Did you not fucking hear me? Stay above the line!
Posted: July 18, 2011 Filed under: Main 88 Comments »What the fuck man! I’ve warned these people several times already and here they come – bringing unoriginality and gentrification along with their filthy asses. Look at the map closely you mouth breathing urban pioneers:
So anyway, here we have your typical story including unoriginality, coffee, art, and a transplant named Josh. Why do you have to move below the red line? Do not infect our unpretentious, real Brooklyn neighborhoods with your worthless art, music and coffee. Do you really think you discovered something new? You sure act like this will be the first place on earth where you can buy a cup of coffee and sit down with it. I hope this place fails miserably.
These new “help a hipster out” websites like the one Joshy is using called Indiegogo.com and the other one Kickstarter.com have endless hipster bashing material on them. For instance, look at this prick who needs $4500 to build a seltzer cart to push around Williamsburg. Take notice to how he says “Williamsburg, Brooklyn” as if it’s some magical place. Get the fuck outta here!
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/benjaminahr/hella-bitter-seltzer-cart
Fucking hipsters…no real New Yorker wants to buy your half assed organic crap you scraped off the wall of your bathroom in your overpriced slumhole. That look on that douchebags face…what a fucked up thing to see on a Monday morning DH. Now I’m in the mood to drop kick a fedora wearing, thick rimmed glasses wearing, nasally voiced animated scarecrow in the head.
My ? is:who wants to buy seltzer from this bedbug with a bump on his lip?????
This guy deserves a visit from the Hipster Beater:
http://about.me/BenjaminAhr
Maybe we should start putting these people on wanted (unwanted?) posters. Maybe a top 10 of Brooklyn’s least wanted with d-bags like this plastered on it, consisting of characters this blog has run across over the years. #1 can be the queefs who run the chocolate factory.
I love the Unwanted Poster idea.
Stay above the line motherfuckers – you’ve been warned
Why is he posed like that? Does he have cerebral paulsy or something? And he’s not British, or upper-class, or in the 1800′s, so I’m not sure I quite understand his outfit, either. Is it supposed to make sense or is it just an elaborate in-joke/cult?
He has to pose like that to show how unique and quirky he is. After all, I’m pretty sure The fedora/Woody Allen glasses combo hasn’t been done by anyone else fresh off the plane yet.
If he didn’t dress and pose and act like every single other culture thief in every other gentry infested city on the planet, he’d just be a regular human person. Who wants that?
Plus the uniform makes him easy for the Hipster Beater to spot.
I wonder what would happen if a group of really hot, trashy guidettes walked into one of their coffeeshops? Think the meghans would have a problem with it? You think the guys 9and i use the term loosely) would simply melt and fall over themselves?
I think Gina from the block would be stared at in awe, lust, and the ndisgust. Basically ignored. But if piipy long stocking with camera came in, megan and joshy would be fawning all over her.
That is true, but it is only because Pippy is whimsical, creative, & artistic, and they can get pseudo urban cred points by appearing on her Ye Olde Tyme Brooklyn Blog
I love it…’Send a message to Benjamin Ahr Harrison’ – DROP DEAD, Benjy.
How’s that for a message. In fact, I will pledge $25 if you just go back to Indiana.
What makes you think we want him?!?!?
dunno..just thought you’d want this loser that you sent us back.
Couple things about the Seltzer cart ides:
“Bitters and soda is a great drink because it’s delightful and refreshing, but it isn’t full of junk. It’s full of water and a few dashes of bitters.”
So it will cost what……75 cents a glass….no more…just bitters and water, right? No? $4:50 a glass I bet.
second point:
“We need a bunch of materials to make it happen, including wood, bicycle parts for the wheels, kegs and CO2 tanks for the seltzer, and a cool paint job.
We need to raise $4500 to make this dream a reality”
WTF????????$4,500 for wood, bicycle parts, kegs and CO2 tanks and paint? $4,500 dollars?
HOw the fuck did you arrive at that price? Maybe, just maybe, you should have taken a single semester of econmics instead of “advanced Seltzer creation” How about a bit of sweat equity? Must be union carpenters.. How did they come to that exact number
Just looked. Most expensive CO2 tank I could find is the 50 lb one and cost about $280 bucks here:
http://www.aquariumplants.com/Aluminum_CO2_Cylinders_CO2_tanks_CO2_cannisters_p/t.htm
I’m not even worried about the way they got the price. What gets me is that they’d rather hit up people via Kickstarter rather than save up the money themselves. If I were inclined to give them any money, which I’m not, I’d be a hell of a lot more likely to do so if they’d already collected half or more. I can understand the frustration when you’re 90 percent there after busting your ass saving as much money as you can. I have no patience, whatsoever, with the dipshits whose sole business plan is “It’s GUARANTEED to make money!”
