This week’s i-Stole report.
Posted: October 30, 2011 Filed under: The i-Stole Report 195 Comments »This is this week’s North Brooklyn i-Stole report taken directly from the Brooklyn Paper. Welcome to Brooklyn Megan, Josh, Toby, Caleb, Morgan, Zack, Molly, Ethan, Chloe, Zoey, and Hayden!
A man had his MacBook stolen on Broadway on Oct. 9. The victim told cops that he was between Havemeyer Street and Marcy Avenue and conversing online with his mother at 11:26 pm when a masked man approached and grabbed the laptop. After a brief struggle, the thief overpowered the man and got away with the computer, the visage of his mother still on the screen.
A crook snatched a laptop from a man at a pizza shop on Seventh Avenue Oct. 8. The 26-year-old victim told cops that he set down his MacBook laptop on a table at Smiling Pizza at Ninth Street at 9 pm, then walked away for two minutes. That was enough time for the crook to snatch his $1,400 computer — and then disappear.
A mugger stole an iPhone and more on Oct. 8 on Gates Avenue. The victim was near Washington Avenue at 7:20 pm when the thug walked towards the victim, punching him in the face and demanding, “Give me what you got! Don’t look at me!” The victim handed over his iPhone and $110.
A crook stole a wallet from a straphanger on the Q train on Oct. 7. The 28-year-old victim told cops that the subway was near Seventh Avenue at 5:20 pm, when a woman bumped into her. The victim didn’t notice anything — until she arrived at her destination about 40 minutes later and discovered that her wallet, along with the $25, credit cards and YMCA membership card inside, was gone.
A mugger stole a woman’s iPhone in her own building on S. Fifth Street on Oct. 7. The woman was entering her building between Bedford and Driggs avenues at about 5:23 pm when the thief pushed her into a hallway, displayed a pipe, and demanded, “Shut up, give me your money!” She gave up her wallet and her iPhone.
A thief stole a woman’s iPhone on Oct. 7 on Flatbush Avenue. The victim was talking on her device near Willoughby Street at 5:35 pm when the thug grabbed her from behind and threw her to the ground. The thief threatened, “B—h, if you try anything, I’ll punch you in the face!” He then snatched her iPhone and dashed off.
A scoundrel stole a fancy bike on Third Avenue on Oct. 6. The 23-year-old cyclist told cops that he parked and locked his $1,500 black and silver Giant bike near Eighth Street at 11 pm, then came back about an hour later and found it gone.
A teen thief snatched a fancy cellphone from a woman on Prospect Park West on Oct. 6 — but he didn’t get far, cops said. The 37-year-old victim told cops that she was texting while walking near 15th Street at 4 pm when the jerk snatched the iPhone from her hand — then ran away. Cops arrested a 13-year-old suspect the same day.
A robber got away with an iPhone on Marcy Avenue on Oct. 6. The victim had just exited the G train at Flushing Avenue at 9:31 pm when the thief swiftly snatched the iPhone and dashed away.
My only comment is…Bwahahahahahaaha!
He put his MacBook down on a table at a pizza place and “just walked away for two minutes”? Hey Caleb, this ain’t Starbucks. Moron.
A teen thief snatched a fancy cellphone from a woman on Prospect Park West on Oct. 6 — but he didn’t get far, cops said. The 37-year-old victim told cops that she was texting while walking near 15th Street at 4 pm when the jerk snatched the iPhone from her hand — then ran away. Cops arrested a 13-year-old suspect the same day.
13? Zoe got robbed by a thirteen year old? Maybe it’s time to invest in self defense classes instead of artisinal unicycle juggling.
Or better yet, GO BACK TO IOWA!!!
No matter what city you’re in, you don’t leave a laptop on a table while you aren’t actually holding it. In my opinion no one deserves to have their stuff stolen, but this guy is about as close as you can get to it being justified.
That dont happen in Portland or better yet in the suburbs. Time to tame these urban savages with gentrification and project demolishment.
If this wasn’t an obvious troll, I’d snort “This doesn’t happen in Portland? You’ve obviously never lived there.” The biggest thieves of all in the most hipster-infested areas of Portland are hipsters themselves. Of course, it’s okay for a hipster to steal from a neighbor, a friend, or a relative because it’s his due. Steal from one of these kleptos, though, and his butthurt is so great that he’s a walking Goatse poster.
13 year old beat the living crap out of transplants on a daily basis.
The cops are laughing their asses off back at the local precinct.
They like to believe that people can and will be good for the sake of it. Or at least pin their hopes on that become more widespread. To them, they feel the world can be candy coated if we wanted it to be and rid ourselves of negative energy and all that crap. And of course they feel that it is the person next you’s responsibility in watching out for their stuff while they go get something or go to the bathroom.
The iPhone is just another oblivious moron hipster who shouldn’t be allowed out into the real world.
You have to realize that 99.9% of the hipsters are people who grew up in wealthy lily-white suburbatopias with their parents making anything resembling real world issues disappear with their wads of cash.
Some might say that we should feel sorry for the transplanted, as they are naive and do not know any better. But they would be wrong. I still hate them.
If not that, they are fed enough shit at liberal arts college to think socialism/marxism is possible, that everyone would do their part and get along, no way would the party decide not to dissolve like Stalin did. Cute on paper, would break down in practice. They love the idea, because they think they could contribute by making shitty art; they’re useless in a capitalist society.
They’re useless in any society as their “art” brings little to no joy or startle the senses in a good way.
right, because capitalism is working so great. stupid argument you got there.
did you actually go to college? Do you REALLY think that’s what they teach?
Or are you just parroting Limbaughisms?
Capitalists love hipsters, and vice versa. After all, they are all trying to be entrepreneurs, and they love buying shit. In a socialist country, they’d have to get real jobs. And as for their “art”? Sorry Caleb, we prefer this style called “socialist realism”. It takes TALENT.
