Writing help for hipsters.

Attention Pulitzer Prize winning coffee shop blogging uniquesters! I am about to make your lives so much easier. (As if you don’t have it easy enough already having your expenses paid by your parents well into your 30′s) There is now a website that will generate paragraph after paragraph of insanely unique, zany, and quirky verbiage for your blog. Like yah. Here is an example that I just generated:

Jean shorts etsy fap, synth viral squid quinoa marfa stumptown american apparel seitan put a bird on it photo booth. Shoreditch cosby sweater retro fanny pack beard. Ethical mcsweeney’s marfa scenester photo booth trust fund. Ethical echo park terry richardson locavore, retro blog single-origin coffee jean shorts wes anderson wolf brooklyn art party hoodie +1 cardigan. Wes anderson photo booth food truck aesthetic, echo park 3 wolf moon sartorial jean shorts next level locavore quinoa homo etsy. Artisan scenester raw denim, quinoa bicycle rights pitchfork 3 wolf moon sustainable readymade wayfarers williamsburg. Gluten-free bicycle rights vice craft beer, vegan ethical cardigan jean shorts.

P.S. – If any snarky rent-raising hipster fuck wants to try and say [begin nasalness] “Like yah, but this is a blog so you are a hipster too! [end nasalness] WRONG FUCKO! This is a complaint board. This is a legal way to crush your fucking skull. This is how you know we hate you. I do not write about MYSELF, cupcakes, artisanal food, shitty music, fashion, and hipster community events. Do I? No I don’t.

So here is that website – www.HIPSTERIPSUM.me

49 thoughts on “Writing help for hipsters.

  1. Brooklyn….. what a huge joke that place has become. When people (hipster or not) tell me they’re from Brooklyn I laugh in their face.

    How Ironic that a place that used to be revered for its authenticity and toughness is now the laughing stock of the outter boroughs.

    • What’s so great growing up in the ghetto? Let Brooklyn get gentrified & send all you ethnics to the projects.

      • I would love to kill your ass.

      • So we have a card carrying member of the KKK in our midst… I would love to beat your face in.

        • You do realize that the “ethnics” are hard, working class people too.
          F you.
          This isn’t a place for race hate, it’s a place for HIPSTER hate, get a clue.
          when it comes to hating hipsters, we are all united.

          • I didn’t say anything about race hate, I’m part of an ethnic group, the turd nugget above made the comment.

          • everyone is part of an ethinc group. I’ve gotta think that Staceyjw’s comment was directed at the waste of air and flesh who commented at 8:37a yesterday…

          • Seeing as how the asswipe that created this website hates mexicans, and how most of you are fucking nazi’s with a smug hostility projected out of your embedded fear towards change, I doubt any of you have anything to say against racism. Your tasteless and ridiculous complaints against hipsters are pathetic, like little 13 year old kids crying on the internet, grow up and grow a pair of testicles you fucking panzies, everything changes, get over it. Jesus, the effects of stupid kids that didn’t get smacked around enough by their parents is amazing, I mean, just look at this shit blog…..

          • Wow. You really don’t get out much do you. The effects of stupid kids that didnt get smacked around enough by their parents is evidenced in every hispsterfied gentrified once-great inner-city neighborhood in this country. YOU are the fucking piece of shit who didn’t get enough disipline as a child. You’ve probably never heard the word “no” in your life. Fucking waste of air and water is all you are. And I don’t even know you. But I can safely say that I’m not the panzie that you seem to think. I’ve beat down more than a few mouthy hipsters in the last few years, and I’m not afraid to do it again. Any piece of shit lowlife can talk shit on the internet. Come talk that shit to my face and see what happens.
            Next time you’re in Minneapolis let me know. We can set up a time and place to meet.
            But eat good before you arive. It will likely be your last meal fucker.

            PS the only racism I ever see on this blog is in the thinly veiled comments of the hipster loving scum like you…

          • Minneapolis is for faggot retards like you, second off, I’m only 17 you abusive cunt, and lastly, I never had parents to mouth off to, so I wouldn’t know what if feels like, I talk from experience of the brats that live around me. How about you mature a little, or wait until I’m your age to pick a fight, you faggot.

          • I’ve always said talk shit like a man and get beat the fuck down like a man, regardless of age. It wouldn’t hurt my feelings at all to put you in a coma and then find out you were only 17 if you had the balls to insult me in person like you do on the internet. Wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep.

            I’ll leave all the homophobia alone, you’ve obviously got some really deep seated issues with your own sexuality…

          • And I think someone just had his first hissy fit of the day. Don’t tell me: seven years of English Lit down the drain when Borders laid you off, right?

          • This, or 7 years of Drama Studies down the drain, plus the past 7 years of living off your parents because you haven’t gotten the “Big Break” you think you deserve yet.

          • Racist? Hold on. I think you might have misunderstood us.

            We never said we didn’t want our children going to school with Indian kids.

            We said we don’t want them going to school with INDIE kids.

            Big difference.

          • HERRO STEVIE!!!

            Nice try, commenting so deep that the comments are too skinny for me to stick in a video.

            Then again, you did film the bunny sex in portrait mode with your iPhone.