No risk. Just like the dot coms. This meathead’s biz is gonna fold.But can you blame him for going to kickstarter? But I don’t feel sorry for the rubes who are giving him the cash. it’s all there in black and white. What you get in return for a certain level of investment.
Unrelated to your post…I was strong-armed into seeing “Harry Potter”. In front of us sat a brand new species of annoying turds:
Cat Piss Women. Fat, cabbage-faced, stringy hair, talk non-stop,dirty flip flops on the seat in front of them.
After every lame preview the head CPW would nod her head repeatedly and give her friends the thumbs up while saying, “are we there for this one? Huh? Yes? Yes?” The rest would bob their heads and respond with a thumbs up.
Worst part: they CRIED during the fucking movie. Tears were shed by adults over a goddman Harry Potter flick (it sucked BTW. Big time).
What a douche.
Bitters & soda is a great digestif and most bars i’ve been to will give you one free.
I bet those girls’ names are Zoey and Suriya and all I want to do is force feed them double bacon cheeseburgers with intravenous Folgers coffee.
Am I missing something, or doesn’t this Josh need some sort of permit since his bitters contain alcohol? Or can anyone sell drinks with alcohol in them from a cart?
I suspect someone might have a problem with a tank of compressed gas on the bridge. Might be CO2 might be something else. City doesn’t have the resources to check if this thing might blow. Keep it off the bridge, someone might get hurt
“My roomate is an architect and made some renderings of how the cart would look like.”
Holy Shit, you need an architect to design a cart?!! I doubt your friend is an architect cause I don’t know how you can share a room with people making that much $$$. Secondly, a real architect wouldn’t waste his time with some dumb shit like that…
How is this new? jews in Williamsburg have sold seltzar there for generations
It’s news because nothing is authentic or noteworthy until one of these jizz-guzzlers has done it.
Also, you can make your own seltzer too.
http://www.sodastreamusa.com/
Like, it’s not worth drinking unless it’s artisanal, yah?
also they haven’t charged outrageous prices yet. Plus they are natives of Brooklyn and we all know what us Brooklyn natives are like to these clowns.
http://www.cracked.com/funny-4573-hipster/
I’m guessing most of you have seen this, but it’s pretty relevant.
Excellent, especially the Pabst one.
Oh perfect timing! Fort Defiance in Brooklyn is on the Food Channel – shilling it’s Bourbon egg creams and artisanal seltzers.
Fuck me they’ve fucked up egg creams too. This is another line they should not have crossed.
The coffee house guy? He seriously needs a beating. What kind of woman hangs onto a tool that doesn’t have the common sense to open a “me too” coffee shop in an area that already has two on every block? Oh that’s right – I forgot – he has local art and live music – what a rebel.
His face though – he looks like a fucking pedophile. I bet this guy breaks down in tears and curls up into a ball the first time a construction worker walks into his shop and yells at him for taking 10 minutes to make a latte. Then there are the lips…and glasses…and friends…
Watch repair shop? Nah? Discount health clinic? Nope. Dry cleaners? Insurance agency? Auto mechanic? Plumber? Locksmith? You gotta be kidding me. If any of these turds went on kickstarter saying they needed to start a machine shop or appliance repair shop I may throw a few bucks his way.
But a fucking cart for 4500 bucks? Jesus H on a stick. What genius lent the other one money for a coffee shop? I bet that realtor swooped in and asked for two years in advance rent.
I’m incoherent right now. Furious, actually.
In addition to all the other shit hipsters do, it always gets me that they never actually do anything productive while they have their trust funds. Like go to university to become doctors or engineers or something the world actually needs. No, just become a fucking barista or a musicologist or a serial blogger.
I recently changed jobs. One of my friends recommended me to his boss and I’m now a Java programmer for a major e-commerce company (a serious one, not a dot.com). After 6 months, if I don’t quit, my friend will receive a payment of $5,000 just for referring me. My position was vacant for over a year because they couldn’t find someone and they are looking to hire more programmers. They can’t get any. No matter how bad the recession gets, good programmers are always in demand. Just like doctors, engineers, electricians among other trades. Why? Because today’s young people want to study Romantic Poetry or Women’s Studies while putting themselves in debt so they can move back in with their parents at 40. Plus they won’t work any job that’s not a “Sense of Play”.
