Fishing for Hipsters

Welcome to another installment of fishing for hipsters. If you don’t know, Fishing for Hipsters is when I place a ridiculous ad on Craigslist Personals posing as the ultimate fauxhemian recent Brooklyn transplant female which leads to hooking the typical hipster male counterpart and having them expose just how phony they are. This time around, the responses got cut short because somebody (most likely this site’s mascot Stevie who combs through Craigslist day and night in women’s clothing, flagging and deleting anything anti-hipster related) deleted my ad pretty quickly. However I did catch a gem – a Jaws or Moby Dick if you will. The pseudo-quirkiness is just oozing out of his pores. It will be the first response you read.

First, here was my ad:

I ask of 3 things. This should be simple. – 27 (Williamsburg/Bushwick)


Date: 2011-09-21, 7:27AM EDT
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here


 

This should be rather easy. First a little about me. My name is Zoey. I’m 27. From San Fran by way of Indiana. Currently living in Brooklyn. I’m an urban community planner, performance artist and coffee connoisseur.

I need you to answer these three questions along with a description of you and your life.

1) Are you creative, quirky, and artistic or indie?

2) Do you lead a green and sustainable lifestyle?

3) Do you consume local, organic, hand-crafted artisanal food and other products?

(hint: answering “yes” to these questions earns you points)

Your truly,

Zany Zoey

 
_______________________________________________________________________
 

Here were the responses:

 
 
Hi, I spend most of my time eating cheese.

key words: 70s soul records, leggings, Chex cereal, “Hannah & Her
Sisters”, toothbrush microphones , pervasive feelings of
self-loathing.

Are you still looking? Do real people use craigslist for things
besides roommates and secondhand futons? Is it wrong to eat peanut
butter out of the jar with your fingers? Do you find high scores in
arcade bowling even slightly attractive? These
are all appropriate questions.

I probably don’t qualify as a hipster, but I do like fruit rollups,
Albert Camus, avant-garde photography, The Delfonics, Seinfeld, and I
hate Republicans. I also once stole a copy of The New Yorker from the
dentist’s office. I guess I just figured the term was universal
shorthand for “jaded intellectual who owns a bicycle”. I graduated two
years ago from Generic State College That I Resent For Pretty Much
Every Reason, I’m a freelance writer, I’m really good at the air
piano. I like giving myself shampoo mohawks. I’m a supremely skilled
guacamole maker. None of that is probably relevant to your purposes,
but maybe you see all of it as stuff generally possessed by men
not-completely-incompetent at entertaining a woman. It’d be pretty
cool if you saw it as that kind of stuff.

I’m 6-0, 155, “athletic” (if you consider that a pejorative term I can
just be “guy who runs regularly”), and if you can ignore that I’m
borderline incapable of growing facial I think I’m pretty adorable. If
you’re bored and lonely this week and want to get pizza with a droll
guy who occasionally uses semicolons, I’ll be available. Gratuitous
ab-shot included because, well, yeah, I don’t really have much
explanation. I know it’s pretty incongruous given the content of this
ad, but I figured some assurance that I’m not disgustingly obese would
be appreciated.

Hopefully the other people you have met on here are horrifyingly crass
and borderline illiterate so I look way better by comparison. This is
the end of my ad and now I am telling you that you should probably
send me something.

———————————————————————————————————————————–

I have answered yes to all 3 questions. I am 25 years old.  I am currently an actor/filmmaker/theater electrician.  I am looking for someone I am compatible with, someone I can spend time with and discover life together.  I like doing a lot of different things, I am kinda eclectic and laid back.  I do have tats and piercings and I love them. I am not covered in tats though. I want to have a friendship with a possibility for a serious relationship.   I hope to hear from you soon. Halloween is coming up

————————————————————————————————————————————

1) Are you creative, quirky, and artistic or indie?- I am a writer, photographer, sculptor

2) Do you lead a green and sustainable lifestyle?-A significant effort toward this..also judge cities for national environmental/beautification contest

3) Do you consume local, organic, hand-crafted artisanal food and other products? – as much as possible/reasonable
Special coffee note: I must have great coffee..often drink Ethiopian Yergachaffe, Kona, Jamaican Blue. I want to try civit cat coffee

More about me:
I am a fun and funny white guy with an IQ higher than a medium sized kumquat. I also wash myself frequently, brush my teeth, and have a libido about 10 times what it should be for my age. I have one of those yin yang battles going on inside my head; the businessman type (have an MBA, was an executive, then entrepreneur) fighting with the artist, which seems to have won these days. I now work as a freelance writer and have written six books and do photography for those books and my lectures around the US. I also sculpt (metal, carve stone and wood) plus teach college part time when I can.
 
I am passionate about life and about everything I do. I love music, old rock, blues, and singer songwriters. I love great conversation including witty repartee. I am in decent shape and walk through the park many days. I am solid, more football player (I did play it years ago) than ballet dancer. I am a natural romantic.  Let’s get together and talk about life, or as a song says, “Live, Laugh, Love”.

