A couple of monthly reminders and a video.

Just reminding you gentrifying, hipster, staycationing, try-hard fauxhemians of a few things.

1) Stay above the fucking red line. Stay in your new playgrounds and don’t bring your high rents, overpriced coffee, organic bullshit, horrific art and music, and nasally voices down to my still normal neighborhood.

 

2) Just know how us normal, non-attention seeking, working, real New Yorkers feel about you.

 

 

3) Finally, here is a new video letting you know how all normal people everywhere feel about you.

76 thoughts on “A couple of monthly reminders and a video.

  1. …If you want to live in the 1980′s put down the Smartphone…and get AIDs.

    Can we get a fund going to have this played in Times Square…or public access?

    Honestly? If my kid graduated from film school and spent a couple years living in our basement to turn out clips like this, i might…MIGHT…support him.

    this is damn close to doing God’s work.

  2. “Just cause you’re living in Brooklyn doesn’t mean you’re FROM Brooklyn – you’re from Iowa.”

    Hear that Masturbation Brothers? No matter how much you try to immerse yourself in Neu Breuklien culture, and no matter how many times you say Williamsburg in each sentence, all of us real New Yorkers see right through you and all the rest of you artisanal redbearded swizzle sticks on urban adventure. Wanna do something quirky? Get on your fixie and head east on the Belt – if you’re still in one piece when you get to the Queens border, head into the airport and get a one way ticket on the next flight to DES Moines or Columbus. And don’t ever come back you fucking adult infants.

  3. Heh. I had an eye exam yesterday, and went looking for new glasses after that exam. The store had a big display of Tommy Hilfiger birth-control frames right in the center, and I watched at least three other customers look at them, curl their lips, and walk off. The poor sales clerk had obvious been told to push those horrid things, but it was obvious he didn’t believe his pitch of “Well, boxy frames are the current style,” either.

    The punchline? A mother came in with her kids. One was three, and one was ten. The ten-year-old needed his first pair of glasses, and when the clerk tried to push those Tommy Hilfigers, he said “I don’t want hipster glasses.” At that, both Mom and the three-year-old made faces, and let him pick frames that both could handle a bit of abuse and didn’t make him the focus of ridicule at school. As I was leaving, I told him “Good choice, man.”

    • Hipsters only dress nerdy now because they’re out of high school. They don’t actually have real nerd credibility…or they’d be wearing contacts. Most of us couldn’t wait to get rid of the glasses back in the day.

      • I bet even the nerds tormented the hipsters back in high school.

        • You don’t know the half of it. Even anime geeks hate hipsters. I mean, hate hipsters, partly for the arrogance and partly because you don’t try to bullshit someone who’s obsessively categorized everything ever made in Japanese animation by making up something and then saying “You’ve probably never heard of it.”

          • Yeah, there’s no love for hipsters anywhere in nerd-dom. I think most of us are waiting for them to discover the next ‘deck’ thing so they can stop ripping nerds off. I understand why they want to emulate nerds — because Steve Jobs was one — but that doesn’t make it anything besides annoying. I mean, for better or worse, we took our lumps growing up and the hipsters didn’t. Nerds are basically one of the ruling classes, especially on the internet, these days, and it seems like hipsters are eager to steal that schtick without paying for it.

      • That’s what I’ve been saying. They’re fake nerds!

        • And you all are fake tough guys.

          • Actually, the National Organization for Nerdiness was considering the idea of dressing like William Zabka so as to stop being mistaken for you guys. But the motion didn’t pass.

          • Is this THE real Hummus? you’re one sexy fixture…can I blow you?

        • The way I see it, if you didn’t attend Nerd Hell (high school) or were socially ostracized in some form growing up, you don’t really get to be a nerd. I think of hipsters as Russell Brand, basically. With the same intellectual depth.

          • I’ve been waiting for the hipster king Brand to come under attack on here. I think PS=YT once described him pretty well about a year ago. The idea that someone like that might be regarded as a sexy, desirable man these days is sickening.

