All I can think of when I see this hipsters face.
Posted: March 3, 2010 Filed under: Main 73 Comments »
d i e h i p s t e r . c o m
A place for real New Yorkers to vent about the invasion of attention starved, useless adults that we know as hipsters.
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Naah. Put his face on every sheet of a roll of Charmin, and now you’re talking. Of course, knowing that repressed crowd, he’d probably thank you for it.
Uses for nasalboy Matt’s face:
1) Punching bag. A heavy hanging one you can hit with a Louisville Slugger
2) Toilet paper. 1000 wipes
3) Shooting range target
4) Urinal backdrop
5) Planned Parenthood poster
6) Douche bottle label
At least Ichabod shows some respect for the people around him, unlike self-absorbed Matt and his baby accessory.
Good point about the urinal backdrop. Put Matt’s face on a urinal cake, and you’ll get people drinking eight and ten gallons of water a day just to get the supreme satisfaction of pissing on him over and over. (Again, though, knowing the type, Matt would probably get off on the thought of dozens or hundreds of complete strangers pissing on him.)
Hahahahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Should have been sterilized.
Speaking of babies, I laughed just like this upon seeing that punching bag picture just now:
Well, you won’t hear babies laughing like that in a bar. They’ll be usually bawling “Get Me Out Of This Boring Fucking Shithole” in babytalk.
I know. I HATED being taken to bars where I couldn’t run around and play when I was a kid.
YUPSTER ADVISES OTHER YUPSTERS TO…
“And for god sakes, make eye contact with people on the street, say hello now and then to people who don’t look or dress like you!”
ANOTHER YUPSTER SAYS…
“It’s not fun having a gun put to your face on the way to a house party, especially when you’re in a “safe group” of three people-plus two guys, walking at 9:45pm.”
YET ANOTHER YUPSTER DOUCHE SAYS…
“I have almost given up on the situation getting better. I can only imagine how many more crimes will be committed when it is summer and the weather is nicer. I thought the colder weather would keep the criminals in doors, but apparently not.”
^ I REALLY WISH I COULD TAKE CREDIT FOR THE ABOVE STATEMENTS. BUT I CANT.
GENTRIFICATION. THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD.
CLICK HERE AND READ FOR YOURSELF.
CAUTION. CLICKING ON THE LINK MAY INDUCE UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER.
http://borderstan.com/2010/01/26/police-robbers-targeting-pedesterians-with-iphones/
Wonderful.
“a “safe group” of three people-plus two guys” – LOL!!
Another hipster gem, proving once again that I’m right when I say:
HIPSTER MALES CAN’T GET LAID IN A TURD WORLD BROTHEL WITH A MILLION DOLLARS FERCHRISSAKES!!!!
I believe the official term is “they couldn’t get laid in Tijuana with a jockstrap full of $100 bills,” but that sums things up well, too.
“Stop casually strolling down the street blabbing on your phone, anticipate potential risks, yank those white headphones out of your ears, and carry a decoy wallet.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Not related to this particular post, but someone on the hipster bus thread mentioned Erica Reitman, who I hadn’t heard of, so I did a Google search and the first thing that came up was this: http://brokeassstuart.com/2009/11/05/broke-ass-of-the-week-erica-reitman-of-fucked-in-park-slope/
Jesus H. Christ, this whole boasting-about-being-”broke” schtick pisses me off. I looked at “Broke-Ass Stuart’s Guide To New York” in a bookstore one day because I was hoping to find tips on things like buying discount furniture or negotiating a good cable deal. Surprise surprise, the whole thing turned out to be nothing but a list of which East Village and Williamsburg bars have 3-dollar drink specials.
I don’t pretend to be some kind of blue collar tough guy (I’m just a middle-class midtown IT schlub), but you don’t have to be raised in the projects to know that actual poor people don’t run around bragging about how little money they have. I knew this one douchewad who loved to tell anyone willing to listen that he was “like, third world poor.” Guy grew up in one of the ritziest suburbs in Jersey and ended up moving back in with his lawyer daddy when his career as a freelance rock critic failed to take off…
And who the hell calls the recession “the recesh”?