Marxism does not require people to be selfless and altruistic; capitalism is what requires this. You have to work to enrich a tiny minority which society could easily get on without. And you have to deal with their preachy kids moving into your “nabe.”
As for this crime report, any sane person would look at this and NOT want to move to Brooklyn. I mean I understand that this is happening partially because these individuals make themselves easy targets, but I’ve lived in enough crime ridden parts of my home city to know that I wouldn’t want anything to do with this place.
I also found it funny that one robber’s threat was to punch the victim in the face. My experience was that muggers use guns. I’ve been punched in the face plenty of times, so it just doesn’t hold the intimidation factor of getting shot.
Guns aren’t too common in muggings here. It’s usually knives, bats, pipes or taking the victim by surprise and wailing on them. The crooks figured that hipsters are weak little pussies who grew up a sheltered lifestyle so all it takes is a threat of a punch.
NYC has less crime in past years but still has it’s bad spots and many people do their best to avoid a situation like those above by: being out a sensible time, being aware of their surroundings, not show off anything expensive, and/or trying to move out of a bad neighborhood. Hipsters do the exact opposite. It should be common sense not to flash your nice Apple product out in the open, especially at night but these are hipsters we’re talking about.
Yeah, a large part of crime prevention is just situational awareness. If guns aren’t being used, that’s a plus. Knives are another story. There are a lot of people out there claiming they can teach you to take on a knife-armed attacker unarmed. Bullshit. If that guy wants to stab you he will most likely succeed. Like Rex Applegate said, grab ANYTHING that can be used as a weapon…perhaps a Macbook.
But punch in the face? They’ll have to do better than that.
You got it.
I will take a punch, even a ass kicking, to keep something worth 1500 (as I had to work for that money), but a gun? all bets are off. I don’t wanna get shot.
Yeah. Marxism doesn’t require one to be selfless or altruistic because you have no other choice in the matter and you have the threat of violence, penalties and incarceration otherwise if you choose to keep everything you earn.
“Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under socialism, the opposite is true.” – Polish proverb
…or to put it another way:
Welcome to Brooklyn – don’t let the door hit you in the ass!
“The 23-year-old cyclist told cops that he parked and locked his $1,500 black and silver Giant bike …”
$1500. For a bike? A bike?!
What kind of 23-year-old ass clamp spends one and a half grand on a bicycle?!!
Is that what you do with the birthday money from Grandma?
My friend just bought an excellent 2000 Olds Intrigue, with a new transmission and four new tires for $1300. It came with headlights, a roof, windshield, heater, places for passengers to sit, and a trunk. His car is also harder to steal than a bicycle.
And he doesn’t have to pedal it like a 9-year-old paperboy.
Plus he’s got $200 left over, in case he ever wants to go to Walmart and buy 4 bicycles. But since he’s an adult, I doubt that’ll ever happen.
I haven’t enjoyed myself this much since I saw Tony Curtis in “King Lear”:
“How shah-puh den a soipent’s toof id iz to have a tankliss chi-uld”.
“Yonda lies da castle of my fuddah.”
HA! We could do this all day, no? i’d love a translator program that would take shakespeare and break it down into Brooklynese.
Great T-shirt “Shakespeare company of Bensonhurst”.
“ASS CLAMP!?! Priceless!
I thought to myself, what would Pat I. write? — WWPIW
Seriously. You win two free internets for Ass Clamp.
Anyone that spends 1500 on a bike than locks it up in NYC at NIGHT no less deserves what they get. Bikes get stolen in NYC. This is not news. Once when I was in school, some thieves too the whole damn rack of bikes! And the rack. I did t care, as I know that bikes get jacked so I had a cheap one.
Sheeee-it. Bikes get stolen EVERYWHERE ON THE PLANET. Any idiot knows this.
These sandal-wearing naturist dew-guzzlers think they’ve got some sort of aura of immunity because they have a degree in “social equity studies”, so they think they’re “down with the homies”.
Yeah, bikes get stolen everywhere, but in NYC they disappear All. The. Time. if you ride and don’t take your bike inside, you will lose several a year. I have lived in 15 cities and a few other countries, but the bike theft in NYC cannot be rivaled.
..And you’ll get much more sympathy from a cop if your 2000 Intrigue was broken into and stolen.
A 1500 dollar bike? I would think they’d get right on the horn, call about 50 other patrol cars and they’d all stand around point, laugh and mock you unmercifully”.
And take pictures with THEIR I-Phones.
Whenyou don’t earnit – you don’t care about it. Period.
You may laugh, but I knew one of these geniuses who had his bike stolen in Dallas a while back, and reported it as a “stolen vehicle”. He couldn’t understand why the cop was so pissed when the cop discovered it was a bike, and he lost it with the cop when the police department wouldn’t send a team down to take fingerprints. The first thing the cop noted was “You know, if you’d locked it up, it wouldn’t have been taken,” which was absolutely true, and that just made the dweeb cry that much more about the injustice of the universe.
Cannot believe hipsters are here in Dallas…. of all places…
Last night, a friend invited me out to the Angelika Theater because it’s running live-feed showings of “The Walking Dead”. Not a problem, I thought, except that the theater was FULL of hipsters. The whole uniform was there: the cute animal hats, the big glasses, the goofy “ironic” haircuts, the whole works. Let’s put it this way: I have a plecostomus in my fishtank at home that has more of a chin than about half of these idiots. Worse, they simply would NOT shut the fuck up the whole time. (I could understand talking during commercial breaks, and I settled for putting an iPod in my ears so I didn’t have to listen to one moron answering his phone “All hail Josh the Great and Powerful!” every fifteen seconds. It’s when one would get up to go pee-pee, and he called it that, and seven or eight would give him an update on the action when he came back. At about 120 decibels, the nasal honks went past shattering your ear bones and rooted deep in your soul.)
Fucking awful. Hipsters spoil the normalcy of everything.
Where the hell is a *real* zombie apocalypse when you need one?!
Every bit of butthurt is worthy of a CSI style investigation.