Seriously, if their mothers would wake up and burn their Oprah’s Book Club collection, and their dads would act like real men, and smack their kids around once in a while, the world might be a better place. What’s funny too is how the world is heading for a demographic disaster in the next decades with too many old people with no pensions and not enough young people to care for them. The few young people left will be able to make a killing if they have the right skills. But everyone just wants to make themselves more stupid and useless.
The one consolation is I look forward to spitting in every starving ex-hipster’s face in about 20 years as I count my millions stashed away in my pension fund.
As you read here many times, i work in the engineering field. Most of the engineers i work with come from India or china because we can’t find any here.
I have one problem with this: I know they’re not paying them the kind of salary some kid out of MIT would get. So essentially the salaries for the entire field get lowered….so when the career surveys come out, guess what – engineering is at the bottom.
I have to ask – and excuse my ignorance – does the Java programmer gig a result of a career change or is it what you did at your previous job?
I’m looking for something to do part time which may lead to a career change. Maybe in website development…or delivering pizzas. I need something that’s not going to require 8 years of night school.
My Java gig is just another in my long list of IT positions. I wouldn’t call it easy, I’ve been at it for over 10 years now. It’s not something you’re going to learn in a weekend. I had the advantage of being single with no debts or responsibilities to hold me back and I was able to go back to school in my 30s.
However, one great thing about IT is it doesn’t require a college degree or certification. If you want to break into it, my advice is, put Linux on your PC. Use Ubuntu if you are a complete beginner, Debian if you know a little more. Learn the basics of getting around a UNIX system and how to program on the command line. Also, learn how networks work, TCP/IP, Ethernet etc.
Then move on to actual programming. There are 2 directions I recommend. LAMP (Linux, Apache, Mysql & PHP) or Java. Both things do require a shitload of work and you will have to show you can do stuff before anyone will hire you. Once you are comfortable with programming, try getting involved in some Free Software project. If you make changes to a program which get approved by the administrators, you will be noticed. I have several friends who got top paying jobs that way. None of them have IT degrees.
It’s a pretty awesome field to get into but it takes a lot of dedication and hard work. You do need to have a passion for it.
Another tip, you have a young son. Get him hooked on Linux while he’s still a kid. The way I see it, the demand for programmers is only going to increase in the next few years. Plus the stuff changes so fast that young minds adapt to it faster than adults.
That’s just my $0.02. Hope it helps.
Great advice. Thanks!
I just need to do something that will bring in some extra cash. I would love to learn how to program but right now I’m strictly end user (MS Office,Solidworks, AutoCAD, etc.). Hell I’ve never even used Powerpoint or Publisher. I only use what I need and learn as I need.
I’m only 49 but somehow I feel a bit left behind. I can’t even cut and paste a photo off the web and put on this site.
My son, God bless him, is extremely bright – maybe gifted, hence the increased tuition. He recently stumbled on to a game called “MineCraft”. he got on You Tube, absorbed all the tutorials and he upstairs right now building a castle, bunker , command and control center..whatever.
I brag about my high scores in “Galaga”. Yes. I am pathetic.
I will take your advice and maybe get started with the programming. If there’s a way to get my kid involved I will. His heart’s in machinery, old buildings and construction but he can read blueprints and managed to reconfigure his Wii on his own. he may be a good candidate for Linux.
Jeez when i was eight years old all I wanted was a mail order baby crocodile and some M-80′s (don’t ask. the older guys on this board know what I’m talking about!).
Thanks again for the good advice.
From this video, you would be under the impression that Josh is the first person to open a business. I mean, he ‘went through all the steps,’ and ‘surmounted obstacles.’ Totally resonates the ‘everyone gets a trophy’ mentality of this generation. You know who else went through all the steps? Everyone else who came before and built their life in this country. Josh is not special.
Just another worthless, gentrifying trust fund douche with an unoriginal idea and all his braindead spoiled friends supporting this nonsense in our neighborhoods. Open your art/coffee house bullshit in Providence near the source of your money you pretentious fuckface.
Did you see when the pierced chick said she’s been friends with Josh for 11 years? Cut to photo of Josh gallantly holding pierced chick like a princess. Josh = beta herb/White Knight. This video felt like an old Mr. Show sketch – the phrase “open a coffee shop” was repeated so many times, you’d think “open a coffee shop” meant he was going to solve world hunger or master nuclear fusion. Josh – a man and his dream.