      • I just got rid of mine today. Got fitted for contacts. It’s bad enough there’s this horrible trend of people who didn’t wear glasses back then wearing them as a fashion accessory, now hipsters are taking the worst frames and trying to make them fresh.

        I look better without glasses anyway. Most of those people wouldn’t even understand growing up with that negative stigma of wearing glasses and having people automatically think you’re a nerd/swaggerless/asexual/unmanly because of them.

  4. Too late… I just closed on a house in Midwood near the up-and-coming Hipster Avenue (that’s Ave H for you oldsters). It has lovely little backyard (perfect for an organic garden and a chicken coop).

    • Be sure to put your organic garden on your gentrification blog, because it is an amazing accomplishment – it’s not like my grandpa and countless thousands of others have been gardening in Brooklyn forever.

      And that’s not a chicken – that’s just Megan with her new red scarf. I can see how it would be easy to confuse the 2.

      • “it’s not like my grandpa and countless thousands of others have been gardening in Brooklyn forever”

        My current elderly neighbors have been glad to share gardening tips (and extra figs & zucchini). They have been glad to see the younger generation move in and continue the tradition — their kids all moved to the suburbs and the sunbelt.

        • Does the tradition include e.coli because you’re too dainty to properly sterilize that manure you want to use for fertilizer?

    • Does that garden yield a harvest of life skills? Or will your finger-paintings provide sustenance after you run your parents bank accounts dry?

      Looking forward to the day you wake up and hate what you’ve become; and if that doesn’t happen (which is very likely), the day you realize you’ve accomplished nothing of significance…

      • ” the day you realize you’ve accomplished nothing of significance…”

        Sounds like you speak from personal experience. Would some cupcakes cheer you up?

      • I’m buying near some sort of factory type thing. Soone told me not to move there because of all the heavy metals in the ground.

        So I’m busy constructing a mineshaft in my backyard. It is made of legos, reclaimed particle hemp rope and a Flexible flyer. the tires came from upcycled preambulators. Heavy metals are gold and platinum. So I have my miners cap on, ironic mustache and filthy “Deadwood”
        thermal underwear. Someone said to bring canaries in the mine. Don’t know why but like, yah..they all died.

        Hey Zack, did you fart? Boy does it smell down here. Lemme light this candle….

        • Grandpa, did you forget your medication again?

          • What the fuck is with you guys takin’ the bait every single fucking time??!!
            Jeezuz!!

          • He’s trying to convince himself that $600,000 was a good price for a one bedroom condo in hipsterland. Yes, Trustafarian, you really are cool now! You did it!

        • I’ll buy your lead and have hipsters who got their trust funds cut off mold artisanal lead soldiers for their kids, and sell them at inflated prices to Josh and Meagan’s kids.

          • Except, instead of soldiers, make “Occupy Wall Street Protestors” or “Masturbation Brothers” or just “Hipsters”.

            Then sell them for $39.99 each and watch them fly off the shelves.

            Made from upcycled cadmium, mercury and lead that was going to waste anyway.

        • I love that song by the Police….

  5. “you can’t honestly tell me you like the taste of pabst blue ribbon”

    • Pabst goes down easy…but that’s about it. Like Natural Light, Genessee, and keystone, its glorified piss water.

      • Or like Natty Boh, which is brewed by the Pabst company and largely marketed to local hipsters out of a sense of nostalgia. Old timers in Baltimore know it’s not real Boh.

        • … everyone drinks Boh in Baltimore, not just hipsters. It may be cheap piss but it’s not a hipster beer. There wouldn’t have been a large enough market to bring it back on draft if it was just for hipsters in a midsized city. (and yes I know it isn’t brewed in Maryland anymore)

  6. In other developments, remember when DieHipster was noting (correctly) that using the word “artisan” in conjunction with food was nothing but bullshit? When even USAToday notes that it’s nothing but an excuse for mindless sheep to pay more for less product, then it means that “artisanal” is the latest “all-natural”.

    http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/story/2011-10-21/food-products-christened-artisan/50896420/1

    Oh, but please. Don’t stop the Mast Brothers, or every other hipster food shill, from using the term. All this means is that the folks on Madison Avenue have beaten us on making money off stupid hipsters. See, those unpaid internships at ad firms paid off, because the top execs were paying attention to Hummus’s and Jingo’s vowel movements about their lives and their expectations. They just weren’t paying attention to it in the ways you’d expect.