            You know, you really are soooo predictable.

          • I’m surprised that video hasn’t been taken down yet as that is what hipsters do when something they’ve created gets ragged on.

          • Change is one thing, but we shouldn’t embrace change when it comes to the worst. Fuckers like you come into a city because of it’s “uniqueness” and then get tired of the gritty and whine to get parts of the city turned into their hometown or be more like Portland or San Francisco. The tax payers foot the bill and after a while of making the city into their playground they leave. All this after displacing many of the lower income and hard working folks out causing another crisis for the city to deal with. Landlords have some of the blame but I’ve seen first hand how desperate these pieces of shits get when they see an area they want to live in and would pay almost any amount (of mostly their parents’ money) to be there.

            Random:

            I noticed this bike lane in lower manhattan that was put in because of whining pieces of shit hipsters causing a disruption in traffic flow. Now it’s crumbling and sees extremely little use and then comes a whine about how it’s crumbling apart that they don’t want to use it unless they repair it. Parts of it gets repaired as budget allows. Still non existent use.

            People who’ve lived here their whole lives know how this city tends to work, but the fucking inbred come in and think they know better, just like they claim to know better when it comes to other people’s profession.

          • Fucker like me? Do you even know who I am? or my age? or gender for that matter? No, your too stupid, you probably sex chat online with other faggots convincing yourself your talking to some hot piece of ass. God you are way stupider than you probably look.

      • Lol at “ethnics.” I think you mean culture.

        What’s so awesome about growing up in Suburbia with mommy and daddy wiping your ass until your in your 40′s?

        God I guess that’s the life, maybe for Peter Pan, or Michael Jackson (eternal children), but hey at least they fended for themselves.

        • Hipsters kind of remind me of Atlas Shrugged. It’s in the sense they expect unearned admiration, to feel greatness without being great.

          • They expect it because that’s what they have been told all their life by mommy and daddy.

        • MJ was so much greater than any hipster I’ve ever met.

          • 1% of the World’s population owned “Thriller” when it first came out.

            How many people own a “Drew and the Medicinal Pen” album?

          • “Like, yah, MJ and Thriller is so mainstream.”

      • quote:
        What’s so great growing up in the ghetto?

        and what’s so great about moving into the ghetto as a 35 year old adult infant who plays kickball at 2pm in the middle of the day on a wednesday afternoon, canning their own toe cheese to sell at a weekend flea market, and and basically mocking the hardworking people with real jobs all around you? i’d say the latter ARE grown up, but you, technically, are now “growing up in the ghetto” since you still choose to live a frivolous parentally funded lifestyle… and THAT is what i ask YOU. youre the ones moving into the ghetto, yet still take a lot of glee and pride in the fact that you are not yet grown up (yet your average age seems to be about 30)…

        *rob*

      • ethnic is ANYONE not originally from nyc–easy to spot, no kazoo voice, then you’re ethnic (thank god!). i hope you die soon by the hands of an ‘ethnic’.

  2. I can trace six generations in Brooklyn.

    My great grandfather was a partner in Ulmer Brewery.

    FUCK all the hipsters.

    They need to leave.

  3. 3 Wolf Moon…sounds like a (bad) rock band.

    Look, I have a blog, and I enjoy writing in it as a release, or at most a hobby. It’s definitely not a ‘career’, and I work a 9-5 job so nobody is supporting me as I ‘pursue my muse’. Blogging itself isn’t the problem – it’s the self-importance some bloggers attach to it that irks me.

    • “Blogging itself isn’t the problem – it’s the self-importance some bloggers attach to it that irks me.”

      Very true. In fact, you could remove the word “blogging” and insert any verb/noun combination. It would say all you need to say about hipsters.

      “_______ itself isn’t the problem – it’s the self-importance some _______ attach to it that irks me.”

      That could make for a really fun game of Madlibs.

  4. Hiiiipsterrrrrs – come out to playyyy
    Hiiiipsterrrrrs – come out to playay
    Hiiiipsterrrrrs – come out.to.puhhhhlllayyyyyayayyyyyyy

  5. http://www.dnainfo.com/20110818/lower-east-side-east-village/vegan-bodega-aiming-open-on-lower-east-side

    And here’s another hipster hitting all the cliches – ‘Vegan Bodega’ Aiming to open on LES.

    Highlights from the link:
    – Bodega would stock ‘soy and seitan to locally grown produce’
    – identifies himself as a Queens resident, but later in the article it comes out that he grew up in Florida
    – he is “a self-described ‘hippie’” (in other words a typical hipster that will do everything not to be described as a hipster, even if it means conceding all the way to calling himself a hippie)
    – idea came from his travels to Seattle and Portland (shocking)
    – he works as a ‘freelance photographer’
    – the business idea is being pitched via a ‘fundraising website’ to raise $15,000. (yep, 15K should be enough to open a business in Manhattan!)
    – hipster dickbag says “The beauty of the LES is it’s maintained its character” (Holy fucking irony, Ethan)
    – plans to partner with “a Brooklyn (there it is folks) tempeh purveyor – to stress the importance of locally-sourced food”
    – It will not stock items out of season in the local climate, because “It’s great that you can get strawberries from Mexico in the middle of the winter, but they don’t always pay fair wages”
    – Growing up, his mother made loofa sponges (this made me laugh)

    Yeah, he did a great job of hitting as many hipster cliches as possible.

