Today, I saw Ward and Cord hopping on their pogo sticks for an early 11am breakfast at the vegan donut shoppe. So I tied their uncooked spaghetti limbs together with their effeminate scarfs; hopped on my jack hammer pogo and hammered their Grover shaped bodies into the asphalt. End of story.
In this week’s NY Times Brooklyn handjob you’ll read about people named Dickerman and Cade and others whose ages range from 25-50 hanging out in a Victorian Kidult ”Communal” Club house. Why? Because Brooklyn is a kewelllllll brand deeeeeeeed!
Today, I saw flute-physiqued Xander struggling to carry a bag of Sriracha flavored artisanal popcorn up to his $3,200 a month, 105 year old, 5th floor walk-up apartment in Bushwick. So I scaled the outside of the building; climbed through his window; and greeted him at the front door with Shoryuken Ryu Street Fighter uppercut which shattered his bony bearded face. End of story.
Today, I saw Chase the emaciated rent-raising cupcakeologist checking his mailbox for this month’s gentrification allowance check. So I chased him onto the Brooklyn Queens Expressway where “ironically” a U-Haul bringing in two more hipsters from Iowa flattened him. End of story.
Lyrics start at 00:22
<Bongo intro and nasal shrieks> Like, yah...Like, yah.........YAH Please allow me to be my useless self I'm a kidult of wealth but no taste I've been in Brooklyn for a long 3 years Stole many Brooklynite's homes and faith I grew a beard just like Jesus Christ And slimmed down to the shape of a rake Made damn sure that I never Wash my hair or work very late Pleased to meet you Hope you guessed I'm Zane But what's puzzling you Is the gender of my frame I stuck around St. Williamsburg When I saw it was a time for a change Pushed out the natives; I'm so sinister Astoria, you'll get the same I rode a bike Made all the rents spike Made the natives rage The L train platform's my stage Pleased to meet you Hope you guessed I'm Zane, like, yah Ah, what's puzzling you Is the gender of my frame, like, yah Looooook at meeeeeee! In the Boro's of Kings and Queens I might stay for a decade Then go back to my home state I nasally shrieked, "Who hit me with a parking meter?" When after all It was the hipster beater Let me please be my useless self I'm a kidult from a fly-over state I use Google Maps to find a grocery store Brooklyn is very scary after 8. Pleased to meet you Hope you guessed I'm Zane, like yah But what's puzzling you Is the gender of my frame, like yah, get down Zany <solo> Pleased to meet you Hope you met my friend Brent, like yah But what's confusing you Is how we pay our rent? Just as every corporation is criminal But Apple, Converse and Ray-Ban get no complaint I farm urban quails, just call me Gentrifier Cause I'm in need of art supplies and paint So if you beat me Have some courtesy Have some sympathy, and some taste If I hear your Brooklyn accent I'll blind you with my skin; it's bright as paste! Pleased to meet you Hope you guessed I'm Zane, like yah But what's puzzling you Is the gender of my frame, um mean it, get down Woo, who Like, yah, get on down Like, yah Like, yah! Tell me Caleb, what's my name? Rooftop honey, can ya guess I'm Zane? Tell me Mason, what's my name? I tell you one time, I'm so fucking lame. Ooo, who Ooo, who Ooo, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who Ooo, who, who
LOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEE!!!! I’m Hitler! Seriously, this piece of shit needs to slowly be run through a wood chipper 100 times over and then fed to sharks. How dare you try look like one of the biggest mass murdering lunatics in history? Wait let me guess Zach, you accidentally achieved this look, right? You still don’t see the resemblance, right? What’s everybody talking about, right? Who’s Hitler, right?
WHY WHY WHY are fucking hipsters constantly doing shit like this??? WHYYY? Their need for attention is just embarrassing and sickening to no end. This doesn’t seem to be NYC, but where ever it is, I hope somebody beats the living fuck out of you Zach.
Who can move to any city and label themselves “artists”? Who has subsidization to live in any apartment at any price at any given moment? Who can make up whimsical theories to explain their idiotic attempts at art? Who has the infinite leisure time to live in a giant hamster wheel for 10 straight days and wallow in their own piss, shit and hipster body odor and call it “performance art”?
Who? THESE MOTHER FUCKERS DO: