Reward: Lost penis sculpture made from beard hair.

Like I said in a comment yesterday. It’s rare, extremely rare, but I have run into decent, nice, funny, creative and smart people that wear the hipster uniform, live in ‘those’ certain neighborhoods, and are basically hipsters. Unfortunately, they are sprinkled in with thousands and thousands of reject wanna-be’s that everybody seems to hate. The ones who are talentless, flyover state, treehouse kids one day and magically become shaggy vintage rockstars and artists the next day in Brooklyn. The ratio is about 1000:1.

 For example, if the thought of making molds of your penis out of resin and beard hair as an art project crosses your mind then you are absolutely one of the thousand space wasting wanna-be’s. Look at this craigslist ad. Don’t know if this guy really lost his penis or if this was a way to market him self on craigslist.

Lost: Penis Sculpture (Chelsea)


Date: 2010-03-28, 6:06PM EDT
Reply to: comm-hgvt2-1665790006@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


 

Lost penis sculpture. Last seen on Feb 4th, 2010 around 1:00 am on display during the art show BYOA at X Initiative located on 548 W 22nd St. The art piece is a life size realistic sculpture of the artist’s penis and testicles made out or resin and beard hair. There were four Mark Billy penises on display but only one peach colored one went missing. See attached photos and links… 
    

 Please contact the artist Mark Billy if you have any information regarding his missing penis sculpture.

44 thoughts on “Reward: Lost penis sculpture made from beard hair.

  1. it’s like we’ve said, over and over…

    this stuff writes itself…

    i mean, come on…

    artist or assrag…

    is there even a debate?

  2. You know what man….Matt Gross stole that shit…and stuck it right up his ass…He’s sitting on it right now.

  3. You know what? I bet that was a VERY SMALL sculpture hint, hint. I mean, since most hipster “males” are really she-males..

    Maybe Steve Lam took it and is using it right now.

  4. The hipster sexual revolution is in full swing:
    —————————————————————–
    http://brooklynpaper.com/stories/33/14/33_14_ac_andy_in_a_box.html

    Andy in a box! Our columnist gives the gift of love
    By Andy Campbell
    The Brooklyn Paper
    *** Enlarge this image *** —> LOLOLOLOL!!!

    I’ve cast myself in plenty of my own fantasies, but as of this week, I officially have a way to make those dreams a reality.

    That’s right — in the name of news and the legends who wrote before me, I took on what is possibly the greatest feat of journalism since the publication of the Pentagon Papers: I have allowed a Williamsburg sex shop to cast an exact replica of my penis.

    You might remember our coverage of Shag, the new swank sex toy shop on Roebling Street, and its special body casting and artwork. And when we wrote “body casting,” we really meant “penis casting.”

    You might ask why anyone would want a perfect model of his manhood. For me, the yearning to have Shag make a dildo version of myself was strictly journalistic. Who better than this reporter, who puts himself out there every day, to inform the public about the process?

    Shag owners Sam Bard and Ashley Montgomery-Pulido have other reasons for providing this vital service.

    “If you have one made, you can say to someone, ‘Go f– yourself’ — but mean it in a good way,” Bard said.

    The end product is no Steely Dan, but a malleable, silicone sex toy, replicating every intricacy of the male genitalia, stem to stern as it were.

    Of course, I chose green.

    My pride swelled even larger when I found that my penis was Shag’s first specimen — and I didn’t even have to buy anyone dinner.

    I’ll digress by answering the most-obvious questions first: Yes, I had to shave. Yes, I had to be — and stay — erect during the molding process. Yes, the owners saw my penis (yes, they were impressed). Yes, the testicles are involved. And yes, I did have the option of turning the new toy into a vibrator (but you know me, I’m old-school).