 

116 thoughts on “Fishing for Hipsters

  1. Look at the bright side. You’ve given Stevie a Purpose. It’s a sad, pathetic excuse for an existence, but without it, he’d put a shotgun muzzle in his mouth and beg his pet rabbit to pull the triggers for him because he’s too cowardly to go out on his own. Every day, you and everyone else commenting here fires up his outrage, thereby saving some Toronto landlord the time and effort of having to squeegee his unused brains off his parentally subsidized loft walls.

  2. Ha Ha Ha. The only men living in Bushwick or Williamsburg are the Hispanic men who are getting pushed out of their homes Via jacked up rents to the below sad excuses for a man. The below person is just the reason the Hispanic community hates Hipsters.

    “I’m 6-0, 155, “athletic” (if you consider that a pejorative term I can
    just be “guy who runs regularly”), and if you can ignore that I’m
    borderline incapable of growing facial I think I’m pretty adorable”

    • Ha! He’s such a crowd follower that he doesn’t know if it’s still cool to be athletic, so he hedges his bet. Priceless.

    • 6′, 155 is sooooo scrawny. maybe a professional athlete could get away with this, but on your average guy? YUCK.

  3. “Special coffee note: I must have great coffee..often drink Ethiopian Yergachaffe, Kona, Jamaican Blue. I want to try civit cat coffee”

    LOL

    And I love how the first fauxhemian specifically writes “I probably don’t qualify as a hipster”, and then goes on to fill up 3 paragraphs proving that a hipster is exactly what he is.

    I love the ad too – as soon as I read “My name is Zoey..” I started laughing – the first paragraph of your ad pretty much describes tons of gentrification shitbags in Greenpoint, Williamsburg, and Bushwick – just use Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Kentucky, etc together with Indiana, and Austin & Portland together with San Francisco, and you have them all covered.

  4. HA! I love fishing for hipsters! Great ad DH. Too bad some slef-hating hip-type flagged it already…

    Does anyone know what a “theater electrician” is?

    • Theater electrician = operates a spotlight.

      I know a few kids at the high school near my house who could probably fill that role on the weekends and after school.

      • Yeah that’s what I was kind of thinking. Or maybe the guy who holds the wires for the sound guy??

      • Isn’t that profesional sounding title for usher? Working in the movie theater with a flashlight.

      • Or maybe it just means he knows how to connect the color-coded RCA connector to the back of his DVD player.

  5. that first reply is incredible. it boggles my mind that people can actually write those things about themselves and not recognize how ridiculous it is. zero self reflection over an entire lifetime.

    • That reply fool of complete lack of self awareness is the result of a lifetime of being taken care of in a parental cocoon. This is the end result of being praised for every bowel movement and being told that the 7th place trophy is a victory. Sunny D and Rice Krispies treats for all.

    • I didn’t read the article. The headline alone made me laugh out loud!

    • God I love the butt hurt photo of him splayed out.

      But obviously he recuperated quick enough to pose with the brick.

    • The blatent biggotry in the comment of that article are both troubling and expected at the same time. I’m beginning to believe that all of the gentrifying hipsters are deeply racist, regardless of what they may tell you or what front they try to put up.

      • Didn’t you know? Comments are only racist if they’re made against hipsters. If they’re made by hipsters, they’re “social commentary”. (I find it interesting that half of the comments involved cyclists arming themselves. You can definitely tell who got pantsed every day at Dogfelcher Falls High School…)

        • …”Comments are only racist if they’re made against hipsters”…

          And their dogs.

          • Is that the new term for Meghans and Zoeys? It’s got a nice ring to it. Like cankle Spaniel. Yeah…That’s the ticket.

          • I dont know guys. Hes a computer programmer (job). He dresses very unhipster-like, he even wears a helmet (hipsters protect themselves with asphalt-proof beard) and has a real bike (not a junkyard one-speeder). I think hes just a regular guy on a bike. I say lets keep this civilized and target real hipsters.

          • Yeah, hipsters have fucked up bicycling for everyone. Its so hard to hear about it now without rolling eyes thanks for the cankle brigade.

            let’s hope those teens hit hipsters, and leave everyone else alone. I would love to give them a checklist, so they know exactly who to aim for…..

      • I’m curious what they’d do without an “other” to rally against. Instead of poor kids from the projects, perhaps if they were getting pelted by fellow hipsters with locally-cultivated chips and shards of recycled concrete. Then it wouldn’t be an article about the jungle of the inner city but perhaps a social experiment in extreme traffic dynamics.

    • Gee,Kurt, you could have avoided all this by not moving to Brooklyn. The good news is, you can still leave under your power before your mortal remains have to be shipped back to Wherever, USA. Give it some thought. Your followers here at Die Hipster know you will make the right decision. Godspeed.

      • ‘Gee,Kurt, you could have avoided all this by not moving to Brooklyn.’

        It really comes down to this – don’t come here to be all artisanal and shit, push people out of their communities, and then expect them to respect you and sit passively by and have their lives ruined by gentrification when you’re living your little urban adventure.

        Too fucking bad Kurt – go ride your bike back in Ohio.

        • We’re not asking the most important question, here:

          Was the brick vintage and was it recycled?

          • Forensics has only been able to determine that it was local, artisinal and sustainable.
            Stay tuned for further details.