Yeah, she’s so fucking broke that she’s a bullshitting transplant that lives in Park Slope and writes a blog all day for other “broke” fucks like her. People who are “broke” don’t say, “recesh” or “delish” or any other whitebred yupster abbreviation. Now these lemming scumbags are pretending to be “struggling”.
Her despicable site is an insult to the good people of the city who have serious hardships, people who were priced out by scum like her, who are racially profiled in the guise of “culture” by people like her. These people are truly broke and not sipping wine as they whine on a pro-yupster blog all day.
Amen.
Yeah, all us people in Park Slope are oh-so “broke,” so let’s go search for bargain ethnic dining in “the Nabe.” These people need to go fuck themselves.
Growing up, we went out to eat like twice a year. It was a huge deal. For these yupsters, eating out for dinner 5-6 times a week is like a given. They somehow fail to register that it’s not normal or sensible. And then after that and their $4k/mo gentrification rent, they have the stones to complain about money.
That reminds me, this yupster acquaintance of mine gained 15-minutes of pseudo-fame and became a yupster transplant celebrity by writing some bullshit book and blog about the novelty of “not eating out in NY.” Apparently she didn’t catch the News Flash that the vast majority of normal working people in this city don’t eat out every fucking night, nor do they feel the need to eat out every night (or can they even afford to). But I guess that’s all irrelevant when you’re running on Mom and Dad’s suburban remittance dime.
http://noteatingoutinny.com
Don’t get me going. Between the dolts who argue that they have to eat out every night because they don’t like their kitchens and the ones that eat out because “it’s too FARRRRRRRR” to carry back groceries, I’m sick and tired of hearing the excuses, too. They’re not eating at cheap-but-filling places, either. It’s always an overpriced chain so allegedly they can laugh at the clientele of a Chili’s or a Pizza Hut, or it’s some really ridiculously overpriced place where They Can Be SEEN.
By the way, ever notice how the people who push urban gardening in New York the most are the ones usually caught snarfing down three or four Big Macs in secret? Oh, they’re all grand about growing the food, but preparing it? Unless it’s some ridiculous foodie extravaganza where the ingredients alone cost a typical New Yorker’s monthly paycheck, that’s for the little people.
Yep: she’s a marketing director. That explains her use of contractions, because if she’s anything like every other marketing director I’ve ever met, she’s too lazy to pull down her pants when taking a shit.
Here’s a great take on marketing people from a legendary Texan:
What was sad was that when Bill did this routine in Austin and in New York, the audiences really did think he was being ironic. Again, they’re like Trekkies: they automatically think that any commentary about them is really about someone else, and they’ll gleefully point to each other rather than point at themselves.
I find it utterly hilarious (and kind of insulting) that anyone who has chosen, of their own free will, to move to Shit Slope in the last 10 years could have the audacity to complain about “not having money.” It’s like the equivalent of someone staying up all night every night eating fried chicken, chain smoking, boozing, and doing coke for a decade and then complaining about bad health. The whole thing is so fucking stupid it boggles my mind.
I hope I’m not the only one who notices that this Reitman clown works in marketing. She’s obviously applying her trade to her Park Slope pseudo-shit-slinging, and it’s apparently working as the lemmings are buying into it.
These phony lemming fucks know they can’t fool true hard working NYers. Now they will say they are “broke” to hide the ugly truth of their funded pretentious lifestyle to appear authentic in some way and not the dressed up worthless cockroaches that they are. They go so out of their way just to hide who they really are – even if it includes insulting NYC families who don’t know where their next meal is coming from. It’s certainly not coming from Union Market.
With all their diehard-Obama-liberal-talk about “community’, “going green”, and “diversity” Union Market has no community charity program.
From their $ite:
“It’s not just food. It’s an investment.
Organic. Local. All natural. Food like that – the kind we’re passionate about bringing you — tends to cost a little more. Quality usually does. But we think products that nourish you and your family give you the best value in the long run, healthwise and otherwise. So that’s what we carry. Cheap food costs less because it’s worth less. We don’t buy it ourselves. And we won’t sell it to you.”