“Gallantly” “princess” and even moreso, “beta herb/White Knight” — you’re using pick-up arist jargon right there. I don’t see exactly what that has to do with hating hipsters, or supporting real locals.
I’ve met both deep locals AND hipsters in this city (NYC) who are sociopathic douchebags who poison the relations between the sexes and are leading us all down to the slippery slope to Islam, which would eventually move misogynistic douchebaggery from a cultural trend to a religious command.
I’m not intending to pick on you particularly, Hooperman, I’ve seen this tendency from others on this site (A. Amirkhanov uses some PUA jargon in a post to this thread below.)
I don’t think respect for women is a particular trait of hipsters, and I really don’t believe that rapey mind-control is a particular marker of salt-of-the-earth local types.
Nah, it’s just apparent that so many of these hipsters are asexual eunuchs and “nice guys” with no balls. PUA is neither misogynistic nor Islam, but that’s a whole other conversation. Part of the problem with hipsters is their androgyny. I suppose they attract each other, but in the greater world they (male and female) are part of the larger problem – feminized men and masculine women.
I honestly thought maybe this was some subtle parody until I got to the end and there was no clear punch line, no clear Portlandia moment. I’m still hoping it’s a joke. I mean, if you want to open your own business go for it, but when you open up something identical to what exists all over the place, don’t act like it’s something new or special or that you’re a unique snowflake for having the idea.
teach that asian girl how to read a cue card better, josh. ah, yes and notice the ‘spontaneously placed’ photos of josh and his ‘friend’ framed perfectly in view on the refrigerator behind. Wow, this girl MUST be a credible reference and not an actress!
Make sure when you see this rolling douche cart, you notify the 94th Precinct or the 90th Precinct, whichever applies, about an unlicensed peddler within their confines, It is the duty of every citizen to make sure hipster douchebags pay their pound of flesh.
90 Precinct (718) 963-5311
94 Precinct (718) 383-3879
The local cops and real New Yorkers will thank you!
Yo DH you need to change that map so that you aren’t fucking your readers in Queens.
STAY SOUTH OF QUEENSBORO PLAZA!!!!!!
Hey look I deeply appreciate your loyalty to this site, but I gotta draw the line somewhere. No offense man. I have family in Queens and I love visiting. It reminds me of non-gentrified Brooklyn so much.
How about a compromise that keeps everyone happy? Like putting the line fifty miles east of Long Island?
That’s not a bad idea – maybe that will drown out the bedbug epidemic (the only contribution to New York that they actually made – thanks hipsters). Swear if I ever see Hummus the drummer “from” Brooklyn, I’m gonna use the promise of a vintage Penny Farthing to lure him to an empty lot so I can bury him alive in a locally crafted hole.
Look build a scale model of the Titanics bow on a pier. You know full well they’re gonna line up to stand there and re-enact DiCaprio’s scene and at that open the trap door:
I’M ON TOP OF THE WORL-*splash*
Wouldn’t work. 95% single family homes mostyl upper middle class working people. “Look at meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” behavior would not work because there are no bridges to hang from and subways to keep your captive audience locked in whilst you commit your art. Besides, Long Island leads the country in cyclists struck by autos. It’s almost the county pastime.
http://www.newsday.com/long-island/bicyclist-fatalities-on-long-island-2005-2011-1.3017889
There’s a nice up-and-coming artist community on Plum Island they could move to. I hear it’s totally deck. They even make some interesting “West Nile” cocktails there. Beats Fartucchino anyday.
You guys bring up some very good points, and hipsters ARE fucking shit up in many ways everywhere. I’m NOT from Brooklyn, so I’m not trying to steal your shine. But damn, chill with the “flyover state” “Pennsyltucky” shit. If you actually landed in one of those states, you’d realize how typical and mundane Brooklyn is.
NYC is the largest city in America. Where do most people move to in other countries? To the biggest fucking city. That doesn’t mean Brooklynites are automatically “tha shit”. Brooklyn is just as trashy as the small towns in Pennsyltucky. You don’t have to be ‘white’ to be ‘trash’. Just sayin’….
Yes, it’s stupid that people move to NYC expecting to get “cultured”, but it’s equally stupid for New Yorkers to act like they’re the bomb just because they’re not “fly-over”. So you’re a port city…whatever. You also have some crappy schools, that’s why niggas bail once they have the baby (bad pun there, sorry).