    That said, my hard times with Bard and Montgomery-Pulido were comfortable and professional (alas, a bit too professional); they’ve seen it all before.
    Mac Support Store

    “Sex is a part of almost everybody’s life, no matter who they are,” Montgomery-Pulido said as she began whipping up the goo into which I would soon insert my member. “Part of our mission is to break down the barriers between sex and art, and allow people to check their inhibitions at the door.”

    After I spent a little time in a private room with a TV and some DVDs (you know, a few “Simpsons” re-runs to get in the mood), the cast was ready and I was called into the basement. A hand-held tube was filled with the gooey alginate (warm apple pie indeed!) and I made my entry. The owners were gracious enough to hold the cast up for me while I furiously tried to stop thinking about spring training and keep focusing on all the hands, bodies and activity around me. The process was finally over once the messy mixture hardened on their hands.

    Montgomery-Pulido and Bard spent the next two weeks drying and filling a series of molds that will soon become a shining reminder of my huge feat. Of course, we all know that a silicone toy will pale in comparison to the real deal (in my humble opinion), but it’s nice to know that there’s now more of me to go around.

    Tune in next week for the climax of this story.

    • Oh, they were impressed, were they? At what, other than the fact that he masturbates by slicing pubic hairs until he finds the one that bleeds? (C’mon: really. Do you really think that synergy of overwhelming arrogance and crippling insecurity known as a weekly newspaper reporter would admit in print to having a schlong that was significantly smaller than average? Or does his definition of “impressed” somehow include “laughing and pointing”?)

    • Actually, no mention of what happens to pubic hairs. Are you supposed to shave before the molding begins? Are pubic hairs stuck in the silicone.. ???

      • Shaving? That depends:

        Do you want the imprint of pubs in the “sculpture”?

        I have a suspicion that the medium can be removed with some kinda solvent…hopefully its not toxic to dicks.

      • With most casting like that, it depends upon what you’re using. If you’re using dental alginate for casting, then you really only need a bit of petroleum jelly. If they’re making a mold that could be used multiple times, though, the hair WILL stick. (Yeah, I studied theatrical makeup in high school. Does it show?)

  5. And while we’re on the subject of the hipster sexual revolution, let us not forget the wonderfully talented Matt and Kim.

    • Note how the only people who seem to be surprised at this are tourists. With everyone else, the attitude is “Oh, geez. More moron hipsters again.” (I will say that I love the last couple of seconds. If only this happened more often.)

      • It should be obvious watching that video that:
        1. It’s all staged. The spectators, cops and freshly swept sidewalk are too much of a giveaway. That whole thing might even have been filmed in a studio and digitally inserted. How else could kids be present?
        2. Kim has less cleavage than Matt making me wonder why the pixellation. God, I hated pixellated nudity when MTV did it in “The Real World”. Not only does it ruin any impact the nudity might have had, it also makes me feel like an idiot, like I couldn’t handle it. I really, really, really want to smash both of their ugly shit-eating mugs.
        3. Note the Am-Appy product placement. It’s either granny underwear or Y-fronts for hipster chicks.

        • I have to admit that I was being a smartass about the ending, because you’re right. The whole thing was staged, probably with the intent of having people discuss whether or not it was. This was probably a CGI event comparable to an episode of Walking With Dinosaurs, where nothing other than the background is real.

        • And along that line, we had a similar attention-seeker pull that same shit at Dealey Plaza in downtown Dallas for her music video. After the yammering and wharblegarbling stops, I figure her album and that single will go into well-deserved obscurity, because if the only way you can sell something other than porn is by flashing tits with it, it probably doesn’t have enough behind it to sustain it for the long term. (Interestingly, she was “inspired” by Matt & Kim here, which also tells me that while the end was faked, they probably ran around naked for a while, getting all of the attention they could grab.)

          • (Another Dallasite here!)

            No…Erykah Badu’s stunt wasn’t even half as stupid as that. Did you watch to the end of the video? At least she was trying to make a point, no matter if she (rather naively) mishandled it.