      • I like to believe that these morons are accosted everywhere they go. Some people just have “victim” painted on their forehead and a bullseye on their back.

    • CAPTION:

      (In the voice of ted Knight’s nephew from “CaddyShack”:

      I WAS HIT BY A REAL NEGRO!

      • How the fuck do some of them know who’s from DR? Wow, if there’s ever a site full of subtle racism it would be any hipster run blog or publication.

        The police can’t really do anything unless they get a full description and witnesses.

        • Subtle?

          The comments were subtle?

          One event that none of them were connected with and they’re all more than willing to have cops kick down doors and kick ass! I guess so long as it happens to people of color…

          • I gave up reading through the comments as it began getting annoying and then aggravation.

            The hipsters are expecting the cops to be used again for their own convenience and then cry when the cops come and disrupt their little whine fest.

    • “Brooklyn Cyclists: Beware Teenagers Throwing Bricks On Navy Street”

      Absolutely wonderful. Hahahhahaha..

    • If this kills a girl-jeans wearing beardo on his way to a rooftop organic turnip art party, it’s well worth it. Fuck off and die hipsters!

  6. The assfucks made a video! SMMFH!

    The What

    Someday this war is gonna end…

  7. Do you get huge boners when posing as a woman on the internet and then reading responses from lonely men? Or do you just cry an jerk off and then save the jizz to put in sandwiches for your kids?….sick fuck.

    • Looks you WOW has had some bad CL hook-up experiences. Maybe even a Fishing Victim? Look at it this way you fucking rooftop beekeeping nasally skeleton…. 99 out of 100 find the concept funny and a great way to expose how phony hipsters are. Now go retro-authentically breakdance in a bike lane or something.

      • Rrrrrrright. Fuckin panzy.

      • WOW got passed over on CL by some Megan, and is still pissed. He thought he had his trustafarian game tight, but like other pseudo-creatives before him, WOW found out that the laws of the jungle spare no man, no matter how beta;

        Truth is, the life of a fauxhemian is a tiring, thankless existance; There’s always some young 35 year old Ethan fresh off the plane from Ohio whose beard is just a little redder, rooftop skills a little more organic, latte foam outline a little more creative, t-shirt a little more ironic, glasses frames just a little bit thicker, and kazoo voice just a touch more nasal.

        • uh huh, faggot.

        • The sockpuppet master invariably show up on the comments with a bad case of butthurt after a fishing for hipsters post.
          Stevie’s dad wouldn’t spring for a mail order bride and he doesn’t have the time to man the glory hole so he trolls CL for lovin’.

      • It would seem that WOW is almost certainly the douchebag from the first reply.

    • HERRO STEVIE!!!!

      Need I say more?

    • “This is the end of my ad and now I am telling you that you should probably
      send me something.” And now I am telling you to shut the fuck up.
      Fruit Roll Ups, Albert Camus, avante-garde photography, go sit in the corner with your back facing the class. Like, yah.

      Because you spent(wasted) all that time typing in all that self-absorbed nonsense on your Macbook, now you think you’re owed something? If you’re expecting me to send you something after reading that pile of drivel you wrote, well OK, here’s what I’ll be sending you: a truckload of avant-garde, organic free-range rooftop artisinal dogshit. Loser.

      Kthanxbai,
      Zany Zoey

  8. Dh-

    Absolute fucking genius.

    Shampoo mohawks!?!

    • Well, we can’t spend four minutes doing something useful such as bathing without injecting a nice dose of whimsy, now can we?

    • Not at all surprised that these redbeards are proving that they felt their customers were beneath them – I can attest first-hand the smirk on the lumpy Megan’s face as I checked out my book on the history of the Yankees (of course they would resent any history in NYC that started before 2002), and a do it yourself book on drywall replacement. Pretty sure I caught the wool hat wearing fucker behind the next register sharing a knowing sarcastic grin with the filthy Megan while I was taking my CC out of my wallet too.

      • And now they’re both unemployed. “What do you call a former Borders manager who gets her car towed?”

        “Homeless.”

        • “Homeless”. Ironic and fucking funny. Three thumbs up for that one.

          “Book Stackers Without Borders”, am international organization dedicated to the preservation of menial, low paying jobs which won’t interfere with following important pursuits like kickball training and loitering in soffee shops for free Wi-Fi.

        • Hello.

          My name is Dinsdale Whiffledick. My friends call me Spats.

          I livebooks. Everyday thousands like me would awaken at noon to toil at your local Borders Bookstore.

          Now I know that most of you don’t read “real” books. I mean – books with foreshadowing and complex, thoughtful plots. The sort of books meant to be read aloud with unabashed pretension to a crowd of adoring, coffee drinking literati. Books intially released in paperback.

          Books without pictures.

          Everyday we put up with the disgusting, imbecilic masses who traipse through our store..our Valhalla – asking for things we wouldn’t touch with a ten foot vintage barbershop pole – things like romance novels, Sports Illustrated, or anything reviewed in People magazine bestseller list.

          Oh and those books they made into a movies – the ones where they replaced the cover art with the actors images? We know you saw the movie already.