Hate the hipsters…that’s fine, but chill with the regional bullshit. You’re fighting a good cause, but don’t get it twisted…the way you diss the other 49 states would get you branded as a ‘redneck’ in any other part of the country. People in the fly-over states hate L.A. and NYC like you hate fly-over states. You guys freak out when you see a backyard, when you see grass…broke-ass niggas eating at Dallas BBQ? C’mon man, if it’s so wack, why are you eating BBQ (fake-ass BBQ)? Where in BK is BBQ from? If “Pennsyltucky” is so wack, why do NYCers move there for the big houses, cheap rent, good schools, and silence. Why do people here talk about moving to Jersey like it’s an ultimate life goal. Dude, it’s just Jersey…have you even seen the rest of the country?
Ever heard a cricket chirp? Or just dudes blasting the latest bullshit from their cars? Keep your Brooklyn, it AIN’T that special. NYC is the largest city in America, yet people here whine like they’re from the backwoods.
You rep your hood….and I rep mine (which ISN’T Brooklyn: strictly D F dub, but I live south of the line now, so come bash my face in).
Fuck artisanal shit, fuck “East W’burg real estate listings”. Fuck toddlers raising toddlers in P. Slope. Fuck working a shit job while I see other people getting parental handouts. I AGREE. But don’t throw trash on the “farmland”. How else will you eat?
BUSHWICK BILL, ROY ORBISON, TROY AIKMAN, ALEXIS TEXAS, BUDDY HOLLY, UGK. DON’T DIS, NIGGA! TX 4 life. We killed a POTUS, just to put one of our own in the White House (JFK, LBJ, what else do we have to say…your boy Billy J didn’t start the fire, apparently). Brooklyn ain’t shit….if u have beef with Manhattan, deal with Manhattan, but don’t diss the rest of the country just to make yourself look/feel better.
Damn, pardon me, I’m on that 4 Loko tip…fuck the hipsters, fuck the guidos, fuck the Ricans…
(speaking of hipsters, what’s another group of people who always “wave their flag”, make sure you know what they’re listening to, and live in North Brooklyn?)
fuck my fellow negroes who don’t make space to sit on the A train, fuck Josh and Megan, fuck the Indian women in a mob who don’t make space on the sidewalk, Fuck the 6 train douchebags, fuck the L train douchebags who think they’re better than the 6 train douchebags. Fuck ‘em all.
NYC/BROOKLYN AIN’T SHIT, it’s just as wack as the rest of America. Same shit, different/bigger city. Any local OR transplant who doesn’t realize that is full of shit. I bet Florida has a website called “die people from NYC who move here when they’re tired of mad bullshit). You fuckwads move to “cheaper” parts of the country, and then bitch about the lack of “culture”, bitch about the pizza, G.W. Bush, (yeah, fuck Bush, but are Spitzer, Paterson, and Wiener the bomb?). Everything’s always better “in New York”. Brooklyn hates getting the freakshow treatment from outsider hipsters, yet has no problem viewing the rest of the U.S. as a freakshow. When you actually DON’T fly over, people wish you had.
NYC = “hipster” to the rest of America (i.e. someone who thinks they’re the supreme shit, when they’re not). Not just skinny-jeaned transplant-types, but fuckers proclaiming “what’s hot”, acting like mad idiots at the airport just because they graced a fly-over state with their presence. Looking like Law & Order casting rejects, yet flaunting clout they don’t even have – on your turf. Congrats with the hipsters, NYC…now you see what you’ve been to the rest of America for years: creative, full of potential, and innovative, yet smug, conceited and too busy sniffing your own assholes while you “fly over” the rest.
(I do enjoy the website, though, btw).
Man, I barely remember typing this…bring the hate!
No worries, I’ll never pay $2,000/mo for rent in Bk ON TOP of having to deal with NYC. I’d rather live like a king in Pennsyltucky (note: NOT Jersey). “I’m a fly-over nigga, but a SCUD missile nigga, shooting city slickers down to the ground, like, nigga”
And I killed Josh BACK when we lived in Texas. Deuces…
Yeah, the Loko’ll do that to you…not around here anymore though; OLCC banned it. I’m honestly still trying to digest all this, so I’ll get back to you if there’s any hate I gotta bring.
Stay back in Pennysltucky you filth.
Wait until they start doing puppet shows in the park!! Fucking lepers
Someday this war is gonna end
They’re been doing puppet shows in the park for quite some time, my friend.
The park? You don’t even have to leave the subway. Have you not seen the Bedford Avenue plastic bag puppet show?
The only thing more sickening than the accordion boy/Megan bag skank are the endless parade of pasty faced, creative class, whimsical, gentrifying fauxhemian fuckfaces walking through the station.
http://www.kickstarter.com/team?ref=footer
Click on this link, it will make ANYONE vomit.