Yeah, right? These hipster-yuppie worms love to talk about being “broke”–however, foregoing $12 organic cheese and olives at “Union Market” or moving to a normal affordable neighborhood where real people with common sense live is never even an option for them. They’re so full of shit it’s unbelievable.
Ten years ago, self-aggrandizing publicity whores would blow a weekly newspaper editor or two for a regular column, in the desperate hope that they’d get picked up for something Bigger and Better based on their journalistic or observational acumen. These days, they blog. It works about as well now as it did then: anyone stupid enough to hire their favorite columnist or blogger, for any enterprise not involving picking off particularly stubborn dingleberries off the CEO’s ass with his/her teeth, deserves everything they get.
Had an acquaintance who lived in Park Slope who claimed he blogged about movies to pay his rent.
He was such as wuss that after a considerable amount of friendly ball busting by me about his “job” he formally cut me off as his friend!
What a fucking douche!
If he had to deal with a fraction of the shit people scream at me on the job site he would shit his pants and die simultaneously.
Me and my non-hipster friends are still laughing at him to this day.
Kinda wanna apologize just to start making fun of him again.
It always cracks me up when some yupster fuckface claims that their poorly written asinine blogs about fashion, travel and music supports their lifestyle of $3K/month rents, locally grown organic foods, expensive Mac products, trendy clothing, cocaine, special bicycles, and barhopping every night.
I think diehipster should start paying us gentrified Park Slope rent money for blogging about shitbags who make NYC suck.
That’s implying that Diehipster should be paying us instead of the other way around. You’ve got to admit that this is cheaper than therapy. You know, the therapy where you wedge the door on your favorite hipster bar shut right after lobbing about four or five Molotov cocktails inside. That therapy is a lot more fun, but I don’t want any of you getting thirty-to-life.
As for the indignant attitude, I hear you. One of the most annoying shitstains in my town is a blogger for our weekly newspaper: he used to be the lead columnist for the paper until his name became a local profanity. (To this day, any music or film critic who demands lots of freebies in exchange for coverage and then slams the event, band, or film because the freebies came through is referred to as “pulling a Wilonsky”.) He’d really love to go back to his old column job of writing endlessly about comic books and how he’s met every member of the original Star Trek cast, but he’s blogging because otherwise he’d be let go, and he simply cannot believe that Dallas could run without his insights.
Look at the bright side with all of these self-obsessed bloggers. Every last one of them will be famous in about 50 million years, when palaeontologists from the far future dig up their remains. That’s because so many people in our time will be pissing on their graves as soon as they’re dead that their bodies will be preserved in crystals of pure uric acid. You know how reading their “prose” is like passing a bladder stone? Well, this will be a bladder stone big enough to preserve their neckbeards and their Converses.
This site is totally like therapy, man. It was way harder to cope with the trauma of what happened to my neighborhood back when I felt like me and my childhood friends were the only ones who hated the yups with passion. It’s great to be surrounded by others who feel the same way.
Come on in and take your medicine.
And to find out that the anti-hipster creed spreads out so far, eh?
I know a guy like that, too. In this case, his wife used to be my ex-wife’s boss.
Isn’t it funny how indignant the yups get when you suggest that their claimed occupations are full of shit? It’s like they just can’t comprehend why anyone would dare question how a neckbearded “blogger” or “production assistant” can afford to live one of the most expensive neighborhoods in the country, where the rent and cost of living is too expensive even for many lawyers or businesspeople, let alone “production assistants” in their thirties who still ride skateboards.
And back to ol’ Matt, even these folks think he’s a douche: http://gridskipper.com/
I once had a guy tell me that he understood what it was like to be poor. When he was a kid, things were so tight with his family that they only had two cars. Considering that I was riding a bike to work every day because I could afford insurance or rent but not both, I laughed in his face.
reading this erica reitman questionnaire pseudo broke crap made me vomit ten times. for one thing, these douches can’t write. for another, what’s with the creating new words from the word “broke”, like “broketitude” for example. shut the fuck up. you aren’t creative. you ain’t cute. & the guide to being broke = how to find the cheapest yupster hot spots!! what a joke!!!!!!!! how about buying canned beans & eating that for dinner & not spending 23423423 dollars on superfluous/hideous “vintage” yupster furniture.