          But everyday we come in to help you with questions we feel are worthy of our 120K liberal Arts degrees and our impeccable taste. Day in and day out you pests constatnly annoy us with stupid inane requests like “I’d like to pay for this” or “please help me! My little girl severed her choroidal artery on the broken coffee mug shards you guys didn’t clean up!!”

          Oh and ENOUGH with the complaints. “I Can’t find The Ann Coulter section!!!” Excuse me all the books are out of order”..I broke my ankle tripping on the worn carpet”..there’s a piece of glass in my snickerdoodle cookie”…blah…blah…blah…

          What ev. Give me a fucking break. I’m texting my agent.

          Anyway…

          Thanks to you, you fucking, TGI Friday’s lovin’, cabbage faced, supersized, Gun toting, NASCAR cretins where shutting our doors.

          We had it all – Bukowski, Ayn Rand….but all you wanted was David Baldacci and Tom Clancy.

          Tom….Fucking…Clancey.

          We have degrees. We’re in the publishing business. We took a blood oath to do everything within our power to educate you. but you resisted. What the fuck is wrong with with your three year old reading “Post Office” instead of “Caps for Sale”? Huh? Why does your little shit stain of a zygote
          need to see “Lady In The Tramp” Instead of “In The Realm Of The Sense”?

          And the fucking coffee. Do you know how many times we had to send our barista to the ER because he saw you put Splenda in your espresso? Have you no shame?

          All of you disgust me. If it wasn’t for the “Queer Flim Theory” professor from Camden Ju Co coming
          in once a week to spit on us, I would have eaten a bullet a long time ago.

          But I digress.

          No wait one more – I hope you and your soccer playing progeny slide under a Swanson’s Frozen Dinner truck and taste your own blood.

          The bottom line:

          We’re out of workand it’s your job to help me. I can’tmake ends meet becuse my parents limited me to12 grand a month. How can anyone live on that? Do you know how much tattoos cost? Lobster rolls? Vegan BBQ? Space Invaders shirts?

          Look…being a hipster (and I’m not a hipster) isn’t cheap. So here’s a list of necessities. I take Paypal.

          One I-Phone per week (Large Hispanic men seem to love them. At least the women say “please)

          vintage typewriters.

          19th century eye glasses.

          An antique letterpress (for my upcoming book)

          Dark roasted Vietnamese Pachninko coffee (free trade)

          One of those antique multi necked guitars like Robbie robertson played in “The Last Waltz

          A bowler hat

          Mustache wax (organic)

          18,000 dollars for miscellaneous expenses.

          A purple metal flake ’72 Schwinn with a banana seat

          Lots and lots of cocaine.

          I think that’ll do. For now.

          Remember – the world needs me. I’m a genius and my photos taken with a pinhole camera (made with a vintage Buster Brown shoebox) have received accolades and rave reviews at the
          Musty Choad Coffee shop.

          No I’m not thanking you. That would mean I’m appreciative.

          So Fuck you. I hope you die.

          Oh almost forgot. I hate you daddy.

          • BWAH-HA-HA-HA!

          • You’r mocking laugh is a compliment of the highest order, sir!

          • ‘Tis worthy of archiving on every site by and for lamprey eel-armed Like, Yah-han Gutenbergs. They might actually believe it’s an apologia written by one of their own. You are truly a genius.

          • My only regret is that I didn’t beat more of them senseless in the locker room shower and hang their clothes on the basketball hoop.

          • Again, you should leave that job to the Anime Club. If Stacie has to get out of her wheelchair to finish the job on Hummus, she’s gonna be pissed.

          • HA! That is awsome!

            “(and I’m not a hipster)” Classic!!!

          • My ex was one of those “But I wanna stay in the publishing business!” types, and I had to listen to a never-ending cacaphony from her co-workers justifying why they weren’t paid enough to give a damn, but that they had to stay because they LIVED books. This was damn close to verbatim. We’re giving you a raise.

          • LOLZ- PERFECT description!
            The last line is priceless.

          • LOL sounds like his mom is visiting town, she decided to pop into his cafe/book store, and he’s giving her lip actually.

            *rob*

    • Thank you. I particularly liked this comment:

      “This begs the question: Where will the hipsters be able to find work now that allows them to tell people that they work in “publishing”???”

      That’s my question, too. Barnes & Noble hires based on actual retail experience, and not on snotty attitudes. Out here, the Half Price Books chain may take on some of the surplus, but that means they have to compete with the Cat Piss Men who think working at a bookstore means they can wear their Klingon uniforms to work every day. Oh, this should be FUN.

      • Along that line, LiveJournal actually has a community worth reading, namely “I_work_at_borders”. I say that for the entertainment value: most of the posts were crying jags about managers or customers, but none of them were willing to leave to take better jobs. The most common sentence in all of the posts was “It sucked, but I stayed because it was the next best thing to being in the publishing business!” Now, just out of curiosity, when was the last time you heard a McDonald’s frycook cry about how he couldn’t leave because “it’s the next best thing to being in the ranching business”?

