The End.

Dear Fellow Brookynites, New Yorkers & hipster haters abroad:

This will be the last post – most likely forever. It’s been a pleasure exposing these fucking frauds over the years while making you laugh and helping you vent. The truth is, I simply can’t take these people anymore – to the point that I don’t even want to write about them on a regular basis. It’s too depressing, nauseating, and aggravating. It’s bad enough seeing them when I leave my neighborhood or reading about them in the media.

These self-absorbed, attention-starved, talentless, pseudo-creative, wanna-be city types have sterilized, homogenized and erased any real culture in parts of Brooklyn beyond belief and I don’t see it getting any better anytime soon. Sure, many of these hipsters have read my site and felt the pain of being exposed as out-of-place annoyances – but all they need to do to feel better is run around the corner to the nearest gentrification latte shop or quirky food joint or bike lane or gallery or kickball field and see mirror images of their “unique” selves. Then they temporarily forget about us obstructive natives who don’t understand city living the way a bearded guy named Reid or Caleb does who arrived here from Minnesota or Oregon with a trust fund and a dream 3 years and 2 months ago.

These culdesacian culture vultures have basically destroyed art and music just about to the point of irreparable. The price of such simple things like rent, coffee and certain foods have doubled and tripled because of these zany cockrag hipster fucks who glorify everything as if they discovered it. These smug, parentally funded interloping idiots pay $11 for two poached eggs and a leaf of fucking kale – and not on Park Avenue but in working class Brooklyn neighborhoods!!! Pizza, pudding, tacos and cupcakes are now earth-shattering, tastier than ever items (according to hipster wannabe foodies who have infiltrated the media) because some sickly-looking, heavily-tattooed, garage rock band failure who arrives to work via pogo stick or unicycle makes it?

And I guess you can say that these hipsters truly are the masters of irony; their claim is to: keep it real; organic; local; small-time; underground; and non-commercial, YET – Brooklyn has become one of the biggest fucking commercials of the country if not the world thanks to these transient try-hards! Isn’t it IRONIC??????

So although, wishfully, in the back of my head I thought this website would somewhat prevent the spread of hipsters into southern parts of Brooklyn, they’ve managed to ooze a little below Prospect Park around the Ditmas/Cortelyou area. I really don’t think they’ll be going much further south and if so, it’ll be a long, long, long time before they thoroughly take over places like Dyker, Bay Ridge, Borough Park, Bensonhurst, Gravesend, Sheepshead Bay, and Marine Park.

I’m going to keep the site up for an indefinite amount of time for people to read through older posts but comments will be closed. I’ll still be commenting/bashing here and there on hipster run sites and on other media (that don’t ban me or erase my comments) that love to glorify these assholes. And please feel free to share things like pictures, videos, articles and your thoughts with me via my email which is DIEHIPSTERS (at) GMAIL (dot) COM or on Twitter which is @hipsterbeatings. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you all for reading and supporting over the years and a MASSIVE FUCK YOU to the hipsters!

Stay strong [real] Brooklyn!

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Keegan and Logan stumbling back to their $2800 a month loft in their 19th century barber and paperboy outfits after celebrating another year of funemployment and Brooklyn homogenization by drinking cruelty-free champagne in which the grapes were asked nicely to juice themselves rather than being stomped; and eating local, organic Bushwickian cheese laced with red beard hair and American Spirit cigarette ashes. So I gave them each an uppercut; ran their brochure-like bodies through a paper shredder and tossed the confetti around my still normal and actually diverse neighborhood. End of story.

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw an antler-shaped, Brooklyn-sterilizing, red-bearded hipster transplant selling $12.00 a cup cruelty-free, locally-crafted eggnog to his fellow infinite leisure time, thick eyeglass framed gentrifiers. So I painted my Louisville Slugger like a candy cane and ran around Williamsburg bashing everybody’s faces in before they head back to Culdesacia, USA for the holidays to recharge their trust funds, credit cards and checking accounts. End of story.

Hasidim Hipsters: Punk Jews

Growing up here, I saw only a handful of Orthodox Jews become reformed; it’s very rare but bound to happen to a few. On the other hand, going Hasidim to hipster simply seems impossible – yet it’s happening – sort of. There is a group of Punk Jews that also call themselves “X-O’s” (Ex-Orthodox) yet they don’t bother me. Why? Because they have a lot to run from or rebel against as far as lifestyles go. Their family and community beliefs have them wearing the same black and white clothing, the hats, the hair, the food, the music, the rituals, etc; it’s a very strict lifestyle that some may get tired of or even jealous when they see people who aren’t religious doing whatever they want. So all in all, I sort of get it. Last but not least, they also are real New Yorkers.

Link - Haaretz.com: Hasidim Hipsters

Now let’s take a look the common hipster transplant that we despise so very much. These Calebs and Cadences, Zachs and Zoeys grew up non-Orthodox in any way in their happy little suburb towns; getting whatever they wanted. They wore regular clothing; any kind of sneakers; any kind of haircut; ate whatever they wanted – whenever they wanted; hung out in malls; maybe went to church, maybe didn’t. Now these Romper Roomers become adults and want to infiltrate our city with their rebellious hipster bullshit??? Rebelling from what? Wearing “look at me” clothing for what? Creepy beards and moustaches for what? Farming in a city for what? Pretending to be vegan for what? Toting around instruments for what? Sitting in cafes and staring into computers for what? Bike lane culture for what? Pretending to be artists and actors for what? Of course to us they’ve all conformed and look the same to us, but to themselves, they are all different and unique individuals.

What the fuck are they rebelling against? They’ve had it easier than anyone in America for crying out loud.

Arty the Seal says…

Yet another irritating and pointless Kickstarter campaign has been launched; this time by Howard (the female) and Bland (the kazoo-voiced male) to install art chairs attached to all the scaffolding around the city. Let’s hear what Art the Seal has to say about this:

LINK – http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1335098906/softwalks-the-pilot-project?ref=category

TRANSLATION: This is not ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART you infinite leisure time interlopers. This is absolutely stupid and even potentially dangerous. What kind of real New Yorker (human or seal) has the time or desire to sit on a chair attached to a scaffold in the middle of the day??? We don’t. The only people that would are staycationing Calebs, Harrisons, Quinns, Mollys and Megans as they stroll from latte shop to gallery to overpriced boutique without anything to do during normal working hours or on break during their ‘creative jobs’. This is not art. If I simply dumped a couple of old chairs that I didn’t want anymore near a scaffold – would anyone say “hey look, it’s art!” NO! Because it’s not. Just listen to that video as they talk about this project with such importance as if they are going to restructure the entire subway system. The sense of entitlement is sickening; they want to change how we look at our city. THEY WANT TO CHANGE IT FOR US! THEY THINK THEY KNOW WHAT WE WANT! Just listen to them. And for pledging $5.00 you get a virtual hug! These perpetual and ceaseless kidults make me so sick with their projects and mentalities. Please go back to your one-horse towns and play with art over there. You have homogenized this city beyond belief already.

The December 2012 “LOOK AT ME” Award

With many options as how to transport this upright bass, the attention-needing hipster chose to display it to everyone on his bike ride.

“LOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

Today’s hipster beating.

Today, I saw Ethan the tweezer-physiqued, self-proclaimed ‘foodie’ typing up a freelance review of Bushwick’s own premiere forest-to-table restaurant called the Quirky Quail where heavily tattooed and bearded chef Mason Bedbuggio prepares the wild birds for the neighborhood’s newly arrived creative types. So I followed Ethan home and before he could blow his rape whistle I kicked him in the jaw and suffocated him with his Whole Foods messenger bag. End of story.