“the recesh”… hahaha, this site has been gold the past couple days, hellyeah
And you know what else?
Fuck you Matt asshole Josh and Fuck you Nathan Nasaly JOsh pieces of SHIT….
You come on here whining that you’re not a hipster but your fucking site is 100% marketed to hipsters/gentrifying fuckfaces that hate hipsters. Just like that CUNT EriKKKa Reitman….
YOU CAN KISS MY BiRACIAL ASS!
LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING FACE! Look at that dick up the ass expression you have! FUCKING COCK SITTERS! GOod God!!!
I’ve got your fucking picture and if I ever fucking find you I will staple your balls together to protect whats left of our gene pool.
Matt says:
March 3rd, 2010at 4:55 pm(#)
@Eric B.: I’d love to defend myself—if I had any idea what to defend myself against. There’s virtually no new arguments here, certainly none that I didn’t already address in .
But, just for the sake of pedantry, I’ll rehash:
1) From time to time—maybe once a month at most
2) I bring my daughter to a local bar
3) It’s a spacious bar, not sleazy, where the owners don’t mind kids
4) She’s well-behaved and doesn’t bother other patrons
5) If she did, we’d be out of there in a second
6) In any case, we’re out of there by 7, or usually 6:30
7) At most, I’ve had two drinks—and I’m not driving home
So what’s the fucking problem with that? Don’t tell me about other people’s bratty, screaming, shit-smeared children—I don’t care about them. Throw them in the gutter if they show up in your local. They deserve it. If they can’t keep their kids under control, then they should keep thier kids at home. But don’t get between me and my beer just cuz someone else fucked up.
Don’t tell me bars are for adults only—they aren’t.
Don’t tell me I’m a Schwinn-riding, gentrifying yuppie-hipster—I don’t even own a bike.
Don’t paste my face onto a punching bag unless you’re going to do a good job. My kid can Photoshop better than that.
And for those readers who complain about our ironic responses to people like DieHipster, here’s how it goes: Honest, insightful responses get ignored; irony’s all that’s left. Sometimes it’s a tool, sometimes it’s a reflex, and sometimes it’s all we’ve got.
“Don’t tell me I’m a Schwinn-riding, gentrifying yuppie-hipster—I don’t even own a bike.”
Oh really. So now he’s not a gentrifier. That’s really funny, because I don’t ever recall seeing anyone who looked or acted like him around my neighborhood before the year 2000 or so. But hey, if he says he’s not a gentrifying hipster-yuppie, then I guess he must not be one.
Bill, can you give us link?
http://www.dadwagon.com/2010/03/03/crotchfruit-and-other-terms-of-endearment/
comment #17
Thanks man
“Don’t paste my face onto a punching bag unless you’re going to do a good job. My kid can Photoshop better than that..”
Hahahahhahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Didn’t he see DH is being ironic? What a fucking square.
“And for those readers who complain about our ironic responses to people like DieHipster, here’s how it goes: Honest, insightful responses get ignored; irony’s all that’s left. Sometimes it’s a tool, sometimes it’s a reflex, and sometimes it’s all we’ve got”
What responses?
Oh yeah,
Last time I checked “ironic” response is “tool” (or last resort) of weak, under 30 something hipster set……..
He’s definitely making that cocksitter expresssion…..
Hates on other hipster/gentrifiers in suspicious attempt to establish street cred: “Don’t tell me about other people’s bratty, screaming, shit-smeared children—I don’t care about them. Throw them in the gutter if they show up in your local. They deserve it. ”
Yet he’s *not* a hipster…. How can this be???
Hey who used my name on that site? I didnt leave that comment. But his blocked nostril response was amusing. Fuckin dweeb. I swear though, I literally burst into laughter everytime I look at his face. You’re right IKJ, it looks like someone rammed a 12 inch dildo up his ass and said “SMILE DOUCHBAG!!!”