        • TTR, this reminds me of when I used to work at the local mall. The obnoxious 20 something women
          with no degrees or worse – 4 year degrees in fashion merchandising – worked in the women’s clothing stores. Talk about unbearable – bitchy, pretentious harpies. All day long …complaining and moaning about every little thing – usually about their district managers: Who is she to TELL me how to do a display – I mean..REALLY! All day long this was their topic of conversation.

          And when they had enough with their job – they would find another one – at the clothing store two doors down. Shampoo rinse repeat.

          These dimestore Anna Wintours lived in a vacuum. They spent their breaks at the food court complaining and doling out advice like barbershop philosophers. They would only date men who worked in the mall – they had to be at the top of the food chain – managers only – with the ‘catches” being the pharamacist at Walgreens or the manager of the jewelry store.

          The mulleted record store, Oak Tree managers were the bad boys.

        • That McDonalds thing is a great point. Of all the hundreds of thousands of fry cooks at McDonalds retaurants around the world, how many of them to you think are delusional enough to think that they are Chefs? Maybe 0.05%, tops? And how many of the borders employees thought they were in publishing? 85% or better?

          PS I work in printing, I print and mail all types of stuff, from magazines to billing statements to what we don’t like to call junk mail. Never once in my 15 years in this trade have I ever once so much as thought I worked in publishing, let alone bragged about it to people. And I believe production is at least one step closer to “publishing” than retail sales is.
          It all gets back to what we’ve been saying here for years. These pweshows wittle angelws have been told that they’re so special for so long that they believe any idiotic notion that pops into their head or that some fellow beardo suggests to them over IPAs at the local artisinal brew pub…

          • And now you understand why any media-related intern position gets 300 resumes an hour from Hummus and Meghan. It’s all part of that delusion that they’ll somehow climb the ladder if they just kiss enough asses and read Film Threat a little more attentively. (We have a theater here in Dallas that’s full of this type: minimum wage dorks spending their days sweeping up popcorn and cleaning the restroom after some yuppie crapped in the urinal, and the only thing out of their mouths is “One day, I want to direct.”)

          • We have a chain of movie theaters like that here too. They have the most pretentious staff you ever wanted to see and sell $8 salads that would be half of a portion for my one year old. They think they are so damn cool, because they are dicks about cell phones and babies (unless it’s a hipster. And they all talk though the movie…) but the movies they show are only IMPROVED by kids cry and phones ringing….. They only have an audience because they are the only movie house that sells beer, and, of course, there are lots of hipsters inn this town. Too bad the screens are tiny and the sound sucks- but it is totally appropriate for the shitty movies they play.

          • Printing? My old Vo-Tech had a full blown printing curriculum (3 years, half days). The students, once they became seniors – would make a killing doing side jobs. The instructor didn’t mind so long as they paid for supplies, kept everything clean and didn’t print anything obscene.

            The same went for all of the trades, save for computer science and chemistry.

      • Uh uh..Your missing something.

        TGI Fridays’….Cheescake factory.

        Think Flair!

        it’s been 6 years, and to this day when I think of the TGIF server with the light-up reindeer antlers constantly calling me guy I want to punch someone in the throat.

  9. It’s amazing these guys ever have sex at all. “Self-loathing”? Yeah that’s attractive to women.

    • It’s all about their ability to find pity fucks. The sad fact is that the Meghans usually fall for this, because they think “If I just take care of him, he’ll stop his heroin habit, get a job, and become somebody.” It usually takes them anywhere between seven to ten years before they finally wake up and realize that he doesn’t have any need to change so long as she’s subsidizing his ass. (Now, this works both ways, as the Hipster Grifter proved. The difference is that the Joshes fall for the bullshit over and over, so long as they’re getting laid on a semi-regular basis. This is why you see lots of fortysomething Joshes, while the only forty- or fiftysomething Meghans you see are the ones too broken to put on their big girl pants and get a life.)

    • Hipster Grifter is what I though of too when I read that post. Just type “Hipster Grifter” into youtube and look at the way every lonely josh tries to act like he got a piece of action off her, yet anyone with half a brain can see that none of them got anything. Hell, I’ll bet she didn’t give so much as a blow-job to swindle them out of their $60K.

      Even that chest tattoo makes her look like Ron Jeremy.

    • I can hear it now:

      I”m coming!!! I’M – ACK* COOOMMINNNGG!!!! AHHHHHH!!!
      Uh…Uh…

      (rolls over)

      My daddy never *sobbed* loved me..he killed my Biff, my Hermit crab on purpose..
      *Hold me* Zoey…

      (In the background the sound of panties snapping, loose change and phone being picked up off the night stand and the searching of his pants pockets for cash and coke)

      *Creek*

      *Click*

      …oh and then he *sob* wouldn’t give let me buy drugs for the David *sniff* Byrne concert..

      (Sound of feet running down stairs)

      “I need a hug Zoey….Zoey? Zoey?

  10. Hipsters: Keeping hipster stereotypes alive since, well, yesterday.

  11. “leggings”

    Oh, go shoot yourself you worthless fucking Beta male.

  12. pervasive feelings of self-loathing.
    -what an attractive quality!

    Albert Camus
    -l’estranger, such a deep novel! (because critics label it as existentialist. existentialist always equals deep for some reason)

    avant-garde photography
    -lol, just lol

    I hate Republicans
    -that signature peaceful open-mindedness, maaan. like sneaking onto gothamist and brooklyn vegan to call blacks primates and animals.