We should make a project about killing hipsters and fund it on kick starter. Or have an organized swarm of hoax projects….
This is so fucking annoying.
Read the rules, no general fund raising or “fund my life” entries allowed. It is like hipsters telling other hipsters not be hipsters.
Like they know already some weenie hipster would do that !!!
If you really wanted to torture me you could put me in a strait jacket, keep my eyes open and force me to watch this to the strains of The Who’s “Quadrephenia”.
That shit should come with a disclaimer and a warning.
I’m sorry, but in my most un-ironic, I-still-hate-fucking-hipsters way, I state, “Quadrophenia is the best fucking rock album of all time’”. Yes, it’s about the 60′s-equivalent U.K. hipsters, Mods. But fuck-all, you can’t listen to Entwhistle’s bass line in “The Real Me” and tell me that’s not opposite-end-of-the-world-from-hipsters, God-given, truly unique (and not in the “Look at meeeee hanging from the Williamsburg Bridge!!!!”) talent.
And for the record: fuck hipsters.
You mean like this? Listen, do not attempt to apologize for the 60′s and 70′s musicians’ looks and style. I’ve said numerous times before – it was a first time occurance. There was no such thing as hippies and that kind of rock and all that shit before that era. Now, you have such an unimaginative bunch of gentrifying copycat idiots ruining the past , present and future. Enjoy…
whoa whoa WHOA! I’m a big Who fan…been one since ’72 (saw them in central park and on “The Kids are alright” tour). I was making a bad reference to Clockwork Orange…oh well.
I got it.
And for the record – “Live At Leeds” is a permanent fixture in my car cd player.
Entwistle? No bass player will ever even come close. Many can pop, slap and play fast but the man had speed, taste and awesome POWER. Just listen to the sonic booms..the wall of sound on “My Generation” from”Live at Leeds”. this alone would make any try hard go weak in the knees.
Yes “Real Me” and “Quad” in general was his long deserved showcase. For Daltrey as well although it’s kinda hard to match his power on “Leeds”.
Some of Entwistle’s nicest bass playing IMHO was on “Daily Record” and “Eminence Front”. while the other members’ chops eroded, Entwistle seemed to get better with age.
And the man loved to tour. The guy would play small clubs and loved to meet the fans.
RIP.
Soz about that pat… thought you were hating on Pete & Co. My apologies.
And wasn’t it Beethoven that was playing when Malcolm McDowell’s eyes were taped open in Clockwork? Damn, I’ll have to watch that again this weekend on the DVR… maybe I can pop open Premiere and edit Hummus the pipe cleaner-bodied local sustainable drummer “from” Williamsburg into the scene where Alex, Pete, Georgie and Dim are beating the shit out of Mr. Alexander (Hummus, of course, would be the hapless victim). Maybe I’ll edit some generic Meghan / Zooey / Emily into the vid as his wife… god knows there’s plenty of stock footage of those fucking hipsters available, given their propensity of visually documenting everything they do like they’re fucking Hillary on top of Everest…
Jesus H. Christ…you’re starting a coffee shop, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED A FUCKING DOCUMENTARY ABOUT IT? FUCK RIGHT OFF!!!
The coffee shop is just incidental.
Wow… Amazing comment. You’ve pretty much wrapped up the hipster mentality in a sentence.
And username.
If you become “obsessed” with coffee, you’re pretty fucking boring.
Hey, thanks for the idea, hipster.
But I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. Since you are obviously too lazy and unmotivated to save up $4500 yourself — I mean, come on! $4500 is not that hard to save eventually, even working at a low-paying job delivering pizza, or something, if you really put your mind to it and had some discipline — I’m not going to give it to you. Ever.
If you can’t even be bothered to save $4500 yourself, you obviously won’t be bothered to push that cart through the streets for 12 hours a day, in all kinds of weather, after the first week. Two weeks on the outside. And I’m being generous.
What I’m saying is, your idea isn’t terribly original. It’s only chance of marginal success lies in how hard the person pushing the cart works — and I’m betting that’s not you.
What I will do, though, is spend *$450* on a cart, and hire someone to run it — someone who knows what it is to bust their ass, day in and day out, for peanuts, and knows how to hustle — say a recent immigrant or refugee who’s willing.