    • In fact, I’m starting to wonder if those ad execs aren’t smarter than we know. When you think about it, it’s fucking brilliant. Offer Hummus an unpaid internship, and let him pretend that he’s getting a lead in the advertising/publishing/promotion business. Give him a job that a caged ape could do, but give him plenty of time to yammer on about whatever comes to his coke-fried microscopic little mind. Bring on enough unpaid interns, and you have free market research on how to sell “authenticity” to idiots who still buy (and eat) Count Chocula every morning for breakfast. Then, by giving Hummus some hints as to what “secret projects” they’re working on, he unironically drops this kewl stuff, like yah, among his brethren, and they pass it back to their dippy relations back in Dogfelcher Falls. Why spend millions on independent research on what sheep consider essential when these interns will practically pay you for the privilege?

      • That really wouldn’t surprise me – bring in one hipster, and you get the complete lowdown on everything you need to know about the rest of the carbon copy creatives.

        Anything that Hummus thinks is deck, well Harrison, Caleb, Josh, and Zooey are gonna be in complete lockstep – hipsters are nothing if not completely void of originality.

        Like, yah Hummus, you can come in at 11:30 tomorrow – it’s not like we pay you anyway.

        • Tomorrow? But that’s my day off!

        • Just went to the Mast Bros. site. The pictures are just creepy. They look like some polygamist cult living in a compound.

          Something just doesn’t seem right about this Kumbaya touchy feely business. At 8 dollars a bar they MUST be making a decent profit. Look at their list of wholesalers on the site.
          Maybe it’s a cult. maybe they’re feeding a line of BS to clueless hispters who are enamourded with these guys.

          “Like yah..you have to stay and wrap bars…we don’t pay OT but like we have coffee and beer. bring your friends”.

          • Mast Bros. chocolate is people!

          • The Mast Bros business model is: leave out lots of free beer and have the “community” come round and help out. In other words, free labor (unless you count the price of beer).

            I would guess they make enough money to pay their bills and live decently in Billyworld (if that even makes sense) but no more. If they were men and worked hard I might believe they make a profit but since they don’t have the upper body strength to man that schooner, I don’t believe it.

            http://mastbrothers.com/news/


            4) Each bar is hand wrapped, with friends coming in during the busy season to lend a hand. In the air-conditioned bar wrapping room, which I imagine makes this the coveted job during summer, photos of the superstar fast wrappers plaster the wall. First gold foil wraps around the freshly molded chocolate bars, then a fancy gift-paper like wrapper, designed by Mast Brothers and printed by Prestone Press in Long Island City. They keep a keg filled with local beer on hand for the chocolate makers (which are all of the employees) to enjoy. “It’s the buddy system,” they explain when I asked if the brewery supplies beer is in trade for chocolate.

      • What’s funny is, if one of these cock knockers ever chose to show up on time, dress decently, put in a full productive day he’d probably get offered a real job as the company sheep herder.

        In this case though, I think it’s the food channels that push the artisanal nonsense. Every bed headed food truck owning wanna be who manages to wrangle some air time throws the word around
        about 50 times. Then the older chefs follow suit.

        When my wife has to attend some event at my son’s school, the number of mommy mafiosi who give my wife the stink eye every time she let’s Junior eat ice cream or candy is quickly increasing.

        And I’m not even going to get into the whole corn syrup debate.

        Regarding Mast Brothers, I have nothing against someone trying to make a high quality product. I’ve never had their chocolate. Given the amount of hype, their apparent lack of sanitation, Wheel of Fortune Prices and ridiculous politics I probably never will. I can’t imagine that their product is consistent. Same goes with coffee. The best roasters are the guys who roast for large scale coffee roasters because they have to come up with a flavor profile that’s consistent.That’s why you have 3 generations of family drinking Yuban’s or Maxwell House. I’ve never had a Hershey bar that made me think, “hey that one tasted differently”.

