Today’s hipster beating.
Posted: May 9, 2011 Filed under: Today's hipster beating. 53 Comments »Today I saw a Gilligan stunt double getting a cupcake tattooed on his upper coffee stirrer. So I cracked him in the jaw, placed him in my human sling shot and launched him back to Wiscozonafornia. End of story.
Nothing brightens my day like a hipster beating.
Fucking hipsters. Suck my dick.
I think you can collect all your beatin’s and make a book. Like that shit you see in the entrance to barnes + ripoffs. Add pictures and you gots a new movement here. All thanks to blogging. What irony yo.
Good idea, but what would work better is recreating them and accompanying the book with a collection of video. You’d probably have a mob of volunteers, all fresh from Dogfelcher Fallas, literally begging for the exposure.
Just wait a couple of years until the hipsters have no trust fund money left and it’s Bumfights Redux. Featuring homeless ex shitstains getting the shit kicked out of them by real bums and no moms or lawyers to rescue them.
Bet it’ll sell like hotcakes too.
The bum running head first into the newspaper machines in the lot across from the Sahara made me laugh harder than I’ve laughed at a video on the internet in YEARS. HAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAAHHAH!!!
upper coffee stirrer – hilarious!!
and accurate.
Ahahahahahahahaha!! This might be the best one yet!
PS – I just saw a story on the late local news about a real life Hipster Beating in Minneapolis’ yuptown area.
I’ll see if I can find a link…
Now, I in no way condone this, but the line “Minneapolis Police spokesman William Palmer says it almost seemed as if the attackers were looking for a fight more than a robbery.” plus the stereotypical joshy appearance of this guy makes me wonder if this isn’t a real life hipster beater.
http://minnesota.cbslocal.com/2011/05/09/2-men-brutally-beaten-with-brass-knuckles-in-south-minneapolis/
Also, notice the always present thinly veiled biggotry in the comments. “White” and “Black” replaced with “Suburb” and “City” or “Republican” and “Trash”.
The very same people who say how horrible this beating is have no problem with killing the attackers. What ever happened to an eye for an eye (or in this case an ear for an ear)?
There is little hope left for this country.
We get one or two of these in the Lakewood area of Dallas from time to time, too. Half of the time, it’s a mugger who figures that the beardos are an easy target. The other half, it’s someone who knows the beardo personally, and knows that the cops will spend months searching for a mythical black attacker instead of acknowledging that the beardo couldn’t get his head pissed on if his face was on fire.
Hipster beatings are turning into a sort of obscure genre of artistic expression. With its ritualistic structure and forms, it’s in the vein of Japanese Noh theatre … except it’s in English, and there’s more beatings.
How about DIY Seppuku at the Brooklyn Brainery?
(That’s where the guy takes the sword and slices himself open ritually)
Not bad, but you could make tournaments out of pissing on electric fences. Jump up the amps a bit, and you’ll smell burning hipster all the way back in Pennsyltucky.
Yes, yes, YES!!!!
http://gothamist.com/2011/05/09/urban_explorers_arrested_after_snea.php
LOL!!
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/tunnel_punk_terror_scares_clfEzPGLRb3uHPN3pMj5HI?CMP=OTC-rss&FEEDNAME=
Douchebags.
All four of them will be out before you know it. There’s no wrath comparable to that of a helicopter parent told that her special snowflake wasn’t the product of a virgin birth.
Now hipsters just reinvented the mental hospital, using themselves instead of patients.
http://www.bbc.com/travel/blog/20110405-worldwide-weird-reinventing-a-michigan-mental-hospital
And they’re revitalizing Detroit.
http://www.bbc.com/travel/feature/20110506-the-rebirth-of-detroit-amid-modern-day-ruins
Personally, I heartily endorse their moving to Traverse City and taking it over. Not only was Traverse City an absolute pit for decades, but the locals could take lots of advantage of yupster scum moving up there so they could say “I was here before it became mainstream.” Best of all, speaking from experience at family gatherings up there, I want to see how well these spoiled brats take to a typical Northern Michigan winter, especially when the only audience they have for their antics is each other. “We went running around in the snow when it was minus-40 out! I had to have both feet amputated from frostbite, but that’s just SO KEWL!”
Oh come on! They love their scarves and their Alaskan sled dog musher hats. They probably moved there so they could cool off. Shit NYC had 38 days over 90 last year can you imagine what it’s like in Austin if you have to wear a scarf?
