Today’s hipster beating.
Posted: November 15, 2010 Filed under: Today's hipster beating. 35 Comments »Today, I saw a Pink Panther-physiqued, cage-free Bushwick chicken raising, leg warmer wearing hipster twirling the end of his moustache as he decided if he wanted an organic cranberry scone or kelp crackers for breakfast. So I stuffed him into his man purse – spun around - and flung it hammer throw style back to Ohio. End of story.
And for a bit of fun, just wait until the latest fad among Portland attention-seeking ecobrats decides to go to New York. I’m surprised that they didn’t try to rob the banks and then escape via bicycle.
I can’t believe people still rob banks. You don’t need to be D.B. Cooper to realize how much the risks outweigh the rewards today. Banks don’t have that much cash available, and from the second you step on the bank’s property, you’re on several cameras. Also, if the bank is FDIC insured (I’ve never heard of one that isn’t), you’ve just committed a federal crime.
I can’t agree more. Problem is, these geniuses thought out their bank robbing plan about as well as they thought through their “urban survivalist” strategy. Or, “this is what happens to hipsters whose parents refuse to pay the bills any more, but who don’t have any inherent value other than as vivisection subjects.”
From their blog:
“Pam is also interested in gardening, hand crafted soap, arduino micro controllers, and training for a marathon”
Yeah, you’re going to fit in with the other chicks on the cell block real well.
Jesus Christ.
I actually feel sorry for these two clowns.
If it ever comes down to Urban Survivalism, I’ll do it the old fashioned way – set up a hydroponic grow room and grow green. Not only do you make money, if you’re not greedy or stupid (and don’t smoke the stuff yourself) you can even avoid getting caught.
Besides, it’s more profitable than keeping chickens.
There’s the rub. So many people do that in Portland as it is that there’s no money to be made from it any more. Most of the idiots who do end up blowing all of their money on overpriced grow room gear, and spend so much time smoking their product that they forget to turn on the lights. Two good friends of mine got a really good deal on a house in north Portland, and the house had state-of-the-art wiring to support a full high-tech grow room. The previous owner was so busy toking up that he kindasorta forgot to pay his mortgage.
Like a lot of things in life, do you do it as a hobby or do you do it to make money? If you do it to make money, you had better live like a recluse somewhere, in a house NOBODY ever visits EVER. You can’t bring girls (or boys) home ever (I wouldn’t even trust an excort). Then there’s the subject of business partners. Every extra person you bring in means dividing the proceeds more.
Then there’s all the lights, the smell, the electricity bills, the police helicopters with infrared scanners..
Then there’s the distribution. If you sell wholesale to a dealer, there’s half your money gone. If you deal it yourself, you put yourself at risk.
I think I’ll stick with IT for now and let the morons get caught.
Hear hear.
Speaking of which, they found Waldo?
http://apexnewsnetwork.com/27454/where%E2%80%99s-waldo-bank-robber-arrested-after-facebook-confession/
Sadly, Woody Allen is a sex god compared to “Waldo”. (Trust a Portland hipster to give himself away by bragging online about his crime. He probably made faces for his mugshot, too, just in the hope of making “The Smoking Gun”.)
and then when people call this fine example of the wealthy educated elite an absolute fucking buffoon waste of life, he can pull a fucking peewee herman ‘i meant to do that’ like all hipsters tend to do when they have no defense and call it ‘a commentary on social media and modern day narcissism.
From the article:
“When contacted by the press West explained that she was a long time friend of Holmsley’s although she has not seen him since May. They were writing an indie comic book together she said. ‘He is a genius. He is an artist,’ West said ‘He is not violent. Just melodramatic and heavily influenced by Hollywood outlaw films.’”
He is a genius.
So smart, in fact, that he posted all types of incriminating evidence all over his facebook page, then checked himself into a public hospital using his real name, where he was a sitting duck.
He’s so smart and so urban and so cool. Just like all the other geniuses and artists we know…
‘He is a genius. He is an artist,’ West said ‘He is not violent. Just melodramatic and heavily influenced by Hollywood outlaw films.’”
sounds like a fucking moron to me.
But…but they’re working on an INDIE COMIC BOOK!
Which all means that robbing banks could be considered a “retro” form of crime nowadays, so of course it would appeal to hipsters.
Am I the only one who wants to start a campaign suggesting that only true retro enthusiasts play Russian roulette with an automatic?
Where do you think we (Die Hipster readers) fit into this handy little cartoon. I’m going to venture a guess and say 99 percent of us are the second guy from the left.
http://www.dustinland.com/dlands/dland.hipster.jpg
Unfortunately I’m the one on the far left!!!
I was #’s 4 and 5 – 30 years ago……
In Williamsburg.
The problem with that “theory” is that you don’t need two people together to compare who is hipster or not. I can spot on a mile away standing all alone.
Well, I think you just proved his point. You are the second person. You are comparing your own self to that person you spot one mile away.
Ok # 3. Thanks.
I guess it’s similar to porn…you know it when you see it.
The problem is that porn fills a useful role in society but hipsters do not.
Funny. I always compare “Hipster Art” to “Extreme Porn”. Both terms are so redundant by now as to be meaningless.
Once you’ve seen one hipster art show, you’ve seen them all.
Once you’ve seen one dick go into a pussy you’ve seen them all.
(I know people who disagree with me on both counts but that’s for another forum).
Nothing new here. Move along folks.
Would it upset y’all if I said I resembled the pipe smoking unicorn?
I won’t lie. I might be somewhere between the second from the left and third from the left…which means I’m probably the third from the left.
Did you spot Carrie Bradshaw over on the right?
HA!
I really wanted to say something about the beekeeping unicorn, but I couldn’t think of anything funny enough. Nice work!
That cartoonist ripped off “Frank the Unicorn.”
Hey you guys, did any of you see THIS? What are your thoughts…Josh or not?
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2010/11/16/2010-11-16_chelsea_fight_club_teen_who_set_off_homemade_bomb_just_another_punk.html
- Commited a crime to pay tribute to a fictional character.
- Apparently has no remorse or offers no appology.
- Plead to avoid serious time.
- Horrible ugly underdeveloped facial hair.
- Mop-top that’s clearly styled to look unstyled.
Yep, I’d say he’s a josh.
He’s not a boy, not yet a Josh but he’s certainly getting there.
In my ongoing efforts to insure that police officers in Williamsburg, Bushwick and Greenpoint hate hipsters as much as we all do, I have been posting links to this blog on several of their Facebook pages as I happen to have several friends on the force. Well, good news… seems now that it is catching on to the point that several of them are posting Hipster Beatings from the archives on their pages, comparing them to actual events they have encountered and laughing, and commenting on them daily. Understand that these guys do so at risk to themselves as they have told me that even their private emails and social network sites are monitored by the NYPD. Apparently it’s something they have to agree to, and none of them will post here, but they do read it. So, appreciate the bravery even at this level. Now, the next time one of these licorice-bodied, urban rodeo clowns gets i-mugged, they will have no sympathy from the law, not that they ever did, but on a much larger scale than ever. I say a diehipster.com pin be created to be worn on uniform collars, hat brims or holsters for our brave men and women in uniform.
Thanks for passing that on. I can only imagine how tired they get of having to answer calls from Phil Collins wannabes crying because their unlocked bikes were stolen.