    “jaded intellectual who owns a bicycle”
    -…i’m living a nightmare.

    a droll guy who occasionally uses semicolons
    -(in the whole foods men’s room)

    Hopefully the other people you have met on here are horrifyingly crass
    and borderline illiterate so I look way better by comparison.
    -the crux of their psychological degradation. (‘pervasive feelings of self-loathing’ may just have been the only thing said with actual irony to counteract its intentional irony, making it completely genuine)

    • What’s avant garde photography – translation: I take pictures of rusty water towers and dead birds with a Brownie camera.

      • lol as opposed to ‘mainstream’ photography, which you will also see them do with ubiquitous photos as: a black guy’s hands playing the guitar, old men playing chess in the park, a sleeping homeless person, a chinese person eating with chopsticks! (OMG DEEP CULTURE OVERLOAD!)

        • Ugh, yesterday some dipshit tried to be all artsy in photographing the City Hall station on the R line. Then he tried to be all artsy with photographing average NYers (including me) waiting for the train. I gave him the look as if I was going to beat the living crap out of him. Then he turns away and stops photographing. Then he tries to be artsy when photographing a train pulling into the station, and at many different angles.

          If only he chose to take the “directly in front while on the tracks” angle… but then again his little adventure would’ve kept us stalled for hours.

          • We see this a lot in Philly since there are several art schools within walking distance of each other.

            Don’t get me wrong – i love photography. But these jackholes are the hipster version of green flies at the beach.

            A while back I saw a meghan and Josh trying to set of an 8X10 box camera on a busy street.

            Now if you’re familiar with box cameras, you focus them by stretching out and twisting the bellows – sometimes to extremes.

            Which is what these two were trying to do.

            Every ten seconds someone would knock into it (or them) tell them to get out of the way. One big guy nearly tripped on it, smashed it to the ground and people began walking over it or on it.

            Butt hurt city. So he gets on his phone. Probably to call daddy and order another one from thre Next camera auction at Christie’s.

          • One of our sister units was working a really bad car wreck on 2nd Ave a few weeks back. Multiple patients, multiple critical. It happened to occur at one of our two busiest times at time. Their are what I call midwest bar close time and native bar close time.

            Midwest bar close time occurs at about 2am(this is when I get most of my patients)when their transplant(mostly hipster, but every now and then a good normal hard working transplant falls through the cracks and imbibes too much for the first time in years)inner clock and Pavlovian conditioning tells them the bar is closing and they stumble out into the streets trying to get back to the hive.

            Native bar close time is 4am and it is of course the 2nd rush. Now the reaction is similar, however most natives(or professional drunks also do this as well)know their reaction time etc is compromised due to alcohol, and are doing their best not to appear sloshed and quickly try to get home.

            I digress…. Anyways this bad car wreck occurred at midwest bar close and we had no units available to back her up. Fire Dept was busy backing up the Paramedic units on “unconscious patients”(which is just dispatch code for passed out hipster/yupster) and PD was just as swamped. So my friend is alone with her rookie partner running around with his head cut off(we were all rookies once god bless him). She has one very critical patient in particular she is working on. Who comes slinking up with his camera to take pictures “of life in action.” but Hummus. He does not offer to get bloody and help, he literally gets right up in her space, space she needs to work, and is snapping away with his flash fucking up what she can see. God bless her she snaps, smack the camera off his face and tells him “to get in here and get dirty or get the fuck off my scene!” He whines and cries about his camera and now hes gonna show her. He takes out his iphone and starts filming. Finally NYPD get some units free to back her up and they quickly put the kibosh on Hummus.

            Before PD got there the only people that came to help her actually give patient care, even if it was as simple as a band aid….oh and even better scared Hummus up the street…was what she describes as(and I about peed myself when she said this)Epstein, Horshack, and Washington. 3 kids from the neighborhood out partying came to her and a fellow person’s aid.

            Everyone lived. Units arrived. All was well. Hummus got a summons and the Sweat Hogs walked 12 blocks and brought our sister unit 2 giant bottles of water.

          • *two busiest times at night, sorry

          • Aren’t you authorized to use lethal force?

          • Hell no. If only.

  13. HAHAHAHAHAHA CIVET CAT COFFEE
    DUDE
    HOLY SHIT

    It’s an actual thing. It’s coffee beens that I swear to god have PASSED THROUGH THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM of a civet cat, that are then collected cleaned and sold for $50 a pound.
    They call it a “natural fermentation process”. This is an actual thing that people pay actual money for. It is literally shit. Joshie thinks that “I want to eat cat shit” is a good pickup line.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kopi_Luwak Here’s the link.

    • And, these armpit hair artisans will gladly fork over $50 a cup for it.

      • That just gives me a great business idea.

        Package dried dog shit in a Masturbation Bros type wrapper.

        Call it Civet Coffee.

        Sell for $50/oz to hipsters.

        Get rich!!!

