I dare you to tell me this city isn’t PUSSIFIED!

This just sent me into a violent rage! There will be plenty of hipster beatings tonight after I get liquored up. Look at this fucking hipster romper room kidult bullshit! Cup cake tattoos! Flower beards! AND NOW YARN BIKES! Take this fucking shit back to your fly-over state suburban cul-de-sacs you fucking bitches! If I ever see the flower bearded, scallion-armed, latte foam happy face making Caleb that rides this fucking thing I’m going clothesline him so hard that his Adam’s Apple is going to come out of his eye socket.

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Hipsters likely behind Brooklyn Bridge breach.

Not only are hipsters gentrifiers, rent raisers, interlopers, transients, homogenizers and pussifiers – they are now wanna-be terrorists. Atleast that’s what I’m gathering from today’s NY Post cover – unless its the Post telling hipsters to surrender to real NYers and get the fuck out of our city already. I dare the beardos that they possibly catch to say this was ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART.

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Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Buchanan riding his penny farthing along the Coney Island boardwalk in his jorts, bowtie and a triangular revolutionary war hat. So I stuck a kids toy shovel in the spokes; picked him up & slung his marionette-like body over my shoulder; rode to the top of the Wonder Wheel and leaped off, pile driving him through the roof of Ruby’s where I proceeded to have a knish and ice-cold beer. End of story.

Brooklyn’s got a new anthem.

A long, long four years ago, Catey Shaw moved to Brooklyn from Virginia. The rest is history. She came to do something zany and out-of-the-box that many young people rarely try these days: go to art school. Well, after 4  back breaking years in the ‘hood - filled with boutiques, pretentious fusion food, and $7.00 lattes – she’s decided to release a song that encompasses the life and struggles of what she and so many of her glow-in-the-sun, faux-artsy, nasally uptick-voiced, parentally-subsidized friends are, called: “Brooklyn Girls”. This is a smack in the face to the HBO show “Girls” which really describes what real Brooklyn girls are all about.

Thanks for keeping it real Catey; when this video goes global, the world will finally see what ALL of Brooklyn is like: street art, L train rides, and paid black female extras that dance and sing on the stoops of $2000 1-bedroom apartment buildings with white art school girls. BK ALL DAY BABY!

Here are the lyrics:

Brooklyn girls
When they walk in, they rule the world
Brooklyn girls
Tough and pretty, break the rules
Brooklyn girls (x 4)

Jay-Z bumps in our headphones
Drinks on top of the brownstones
Get it on in the bathroom stall
Sunset girls acting prissy
Won’t get far in the city
We will freeze up your popsicle
‘Cuz we play rough and gritty
They all wanna catch our kitty
And there’s no use denyin’
That tonight we run the island

(Chorus)

Wait for the L train
Bedford to Broadway…

Today’s International Hipster Beating.

This is from exactly a year ago but I never saw it and it was just emailed to me. Check out this mismatched, multi-colored, attention-needing beardo getting tripped by a spectator as he tried to run along side a cyclist during the Tour de France. It’s safe to say he got his much needed attention. Hysterical.

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New Heights of Pussification: Flower Beards

Hipsters are now putting flowers in their hipster beards. Ok, this is straight up gay. And I’m not knocking gays; I’m knocking straight males who aren’t acting like men but rather like soft pussies and emasculating society. I know gay men who are 20 X manlier than the average hipster. But I guess when you don’t actually work – having a messy beard, sleeve and neck tattoos, and wear costumes – you have time to insert fucking flowers into your facial flea circus and be an attention-starved pussy searching for ‘looks’ from the general public. The only upside to this latest “LOOK AT ME” trend is that a swarm of pollinating bees might attack one of these Logans’ or Calebs’ faces.

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The Brooklyn Tornado Dayuuuuudes.

All the recent storms and rain reminded me of these video from a few years back – The Brooklyn Tornado Dayuuuudes. It’s quite clear these playcationing cockrags were exported from their suburban college campuses and shipped directly into their new parentally paid for Brooklyn apartments. I still wonder why they’re so shocked to see severe weather; isn’t this pretty normal in the Midwest? Like, like, like deeeeeeeeeed! Like Oh my God deeeeeeed! Holy shit deeeeeeeeed!

 

 

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