        I wonder what it would take to get a resume over to Mast bros. to get the skinny on their employment and benefits package. Something tell me these guys talk a good game, but I don’t think anyone there is making a living wage.

        • i was given the stink eye from the yupster moms if my kid had a ‘lunchable’ but would be ridiculed by the ‘old timers’ when i gave my son yogurt and grapes for lunch. thank god, he’s all grown up & i don’t have to deal with ‘moms’ (all ugly bitches too).

    • While I don’t hate Pearl Jam as much as you – they’re a bit depressing, but not as much so as the gladioli-waving stuff we got in the 80s and 90s on this side of the Atlantic – I thought you might be interested to find that they’ve done a theme song for our hygienically-challenged friend:

      [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jamgcl8bO6w&w=420&h=315%5D

    • See, I cook for a living and know a bunch of guys that cook and bake. We constantly mock that phrase, because it is largely meaningless, and now it’s been overused and signifies pretentiousness. Thus, we avoid.

      ‘Artisan’ is the new ‘all natural’ or other weasel words used to imply quality without actually giving it. But if Dominos wants to screw over a few dumb hipsters that can’t make pizza (there’s a sign that they aren’t natives — I bet there’s a bunch of you guys on here who know the radio of flour to water for a pizza dough via osmosis from the womb) themselves, more power to them. I can have a dough for pizza produced and proofed within an hour and baked by an hour and a half from scratch.

      Next up, the hipsters are gonna steal the term ‘rustic’ as in the Italian ‘rustica’ which is to say, ‘country-style.’ But they’ll never say ‘country-style’ because that reminds them of back home, Idaholma and Utarado and they’re trying to be ‘Brooklyn.’ Thus, they’ll sit around going, “Thith ith real Italian” while sucking down coffee that probably took them days (rather than minutes) to brew and using “I’m an artisan” as an excuse to jack the prices up and move slowly in food production.

  7. Your repeating yourself diehipster. Just like some kind of sick ball of phlegm that never goes away. Your blog is now full of shit. Wankers talking about their shitty, boring lives, racist comments abundant, ass-kissers that you later have to put into line, many normal people that consitute your paranoid, facile inventions of Edd or Stevie, cowardly indirect sick disrespect of some dead guy, ultra-conversative sympathizers. In short, your blog is exploding into an accumulation….just another boring accumulation of youtube videos, images and text. You must realize it you fuckin’ muppet.

    • Yet, you read and it and post comments here. How ironic.

    • I bet things are humming down at diediehipster.com.

    • Regular poster here. Self described as a tax and spend liberal. Hate to admit it here but I have joined the Occupy Wall Street protests a few times, and have been interviewed a few times there. Middle aged white guy who wears a suit every day but believes the 99% is getting screwed. Married 23 years, 3 kids in school. Born in Brooklyn raised in Queens. Just a regular working guy who is tired of seeing the city ruined by out of town transplants. Sorry I don’t fit your stereotype but I just don’t like hipsters. Now run along and go have incorrect preconceptions about some other group you don’t understand.

    • Hey Edd,

      Your trust fund wouldn’t be running low by any chance?

      I’ll give you $10 for that camera.

  8. I like watching things like this decay. It makes my day.

    • = (

    • Nice attempted save. Basically you’ve tried to downplay your interest in this site by arrogantly elevating yourself to the level of “too intellectual to care”, yet you troll and check back to see if your bait has been taken, evidenced by the fact that you posted a reply to waugs a mere 11 minutes after he replied to your initial post. The 10 cent words and grade-school philosophy do little to dispel our image of you, which is that of a little boy on his computer with 15 windows open, 14 porn, 1 of this site, cock in one hand, mouse in the other, frantically refreshing the page to see if someone has validated his existence by acknowleging his feeble criticism. Were you truly sick of this place, you’d leave and pay it no mind, but that wouldn’t stroke your ego properly now would it?

      And we’re not ultra-conservative, more ultra-Libertarian. Or “ultra-non-socialist-non-whiner-working-class-freedom-loving-everymen” if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

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