    • I’ve been laughing about this for decades. Allegedly, the beans passing through the civet’s GI tract produces a unique flavor unavailable elsewhere, and you actually have people trying to simulate this without having to pull beans out of civet shit. All it reminds me of are the dolts who go batshit insane with Bose stereo systems, all swearing up and down that they can appreciate tones only Dobermans and free-tailed bats can hear.

    • This is for real?
      LOLZ
      maybe I can sell them some ferret poop, dried into artistic little rings….

  14. Let’s take that first one apart.

    “Hi, I spend most of my time eating cheese.”
    Since when has that been a good opening line to encourage someone to get to know you? Oh that’s right, when you’re dealing with a hipster.

    “key words: 70s soul records, leggings, Chex cereal, “Hannah & Her Sisters”, toothbrush microphones, pervasive feelings of self-loathing.”
    As above. Of course this person has gone straight for the over-stylised rubbish that hipsters go for when they’re trying to be all “random.” I hate this fake stream-of-consciousness style. It must be very hard for their liberal arts professors if they all write like this. As for the self-loathing bit, it just backs up what I’ve always said. They are not happy people.

    “Are you still looking? Do real people use craigslist for things besides roommates and secondhand futons? Is it wrong to eat peanut butter out of the jar with your fingers? Do you find high scores in arcade bowling even slightly attractive? These are all appropriate questions.”
    As above. No they’re not.

    “I probably don’t qualify as a hipster, but I do like fruit rollups, Albert Camus, avant-garde photography, The Delfonics, Seinfeld, and I hate Republicans.”
    That’s three stupid random lists in a row. Hummus, if I wanted to read lists of random things, I would go on Cracked. Also, you raised the subject of hipsters and whether or not you are one. No one else mentioned the “h” word. You certainly picked up the hipster signals from the post. Guilty conscience there?

    “I also once stole a copy of The New Yorker from the dentist’s office.”
    I’ve noticed this kind of sentence quite often – it was in some of the older Fishing for Hipsters responses. “I once did this irrelevant thing, I once did that irrelevant thing.” Hey guys, I once jammed my head through some railings to see if it would fit and the fire brigade had to come and get it out! Then I turned five.

    “I guess I just figured the term was universal shorthand for “jaded intellectual who owns a bicycle”.”
    You really think that’s what it means? Awwww.

    “I graduated two years ago from Generic State College That I Resent For Pretty Much
    Every Reason,”
    Because it wasn’t in Brooklyn, because it wasn’t a liberal arts college, because there were real men and real women there, because the real men stopped you getting near the real women, because you can’t be arrogant to people about how you went there, because not everyone there was exactly like you but in a really diverse way, you know what I mean? Covered all the reasons?

    “I’m a freelance writer,”
    No you’re not. No one’s going to accept your writing if it’s anything like this. And anyway, sending something to a website once every 6 months and getting it rejected doesn’t count.

    “I’m really good at the air piano. I like giving myself shampoo mohawks. I’m a supremely skilled guacamole maker. None of that is probably relevant to your purposes, but maybe you see all of it as stuff generally possessed by men not-completely-incompetent at entertaining a woman. It’d be pretty cool if you saw it as that kind of stuff.”
    How would it be if “Zany Zoey” sees it as a sign that you can’t write, can’t talk to women, and can only communicate in bullet point form (that’s now 4 lists he’s written)? That “not-completely-incompetent” line will probably make women think: “… Did you just insult me? … No, wait, you insulted yourself.”

    “I’m 6-0, 155, “athletic” (if you consider that a pejorative term I can just be “guy who runs regularly”),”
    This is now officially a global crisis. We’ve got to the point where men are apologising to women in personal adverts for things that might suggest they have a good body or are able to stand up for themselves.

    “and if you can ignore that I’m borderline incapable of growing facial I think I’m pretty adorable.”
    “Growing” or “giving a”? Either way, no you’re not.

    “If you’re bored and lonely this week and want to get pizza with a droll guy who occasionally uses semicolons, I’ll be available.”
    See below.

    “Gratuitous ab-shot included because, well, yeah, I don’t really have much explanation. I know it’s pretty incongruous given the content of this ad, but I figured some assurance that I’m not disgustingly obese would be appreciated.”
    Notice he mentions not being obese, but doesn’t say anything about actually having abs. I’m guessing he didn’t, or you just avoided the picture of a semi-naked hipster on principle.

    “Hopefully the other people you have met on here are horrifyingly crass and borderline illiterate so I look way better by comparison. This is the end of my ad and now I am telling you that you should probably send me something.”
    “Today, I saw a droll, jaded intellectual freelance writer stealing a copy of the New Yorker from an old Brooklyn dentist while apologizing on his iPhone to his girlfriend for not being weak and flabby enough. So I smashed him repeatedly in the “abs” with a baseball bat and then sent an avant-garde photograph of them to every hipster on Criagslist as a warning. End of story.

  15. “…I can just be “guy who runs regularly…”

    What he’s not telling youis that he runs like a little girl with her hair on fire.

  16. Where is this ab shot?????

  17. “Zany Zoey” hahahaha

  18. Air piano. Fuck me. I guess air guitar is like, so mainstream.

  19. Ok it’s my turn to do a line-by-line on this first jackass, who takes the Gold in Olympic Sucking.

    “Hi, I spend most of my time eating cheese.”