You know what else amazes me. The amount of men that look E-X-A-C-T-L-Y like him. What is it some kind of club? How can anybody nowadays go to an eyeglass store and say, “uhm yeah, ill take those thick frames right there” and then grow a beard to go along with it. It’s so played out already. Arent these hipsters embarrassed t walk around like that already?
“The amount of men that look E-X-A-C-T-L-Y like him. What is it some kind of club?”
Yerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs!!!!
WTF? WHY do they ALL fucking look like that?????????? WHY do they all have that cocksitter expression????????
Fucking cock-sitter-pod-people!!
ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
From day one going way back my friends and I used to always describe the yup males as walking around like they’ve got broomsticks up their asses. It’s like their trademark.. like as though they all just recently learned how to walk, with their fucking marionette bodies.
I was in the service with guys from the sticks of Montana and Kansas who couldn’t figure out which foot to put down when the drill sergeant yelled “left–right–left,” and those dudes STILL looked more natural when they walked than the yupster inbreds I see walking around Williamsburg and Shit Slope.
“Don’t make fun of the way we dress! We’re all expressing our individuality!”
hahahaha
Mattie’s bio:
Matt Gross was born in Concord, Massachusetts, and raised everywhere from Brighton, England, to Williamsburg, Virginia. After graduating from Johns Hopkins University in 1996, he moved to Vietnam, then found his way into the media business in New York. He now writes the Frugal Traveler column for the New York Times travel section, and lives in Brooklyn with his wife, Jean….
Hmmmm starting to smell bad…like a gentrifying fuckface….
Worst roommate ad ever:
http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/roo/1623343583.html
wtf was that!!
I think it went something like this:
“Hey Josh, I just scored some killer acid! Wanna get fucked up?”
“But Zach, my dad just cut my checks by $500, so we’re going to have to find another roommate. I have to finish writing this Craigslist ad.”
“Come on, man, you snooze you lose!”
“Well, OK…”
Hey maybe somebody could let Bunhy & Irina know that there a hip crashpad available….
Funny story from today: I was sitting at my desk at home earlier when I suddenly heard a commotion outside my building. There was a noise like a loud lawn mower engine being revved over and over, along with a bunch of people yelling.
When I jumped up to look out the window and see what was going on, I saw about 10 black and Puerto Rican kids (obviously not from Park Slope) across the street putting together snowballs and lobbing them at something all the way over on my side of the street. When I looked to see what they were throwing the snowballs at, guess what I saw–a yupster turd in a big stupid white helmet on a green Vespa!! The yup was revving up the engine of the Vespa like as if he was a badass and giving the teenagers the middle finger, yelling “Fuck You!!” in his glass-shattering nasal voice. That just made the teens toss more snowballs at him yelling “yo nahh fuck you niggaaa!!!!” Then the yup tried to peel out on his piece of shit scooter, looking like a complete fucking clown in the process.
Needless to say, witnessing that scene made my day. I only wish it would happen more often.
Isn’t it beeeyoooteeful when the neighborhood Black and Puerto Rican boys and girls harass these pompous dipshits. One time I saw a teenage girl get in the face of some bearded schmuck who walked into her while leaving a bodega across from the high school. She said, “Excuse you!” and he turned around and in his snarky nasal tone and said, “Yew should watch wherrr yerr goinnnn.” She proceeded to get in his face and rip him a new asshole while poking his pasty head as her friends surrounded him. This douche looked at me to save him but I just laughed as he turned red and looked as if he was gonna cry.
I used to coach basketball at the Boys Club to kids 10-16. Most of these kids would talk a lot of shit about these yupster fucks moving into the neighborhood and how they would give them a hard time. These kids knew what was going on and I had heard many stories of how gentrification had effected their families in very negative ways. The city eventually tore down the outdoor basketball court and some old houses next to the courts burned down (mysteriously). Within 6 months a row of luxury townhouses were built on that land.
I forgot to mention. Ironically, the lemming yuppie scumbags that moved into those luxury townhouses began to send numerous complaints to the city about the kids making noise at the remaining basketball courts across the street. Gee, I wonder if it was because these kids were black and latino?? Hmmm. I guess they prefer that these kids, who’s homes they’ve invaded and who’s neighborhood has been turned upside down by spoiled, disrespectful, self-absorbed fuckbags, stay on the street.