I’ll pay this person minimum wage plus a comission. And as extra motivation, I’ll give him exclusive rights to buy me out of the business venture for a fixed price. That way, we’ve both got some skin in the game. If I choose the right Haitian, I’ll stand to make a tidy little profit, and someone who deserves it gets his own little business. If not (we’ll know in the first month or two), I’ll be out a hell of a lot less than $4500 — which I’d be GUARANTEED to lose on you, hipster.
You just pulled a Jerry Lundergaard — just like home!
Damn straight.
My dad borrowed about half of what he needed for his pizzeria – the rest came from of stacking one thin dime on top of another. the difference here is – my father worked two full time jobs and renovated our brownstone on the weekends. People knew what he was made of and knew his character, so lending him the cash was a safe bet.
He paid everyone back within two years and kept the biz for 35 years until he sold it.
honestly I am befuddled and appalled at how loose people are with their money.Lending money to some loser you don’t even know without a return on your investment? PT Barnum is weeping.
My parents were similar. But what I find odd is there are people like you who actually drew a valuable lesson from this, and then there are people who’s parents did the same thing, but the kids don’t give them any respect for it — just whining.
So, drink up my friend, we’re the last of a dying breed. The children are our future — other people’s children, that is. Therefore, I suggest you do like me and save up for a heavily armed compound in Parguay.
We. Are. Fucked.
When I lived in Portland, my ex decided to go right for the classic hipster job, and went to work for Powell’s Books in downtown. Since she had to work on Sundays, I’d usually walk her to work and then wander around for a while. Across the street at the time was a comic shop, and I discovered later that it was a classic parental subsidy: the owner had whined and cried and stamped his feet about how he wanted to be a bigshot in the comics business (yeah, I know: pathetic, ain’t it?), so his parents gave him the money to make it work. They covered rent on the space, which wasn’t cheap, and rent on his apartment, which was even worse. They paid for all of his licenses, and they paid for all of his inventory. They then backed off, because they assumed Schnookums would make it work.
This had been going on for two months by the time I moved there, and every last time I went by, the shop was closed. It didn’t matter what the listed hours were: it was always closed. Apparently Schnookums was up far too late with the Nintendo every night, and opened up if and when he felt like it. If he showed up, he’d be open for an hour, get bored, and wander off to check out the other stores in the area.
Anyway, finally, I came by and the store had the door open. Big shock. Even bigger shock: the proprietor was at the cash register. The reason was that he was having a going-out-of-business sale: Mommy and Daddy refused to give him any more money. I peeked in for a few minutes, only to listen to him kvetch about how the only reason the store failed was because “you just don’t have any support for a shop like this in downtown.” I promptly stepped back, walked off, and never went back.
The other side is businesses built from nothing by the parents or grandparents and then handed off to their offspring who don’t know what it’s like to wake up before noon. This is classic with Italian bakeries in Bensonhurst.
Shit, I haven’t even begun to rage on this self-absorbed jackass. What I don’t get is what women see in guys like that. Another part of me suspects that she has in the past, or is currently banging some alpha male on the side. Contrary to the common nice guy belief, you don’t have to be an asshole to get women. But women can usually only put up with so much when it comes to a lack of confidence and an abundance of awkwardness. What I’m getting at is that it’s not so much his masculinity, but the fact that he is SO FUCKING BORING. Women don’t like boring, men don’t like boring. This guy is FUCKING BOR-ING. What kind of woman gets attracted to a guy who makes a video proclaiming that he has been “obsessed with coffee” for a long time, and how working in a coffee house is one of his greatest experiences. I can’t imagine what they do for fun- probably discuss coffee, local bands nobody cares about, and local art, of course. Sex most likely occurs infrequently, under the influence of alcohol, and is most likely followed by tears, of one or even both partners.
(Alright, this is where I’m switching to open letter format for a second, and please bear with me, dear reader)
Motherfucker, in one day I took a fucking boat from Spain over to Morocco and back. I crossed the bridge between Asia and Europe while in Istanbul. I’ve stood on the frozen banks of the Volga where the turning point of WWII was decided. I’ve marched in several mass protests in three different countries. And what have you done? YOU WORKED IN A FUCKING COFFEE HOUSE, BECAME OBSESSED WITH COFFEE, MOVED TO NEW YORK, AND MADE A VIDEO ABOUT YOURSELF AND HOW YOU’RE GOING TO OPEN YOUR OWN COFFEE SHOP! For fuck’s sake I drink Turkish coffee in Istanbul; how’s that for your precious “authenticity”?