    • LOL

    • 1) 15k isn’t going to buy squat in NYC.
      2) Local and seasonal sounds nice until you realize how few foods are local and seasonal in NYC.
      3) What happened to saving your own money to start a business? Why do you think others should fund you.

      • yeah im getting a little tired of this fundraising (i.e. begging on the internet) shit myself… if they didnt blow thru their trust funds one year out of NYU maybe they wouldnt NEED to be begging on the internet to start a business. i hate seeing businesses fail., but businesses like this i just dont even want to open up to begin with.

        im also not even sure id bat an eyelash at something like this opening up on the LES, but why must they include “bodega” in this? it’s so far removed from what a bodega is, it’s so beyond pretentious, and ” “It’s great that you can get strawberries from Mexico in the middle of the winter, but they don’t always pay fair wages”.. oh and your little pet project of a store IS? (also i wonder who they are going to hire at this store…..) hmm? a local high school senior who needs to money to go to college next year? a mom looking to bring more money into the household? or some canklesaurus rex with a trust fund who can brag to her homies (cornies) back home that she works at an authentic nyc BODEGA!

        *rob*

        • I think that’s what’s really starting to annoy me about the Kickstarter bandwagon. I understand all too well the frustration of wanting to get a business going and being just short of the funds necessary. However, sometimes delayed gratification gives you the opportunity to re-evaluate your plans, or even to realize that your dream needs to be put down like Old Yeller. When I was 20, I thought bankers were utter bastards for shooting down business ideas. Now I understand (a) that the idea of loans is to get the money back (with a little extra interest to make it worth the time to loan in the first place), and (b) I wouldn’t trust any loan manager who didn’t poke big burning holes through a business plan.

          (Recently, I read about a big nursery business in Illinois that went under even with about $2 million in annual revenues. The company’s original bank had encouraged them to take lots of easy money because of the real estate boom, and then the bank itself went under when the bust hit. The new bank didn’t have any knowledge of the nursery business, and called in the note. That same game is happening all over the place, and it’s made me swear that I’d only take out a loan for my own business if math supported that I could pay it back within a year from increased sales. I’d also expect the loan officer to rake me over coals in order to make sure my projections were absolutely solid.)

          The problem with Kickstarter, though, is that it doesn’t require that kind of prudence. For every reasonable business proposal that actually had a chance of making a difference, you see four dipshits trying to tour the country to make blanket forts. Worse, you see even more from entitlement brats who assume that they’re owed a living, so they’re begging for money so they don’t have to get real jobs. I’m going to be really intrigued to see if Kickstarter is still in its current form by 2015, if it had to change drastically under the onslaught of hipster bums, or if imploded because it ran out of suckers willing to pay for blanket forts and houseboat proposals.

          • However, sometimes delayed gratification gives you the opportunity to re-evaluate your plans, or even to realize that your dream needs to be put down like Old Yeller.

            Oh amen to that. Don’t I know it. About 50% of the dieas i came up with were perfectly viable.
            Several years ago I saw an ad for this franchise that sold stuff on Ebay for you. I fgured “why get a franchise – I can do it myself, right? the cost was low save for rent….plan looked good.

            I got angry at myself because three places opened near us that did the same thing. One was an independent, two were franchises. They all went under within a year.

            The issue I think was – well Craigslist does it for free. We have tons of flea markets and consignment shops near us. But most of all was the selection of goods. No one came in with antiques or 1600 dollar cameras. Everyone wanted to get rid of SHIT – old clothes, baby toys. And when you tell a mob princess that the purse hubby bought her in ’86 for 400 bucks is now worth 10, she throws a fit because A) she thinks you’re ripping her off and B) Like my mother in law she feels that she’s the arbiter of fashion and NOTHING she buys is out of vogue or style.

          • I don’t understand this “Kickstart” thing. I can’t believe that people would just go on the internet and beg for money to turn their terrible business ideas into reality. Do they offer anything in return? You can’t call donors investors otherwise.

    • Redrum! Redrum! Redrum!!!!!

    • “People are already used to going into Manhattan to see a show, to eat. That’s part of their routine already,” he noted. “The beauty about the Lower East Side is it’s maintained its character.”

      Ok, this guy obviously has NO fucking clue what he’s talking about. I lived on the LES in the early to mid nineties, and by 2000, it had all but lost its character (Thanks Guiliani!)

    • Here’s who I’m not interested in purchasing fermented foods (tempeh) from – hipsters.

  6. No one wants to grow up in the ghetto. It’s like this, try-hard, imagine you went back home and your old neighborhood dropped in property value and turned into the “ghetto”. And now your neighborhood is filled with undesirables. Your old friends moved away, your favorite hang-outs are long gone. Things that were convienient to you are now a burden. How would you feel about the change?

    • “How And Where To Fit In,” in this context, always means “How not to get laughed at for looking, dressing, or talking different from all of the other sheep.”

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