day celebs, and vote or die shitbags.

    • Man, I’ve always wanted to make rape to that chicks face, now she’s just another piece of socialist trash. I mean, I’d still do it, but it would be motivated by hate now. Such a shame.

  9. And the plague continues to spread:

    You know, the article makes one really good point. A shitty economy is a perfect breeding ground for these viruses, because then they have plenty of excuses as to why they don’t do anything besides play. Get unemployment down to 3 percent or less, and it’s less a matter of their saying “The Man is keeping me down” than admitting “I’m too lazy to pull down my pants when taking a shit.”

    • Aloft is a hotel chain. There’s one a mile from our home. You should see the classy jerkoffs that flock to that place: Douchebag middle managers who dance with their ties around their heads, juiced up guidos, bitchy secretaries and hair stylists and nail technicians look to fulfill their “Pretty Woman” fantasies.

      Every weekend the cops are always out there breking up fights-usually with some drunken, hysterical cooze, sitting on the curb, dolphin crying to her bimbo friend.

      • “Dolphin crying”? I like that, and may have to steal it. (One of my best friends created “Chihuahua Car” to describe the same sort of crying, where the person blubbering sounds as if you replaced the starter on your car with a live Chihuahua.)

    • a subculture of men and women typically in their 20s and 30s who value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter

      God! Where have I heard that one before? That whole article made me sick. I expected something about rising rents and people being kicked out of their apartments to make way for the me-monkeys. Something about the death of all culture these shit-for-brains touch. No, Instead we get a fucking Trey Cockasucko jerkoff rant about what is hip.

      Even NPR has gone down the organic drain now.

      • I look at it as a symptom, mostly of the hipster obsession with having to be Seen. I really can’t blame NPR for running this, in the same way I really can’t blame the Times for its constant hipster pud-pulling. Ultimately, both sites are dependent upon getting readers in order to justify ad rates, and hipster antics are always good for the clicks. (Half of the readers of this piece are our classic linguini-legged beardos telling Maw-Maw and Goo and Gam back in Dogfelcher Falls that they’re at the crest of this beautiful wave of hipster appreciation. The other half are people like us, reading this and reaching for the shotgun full of rock salt.)

    • And the folks at the Brooklyn Paper wonder why they are such a joke to us. Nothing remotely relevant to actual news and becomes a whine fest of entitlement.

    • Thanks for the tip! Maybe in a month or so, when the trails harden up and the ice on the lakes is thick enough, I’ll hitch the dogs up, and make a trip down to this fancy-dan “dry goods store” I been hearin’ about.

      Yep, I reckin’ I’ll get me a barrel of nails, some of them sody-biscuits, and a new bucket of lard. Think I’ll treat myself to a new spitoon. The wife’s been a might poorly lately, and she’s been usin’ mine. I think she might be a lunger, and not long for this world.

      That reminds me, I should pick up another case of that opium lung tonic. The wife’s taken a fondness to it lately, especially since we buried our third youngest from the scarlet fever, last spring.

      I s’pose nobody will mind if I chance to raise my cheer at the saloon next door, with a bottle of sasparilly and a licorice whip?

      Hope that there “dry goods store” will take some gold dust and pelts as trade. Damn hoople-heads!

      • I don’t know. That newfangled M.E. Moses up the way might be a better choice. The city slickers call it a “big store,” but I can buy an axe handle without hearing the owner go “Like yah, like yah!” all damn day.

    • Boerdumb Hill.

    • Every time I hear the word “curated” I want to hurl.

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