According to Sam Mason, most likely a spoiled hip/yup transplant foodie – there is a “condiment revolution” happening in NYC. In other words Sam is trying to convince us that the average New Yorker is picketing and protesting at various supermarkets against Hellman’s, Heinz, and other everyday condiment companies. People are dumping all the sauces and spreads in their refrigerators into the harbor in revolt! Simply put…..the citizens of New York City WANT AN OVERPRICED SPECIALTY YE OLDE MAYO SHOPPE – and Sam Mason is going to give us what we want. He will be opening a high-end mayo store called Empire Mayonnaise Shop in Prospect Heights, Brooklyn because, well, what we need is coffee flavored mayo, don’t we? Sam will devise a new flavor every week with his infinite amount of leisure time. When I calculate the pretension, smugness, location and target clientele, I figure the cost of covering two sandwiches with this artisanal mayo will be somewhere between $7 – $15 dollars.
I can see it now, Phobe and Brice coming home from early-weekday afternoon urban exploration and an adult Simon Says tournament to their $2,400 a month 120 year old apartment with a bag full of yummy yuppy artisanal delightfulness such as a $4.00 baguette, sliced tofurkey, locally sourced breast milk cheese, and fresh rainbow kale and and fall squash grown on top of the letter K of the Kentile Floor Sign – because industrial building rooftop farming is so 2010. Now it’s trendy and chic to grow vegetables on billboards and old advertising structures. So anyway, they are almost home but realize we are in the middle of the “Great Condiment Revolution” so they jump back on their vintage Schwinns and head on over to the quaint yet quirky Ye Olde Mayo Shoppe to purchase a few jars from the selection of flavors such as, coffee, foie gras, mushroom, whiskey and pigeon feces, cacao and urine, and balsamic cage free chicken blood.
As always, just when you think these hipster fucks have figured out and succeeded the implementation of the most childish and idiotic ideas into our great city – they strike again. Oh, and if you are a hipster and are proud of this fact, just know that the average real New Yorker wants to punch you in the face.