Yeah man, “loud” is one of the yupster transplants’ favorite racist code words for blacks and Latinos. All those “loud” kids playing basketball next to the yupsters’ gentrification apartments, just like all those “loud” barbecues in Prospect Park and all the “loud” people hanging out in the street in Crown Heights.
Curiously, however, no matter how much noise the yupsters’ own inbred albino children make while high and drunk on 7th Ave every single weekend, no matter how much noise the yupsters make during their stupid indie concerts or kickball games in McCarren or Prospect Park, no matter how much noise Park Slope or Williamsburg hipster-yuppies make during their Obama riots or idiotic gatherings, somehow none of that is “loud.” It’s just the hipster-yuppies engaging in “urban” fun.
http://www.rolfpotts.com/writers/index.php?writer=Matt+Gross
Hipsters should go to Vietnam and never come back!
Look at his picture! He’s got C R A Z Y eyes.
Crazy eyes, nuthin’. What the hell is it about pretentious journalists that they’re ALL growing those idiotic wispy beards to compensate for their male pattern baldness? I cheer on the guys who realize that they’re never going to get their hair back and grow a massive beard instead, and I have nothing but respect for the guys who acknowledge that they’re getting older and just deal with it. This half-assed attempt to look younger and “edgy”, though…
Back when I was still wasting time with weekly newspapers, I looked at too many of my editors, most of whom were younger than I was and already nearly bald, and suspected that really bad cocaine in college was a factor. The more I see the pretentious swots in the blogging community, the more I suspect that I was onto something. Ol’ Matt Gross looks like what would have happened to Frodo in Lord of the Rings if he’d gone out to Mordor on a fixie.
“I loathe the smell of douchebag in the morning! It smells like gentrification!”
He’s not the only westerner who likes Vietnam.
I wonder does he like kiddy diddling too?
look at the grill on matt gross. what a dick. to knowingly take a photo like that.. everyone is trying to pump this “im a quiet dildo with so much to say persona” which matt gross embodies perfectly in that corny ass picture of his. its even on tv with all these frail motherfuckers in hollywood. even the local kids are dressing like these idiots now. everyone skateboards. to park slope=yt i actuallly got arrested in bay ridge when i was 18 while trying to mediate a fight in which a kid got stabbed in the head.for some stupid reason i actually waited for the fuzz to come because i was looking out for the victim. miraculously this cocksucking bohemian pointed me out and said that i was the instigator. likely based on melanin. the worst part is that i was going to court for a year since the victim never showed up to court to verify my actions. i never got in real trouble for that but i would give anything to see that faggot and his jew-fro nowadays. i would beat him into liquid.
“everyone is trying to pump this ‘im a quiet dildo with so much to say persona’ which matt gross embodies perfectly in that corny ass picture of his.”
Hahahahahahaha, that’s exactly what it is too.. The irony of it all is that all of them, combined, have less worthwhile things to say than just one average neighborhood kid who grew up in Brooklyn, or just one average immigrant who came here from a poor country.
From day one I’ve been saying that if you took an entire city block worth of these yuppie fucks in Park Slope and dumped them on a desert island, they wouldn’t be able to salvage one single useful skill or idea between the whole lot of them. They’re the most useless, vapid people on the planet–who, coincidentally, have the highest opinions of themselves as well.
I figured it out! Hipsters must be in one of the NYC building trades unions!
Every time I come home after a seven hour work day (on the off chance I’m not working OT) they are always at home too, or already hanging out in the park.
I’m reminded of Atlas Shrugged 2: One Hour Later.
ahhhhh so true. atlas shrugged 2!
Alrighty, we’ve got a new Matt-as-punching bag graphic, and some linklove for Die Hipster:
http://www.dadwagon.com/2010/03/05/a-week-on-the-wagon-punching-bag-edition/
EAT A DICK JOSH!
Q: If you threw Matt Gross off the top of a 30-story building, what noise would he make as his emaciated body hit the pavement?
A: “DOUCHE!”