I don’t have to imagine. The only time you see those dumbass ragged scarves and the Kyle Roflowski hats is when the temperature is above 90. (Last weekend, my wife and I were at a big annual home tour, and the hipster contingent out there, barely tolerating it only because it was Mother’s Day, would have made you sick. My “favorite” was with the yupster so busy playing with his iPhone that he walked over three no-parking signs between the street and the sidewalk. He just looked at them as if asking “How did that happen?”, and then promptly went back to his call, fucking up at least two family photos in the process.)
FUNNY AS A HALF-EATEN PRE-FAB-SPANDEX DOWEL BLOW-OUT LYIN IN THE GUTTER….
YEP/-LIVE FROM GAINESVILLE-THEY B EVERYWHERE-TRUST FUNDERS W/ CHECKS CUT FROM SOME FERN BAR REGUNION OF MOM N DADS GATED ‘WE KILLED F.M.’ 30TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY-GATED -FUCKED-UP ASOCIATION DEAL.
THESE PEOPLE ARE TERRIFYING-
http://gawker.com/5800433/berserk-naked-racist-wig+out-marks-another-day-on-the-nyc-subways
It can’t be a hipster behind this one, though. The guy had too much muscle tone, and he didn’t have five or six buddies pasting the URL for his blog all over everything.
Maybe he’s the racist hipster from that one “fishing for hipsters” who claimed to do 50 push-ups before he really woke up in the morning?
Seriously though, when this guy comes down from whatever he’s on, he’s going to be EMBARASSED! Is his microscopic peepee the reason he hates niggers so much?
ROTFLMAO!!!
OMG!!! I couldn’t stop laughing at that comment.
I suspect the “progressive” urbanists who are always shoving sparklers up everyone’s ass about how wonderful and “European” public transit is, don’t regularly use it.
Nothing like this has ever happened to me on the way to work in my Earth-raping 4×4. In fact, it’s quite relaxing. Sometimes I enjoy turning on the radio and listening to the news about the latest stabbings on my city’s transit system.
Then I have a sip of nice, hot coffee, and chuckle to myself.
Fuck you, public transit.
Good news BK — according to this (which was almost certainly written by a hipster), the most hipsteryest place is Minnesota.
Now obviously the criteria they used to come to this determination is at least a little bit flawed. But just the same, I thought I’d share it.
link: http://www.buzzfeed.com/chrismenning/the-most-hipster-state-in-the-us
read the comments in that link. seriously they are PROUD of it!!!! and the “at least we’re not guidos” comments lol. you can SMELL the jealousy from those of them who can’t get outta their state!!! it’s them, but without the trustfunds. scary shit, but hysterical to read the comments.
*rob*
This is good. Maybe the shiny new objects are in Minnesota now, and they’ll leave Williamsburg to go chase after them.
STILL WEEPING BLOOD OVER BEATING/COMMENTS & BUM-A-THON~
NEW HERE…TY FOR SUBSCRIPTION-LOVE THESE POSTS. SORRY YOU ALL GET TO PAY TOO-IN TAX AND RAISED RENT/PRICES….HAPPENED HERE-
ALL FOR THAT -(IN YOUR CASE…URBAN-EXISTENTIAL-WTF?)-COSTS ALOT TO LOOK UNEMPLOYED & WGORTHLESSLY NON-COMMITTAL THESE DAYS
Sometimes it’s the parents of the hipsters that need the beatings, in addition to the hipsters.
Precious Snowflake in his entire life, has never been interested in anything having to do with going outdoors. Not even for wiffleball or kickball games, which he would suck at anyway. Now all of a sudden he wants to play around on a powerboat. Daddy Snowflake has one that has a little outboard on it that can barely pull a waterskier. Precious is only allowed out on it about 4x/year, and never without daddy’s strict supervision. I don’t know why daddy snowflake won’t let Precious use his boat.
But daddy wants Grandpa to let Precious take out Grandpa’s boat. Understand that Precious has ZERO boating safety experience, has never driven any boat all by himself, has never lifted a finger to help Grandpa with the maintenance on his boat, wouldn’t know what to do if the engine stalled. He doesn’t know how to swim, in case he had to swim away from the boat he just wrecked.
Needless to say, Grandpa isn’t super psyched about Precious taking his boat out, using all the gas and not refilling the tank, not helping out with the maintenance, will probably sink it to the bottom, and not pay for repairs.