    OMG I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOO RANDOM!!! ISN’T THAT RANDOM?! IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S RANDOM AND UNEXPECTED!!

    “key words: 70s soul records, leggings, Chex cereal, “Hannah & Her
    Sisters”, toothbrush microphones ,”

    Key words: Fucking dork, who, thinks, random, sometimes obscure or otherwise unpopular, things, make, him, interesting, and, not, a complete, fucking, douchebag.

    ” pervasive feelings of
    self-loathing.”

    Now that I have more time to write…seriously, what the fuck? Why do they get the idea that self-loathing, self-pity, vulnerability, etc. are somehow positive virtues. Yeah that’s a great way to get a woman to like you- tell her how you hate yourself.

    “Are you still looking? Do real people use craigslist for things
    besides roommates and secondhand futons?”

    Since you’re reading a personal ad, yes, I guess they do, fuckstick.

    ” Is it wrong to eat peanut
    butter out of the jar with your fingers?”

    If you’re over 5 years old and have a sense of personal dignity? Yes.

    “Do you find high scores in
    arcade bowling even slightly attractive? These
    are all appropriate questions.”

    No, these are moronic rhetorical questions you pulled out of your ass to sound more quirky and eccentric, and thus you are neither because you expended effort.

    “I probably don’t qualify as a hipster, ”

    Oh don’t worry, you JUST made it over the bar. By about six feet. Good job, here’s your PBR you pretentious fuck.

    “…but I do like fruit rollups,
    Albert Camus, avant-garde photography…”

    HA HA HA HA!!! THAT’S SO RANDOM, BECAUSE WHO WOULD ASSOCIATE FRUIT ROLLUPS WITH CAMUS AND AVANT-GARDE PHOTOGRAPHY OTHER THAN A VERY ECLECTIC AND QUIRKY PERSONALITY? HOW DELICIOUSLY RANDOM!!!

    Seriously though, I beliee “avant-gard photography” these days means “hundreds of photos of back alleys, empty lots, and sleeping homeless people, taken either in black and white or with a sepia filter.”

    “The Delfonics, Seinfeld, and I
    hate Republicans.”

    Hating Republicans makes you progressive and left-wing, even if your personal long-term vacation in Brooklyn is funded by your stockbroker dad who benefited from Republican tax cuts.

    ” I also once stole a copy of The New Yorker from the
    dentist’s office.”

    HOLY SHIT HE’S KAISER SOZE!!!!

    ” I guess I just figured the term was universal
    shorthand for “jaded intellectual who owns a bicycle”.”

    No the term is “Pretentious Dickhead who Attempts to Sound Eccentric and Quirky and Fails Miserably.” Also known as PDASEQFM.

    ” I graduated two
    years ago from Generic State College That I Resent For Pretty Much
    Every Reason,”

    Money well spent, Mom and Dad!

    ” I’m a freelance writer,”

    Yes, you are a freelance writer in the sense that I am a freelance lawyer, a freelance podiatrist, and a freelance MMA fighter. I’m just sitting around waiting for someone to hire my services.

    “I’m really good at the air
    piano.”

    HA HA!! RANDOM!!!!

    “I like giving myself shampoo mohawks.”

    Have you heard of something called “jerking off”, it sounds like a far more efficient use of your time.

    “I’m a supremely skilled
    guacamole maker.”

    Pico de Gallo is superior. You fail.

    “None of that is probably relevant to your purposes,”

    Then you mentioned it…why? Oh right, to show off your freelance writing “talent.” This guy’s writing talent makes my junior high short story assignments look like Dostoevsky.

    “but maybe you see all of it as stuff generally possessed by men
    not-completely-incompetent at entertaining a woman. It’d be pretty
    cool if you saw it as that kind of stuff.”

    Freelance…writer you say?

    “I’m 6-0, 155, “athletic” (if you consider that a pejorative term I can
    just be “guy who runs regularly”),”

    Yeah we all know how much women hate athletic guys. Scrawny or obese guys get all the chicks!

    ” and if you can ignore that I’m
    borderline incapable of growing facial I think I’m pretty adorable.”

    The last word is a direct quote from his mom.

    “If
    you’re bored and lonely this week and want to get pizza with a droll
    guy who occasionally uses semicolons, I’ll be available. ”

    You’d have to be pretty bored to want to spend and evening with this loser. And what’s the deal with semi-colons? You use them to join two independent clauses, that’s all. It’s not like some ancient esoteric knowledge. For example. “I read this ad by a hipster on Craigslist; it was clear that he is a complete and utter moron.”

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  21. Stupid fucktard idiots–got to love how these fat wrinkled Walmart types like to go after organic food and healthy lifestyles and somehow tie this to “hipsters”. Are you paid by Monsanto?
    Guess what? Your hardworking grandfathers and grandmothers ate all organic–that’s why they lived long lives and stayed strong for a long time.
    YOU will be a helpless, immobile wreck confined to bed and shitting under yourself by age 70 completely dependent on others to exist and wishing to die, if you eat unhealthy un-natural food (take it from former health worker)

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