I was hoping someone would post this! Pretty much sums it up.
Even better, $1500 for a Giant. The only people dumb enough to buy Giants are those with more money than brains.
Why the fuck would anyone be conversing with his mother at 11:26 PM in the middle of the street on a POS macbook? Other than the hey look at me…I’m unique and quirky. More like hey look at me…now rob me. Now you know is mommy is going to buy his dumb ass another one which will get promptly stolen again cause these fucking i da hoe an freaks don’t learn their fucking lesson.
“A boy’s best friend is his mother.”
*snork* at the Norman Bates
Did some other black bang his mom …. ?
The general ones with the pickpocket (yo, secure your wallet) and the people being mugged for phones you can’t necessarily write up to hipsterpidity, that sounds more like general crime. But the laptops… Who the HELL leaves a $1400 laptop alone for even two seconds? And what was he doing standing/sitting/walking down the street talking on a laptop for? Had he already been mugged for his iPhone? None of it justifies the thieves, but if you make yourself an easy target, guess who they’ll pick first.
“Mommy, send more money…things like rent, artisinal foods, $200 avant garde post modern t-shirts, cover charges, quirky rooftop parties and unique fixies cost a LOT more here in Ye Olde Breuklyn than they do back home in Minnesota…and now I need a new Macbook.”
I’m sure his mom was in a different time zone, thus available for a 11pm chat with her loser offspring.
If you have an expensive computer, you don’t carry it in plain view, or leave it alone. Ever. You get what you ask for.
I like how they describe things as “fancy.” That’s how they would’ve done it back in the good ol’ days. They should’ve described the 13 year old mugger as a rapscallion and an urchin.
A rakehell and scofflaw.
Or an imp.
Won’t be long before they start posting about pocketwatches, powdered wigs and parasols on Ye olde police log.
“Forsooth! A ne’er-do-well ragamuffin has absconded with Mater’s artisanal lace antimacassar! Summon a constable at once!”
“My manservant shall drub him to within an inch of his life with my authentic bumbershoot, as I wax my ironic moustaches to an elegant curl.”
LOL I say old chap- good show good show
I’ve got a bit of a chill, Jeeves. Please throw another orphan on the fire.
The telly man hooked up our cable? Simply smashing! Now that’s 6 channels to chose from!
Wot? Sire, thine own nephew? A Thoroughly unprincipled scoundrel.
Romeo, Romeo where the fuck aht thou romeo?
yes and threw something in there about common tomfoolery would have been priceless. bunch of slapdicks
These hammerheads are just begging to be jumped. Such easy targets. I’m surprised it doesn’t happen more. They won’t fight back, they have no balls, and they’re dumb as fuck for walking around flashing thousands of dollars in high technology….Maybe it’s time to move back to Cedar Rapids where the only people who jump you are Jehova’s Witnesses, and they just want to talk.
I see this every day. They sit next to the door of the subway playing with their iCrap. Door starts to close, had comes in, good bye iCrap. I try and help out the tourists (the real ones, like the one visiting NYC from another country. Keep the camera out of site on the subway. Subways are pretty safe, just keep don’t be stupid. Sometimes we converse. I try and send them to the non-touristy parts of the city. And yes, sometimes I send them into Williamsburg for the sure entertainment value.
I’m shocked how often I see Caleb, Hummus, and their rooftop butt buddies sitting there on the subway right next to the door with a MacBook open on their laps. This does not only happen on the L train at Lorimer or Bedford – I’m seeing this shit on the A & C at 2am, even the 4 & 5; it really is like they are just begging their shit to be swiped.
You are not in the midwest suburbs anymore Hayden – but please feel free to go back for good.
I don’t use electronic devices out in public much less on the sidewalks of major metropolitan cities.
Then again, I don’t live in NYC.
I do carry a Smith & Wesson titanium snub nose .357 in my waistband along with a healthy sense of awareness.
It’s not about major metropolitan or otherwise, and in none of these occasions would flashing some hardware – snub nosed or not – have improved the situation any, because this is petty theft, not life-threatening situations.
It’s called “not being an idiot,” with perhaps a refresher course on “not looking like a target.” You don’t leave your bike out at night. You don’t leave your laptop unattended, and you don’t pay more attention to your texting than your immediate surroundings. You lock your doors. You don’t have to be militant about it. Just cognizant of it.
This is about as close to Social Darwinism as you can get, and I hate the concept of Social Darwinism. You want them to understand what living in the city’s like, you let them make these stupid mistakes and watch on as the cops shrug their shoulders and do nothing, because nobody’s gonna put out an APB for their or anybody else’s iCrap.
Until one of the calebs have a politically connected and powerful attorney for a parent. Then it’s “use the tax payers’ resources for 1 person” time.
Are you kidding me right now? Who in the hell leaves their laptop in a public place for 2 minutes? I am a teacher in a rural area and if kids leave their phone or ipod out on their desk unattended for 2 seconds it is stolen. These people are morons!
No doubt, but I live near this cancer and I know if this shitscarf is owning up to 2 minutes, it’s more like 10-15, or as long as it took to smoke an American Spirit and chat up some floursack dress wearing canklesauras mess. Even if it was 2 minutes, you don’t leave your shit unattended in New York. I was extremely surprised that I once forgot to lock the door to the street in my apartment and went off to Connecticut for the weekend only to come back and find everything intact. I did however lock the door to my apartment. I guess whomever wandered into my hallway probably wasn’t interested in my vast collection of found umbrellas and magazines.
I was taking a course this summer and I saw the same thing happen. I was in the library
and Mr. Scarf and ski cap-in 95 degree heat after yah-ing loudly into his I-Phone drops it on the table next to his laptop and takes off.
After ten minutes this guy comes in spots the i-gear and asks, “Is this yours”?
Nope
So he gathered everything up and took it.
Guy comes back. he was in serious butthurt mode. Then he started yelling at the librarian — who’s desk was 30 yards away on the first floor: Why didn’t you stop him?
I’ve seen that elsewhere, too. Never mind that the librarian has eighteen other things to do during the day, and gets paid to do those other things. Didn’t she see that Joshie left his phone and laptop on the table? Doesn’t she Understand that she has to drop everything and guard his stuff with her life until he deigns to come back?
“shitscarf” Thats a keeper!
Thanks SY!
And here all the while I thought “floursack dress wearing canklesaurus mess” was the real keeper… such alliteration driving that ugly picture into my mind… brilliantly done, sir!
“when a woman bumped into her…”
WHAT A DUMB FUCK!!!!
this one is my favorite. you know you’re not from nyc when you don’t immediately check for your wallet when someone knocks into you when there’s plenty of space around.
I grew up in the midwest, in one of the safest cities in America per capita. I would never, ever, leave so much as an empty backpack unattended, let alone a $1200 laptop. Maybe because my parents taught me common sense and the value of an item.
‘value of an item’
It is exactly that – since they grew up winning 7th place trophies, not keeping score of games in gym class due to parental pressure, and being told that every full diaper was an amazing creation, these soft fucks have no respect for the products of somebody’s hard work. The parents created a lot of these sustainable locally crafted monsters, and when Harrison and Zoey call home in Ohio to cry that their I-Shit was jacked, the parents are forced to pay for raising such a precious widdle schnowfwake.
You clearly didn’t see the shitted diaper installation at Famous Accountants.
Jeez! I thought you were joking about that.
http://bushwickbk.com/2009/10/21/famous-accountants-you-dont-yet-know/
http://famousaccountants.wordpress.com/
New York is itself one of the safest big cities in America. But what it is NOT is an extended college campus, which is what these trust fund dumpster divers seem to think it is.
You don’t leave shit out on a campus either. A poor student will help themselves just as quick.
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/zuccotti_perv_Qd8v3hCAnspzJ7VGC9nJZP
“Wall Street protesters in Zuccotti Park battened down the hatches yesterday as the early October snow turned their tents into igloos, but the close quarters also made easy pickings for one predator.
A sex fiend barged into a woman’s tent and sexually assaulted her at around 6 a.m., said protesters, who chased him from the park.
“Pervert! Pervert! Get the f–k out!” said vigilante Occupiers, who never bothered to call the cops.
“They were shining flashlights in his face and yelling at him to leave,” said a woman who called herself Leslie, but refused to give her real name.”
You are facing an unarmed sexual predatorwith flashlights and you shine them on him while chanting?
What’s wrong with you? Is there not one dropped testicle amongst all the red beard Beta Douches in
“You-Ow-Me” Park?
Awwwgh. Fuck me!
WTF? Beat his ass and/or call the cops.
Wow, I’d have hit him over the head with Caleb’s laptop.
See? The Wall Street occuposers are exactly like a Tea Party rally.
Psychotti Park.
ITS CHRISTMAS IN OCTOBER YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THUGS > TRANSPLANT WANNA-BE URBAN PIECES OF SHIT
This guy is not having real fun.
Instead it is an exhibition of fun.
LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
He is paying thousands of dollars a month in inflated rents just so he can dance his pasty ass off in the subway.
I thought DC Metros had a ban and a massive fine for trash on the trains…
What’s up with his enormous Tweety-bird head?
A normal-shaped head isn’t good enough for him?
LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO URBAN
LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE YAH
They dance like Axl Rose on crack.
Ya, the pudgy bastid has a deformed dome.
Will someone please cut this fat, useless piece of shit?
This is DC, right? And there’s no one on the train to smash this guy’s head in with a with a brick?
..and their applauding. If this guy dropped trou and paraded around in his tidy-not-so-whities they’d laugh. If a bu did it they’d pull out the rape whistles.
Squeeze HARDER!! HARDER!!! HARDER!!!!! HARDER!!!!!!!!!!
“you cannot stop people from doing things that come natural to them”.
Eating, breathing, sleeping, defecating, drinking and dancing in a national monument for the sole purpose of baiting DC’s finest so you can film them.
Yep that about covers it. I would have added sex but something tells me this crapweasel doesn’t have the lung capacity to blow up his next conquest.
Still…I love the way the cops take these guys down.
Awww… ^ Check out what happens at 0:50
Just in case anybody on here is keeping score.
DC THUG 1
DC TRANSPLANT PIECE OF SHIT 0
It gets so easy you’d almost fault him if he *didn’t* take it.
“Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like Yah.”
“I like went to bathroom and like when I like came like back out of the bathroom like my macbook was like, like, like, like, like GONE.”
Who leaves a laptop unattended like that?? LOL
Lesson Learned
[...] Die Hipster. [...]
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/hipster_grubbers_dine_la_dumpster_tyIKilZDk9TAPd3FTsrztK
Bums have been dumpster diving for ages. Now it warrantsa story in the NY Post?
..and of course they only dumspter dive at expensive and gourmet shops…they’re discerning assholes.
Batter Up!
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/hipster_grubbers_dine_la_dumpster_tyIKilZDk9TAPd3FTsrztK
The What
Someday this war is gonna end…
*blink blink*
I’ve got nothing.
Cue the bunny with a pancake on it’s head.
Opps I didn’t see the top post.
The What
Someday this war is gonna end..
The only good thing Blacks and Hispanics are good for: robbing & beating hipsters.
What?
Take it elsewhere, Mark. We don’t want that here.
We aren’t Ok with racist assholes. go the fuck away. This place is for HIPSTER hate only.
get a clue.
You sure that’s not just Stevie?
Bwahahaha
http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/34/44/dtg_dumborobberies_2011_11_4_bk.html
Well at least the state is doing it’s part to kill off the hipsters. Over City objections NY State has approved a boathouse RIGHT ON A RECOGNIZED TOXIC SUPERFUND SITE!!. Yup, yachting on the Newtown Creek is going to happen:
http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/34/44/dtg_newtownboathouse_2011_11_04_bk.html
That creek smells so fucking foul, even when the temps are low. Why are these idiots interested in sailing on that toxic water before the city completes it’s flushing of the water from both that and the Gowanus. Of course the city had objections…
Maybe the city has plans. Mua ha ha ha ha!