The Snowflake family and all their clueless entitled snowflake friends are very put out that Grandpa is “such an asshole” for not being enthusiastic about this. Grandpa knows that chances are very good if he lets Precious use his boat, he’ll probably have to pay for it to be towed off the rocks and hauled away to the dump after Precious totals it.
Why can’t daddy just buy him a boat? They have to sponge off of Grandpa(it wouldn’t be the first time). And their entitled attitude about it SUCKS. They EXPECT Grandpa to let Precious use his boat, fuck it up, and leave it for somebody else to fix, or possibly drown himself, and that’s all supposed to be OK.
Here’s a concept: if Precious wants a boat so badly, he should get a JOB and pay for one himself. Just like what my brothers and I did when we were his age.
They hate me with every cell their bodies for suggesting that Precious should get a job. He’s going to be 22 soon and never had one that was’nt an unpaid internship or once-in-a-while DJ gig. I am sick and tired of hearing how precious they all are, and they do absolutely nothing impressive whatsoever. But he is Precious, and he is going to save the world with his very expensive advanced degrees in Art History and Film Theory!!
So I say the parents should get a beating too.
But didn’t you know that delayed gratification melts the edges of pwecious snowflakes? You can’t expect Schnookums to work a job to get what he wants. Why, it might put him off doing whatever comes to his diseased little brain.
(Back in the Eighties, I remember the story of the one McDonald’s in Highland Park, the very expensive and exclusive Dallas suburb that was home to Mary Kay Ashe and George W. Bush, among others. This was back when the minimum wage was just bumped from $3.10 to $3.30, but the Highland Park McDonald’s started its pay scale at $8 and jumped much higher after 30 days’ experience. Officially, anybody could apply to work there, but it was really nothing but a workfare program for Highland Park High kids whose parents wanted them to have some real work experience before heading to SMU’s law or business schools. Of course, those same parents were just shocked that anybody might have issues with the much higher pay, and several were quoted as saying “You can’t expect my child to work for minimum wage, can you?”)
Hah! Last summer Precious couldn’t get any unpaid internships. Grandpa told him he had to get a summer job. But Snowflake’s helicopter mom told Grandpa “You can’t expect my child to work for minimum wage, can you?” pretty much verbatim. So Precious sat on his ass and played video games indoors all summer,when he wasn’t chasing after rilly kewel shiny objects in Bushwick. He’s in the pipeline now, getting ready for a parentally(and grandparentally) funded staycation in Williamsburg. I know I’m going to be hearing that one any day now.
Agree the parents are much to blame for how their loser children turn out.
But now that the hipsters are adults, I hold them 100% accountable for their actions.
The Joshes, Zoeys, and Ethans of the world have to be given space and freedom in order to let their artistic side bloom, and simply cannot be encumbered with Inconveniences like jobs or other responsibilities. Those things are best left to the peasants who can’t afford a $7 cupcake from Ethan’s Ye Olde Brooklyn Soy Latte Collective.
“A Brooklyn institution since 2009″
I was laughing out loud on the subway this morning – check out this article from today’s Metro New York paper.
http://www.metro.us/newyork/local/article/856735–hipsters-to-blame-for-census-losses
Councilwoman Diana Reyna talking about how stupid transplant hipsters didn’t fill out the census because it ‘wasn’t cool’, and the underreporting of the NYC population will result in $2.4 Billion less in Federal funds than what we would get if the population was accurately reported.
Nice going hipster assholes – of course you don’t give a fuck because you are coasting on a trust fund while you ‘find yourself’ as a 41 year old teenager, and will just end up back in Ohio anyway when the real effects of reduction in funding hit the city.