            I guarantee that Matt and Kim here had no point other than “omigod! ppl will think we’re like, so avant-garde and shit!”

    • They both should have been locked up for felonious ugliness. I’d rather fuck a knothole than touch that skinny skanky thing! Too bad the bus wasn’t real.

    • Another one of those “hot” hipster girls we always hear about. She actually looks like our shemale buddy Steve Lame.

      Filthy worthless morons.

      • Except shemales invest in breast implants.

        She has a dick. That’s why they have pixels.

    • OK, After subjecting you all to the Matt and Kim pukefest, just as a comparison, let’s look at what erotica comes form other countries.
      From Russia, teenage lesbians (who are really str8) getting orgasms while fantasizing about each other.

      “Simple Moves” as in “Fingering my Vagina”. She is dreaming about her girlfriend while fingering herself in a public bathroom.

      The chick’s are both 14!!!!
      WHY CAN’T HIPSTERS MAKE SOMETHING THIS EDGY???

      “Half Hour Without You” (30 minutes), lesbian terror fetish.
      COULD NEVER BE MADE IN THE USA!!!
      (Banned in Britain)

      I’ve been to Russia several times and, believe me, that place restores my faith in humanity. There is so much shit you can get away with there you would never believe it.
      No hipster would survive 5 seconds in Moscow. And that’s the friendliest city. St. Petersburg or any smaller city, 1 second max!!!!

  6. I THINK IT IS TIME FOR ANOTHER WONDERFUL EPSIODE OF FISHING FOR HIPSTERS

  7. The ones who are talentless, flyover state, treehouse kids one day and magically become shaggy vintage rockstars and artists the next day in Brooklyn.

    THOSE ARE THE MAIN
    MOTHERFUCKERS WHO CLAIM TO BE FROM BROOKLYN AFTER ONLY JUST 1 MONTH OF LIVING IN BROOKLYN

    GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT BULLSHIT

  8. MOTHERFUCKERS START GETTING ALL NERVOUS AND SHIT JUST LIKE A DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS WHEN THEY ARE ASKED WHERE THEY ARE FROM

    IT IS ALMOST LIKE THEY ARE SAYING TO THEMSELVES…

    “OH SHIT THIS NATIVE RIGHT HERE IS CALLING ME OUT ON MY BULLSHIT WHAT ON EARTH AM I GOING TO DO??????”

    BACK WHEN NEW YORK CITY WAS A REAL URBAN CITY THESE PASTY TRANSPLANTED WANNA-BE URBAN PIECES OF SHIT WOULD HAVE GOT THEIR ASSES KICKED ON A DAILY BASIS

  9. BASEBALL SEASON IS STARTING SOON

    YOU WILL NEVER SEE ONE OF THOSE ATTENTION SEEKING TRANSPLANT PIECES OF SHIT AT A YANKEES GAME THOUGH

    THE VIBE OVER THERE AT YANKEES STADIUM IS TOO NATIVE AND AUTHENTIC FOR THEM

  10. I’m betting that this is a publicity stunt. Once again to those stalkers reading this and seething with impotent rage over our making fun of you, if you’re so bereft of talent that you literally have to show off your pee-pee over and over, GIVE UP NOW. (This includes the smegma recipe chefs and the semen art enthusiasts.) Really. Get a good phallic substitute such as a 12-gauge full of slugs, put it in your mouth, and give the triggers a good tickle. It’ll make much more of a positive impression than anything you’re going to do with your two-inch tool, art or otherwise.

    • Good call. Man, I wish I had the time to play hipster polo all day. No, wait: I don’t, because I still get aches and pains from the time I broke ribs in a regular bike accident. I’m too allergic to pain to want to put up with that shit after playing horsie with my bike.

      • Yeah an especially nice touch is the DFL lawn sign turned front wheel cover on the one flea factory’s front tire.
        FYI the DFL is the yupster party of choice here in MN when they’re affraid to vote Green for fear of losing.