It’s not like the hipsters will lose any braincells or look any different after swimming in that toxic sludge. They’re not human beings, they’re hipsters.
I present to you…CAVEMAN CUISINE!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2055067/Back-Stone-Age-Trendy-restaurant-serves-food-available-caveman-ancestors.html
Honestly the only thing hipsters have in common with cavemen is the beards.
And that’s the women (baH dump bump!).
It’s called the paleolithic diet. They believe that by eating food the way people did thousands of years ago it would be healthier and best for our digestive system. The only problem is that many of the meals are not true to the era. There were many things not readily available in that period yet they make claims that it was and add it in. I had an argument with one of them and he was extremely condescending when explaining to me how I was wrong about the paleolithic era and their diet… made me wonder why I learned all those science based subjects since these people know everything already and can run the place.
What was the average lifespan of a a caveman? 25 years, if they survived childhood?
I’d think that so-called diet should include live insects, worms, and half-rotten carrion, either found or stolen from other predators, to really be authentic.
Best available evidence was a top age of about 30, with 45 making you a respected elder. Of course, that definition is based mostly on having seen three whole generations in a lifetime. For instance, the vast majority of of the workers on Stonehenge were between 13 and 17, and the Otzal “iceman” of the Tyrolean Alps was very old at about 43. As you pointed out, though, the vast majority didn’t survive childhood; as with some cultures today, there may have been a tradition for refusing to name children until they were over a year old, because the infant mortality rate was so high that there wasn’t much point.
Now, I look upon the palaeolithic diet in the same exact way that I look upon Renaissance Faires: these are games we can play because we’re not forced to live like this. Anybody legitimately nostalgic for the Dark Ages, much less the Pleistocene, gives a good argument for developing cheap and effective time travel, just so we can dump those wankers back there. Just as I have no fondness for bubonic plague and scarlet fever, so I don’t have any nostalgia for fighting wolves and short-faced bears away from my meal, or getting any number of exotic parasites and prions because I wasn’t able to prepare it properly.
As Monty Python said – “Spanish Inquisition”. Imagine living in fear of being eaten by wooly mammoths or being impaled by the local Inquisitor because you didn’t say your prayers before masturbating.
I look on people who join eastern religions or wear Communist emblems the same way. Indulging in a sanitized fantasy version of a lifestyle which no-one who lived under would ever want to remember.
It’s not for nothing that the East Germans protested to knock the Wall down or that the Poles formed Solidarity. Likewise, look how many Asian Buddhists and Hindus convert to Christianity when the come to the West or before.
I always love when Westerners buy into the whole Free Tibet thing and wear orange robes and meditate and then turn out to watch the sunrise with the Dalai Lama in Central Park. Funny how they never take up begging bowls or fast for days – as in no hummus or organic yak shit. I wonder what level in the Hindu caste system a Westerner enters into upon conversion? Remind them the Dalai Lama is just a king who wants his palace back, with torture chambers intact, and it’s like talking geography to Sarah Palin.
Organic. Organic. yAH…yAH…. I’m starting to hate this word with a passion. Poison Ivy can be organic. So are poisonous mushrooms. I hate to think of the shit that was in water and in the air in that era.
we have the benefit of experience. We know what not to eat. I’d like to put this asshole in the fucking Alps with nothing but a fur wrap and a pointed stick and see just how organic he can get with his bad self.
yeah. I love watches but I’d really like to go back and make authentic early 19th century models. Now where DID I put that tub of Radium? I know it was here somewhere….
For starters I can’t help but wonder about olives. Were people really pickling them or whatever so they’d be edible in ‘caveman’ times?
I bet it will only be a matter of weeks before one of these restaurants opens up in hipsterfied north brooklyn…
Personally, I’d love to see a “you kill it, you eat it” restaurant in North Brooklyn, where you’re expected to take down the meat you’re going to eat. That should shut up the bacon assholes: I want to see one of our Joshes try to kill a feral hog or a native peccary with a spear. (Feral hogs are so dangerous that even Theodore Roosevelt was scared shitless of them unless he was well-armed, mostly because they are really good at hunting their hunters. A quarter-ton of highly intelligent and heavily armed omnivore versus 128 pounds of ineffectual and self-obsessed hipster…oh, I’d want to buy popcorn before watching this.)
I remember that scene in Quest for Fire where one guy was hanging from a tree with his arm chopped off and another guy was eating it. Now THAT’S Paleolithic cuisine.
Oh, and no surprise this is in Berlin. I go there frequently. That place is Eurotrash Billyburg. And the owners are Boris and Rodrigo, not German names. And the food is about as Paleolithic as Sushi.
If they want real Paleolithic, let them chop a leg off a live dog and scrunch it down raw while the dog is still screaming in agony, waiting for the next customer to order another leg. Wash it down with unflavored spring water. If you want salad, eat grass. Forget about things like taste. Now THAT’S Paleolithic.
Another thing. if anything, primitive diets were designed to FATTEN YOU UP AS FAST AS POSSIBLE just in case your next meal took a while (or ate you first). I’m just laughing at how stupid people are to think this is an organic weight-loss formula. Also, look how fast indigenous peoples take to Coca Cola and McDonalds at the first opportunity.
Arcos Dorados. This is the franchiser/licensee for McDonald’s in South America. I did some reseach on them. They are publicly traded. McD’s gave them someting like a ten or 20 year exclusive rights.
I don’t think these guys are opening up locations like crazy for the tourists…
Canadian and Alaskan Inuit have the highest rates of diabetes in the world. So I assume that given the choice of their “traditional” diet vs. a 2 litre bottle of Pepsi and microwaved pizza pockets, we can guess which they prefer. I’ve heard raw seal meat tastes like parasite-riddled hell.