THEE ARE THE OFF-SPRING OF THE ‘NEW-URBANISM’ HERE-That sort of disneyesque-facist/idea that is somewhat surreal-based mostly on voodoed banking math/
here-it erases towns/jobs …
there-you are going to get a really way—-more complicated mix ills/
meanwhile-the coffee gets fuckin weirder—& the whole deal is a false map of the world—/flat-like the booty Meagan inna jeggin sports lookin like a reflection in A CAR door
last post-keys stick/-Post starts THESE’….-not”THEE”/
I wont post w/o checking this/sorry/
what working folks can afford…
I appreciate this blog and I hate hipsters and entitled yuppie brats. But you gotta quit lumping California in with these mid-west states that these little assholes are migrating from. Clearly you’ve never been to Los Angeles, Compton, Oakland, etc. I’ve lived in Queens & Brooklyn as well as parts of Nor & So CA off and on, and take it from me, NYC isn’t any more “hard” than many of the urban and metropolitan areas of CA. I’d say both states are virtually equal playing fields in terms of urban culture, diversity, population, and overall importance in the global market. I’ve known dozens of NYers who have transplanted to CA and were not written off by its people and thrown in the same bag as artsy shmartsy rich kids. Some people know how to differentiate between real people and fucking clowns. CA is hardly JUST Hollywood and the most liberal stereotypes of SF, just like NY isn’t JUST the Hamptons and Lower East Side. So really, can we stay focused on the REAL enemy here please?
Here in Cali, in the Los Angeles area, they (hipsters) seem to be sticking primarily to downtown, Thai Town, Junction and Silverlake…Venice they do venture, but hardly do the hipsters invade the Samo west side (Santa Monica). Here in L.A. we do have a conglomerate of “scene kids” (trendy pool parties and such) and the hipsters..it seems its hard to determine who is who amongst the masses. We do have many amazing mom and pop boutiques and eateries as well (owned by old hippie couples, or someone over 40), some of them are yes, organic or vegan..but then next door you’ll find a once peaceful cafe now taken over by hipsters. Hard to tell them apart, we don’t breed them out here and us film industry people tend to laugh at them when they try too hard…it’s kind of obvious and sad at the same time when it’s a trend to be a douchebag with a chip on his or shoulder….gives Silverlake and all our other quant hoods a bad name….in short we want them out too.
LMAO!! Shitster parents getting their asses pwnd all over the WORLD!
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9LinzE_85I&w=560&h=349
‘why you no masculine role model for boy?’
I wish Yia Yia would call out the hipster douchebag parents in my family! DOUG, Y U NO HAVE JOB !?!?!? YOU ARE WIFE!! (kids laugh at his sorry ass)
LOL!! Yes I know!! I was laughing all night at this. I think the company knew their targeted audience are these slack ass hipster parents that tend to consume alot of their overpriced hummus.
Attention-seeking beardo tries to burn Old Glory in Louisiana and gets it handed to him:
http://www.wafb.com/story/14626266/american-flag-supporters-stop-flag-burning-at-lsu
http://philadelphiatnt.wordpress.com/
a few more for your slingshot.
wow-Pat-
I guess if this ?coffee jag b.s. is part of the east coast art scene/-or Art scene anywhere—it’s not a part I’m of.
I suppose I knew these sicifants abound-breed-thrive…AND do make the next jeggined falsely-entitled buncha perpetual grad students-
sad it gets tied to anyone’s work.
makes it harder is all.
these people are sicking-all bout them/coffee-beiun’een….
I still ell-and need to-work///portraits-
after this-might jut specialize in cooter & stay on da beach….airbruhing/at leat it’s–not that/but we dont hhave ‘cene’ like that too near here.
i could be wrong-but I think New Orleans-Mobile carrie it’ own culture with-out the extra flair-food’ plenty good w/o 8.00/coffee I can’t pronounce.
Helluva post-ha-I’m-ill…
I swear they ALLL look alike! No matter where you are in the country, you will see CLONES of them everywhere. I swear I just seen half those idiots in my trader joe’s in Santa Monica just yesterday!!! Talk about ‘cookie cutter’ trends. I swear I saw that guy w/ the crooked nose and beanie dry humping his orange juice carton and staring at people around him like he was some sort of Jim Morrisson reincarnate….we looked at him and just shook our heads with pity…
coffee nazis, laptops, beardos, cokebottle eyeglasses, cankles, lumberjack shirts, bedbugs, more laptops, it’s all the exactly the same wherever you go.
But they are so unique and urban and show us all what culture is.
ha!
cooter
scooters
perfect…..
houlda saw that comin up main street…..a whuppin’ classic/
“I fear I am painting the off-spring of yuppies……& my sins are more than I can bear…….
-in theatres now-
Die Hipster, can you please ban this guy?
[...] for the woman in this picture – she is the girlfriend of a Hipster Beating Victim from May 9th, 2011 who also got a cupcake tattoo on his upper coffee stirrer. How can she have driven herself to [...]