    • That actually looks fun

  11. I don’t know about you but these turd dumplings are not that sexy to me.

    I would never, ever EVER sex one of these ugly fucking megans.

    First you got a lose/win situation hot on the outside, which is pretty fucking rare..but the minute she opens up her month…
    I lose wood….

    Then, you got the lose/lose situation FUCKING UGGA MUGGA…..DAMN! and a stinky bitch too! Ugly outfits, stank breath, stringy dirty hair, and all she can say is A W E S O M E……..
    Nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    Now these chicks like to take off their clothes…but Im not entirely convinced *thats* about sex….but they really need to cover that ugly, hairy shit up. Most of these chicks got either hairy saggers or are flat like men….In case it is about sex…FYI Megans, *that* kinda display = lost wood. Also I would guess that it freaks out the Joshes too cuz it reminds them of their hairy-ass crunchy birkenstock wearing, nudist colony mothers back in Wisconsin.

    As for the Joshes, SODOMITES. All the facial hair and lumberjack outfits…its spelled B E A R.

    Now, do they fuck each other? Are they in the midst of a sexual revolution??? NERRRRRRRRRR……
    but they probably lie about it.

    1. I doubt Megans can give good oral, but the Joshes are real cocksuckers…they’d argue about it.
    2. Also, Josh of course wants anal, but Megan’s too uptight for that shit. He’s gotta resort to stealing works of art to cram up his ass. (Perhaps *that* is revolutionary…)
    3. Megan can never be on top cuz Josh is way to scrawny to support her weight. His protruuding skeleton pokes her soft flabby belly….yuck
    4. Mostly sex is vanilla with this set, but sometimes, they get wild and listen to William Shatner read Kenneth Patchen poems while Josh licks the toejam offa Megan’s dirty feet.

    • I remember reading somewhere (don’t feel like googling it) that a lot of hipster guys blow each other in the bathrooms and their women can’t understand it.
      It’s like, not just occasionally, it’s every single time. The explanation given was that men understand men’s desires better.
      Maybe Joshes know how to give head and Megans don’t.

      Funny, I remember hanging out in Latin clubs back in the day (I’m white/non-hispanic) and fucking those women. Man could they blow!!!!!
      Just goes to show how being down with the natives and being adventurous pays off.
      Like you IKJ, I wouldn’t touch one of those Megans either. Except to steal her wallet and iPhone. :)

      • I’ve always been partial to hot DOminican girlies in tight pants and low-cut tops. These girls can dance, cook and are fantastic in the sack. Sometimes they can be a little hairy, but on them its sexy.

    • I don’t think you’ve had sex with anyone for a very long time IKJ – that’s why you’re so crabby!

  12. What do you want to bet someone is 100k in debt to art school for learning how to make that shit.

    • Even better, Jack, is that said moron probably defaulted on the student loan, because “I don’t feel I got enough out of my time in school.” What’s funny is that when these shitheads hit their forties and fifties, suddenly they’re in a panic about being homeless (this is usually about the time their parents finally cut off the financial spigot), and they scramble for easy work with lots of job security. In most places, this means government jobs, but as of 1999, anyone who defaults on a student loan cannot work for the US government.

      I know this because my ex-wife, a grand hipster inspiration, defaulted on her loan shortly after we got married and hid it from me. (Her attitude was “the collection agents stopped calling me, so I thought I didn’t owe it any more.”) For the next three years, very hefty income tax refund checks were garnisheed to pay off the remaining balance (since I was married to her, it was my financial responsibility, too), and I learned firsthand that the IRS was only pulled into this because that’s the only way to convince thousands of deadbeat entitlement brats that they needed to fulfill their legal obligations. At the time, this sucked farts from dead cats, but now that I’m away from her? It’s actually very entertaining to discover that she can’t qualify for any government job of any sort because of that default. That English Lit degree was more expensive than she thought.

  13. government jobs are still the best when it comes to job security `,:

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