Having spent 9 years living in Alaska,mostly in rural Eskimo towns I can tell you that Raw Seal looks like really dark beef and doesnt taste all that bad,its loaded with omega 3′s,I prefer it in soup,it is DELICIOUS!,Seal jerky is also good.
You can’t make this shit up!
http://www.sauvageberlin.com/
http://www.exberliner.com/reviews/caveman-cookin%27
Doesn’t surprise me either that it’s in the Kreuzkölln district. THE former Punk/Anarchist direct-on-the-Wall West Berlin hellhole of the 70s/80s now transformed into the yuppiest hippest toilet around. You know you’re there when every stroller-pushing, rent-raising mom is wearing a fucking sari (and I don’t mean Indian women).
The Paleo-diet is simple: eat what our hunter-gatherer ancestors ate 10,000 years ago: wild vegetables, nuts and seeds, sustainably raised game and fish, and above all, no processed grains. Plenty of protein and easy on the carbs – HEAL-THY.
Boris and Rodrigo, from Belgium and Brazil respectively, married a year ago and started eating Paleo at the same time. Although Rodrigo admits he’s not 100 percent faithful (to the diet), overall they’re so happy with it, they decided to share it with Berliners. After six months of hard labour, they delivered on May 12: they called the baby Sauvage.
………………………………………………….
Finally a Paleo-Restaurant in Berlin
While Berlin has lots of nice restaurants to eat out, people like me, in the low-carb or Paleo lyfestyle, don’t have places to go for a dinner without puzzling the waiter with a side-dish to course recombination. I can’t describe how liberating feels looking at the menu without having to read all the contents of every dish just to have an idea of what to order. Hope more restaurants like this one pop out in Berlin, the vegetarian craze got it’s own places, let’s have some low-carb/paleo eateries in every district.
Posted by Edu June 11, 2011 15:30:26
“Finally a Paleo-Restaurant in Berlin”
This is like saying, “Finally – a colonial surgical practice…”
or “Finally – the WNBA season is underway”
LOL!
One other thing, Kreuzkölln is a real-estate genius made up name, like “Nolita” or “DUMBO”. It’s on the border of two districts Kreuzberg and Neukölln.
Totally taken over by rent-raising shitheads who enjoy pissing off the natives.
Excellent. Better yet. Give the guy a weapon place him in a cattle shoot and unleash a wild boar r a pack of rabid wolverines.
Or…send him to Club Med Andes. Place him up there with five cropses and a piece of (hand blown) broken glass. All you can eat.
Feral Hogs 1, Hipster 0
How I would love to see this. It could happen in AZ, and there are lots of those scary hogs in suburbia now. We could sell Hipsters on an “authentic, paleo organic hunt and meal” but sell tickets to everyone else to watch the hogs gut or trample them. Good times.
My argument with one of them was the use of salt. I noted that salt wasn’t readily available in what they ate yet he tells me how salt was harvested in those times and starts telling me about the Romans using it as payment…. I didn’t know they were around in the paleo era.
When it came to plants and fruit it was trial and error (for real) and mostly mimicked what the wild animals ate.
I wanted to punch the smug right off his fucking face
I’ll concede that you had Palaeolithic salt mining, usually of salt licks and early surface mines. That required cooperation and an understanding of trade value, though, both of which hipsters have little to no experience. Besides, if these twits are so big on authenticity, why aren’t they using hand-knapped flint burins to cut their meat?
Not to the wide scale we have today and it was still not very readily available for foods and was pretty late in the stone age. If one wants to be that way they would have to eat pretty raw and barely cleaned foods that grew in the wild.
They want to eat what our ancestors ate and make it authentic yet still use modern processes to come about their food items. Talk about fad diet and possible increase in food borne illnesses.
A lot of them eat raw meat and eggs too. Real healthy.
Wow. $70/day for raw meat. No wonder Whole Foods is laughing all the way to the bank.
Wonder what kind of specialty delis existed in Paleolithic times?
I’m sure Grok and Ugg were totally into planking, too.
Christ is Lord, look at this garbage
[...] [...]
Dear god. I don’t know where else to put this, but… On Colbert Report tonight, Colbert is interviewing two hipsters from Occupy Wall Street and the girl’s name… Is Ketchup.
KETCHUP.
That’s because her real name back in Dogfelcher Falls, Ohio was “Lurlena Mae,” and this way she comes off as edgy and original, like yah. Trust me: she’d call herself “Preparation H” if she thought it would get her attention.
Yes folks it”s Bike Kill 2011 Where hipsters do stupid stuff with bikes. Check out this shitscarf:
http://gothamist.com/2011/10/31/post_156.php#photo-7
Didn’t he used to be the governer of pennsyltucky?
They do things with bikes that regular folks have been doing all year long… being “hard core” and riding in poor weather conditions and cold temps.
Yesterday I got to see a stupid hipster bitch on a fixie trying to take off on her bike. Wobbly and clumsy, it’s as if she didn’t know how to ride a fucking bike. Then again with some beta male piece of shit. No wonder there are so many accidents with those clumsy idiots.
That shitscarf is Conrad, the 45yo nerdy kid from the Black Label Bike Club. He appears at 2:30 in the movie. God, I want to smack his ugly mug so bad. See the movie, see what I mean.
Damn, I still haven’t uploaded that movie. Shame on me.
More Bike Kill antics. Guaranteed cliche-free. Art Art Art.
Film by Zack. Art Art Art Beardo Beardo Beardo Cliche Cliche Cliche Art Art.
Someone should get one of those old electric football game toys – Wear the players move on a vibrating field? mkae little beards and costumes for them turn it on and mate to a sound track of people murmuring “art art..yah…organic yah art.sustainable..low fi..ya brooklyn..yah…so deck..ya…art…art….so authentic..art…art…food truck..art…whatev..art…I said yah before it was cool…yah..mast brothers.”
Sounds like a good idea for a zombie movie.
Awww godamn..fish nets? Her legs look look like those pre-packaged roasts from the meat section of the supermarket.
… though a lot less fresh and wholesome.
Quinn the office building hipster is really starting to get under my skin. He is the whole hipster cliche – Ohio transplant living in Park Slope, the textbook kazoo voice, beard, skinny jeans. Oh, and surprise, he’s an intern!!
Anyway, some of us were in front of the building yesterday talking about what people were doing for Halloween; a few people going to the parade, a couple just going home – of course Quinn the intern transplant says “I’m going to my friend’s place….(enter whiny Warhol impersonator voice like it’s such a great fucking struggle to speak).. “in Williamsburg” I swear I wanted to smash his hummus chowing yap right there in the street. Fucking douchebag who has no real reason to be here other than playing urban explorer and pissing off real New Yorkers.
Go West, young Hummus – and take Quinn the intern hipster bearded fauxhemian fuck with you.
i used to be a nonviolent person (an original brooklynite) but now i feel hate when i even see these fucks!
In related developments, the 21-year-old Portland-area woman who posed naked in the carcass of a dead horse so she could be “one with the animal” isn’t a Satanist nor a pervert. She’s just a hipster who’s getting her fifteen minutes of fame before she dies in obscurity.
http://www.koinlocal6.com/mostpopular/story/Portland-woman-boyfriend-wont-face-charges-in/O5kF74cxmUikMab_W02A2g.cspx
Well Zoey, why did you kill the poor horse
Z: “like, to be one with it and stuff – I wanna put the photos on my blog”
Zoey, are you an adult infant idiot starving for attention?
Z: “like………….yah”
And of course, her mother is defending her, complaining about how people just need to move on. In other words, Mom is used to these sorts of stunts from her little crotchdropping, and doesn’t want to have to resort to describing her daughter as “tetched in the head.”
There’s some other dipshit apologist commenters there saying”what’s the big deal” type stuff. “If this was in Brooklyn it would be called Performance Art”. Somehow a quote from Ayn Rand made it into the comments as well, along with some Star Wars references.
I can’t believe this shit is actually real. If the woman and her boyfriend are so attention-starved, they should be admitted into a psych ward for observation.
I don’t think she’s attention seeking so much as *seriously and gravely disturbed.* Dear god.
That’s why I find it interesting that her mother is going out of her way to get the haters off her back. That twit is another Nancy Spungen just waiting to happen.
would someone please carve out her ugly body & strike a fuckin pose! i fuckin hate these people!
I didn’t know Sarah Jessica Parker had died.
LOL!!
going off topic here, but…last nite while giving out halloween candy, the most polite, nicest smiles, came from people NOT from carroll gardens, i.e. the projects! the fuckin cocksuckers from my neighborhood were the nastiest, ugliest fucks ever! ugh, can’t wait for them to all go fuck themselves & LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s why I like my neighborhood. The trick-or-treaters this year were an absolute trip, with big smiles and great costumes. Just north of me is the great hipster heaven of Plano, and the soccer moms don’t let their kids come down this far because “it’s dangerous”. Meaning: “There are too many children out there with darker skin than Edgar Winter’s.” That’s fine with me: the last time I had to deal with embryonic hipsters during trick-or-treating, both they and their parents alternated between trying to steal the whole candy bowl and complaining that I wasn’t giving out full-sized candy bars for their special snowflakes. Fuck ‘em.
Same here. It was pure joy. Polite kids, happy parents, people talking and laughing.
Our development is huge. Lots of houses built in the 50-70′s so we’re getting our share of hipsters invading our turf.
Two couples live behind us. The one pair- despite the obvious Fedora/thick glasses look and 50′s sensibility – is actually pretty cool. They turn their driveway and garage into a pretty awesome haunted house. The kids really like them. This Halloween, he dressed as Bing Crosby – down to the pipe, sweater and the voice.Impeccable.
She wore her hair in curlers, spiked heels, over done make up, Rhinestone glasses and a leopard skin jumpsuit. They showed up at the door – he in character and she with an unlit cigarette in her mouth mixing cake batter in a deead on NY accent. Hate to admit it. but they look incredible.
Anyway – the candy was the 1.99 king sized bars and retro candy like Turkish taffy, Cherry Mash,Valomilk, Skybars…THEN if the kids went through the maze they got to pick a toy from treasure chest – bags of toy solders, duncan Yo-yos, pEz dispensers, Johnny Lightnings, nose glasses….the kids were dumbfounded.
Word got out. The soon were cleaned out.
My kid shows up. No candy or toys left. “Hold on” they say, She comes back,, says heah ya go, doll” and drops one of those promotional sized Hershey Kisses in my son’s bag. The thing was about the size of a softball. He takes his hat off and puts in on my kid’s head. Class act.
Now the other pair- uptight, moved to the burbs to be ironic and make fun of ..suburbia. Matching Mini Coopers in the drive way. They handed out baggies containing dried fruit and carob chips. When we passed by the house again on our way home we saw the driveway and car littered with the birdfeed they handed out. The cars windows had “ASSHOLES!”, CHEAP-O” and DICKHEAD!!
written in soap. The entire house was toilet papered and the windows and cars were peltted with eggs.
I was hoping the house would be egged even before I got to the end.
There is justice!
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/30/movies/horror-film-goes-back-to-vhs-tape.html
VHS is the new vinyl.
Ah, flashbacks to 20 years ago, when “Film Threat Video Guide” was still around. All this revival needs is another Chris Gore to milk these morons for money and attention, rip them off for magazine subscriptions, and and prance about as an “authority” while dropping his name at least three times per sentence. Better yet, we need four of five of them, solely so they can focus on blog catfights about the others’ dirty laundry and sic their sycophants on each other.
http://www.cinemablend.com/pop/Kim-Kardashian-Divorce-Mourned-By-York-Hipsters-Vigil-36578.html
Irony is dead.