And I want to make it clear I’m not starting a pissing match talking about my “accomplishments” or something. I only throw out a few of these things to show the difference between real life experiences(which as far as I’m concerned don’t merit any videos), and making a mini-documentary about your obsession with a hot beverage. I’m sure that the other readers here can easily list DOZENS of their own personal experiences(and I urge all you readers to do so), many of which might have taken place in the space of one year, which totally dwarf your Coffee house experiences. I’m sure there are people on this blog who were and still are fascinated(I’m not going to say “obsessed”) with foreign languages, history, politics, culture(actual culture, not ‘World Music’), sports…NOT…FUCKING…COFFEE!
I realize this may not be the most eloquent of rants but do these people EVER WATCH THEIR OWN VIDEOS OR RE-READ WHAT THEY WRITE? Didn’t he ever watch this and say, ‘You know, I’m sounding just a bit pretentious here. Maybe I should just get to the point, or perhaps I shouldn’t even make a video for this. Perhaps it was wrong to slip my Korean friend Valium.’ Nope, he’ll never do that.
Please readers, back me up. Post those “accomplishments” and experiences which you would otherwise find trivial, but clearly surpass “working in a coffee house” and being obsessed with coffee. Expose this jackass as the adult child that he is.
Step away from the keyboard. Just kidding….You are 100% in the right, my friend. Politically, my family has not done much. But my parents paved the way for many immigrants – mostly family. They bought a three unit in Carroll gardens. People were sponsored, given a place to live, fed and given a job. They got married, moved into their own place and started families and businesses.
This was my childhood house from about 1964 to 1973.
A few months ago I was working in the yard when a Ukranian guy i know stopped his truck and chatted with me. He told me his cousin just arrived from the old country last week and was trying to find work. He asked if I had any jobs to do around the house.
He called over to his cousin who was sitting in the truck. Young kid about 19 years old. we shook hand smiled. I took him around back to show him the deck and shed -both of which I intended to paint. We agreed on a price – in my opinion it was ridiculously low – and I was told to pay the young man because the money was supposed to be all his..the guy was just helping ou this cousin.
I bought the supplies. They showed up on time. The guy gave his cousin a quick explantion and left him there to work.
When he finished a few days later I gave him an extra 100 bucks because he ripped up the pavers in front of our shed and reinstalled them. He refused the tip but I insisted.
That Saturday a woman shows up at our door. Turns out it was the kid’s sister. She brought cookies as a thank you. It really brought me back to another time. Needless to say I was touched.
My neighbors saw his work. They hired him as well. Word got around. I see him in our development
about once a week. He always stops to say “hello”. His English has improved dramatically.
One week..and the guy was already working. No pondering, no self-absorbed videos. Start earning your keep and think about your future while working.
This is a great story – makes me feel like all hope isn’t completely lost.
OH FUCK….I when I wrote the comment above, I hadn’t viewed the Seltzer cart jackass. He could probably buy a used ice cream cart or hot dog cart for less than $500. He can prattle on about his “bitters” all he wants, but at the end of the day he wants people to donate money to pay for his dream of running a lemonade stand. Did the immigrants, who sell hot dogs and pretzels every day no matter how hot or cold, get their start-up money from donations? Did they have to pay nearly $5000 for their carts? I’m guessing no.
Fuck this guy and his cart. May his cart be blasted into tiny fragments.
HEY HIPSTERS. Want to go somewhere “authentic?” Want to go somewhere where they *want* your cash infusions? Want to go somewhere with cheap rents, and even cheaper home purchases? Want to go somewhere that doesn’t really need your culture, but you’ll feel like it does?
How about Detroit?
Houses and rents are bottoming out. There’s few jobs to be had, but I don’t think that’ll be a problem. And there’s plenty of creative and entrepreneurial opportunities for you.
Go west, Young Hummus.
Like in “Kentucky Fried Movie”:
Send them to……DETROIT!
Go West Young Hummus is my new favorite line – might have to steal that one.
Another classic has been coined – right up there with “Fucking Hipsters. Suck my dick”.
Go west Young hummus. gotta love it1
and to think I thought my “Keep brooklyn Cankle Free” was good.
And the best (imo) “holy artisanal cheese batman”.
i’ve been bitchin about these fucks in rockaway–i just read about how a bunch of these muthafuckin losers are riding unicycles in sheepshead bay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they’re trying to hit EVERY bridge in nyc–HELP!!!!!
What is it about moving close to Orthodox Jewish neighborhoods?? Here’s hoping for bankruptcy!
[...] I’m not sure if the video received much in the way of fundraising dollars, but it did inspire this hilariously angry rant by a Brooklyn blogger. [...]