Even better, now you have millions of beardos masturbating like caged apes about how their very own hipster Labradoodle is on the market:
http://www.cinemablend.com/pop/Zooey-Deschanel-Ben-Gibbard-Separate-2-Years-Marriage-36596.html
Superdoughey.
There must be a porno category for that.
Whoa..lookit the chin on her is this her alter eago – Doughy Deschanel?
I’m hoping for the one hispter psycho who gets the cold shoulder from her and proceed to wreck the Zoey shrine in his basement….and then plasters the walls with pictures of her with the eyes cut out.
She’s – what – in her 20′s – and she’s already hit a wall?
She apparently just turned 30. That said, I fully expect her Twitter account to be full of nasaltards telling her how beautiful she is, in the hope that maybe she’ll see each and every one of them as The One.
Zooey Promo film for Oliver Peoples eyewear (barf bag not included).
Sooo…how long before we see this meerkat with tits on QVC?
“Meerkat with tits…”
That’s fucking awesome, Pat!
+1 on that.
Don’t insult meercats, they are cute!
If the Hipster Grifter proved anything, it’s that Josh, Caleb, Hummus and Stringbean can’t get laid in a whorehouse with a ton of gold and will latch onto anything with a pussy. The less intimidating (good looking to the rest of us) the better.
Damn.. I just caught 5 minutes of “NewGirl” – 2 minutes of which is her singing the opening song>
AAAAWGGRRGHH! Jeeves, where’s my eye cup?
This show makes “Sex and The City” look like “Citizen Kane. Two minutes into it and the ironic references start: LEd Zep. Steve Miller Band, “Fame” (The movie”) Don Bluth animation.
And their loft is outfitted better than my house and the kitchen doubles as a skating rink. Since when did waitresses join the teamsters?
Zooey thy real name is “Sperm Dumpster”.
I bet they were blocking traffic too. Anyone want to call that “Call me Kim” guy and give him a piece of your mind?
Could I sign him up to a gay chat line for $5.99/min?
That is..without a doubt one of the most imbecilic things I’ve ever seen anyone do. What maroon!
Go forth and do the lord’s work!
http://www.myblocknyc.com/#/video/id/2141
..They voices…the cameras..the annoying whiners…one word:
NAPALM.
http://gothamist.com/2011/11/01/stephen_colbert_infiltrates_occupy.php
Scroll down to the video. This is fucking hilarious.
Ketchup.
Hummus and Ketchup – a hipster love story.
Set on board an art-boat in the Gowanus with music by Drew and the Medicinal Pen.
Remember in gym class how there used to be ‘shirts’ and ‘skins’? I guess the North Breuklin kickball games are played as ‘hummus’ and ‘ketchup’,
Please go back to your cul-de-sacs, you fucking adult infants. Everybody hates you in NYC; you are not fooling anybody – you are not urban, gritty, or anything else you pretend to be – GO THE FUCK HOME ASSHOLES.
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/10/30/with-generators-gone-wall-street-protesters-try-bicycle-power/?scp=20&sq=Occupy+Wall+st&st=cse
With Generators Gone, Wall Street Protesters Try Bicycle Power
Rita Moreira, a visitor from Brazil, was walking past Zuccotti Park around noon on Sunday when she stopped to gaze at a man drinking a cup of coffee and pedaling a stationary bicycle connected to several wires.
“What is that?” she asked.
The bicyclist, Keegan Stephan, replied: “We’re charging batteries.”
(article continues at link)
Like yah, cheese turds….
http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/34/44/24_burnside_2011_11_04_bk.html
Dear God. Kinda makes you nostalgic for the days when every last Wisconsin transplant yammered endlessly about how he was “from Brooklyn,” doesn’t it? (What’s even funnier is that most Wisconsinites do their damnedest to get the hell out of the state by the time they turn 18, and the ones with talent, ambition, and ability work even harder to make amends for the fact that they’re from Wisconsin. It’s bad enough that these cheese turds are turning Brooklyn into another Wisconsin: painfully white, painfully xenophobic, and ridiculously insular and inbred. Now they’re manufacturing copies of the places they’d have hung out in back in Oshkosh and Menasha if they hadn’t gotten their asses kicked every time they asked for a microbrew “you’ve probably never heard of”.)
From today’s Minneapolis Paper:
”
All aboard, and hold onto your phones
Keep a firm grip on your phones. Thieves are swiping them out of the hands of transit riders.
… The targeting of smartphones on the Hiawatha line in the past four weeks is part of a national trend that erupted earlier on the New York City subway and the Metro in Washington, D.C. …
”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
THANK YOU STAR TRIBUNE AND METRO TRANSIT FOR REMINDING ALL THE RECENTLY TRANSPLANTED CREATIVE TYPES THAT THEY ARE IN THE CITY NOW AND PEOPLE WILL TAKE THEIR SHIT.
http://www.startribune.com/local/west/133047648.html
And, what would the name be of someone who calls his kid Zooey? Why, what else?- CALEB!!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caleb_Deschanel
Wow, she’s a celebrity actress born of celebrity filmmakers. Bet she never had to do, or earn, one thing on her own. She may (or may not, don’t know her) be a good actress, but there are many better ones that never had her privilege.
Typical hipster- living off Daddys talents and money……..
wonder how much plastic surgery it took to get her decent looking?
Her wiki article says she separated from her hubby yesterday. Oh and she is allergic to dairy, soy, gluten, and eggs and is also an ADD spaz.
Buckets of fun to be around, I bet!
Is she allergic to jizz ?
Not if it’s ingested orally.
Might as well be a hipster…
Ah, has a whole week gone by? Look another chapter of the iStole report. This weeks favorite is the nitwit that left his camera, ipod and laptop in a parked car at night,
http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/34/44/wb_94blot_2011_11_04_bk.html
yikes! 5 more!
http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/34/44/bh_84blotter_2011_11_04_bk.html
Actually there are idiots that will leave shit in the car seats and not lock their valuables in the trunk.